I could tell she was forcing herself not to ask what I'm trying to avoid…

So instead of waiting till she reaches the limit, I explain everything, or… Just some part of what this mouth can afford to say to her.

“It really was the last task. The last command before this plan of ours can be executed.”

“What was that? You talk like you've been a soldier as long as you live, you dumb.” Patting my head while laughing heartily.

Fanya sat right in front of me.

I know that she is not an illusion…

I know that all of these are real.

She is fine, and it was enough to make me unable to look her right in those eyes.

Even though she's just trying to hide those thousand words with question marks, as well as her own anger, I still feel relieved. But… “We have to go now.”

Nodding, the girl then took out her cell phone and called her grandfather who was in our hometown. Where Fanya lied that she just wanted to go home soon because her college was on a vacation schedule, asking permission to accept her when she arrived there later.

Now if we're talking about it, I still have no way of contacting Ellie…

And that’s just being a reasonable thing, when I told Fanya a change of plans instead. “Maybe for a while, we won't be able to meet that girl… Evelin. So I think it would be best if we went on a plane as an initiative… So, do you have any money, Fanya?”

“No big deal. I can ask for it from my grandpa.”

“I see… And…” It’s time for me to say what I have to say, “I also want to apologize for not telling you anything about me missing, with this time for a whole week, but that's never going to happen again. So you don't have to worry.”

Fanya suddenly fell silent with a lowered face…

“Fanya?”

“You went through a lot just for us, didn't you?”

Oh god, no… I hate that she just said…

What does all this mean?

Will there be any more fights?

“Oh…? Sorry, I didn't mean anything bad about it. I just want to say thank you, Daniel.” Nope, you just lied, Fanya…

I know…

So I asked, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry if you get worried about it. Now… While I'm packing… You want to eat something?”

Standing with her hands behind her back.

Fanya smiled away leaving me sitting looking suspiciously at her on this cold floor of her room.

“Oh… You know? Deo is in the next room if you want to see him… But anyway, how about you, Daniel? Do you have money to buy tickets?”

Deo eh?

For some reason I feel a little traumatized if I have to talk about that guy right in front of Fanya. So… “Money? Because I might be suspected at the airport, I have a special way of sneaking into the plane… You'll see it from the airplane window later. It's cool, you know? You'll see… And if there's an empty seat next to you, maybe I can try to sneak in to sit there. Or… Don’t say… Will they be immediately suspicious of the change in the number of passengers in midair?”

“Of course they will, you silly…”

The laughter that I can't see behind this wall, I can still imagine from where I'm relaxing at the moment.

“I see… I'll be in the trunk then.”

~~~~~

Morning turns to afternoon, as well as Fanya turns to Deo…

Besides, I can't be picky about friends, can I?

This man drank his medicine while sitting in front of his laptop.

Without seeing me here, in the same room staring out the window, Deo then apologized for everything. He said that sometimes he didn't realize he had said such cruel things which he always regretted when he was alone.

“I'm really an idiot, aren't I?”

“Yeah…”

I can't lie about that one, “Eh, Deo… I don't want to be arrogant just so you know, but I want to tell you about something… I just fell in love with this one cute girl lately… It's the first time in history I've ever fallen in love with someone, you know? Her name is Evelin, a girl I've only met for a few months. Though nothing special ever happened between us... So maybe you could say this was love at first sight? But after I met a lot of people, I realized that my meeting with her really wasn't based on mere coincidence. So… Uh…”

Wait… What the fuck did I just said?

“Well… Anyway… The thing that I just want to tell you is, if we really have to talk about the three of us' feelings, in my own opinion, no matter how anyone concludes it, Fanya and I are really nothing more, and can't be more than friends or family. Fanya was also aware of that lately. And last... Whatever happened in the past, Deo… I apologize profusely. All problems have also been fixed by Fanya, correct? everything's fine now, don't you think?”

“Yeah… You’re right… Sorry…”

That's… Too short of a reply, wasn’t it?

So I just feel that all of that, is enough of a reason for me to immediately leave this room, as I said… “I want to go somewhere for a while, so how about tonight we go to have some dinner with Fanya?”

“Sure… I’ll tell her about it. But Daniel… About that wound on your shoulder…”

Though I was very sure to cover all the parts. But maybe this man seems to have seen it when I just entered this room…

“That’s…”

“It’s nothing. It's just charcoal…”

“Bro, I know it hurts. I just wanted to ask if you're okay with all of that, or not…”

“Oh… Well… Yeah, not really. But it will heal by itself. So there is nothing to worry about.”

“I see…”

“Okay then. See ya later… And Deo…”

Stopped right in front of the door, I said the contents of my feelings to him… “Thank you… For asking… My friend…”

“That’s gay.”

“I know, right? Bye then.”

~~~~~

I sat silently on the ground, right at the end of this dead end alley.

Either because I was waiting for a miracle to come, or just a child's selfishness for his wish to come true every time…

Thinking about a lot of things, I just got back to daydreaming…

Anyway… Previously, Fanya had said that there was a midnight flight schedule if we really wanted to get out of this city immediately… But unfortunately there was only one seat left, so she persuaded me to postpone it until tomorrow night.

Though with a feeling that is really very bugging in my heart, I was forced to give in and accept the offer…

So far, none of my plans have gone as smoothly as I hoped…

Wishing for just one happy ending…

Did I really expect heaven that much?

But is it wrong, tho?

Is it wrong to expect something?

If I reject reality, will I really become a person who cannot accept himself? Or is it all the other way around? Have I thrown away who I really am by accepting reality itself?

“Trying to save everyone at once, huh?”

Knowing that she might not be coming, I got up and started walking slowly as if I still had hope for her to show up, pat me on the shoulder.

Standing in front of the door of a mini market, I looked down, as the floor was now clean without any puddles of orange juice on the surface…

If the wish for me to meet her is really that hard to come true, at least… “I hope you're safe wherever you are…”

As the night turns to day, my time is wasted more than anywhere but in this one place…

Where my daily activities are just doing the same thing every hour.

Waiting and just waiting.

~~~~~

I think I've been to that alley many times this whole day… Until then I had the idea to put a piece of paper in a clear plastic bag that I overlapped with a rock, in a place that was quite conspicuous to anyone who came to this such a lonely place.

It contains the phone numbers of Fanya and Deo, the arrival time of the plane that the two of them will be boarding, as well as the destination airport for which I have written the address for…

Literally, everything that Ellie needed to make it easier for her to find me…

“Well… I hope this is enough to calm my own feelings down a bit.”

One more hour until departure time, I arrived at the boarding house to gather with those two people. Where then I saw Deo in front of Fanya's door, knocking, calling for the girl’s name, but he looked at me with such a desperate face.

“Call her phone.” Giving orders to Deo…

I fell silent as if knowing there would only be one way to get through this door.

But no, please don’t…

Still waiting for Deo's call to get a reply…

I decided to remain silent hoping it wasn't necessary to do so…

For using this cursed magic of suffering…

“Ah! Hello? Fanya! Where the hell are you!?”

Deo and I looked at each other, both feeling a little relieved that the girl could still speak casually from across the line.

“Fanya said, she was currently in the city park.”

“But why?! We’re about to go!”

Deo didn't respond to my yells, instead he gave me the cell phone.

The voices of the crowd around the girl sounded quite disturbing, while the girl herself spoke in a low voice.

She said, “Let’s play, Daniel…”

“Fanya? What happened to you?”

She didn't answer, instead asking us to come with her. “It’s the curfew! They've lifted it… And… This place is… Soo fucking beautiful!”

“Fanya… There’s no more time. We're going there, okay? How about your stuff? Still in the room? Should I just take it there?”

“No need… After all, I'm not packing up at all.”

“Fanya…”

“I'll be waiting at the Ferris wheel, okay?”

She suddenly turned off the connection.

“So… Just as I thought… It seems that all of this is impossible for the three of us, huh? She also started to feel like giving up…”

“Deo! Don’t you even start! It’s not the time… C’mon!”

“No, Fanya asked only for you to come.”

“She never said that! And… I mean… Well then fuck it! Just come with me!” Even after I tried to run, once I looked back, Deo didn't follow…

“Then, you go first to the airport. We'll come after you, you hear!?”

Going outside.

Looking for any vehicle that can take me to the city park, while on the way I can only scratch my head and cover my face from all this confusion.

~~~~~

The place was full of people when I arrived.

So I broke through all the crowd, looking high up to the top of the Ferris wheel… Yet the closer I got, the more I felt something bad, deep in my heart clawing at and eating me up alive.

The girl was standing there in silence…

Our eyes met, I just stopped trying to approach…

I'm scared…

Of something…

With that smile, her hand’s waving calling me there… She really made an expression as if there was nothing wrong with this encounter.

“Let’s just go home, Fanya… I’m begging you…”

With no clear purpose that I can understand from that face… Ignoring my words, she just handed a pair of tickets to the operator.

Walked cheerfully into the Ferris wheel, Seeing me from inside that little box…

Where everyone actually saw me as the one who was blocking the queue, until that one word, “Sir?” Just the voice of the man in the park operator uniform looks at me in confusion.

So that by following the atmosphere around me, I dared myself to obey the girl's wishes.

Sitting in her pink dress…

The girl's fingers wrapped around each other on the knees…

She's not like the one Fanya that I've known all this time. But I'm sure the person who is looking at me with that smile is no one but her.

Still feeling afraid of something I didn't even know about…

Everything passed in an odd silence… It's just the two of us in this little box.

Moving slowly higher.

I looked down anxiously.

Someone’s laughing…

“Are you scared of heights?”

But I didn’t answer…

Whether she was joking or not, but I also hoped that this height was what I was afraid of.

I don't even know what this disturbing feeling in my heart is.

But whatever as long as it's not as frightening as this height? Then it’s okay…

“Daniel? I’m bored… Let’s talk about anything, can we? Oh…! How about… Do you remember who you first became friends with? Me or Deo?”

“You…?”

“Don't guess, you cheater… But yeah, that’s me… Though I'm sure you think Deo’s the guy. Since you spend more time with him than you do with me.”

The sound of cheers from the people below with lots of laughter that actually sounds annoying…

Everything seemed to be silent just for Fanya to say what was in her own mind…

“We've been friends since elementary, haven’t we? Then Deo came to join us when he just transferred to our school. It might be hard for you to remember, though… And I'm not surprised at all.”

Her clean face and full of make-up looked out the window.

Dressed up as if this girl was going to an important event.

Her eyes then looked at me, said… “Since I was just a child, I have always felt that I do not need to be protected by anyone… Seeing someone feel that they are better off getting hurt than us is disturbing, isn't it? Though lately I'm actually starting to understand why people are willing to do that stupid thing… Because I also started to turn into that kind of person. Anyway… Back in the past… I also feel like I'm growing up too fast than I should, you know? I believe that I was quite good at reading people's faces… And that’s you, Daniel… You're someone who always manages to keep me intrigued. And the more I know about you, the more I want to be close to you. I even remember every detail when we were together…”

Hah?

Wait…

Was our relationship ever that close?

“But you can't possibly remember anything about it, right?”

Don't be so sure, lady… So just, “Stop it. Of course I remember…”

“Then tell me. Just anything is okay…”

Well…

If it is asked suddenly, how can I choose what to remember?

But let me try…

“Maybe… That part of early elementary school is just too hard for me to remember, yet… When we were around the fourth grade…? I think…? I used to play, crawling inside of some dry and small concrete drains that I dubbed as a tunnel. I always get hurt after I finish going through all the pebbles in those small drains. And… Wait… Uh… You're always waiting for me on the other side, aren't you? You're annoyed because I…”

“You always didn't care about the wound and you said that you didn't feel anything?”

“Ah… Yes… That one.” Turns out I used to be that childish…

“Tell me more…”

Dude…

I'm trying harder than it looks, you know?!

“And you always get me when I lie… Like at that time, actually I was quite in pain, and you know about it. Sometimes I even fell from a tree…”

“And you're still running while laughing with your friends. Until I have to hit you so you don't move when I treat the wound.”

Well, I think that really ever happened in the past…

Possibly…

“Lately I've only been asking myself…”

A small laugh adorned the words, as Fanya said, “For my feelings that have always been the same, even bigger as ten years or even more have passed until now… Is it really just an ordinary love? Was there actually anyone other than this stupid me to like a guy for that long, even though the guy never noticed? But don't get me wrong, Daniel… I am happy as long as you are happy… Even giving up on my feelings isn't something I can't afford to do… As the only problem is that… You're not happy at all…”

“Fanya, you're the one who asked me not to chase heaven itself…”

“And those words made me hate myself even more… I said I've also started turning into something that I hate, remember? I'm starting to have a desire to protect you…”

“You think you'd be better off getting hurt than me?”

“Yes…”

I'm sure I'm angry right now…

Though I don't know what kind of face I'm using to express it to her. I just don't want to argue while the situation is still unpredictable for me.

I hate the situation that I myself do not know how it will end…

“Unfortunately it's all too late now, Daniel... Even though I'm already aware of this deepest desire of mine, but at the same time, I've also realized the one and only reason for you who are always hurt like now and before…”

Again and again I witnessed tears…

As slowly I began to get sick of all of this…

Even if I have to be honest, I want to silence Fanya for a while and drag her home. Anything to calm my panicked heart down...

“As everything I said at that time was just because I wanted you back, my selfish nature so that my life is built according to what I want and like… But now I feel that I have prevented you from feeling the happiness itself… Whether you're by my side or not, you'll only always get hurt with excuses because you have us… Well… Because you have me, if it’s from my own selfish point of view.”

“Fanya, I don’t care about that. Just fuck with that then... I don’t fucking care. Come home with me right now! Or you want me to take you by force?!”

“Do you realize that? Daniel? I… I have become the reason why you suffer… Haven’t I?”

“You know nothing about what everyone is suffering from. No one knows, So don't claim you know mine. Enough with all this bullshit, we're getting out of here… Now!”

In vain she tried to pull back her own hand which I was currently holding without even trying.

“No… Everything will just fall apart as before… I just don't want to prolong your suffering.” With the worst face that Fanya had, she was crying louder than anything I can ever remember.

So I weakened my grip. To let Fanya wipe her own face.

That's when I heard something falling on the roof of our box…

~~~~~