Barra da Tijuca, Rio de Janeiro

Oh yes, after many adventures, stories, silliness and madness starring our heroes, Enzo Carvalho and Vini Valverde, you may notice that some situations and phrases are repeated in most of the stories. This will merely point out and make a compilation of the recurring jokes in the episodes.

Wednesday, 1:00 PM, Barra da Tijuca. Another day in the lives of Vini and Enzo. In fact, the day would be dedicated to physical activity, the exchange of sweat and perhaps even a few tears. The place that many abhor, but continue paying and going anyway. The gym.

- What's up, guys? How are you? - asked one of the teachers.

- I'm working out. - Vini answered. - Enzo, I have no idea.

- Very funny, Mexican. - Enzo returned. - But I exercise. Nobody believes it, but I work out.

- Neither do you. - Vini added.

Which was true. Enzo didn't go to the gym to gain weight, or to improve his fitness. Oh, no, his interests were different.

- Hello. - Enzo said.

That's it.

- Oh, hi.

- Sorry, I don't know your name. I see you every day, but I never had the courage to ask.

- Luisa. - She said.

- Luisa. Not for anything, Luisa, but all the "Luisa's" I know are really cute.

A little tease. If she laughs, Enzo has already won the day.

- How nice, thank you.

Bull's-eye!

- Enzo. - He finally introduced himself.

- Nice to meet you. You are very kind, but I'm not old enough to be a hottie anymore.

- You bet you are. - Enzo began to laugh. - First of all. A queen never loses her majesty. I know beautiful women of all ages. Second, and not that it makes much difference, but you must be my age.

- Unbelievable. - Vini shook his head, observing everything from a distance.

- I don't think so. - Luisa denied it. - I'm 31.

- What? Fat chance!

Strategically, Vini approached both of them and couldn't help but remark on Enzo's unfounded and senseless attempt to approach her.

- You've met my friend, I see. - Vini smiled.

- He's really funny. - Luisa said.

- It seems to be a conventional wisdom. - Said Vini.

- I wish my husband treated me like this.

- He's an idiot if he's not treating you like the queen you are.

- Oh. - Luisa was surprised. - Gay?

- No, just stupid. - Vini replied.

There was nothing more to be said. Or better saying, yes, there was. And of course Enzo made sure to say it.

- Hey, Luisa, there's a lot of sunshine here, but you're the brightest.

Luisa smiled. Actually, she started to laugh. Then she slowly made her way to the back of the academy, while Vini stared at him.

- What? - Enzo didn't understand Vini's stare.

- Nothing. I just felt a bitter taste of vomit in my throat from listening to you!

- Disgusting, Vini!

While they both were concentrating on the exercises, Vini waited for Enzo to finish the biceps part, when another detail caught his attention.

- Enzo, you're shaking your head!

- What? - Enzo didn't understand. - I'm not!

- Yes, you are! You, Enzo Carvalho, were enjoying the gym tunes.

- No I wasn't, you idiot! I wasn't!

No matter how much Enzo objected. But the cherry on the cake of Enzo's irritation was still to come.

- What would Phil Collins say? - Vini asked the question that made smoke come out of Enzo's ears.

- Phil Collins would have written a whole album of anger at what this place had done to his songs. "Easy Lover" has become an unbearable rhythmic electronic piece of shit.

- Why?

- Because people's taste in music has gotten much worse. Nowadays you just need some brat to put on a skirt, be an activist and make bad music and that's it! Instant success! It doesn't even have to be any good.

A reasonable answer. The discussion wouldn't last long, because just as they were about to go to the water coolers to fill their bottles, two girls, probably close friends or even sisters, entered through the main door of the gym. They left their bags in a private place and went to the aerobics section.

- Holy shit. - Enzo commented. - Who is she?

- I have no idea. - Vini gave a true answer. At least true at that moment.

- I'll tell you who she is. - Enzo answered his own question. - If she has a ring on her finger, my mistress. If not, she's the mother of my children.

- But don't even try.

- Why?

- Why? Let me think about it. Because the police often visit Lake enough.

- What does that mean?

- Enzo, you bastard. Look at her. She must be twelve years old.

- Twelve? You're insane! Since when do twelve-year-old girls go to the gym?

Still, another detail caught both of their attention.

- But her friend looks older. - Vini suggested.

- And prettier.

- Your theory went off the rails.

- Which one? The car one?

- Of course, dummy, we're admiring a crowded parking lot, aren't we?

- The comparison is valid for me, she's a bloddy Civic.

- The friend theory, Enzo.

- Oh, yes. In fact, my theory in this case does not work.

- What is the theory again?

- A pretty girl has a proportionally ugly friend.

- But her friend...

- She's not ugly one bit.

- But that chick must be twelve years old.

- Nah, you know how it is. Girls look younger than they really are. - Enzo was silent for a while. - Okay, even I didn't understand what I said. And her mother must be a hottie.

Vini stared at him. There was no answer after hearing that.

- Pretty mom, pretty kid, Vini.

- I know, Enzo. You always say that. That scares me a little.

After a while in that pointless conversation, Enzo noticed that the two mysterious girls had disappeared from the sight of the two idiots. Which, in Enzo's view, was quite a problem. Little by little, Vini was also joining his friend's stupid game.

- Hey, where did they go? - Vini asked.

- Probably to the treadmills and cardio machines. - Enzo answered.

But Vini didn't believe him.

- As if they needed to do cardiovascular exercises.

- Vini, that's nonsense. Of course they need to do aerobic exercises. To allow more air to circulate in their mouths, lungs and larynx.

- I doubt you can tell me what the larynx is.

- It is where the vocal cords are. It is an organ.

That answer surprised him.

- Are you reading the dictionary again?

- Yes.

- But you meant pharynx, right?

- Maybe.

- And why is that?

- Because... you know.

It took a few seconds for Vini to regretfully understand what Enzo meant.

- Oh, Enzo! Goddammit! Get your mind out of the gutter!

But as it turned out, Enzo continued his saga to attract the mystery girl. But he needed a plan. And he wouldn't necessarily need to tell Vini his blueprint.

- Enzo, you idiot, just talk to the girl. It's not that hard.

- Don't you think I know that? It's also worth remembering that you're only with Belgium because of me.

- That's so not true! Belgium was crazy about you. But then you dumped her for her sister.

- My point is that a girl like her can't be stopped like that, like a police escort.

- So, considering that you only want to know her name and not her "documents", what are you going to do?

- Vini, did you know that the lion waits hours to attack his prey?

- Damn me for unlocking the Animal Planet signal for you.

- Yes, it was your fault.

- Look, I wasn't going to say anything... - Vini did a little mystery. - But I know her name.

Oh.

- You know what? Forget about the hunt. - Enzo forgot his previous lines. - That's what supermarkets are for anyway.

I wonder what he meant by that.

- Are you going to tell me or not? - Enzo insisted.

- Isn't it better that you find out for yourself?

- He's right. Nobody takes a picture of a dead rhino.

- And we're back with the Animal Planet thing.

Without much time to waste, Enzo turned his back and walked away from Vini, but not before he asked:

- Are you going to leave me here?

- Huh... Yeah!

Oh, this had no chance at all to work right. But Vini couldn't help but see him coming closer and closer, like the lions in the great wild Africa, hiding behind the dense bush to kill the poor zebra. Only the zebra in this case was a blond, blue-eyed girl, wearing a very short gym outfit, accompanied by another older girl with the same physical characteristics.

- Hello. Can I take turns with you? - Enzo asked, interrupting the innocent girl's exercises.

- Sure. - She smiled.

The classic gym "hey, can I take turns with you to make small talk". It never fails.

- Then... - Enzo continued. - I haven't seen you around here before.

- It's just that I usually come at night.

Ah, yes. Now it made sense in his head.

- If I may... - Enzo pretended he knew about it. - Try to keep your back erect. I mean, straight. To avoid back pain. I don't want you to have a hunchback when you're thirty.

Whatever Enzo was doing, it was working, because the unknown girl smiled.

- Thank you.

- Your sister? - Enzo pointed at her friend.

- No, my girlfriend.

Oops. That answer caught him off guard.

- Oh. - Enzo had no answer to spare. - Really?

- Yes, it is. - She confirmed. One more time.

- Hello, Enzo. - Vini approached. - How is the hunting season going?

- Well, the park has been closed indefinitely. - Enzo smiled.

- What do you mean?

- It turns out that the lions are eating only grass now.

Vini was confused.

- What do you mean?

- The lions are out of food because the zebras are gone.

- Enzo, what the fuck are you on?

- She's a lesbian.

Vini's eyes widened.

- No kidding? Really?

- No, Vini, I just said that to piss you off!

- If so, congratulations. You succeeded.

But there is one last question left to be answered.

- And what are you going to do?

- I'm going to the bathroom. Obviously.

Enzo left Vini behind again and went alone to the toilet. But before he did, he had to listen to one more of the academy's recurring jokes.

- Enzo, are you in the bathroom again? - asked one of the teachers. - That's the third time today!

- Yeah, go mind your own freaking business. - Enzo replied.

After spending some time in the bathroom, Enzo returned to his exercises. The two girls remained with their gym workouts as well, only away from Vini and Enzo. There was not much to be done. The lion would really have to eat grass that night. But would he indeed?

And as it turned out, that was not quite the case, because just as Enzo made his way towards the door, a nudge on his shoulder interrupted his walk. As he quickly turned to find out what had touched him, he got an interesting surprise.

- My friend and I are going to lunch. Would you like to come with us?

Uh-oh. Inviting Enzo to lunch is always a journey to the unknown. Even more so since he is a recognized and insufferable picky eater. So he always had to ask first:

- Where are we going?

- To the Point.

Enzo's eyes immediately widened with fear. For one tiny reason.

- How about this. You and me and a room in Buzios. - He staggered.

- You're terrible! - she said.

- Hey, what about lunch? - Her friend remembered.

- Oh, right. Do you want to go with us?

- To the Point? - Vini asked. - It's that vegan restaurant, right?

- Yes, it is.

- Ew, vegan food. - Enzo complained and pulled a face.

- I love it. And it's relevant in today's times.

- I totally agree. - Enzo said, clearly lying. - Because it is an important factor for the environment. And Greenpeace.

- You're crazy, aren't you?

- Vini, shut your damn mouth!

Well, that was it. Before going to the restaurant, Enzo had to go to the bathroom again. His bladder couldn't take so much emotion, so he was late, as usual, even though he was already at the place. The girls, Vini and Enzo sat outside the Point restaurant, the one chosen by vegetarians and vegans. But if we already know anything about them, it is that neither is a vegetarian. Unfortunately for our heroes, Enzo's thoughts were not exactly responding to his brain, but to his.... Well...

- What are you going to order? - One of the girls asked.

Enzo did not answer the question. Probably traumatized. To hide his face, he put up one of the menus to hide his face and Vini's, so they could discuss what a disaster that lunch would obviously be.

- Vini, what is a pod?

- It's a green fruit.

- It's not a vegetable?

- It's a fruit! Stop annoying me!

- I won't eat something I don't know!

- Considering your history, and being honest, this was never a handicap.

Vini had a point.

- Shut up! - That was Enzo's automatic answer everytime. - Where does this pod shit come from?

- China, I think.

- China? Oh, great! Damn, now they send here these mysterious fruits, and those horrible cars they make.

- Boys... - One of the friends interrupted the conversation. - Have you decided yet?

- No, no. - Enzo answered. - We're just... Googling the names of the food.

Which was true. During the search, Enzo was distracted by a story from a news network, which wouldn't help them at all, but might get a few laughs.

- Vini, what is the difference between vegetarians and vegans?

- Why do you ask?

- I am on the Internet. It might be useful.

- But it's not! Be quiet!

- If I were to answer, I would say that the cult of vegans is worse. Like Marvel fans. And BMW owners. And Mercedes team fans.

- What are your names? - Vini asked an important question.

- Clara and this is Louise.

- Clara and Louise. - Enzo repeated. - Do you know what you remind me of, Vini?

- I don't know, I don't want to know and I don't care.

As it turned out, Clara was the older girl, while Louise was the younger one, the one Enzo hit it off first.

- How long have you been together?

- Six months. - Clara answered.

- Oh, a long time. How nice.

Nice is not quite the term Vini wanted to use.

- You didn't say your names. - Louise reminded.

- Oh, of course. I'm Vini and this is Enzo.

- Oh, nice to meet you, Enzo. - Louise smiled and held out her hand.

- I have a girlfriend. - said Vini.

- Her name is Belgium. - Enzo completed the info.

- Your girlfriend's name is a country?

Enzo and Vini exchanged a look. As they always did when people asked the same question.

Finally the waiter appeared to take their requests. It was about time.

- I'll have the lentil burger. Whatever the hell that is.

- And you, Vini?

- Ratatouille.

Enzo stared at him, suspicious.

- That Disney movie?

- It's a meal, silly. They show it at the end of the movie.

This information was totally new to him.

- Oh, it is?

- Yes.

While the food was not there yet, Enzo thought it was the ideal moment to strengthen ties with Louise. Or even Clara, if he was lucky.

- So you've known one another for a long time?

- We've been friends since kindergarten. - Louise answered. - We started dating that year. She was always texting me before going to bed. It may sound strange, but I began to feel attracted to her. But I didn't know if she was liking me in the same way. Then our families rented a house on the coast. We stayed together for a long time. And when we had the house to ourselves, I put my cards on the table. I asked her if she liked me. She didn't answer, but then I kissed her, to prove that I wasn't joking. It was the first time I kissed a girl. And it was the first time I slept with a girl too. It was memorable. Sexually it is so different from sleeping with a man. Especially when it comes to kissing. So sensual. It's almost a unique sensation.

- Oh. - Vini summed it up.

- I think I need to go to the bathroom again. - Enzo said. - Boy, women are so lucky. - Enzo answered to himself.

Still, it could be worse.

And then it was. Because some time later, the plates came on a tray by a rather smiling waiter. Upon viewing the food for the first time, the reactions were mixed. While the girls seemed happy and excited, Enzo and Vini, not so much.

- Bon appetit. - Louise said.

- It's easier said than .... Eaten, in this case - Enzo replied, grumpy.

- What?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Enzo, behave yourself. - Vini whined. - You're making a fool of yourself.

- I don't know, Vini. I'm afraid to look my food in the eye.

- Stop this bullshit! Just eat.

- No! I don't want to.

- Don't make me stick my fork down your throat!

- Please do! And put me out of my misery!

- Is that a permission?

- No, it's a will.

Vini didn't understand.

- What's the difference?

- I'd rather die on Louise's tongue, but I'm not one to ask too much.

Just like the Hundred Years' War and America's Independence, it was not smooth sailing. It was long, tough, and very, very upsetting for Vini. Enzo took a long time eating, which made Vini furious because he was late, again. But in the end, Enzo finished, after much tension. The funny thing is that he even found the taste "interesting", but vowed never to eat anything vegan again, even if it was by a very beautiful woman. Spoiler alert: of course he didn't keep his promise.

Coming down the stairs, Louise offered a ride. Enzo had already foreseen what the girls' vehicle would be. And it didn't take long to get a confirmation.

- Of course. A Prius.

- Why? - Clara asked. - Don't you like it?

- No, no, it's not that. It's just that the new Civic is so much nicer. And better. A real car.

- I don't like cars. - Louise said. - They only pollute the environment. So do farms and agribusiness.

Where do you get your vegan food from, then? Mars? Enzo thought.

- I like those electric motorcycles. - said Clara. - But they are expensive.

- Enzo prefers to walk. - Vini answered. For Enzo. - Even though he's a mooch.

- Enzo doesn't look like a mooch. - Louise disagreed.

- We're still talking about cars, right? - asked Clara.

No, apparently not. But Enzo made a point of returning to the subject.

- You know, if the Germans had won the war, we would be driving BMWs instead of these hybrid trash?

- What do you mean, Enzo?

- I mean, it would have no problem burning fuel, since Europe would be burning...

- Hey, Enzo! - Vini complained. - Be quiet, you idiot!

- But it's true, Vini. What would have happened?

- I have no idea.

Technically, Vini knew, or rather, had an idea, but thought it best to avoid the subject, to prevent another comment that could send them both to jail from coming out of Enzo's troubled mind.

- Great! I had lunch in a vegan restaurant, I'm driving home in a Prius, what else is missing? To become a communist?

- Stop complaining.

- At least it's not a Corolla.

- Too bad that is not the case.

On his way back to Lake with Enzo, Vini felt the phone in his pocket vibrate. As he quickly read the message, the look on his face immediately indicated that the news was not very good.

- Uh-oh. - he said.

- What? Trouble in the land of the queen?

- Very funny. Belgium says he wants to talk.

- Oh, shit. That's never a good sign.

- Not at all.

- If Hitler had sent a letter like that to the Poles, I would be more scared than tanks and war Jeeps parading through my backyard.

Vini stared at him.

- What? In a hypothetical situation! - Enzo justified.

War jokes aside, in fact Belgium wanted something with Vini. But what could it be? After all, Vini had always been a good boyfriend and would not do anything to intentionally annoy her - a point that clearly set him apart from Enzo. Still, her thoughts began to churn like hydrogen molecules in a chemistry lab.

- I'm sorry? - Vini didn't understand.

- The narrator is crazy. - Enzo justified.

- But Enzo, I don't know what I did wrong.

- Maybe she's pregnant. - Enzo suggested.

Vini smiled, but not with joy.

- Nice try, but we always use protection.

- Wanna make it interesting?

Vini raised his eyebrow. And laughed, ironically.

- That's fine. How much?

- Fifty bucks?

- Deal. It'll be the easiest fifty I've ever earned in my life.

- When did I bet you that I could drink that whole bottle of milk without getting a stomach ache?

- Ok, the second fifty easiest bucks i've ever got in my life.

Anyway, Vini went to Belgium's house, in a nice residential complex, like most of the condominiums in Barra da Tijuca, with a huge swimming pool complex, sports centers, sauna, covered parking and 24 hour security. Actually, Enzo and Vini were already known by the doormen, so they didn't even need to register their entrance, although it was against protocol.

- Hi love. - Vini smiled and kissed her.

- Hi honey. - Belgium said.

- Did I do something wrong?

- Actually, no.

Which didn't mean much, since Belgium could have a different definition of "wrong".

- Actually, I wasn't feeling well this morning, so I took a test.

Uh-oh.

- It was positive.

- But... - Vini looked incredulous. - I don't understand. We always use protection. Unless...

- We always do.

- I know, dear. But we didn't limit ourselves to just doing... You know.

- What do I know?

- You know. The train not only entered the tunnel, but also stopped at the stations.

- What?

- The country boy learned English, but he also took the Italian class.

- Vini, what the fuck are you babbling about?

You have to give him credit, the boy had enthusiasm in telling what he didn't mean, but told.

- Oral sex.

Belgium didn't understand.

- So what?

- What do you mean "so what"?

Dance, little monkey, dance.

- Vini, you idiot, did you have sex education in school?

- We're in the same class, honey.

- Exactly! But then I realized the boys are drawing breasts and vaginas in sexuality and health classes.

- Anyway, it's still quite educational.

But the elephant in the room was still there. And it was starting to stink.

- So, what's it going to be? Are you really pregnant?

- Well, I took the test. It was positive.

- When did you do it?

- Just now. I had to leave, I couldn't wait for the result.

That's when something inside her snapped. Something about this story didn't seem right. At first, Belgium didn't want to think about evidence tampering. Maybe it was Law and Order on television messing with her head, but after a few minutes, her opinion to the fact was, let's say, definitive.

- Wait a minute. - Belgium began to think. - Now that you asked, I went to the bathroom, took the test, and came out. When I came back, he was gone.

- So...? - Vini didn't understand the relationship between the parties.

There was only one rational explanation for this.

- I don't believe it! Albania!

I said rational.

- Albania? - Vini couldn't understand.

Oh, Belgium walked furiously to her sister's room. She slammed the door violently and entered without any warning. Of course she had to interrupt... Something that was going on. Nevertheless, she pulled Albania's long hair and threw it on the bed in such anger.

- You sick bitch! - Belgium shouted.

- What the fuck is this? - asked the boy who was in bed with Albania.

- Belgium, what the fuck are you doing? - Albania didn't understand the reason for such aggressiveness.

- You messed up my pregnancy test!

Vini's eyes widened, as did the boy who was with Belgium.

- Oh, come on! - Belgium moaned at the boy's surprise. - Albania is a sex maniac! Everyone knows that.

- Except him, it seems. - Vini added.

- I might have screwed up the sample. - Albania confessed.

Which could only mean one thing.

- So, that means...

- Fuck me! Are you pregnant?

- No, I'm not!

Okay, two things.

- Which wouldn't be a surprise, since Albania has been sitting with more men than a Hertz Corolla seat.

- You don't have to defend me, Vini.

- I am not defending you. I almost had an aneurysm because of you!

- And me? I got eleven kilos fatter because of you without even eating!

- To say the least. - Vini added.

- Don't make me hit you too, Vini!

- What? I didn't do anything!

- Then, whose damn pregnancy test was it?

The boy asked an important question, since at that moment all the men in the house, who were not that many, let's face it, could be daddies.

- Mom. - Albania revealed.

Oh, boy.

- Are we going to have another baby sister? - Belgium was in disbelief again.

- How do you know it's a girl?

- Oh, get real, Albania! We have five sisters. Daddy clearly doesn't know how to do boys.

- But Albania does.

She smiled, ironically, at Vini's snide remark, which matched the reality of the facts.

- Again, no need to defend me, Vini.

- And again, I am not defending you.

But despite the confusion, Belgium slowly calmed down and could finally celebrate that unexpected news.

- Unbelievable, we will have another sister.

- And I won fifty bucks from that idiot Enzo. The pizza is on me.

- Oh, that's nice!

Many miles away, a dish-shaped spaceship was flying over the big blue planet. In the spacecraft, two extraterrestrial beings with purple tentacles and a shape resembling an earth octopus, were discussing the events of history among themselves in an almost unique language. Right in front of them, a panel with several colored buttons and a kind of joystick that should be important to move the ship sideways and deflect cosmic debris and some inconvenient satellites.

- Holy crap, how bizarre.

- I don't even know where to start.

- What do we do?

- The usual! Destroy the Earth!

From beneath the ship, a huge laser beam fired a single shot, which flew through the silent space at thousands of kilometers per hour, hitting the planet earth head on and causing a huge explosion, turning the only planet with intelligent life known to this day into nothing more than cosmic dust.