I can’t stop my hands from shaking. I wasn’t out there to hurt the kid. Just needed to get an answer out of him. Just like a wild animal, I started salivating at the prospect of a warm meal. I don’t even know if he’s alright. Should I have done the humane thing and taken the wounded pup out of his misery? It’s not like a little less blood on my hands is going to give me a one way ticket to the big guy. I’m stained. Drenched deeper in the shit than anyone I know left alive. Back in the war it made sense. Kill them before they kill you. Pull the trigger the moment you spot a glimpse of the bastards. But it’s different here. You don’t just see the whites of their eyes. You see the skin damage on their forehead, the tethering in their clothes. Sometimes it’s easier just to consider them the enemy. If everyone is an enemy then I don’t get to see them up close. I just take my shot and head home. But what the fuck was that? This kid isn’t anything to me. A chihuahua chasing a German shepherd. I can still see the small spurts of blood squirting from the corner of his mouth. You don’t have to know shit about people to know that kid was terrified. I’m pretty sure he pissed his pants before he hit the ground. Fucking brat should have ignored me. I would have just walked by had he given me the chance. Piece of shit was asking for it.

The last thing I want to hear. The doorbell. Who the fuck could that be?

Do I ignore it? I should. I might have just killed a kid after all. Who knows, maybe I deserve what is waiting for me downstairs. I used to think that I had a guardian angel by my side. Didn’t realize it was some demon just pulling my strings like a puppet. Against all thoughts of self preservation I head down to the lobby. Don’t want to bother using the buzzer. The least I can do is save them the trip up. Fuck it better not be Bill. Anyone else taking me in would be my last request.

Through the translucent window I can see a female figure standing by the door. Guess it’s better that Ashe knows me for who I really am. A small beam of light cracks seeps through the opening of the door.

“Shannon?” I asked, surprised.

Why is Shaw’s wife here?

“Hi Scott. I’m sorry I’m here so early”

“What are you doing here?”

“Well I’m handling a couple things for the funeral and I wanted to hand you this.” She tells me as she extends her hand out holding an envelope.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a letter from Aaron. I wanted to give it to you at the funeral but Aaron said that you might not come.”

Does he think I’m that heartless?

“Thanks. How are you holding up?”

She takes a deep breath.

“It’s been a really hard time. But my mom has been staying over and it’s been helping a lot.”

“That’s good. How’s Eli with all of this?”

“She’s being a good little trooper but I know she really misses him.”

“She’s always been a tough kid.”

“Ya…” She says, dropping her head to the floor. “Sometimes I think she’s handling this better than I am.”

“Hey Shannon… I know we never really got along. But… I’m happy you were in his life.”

Her eyes begin to glisten as she looks back up at me.

“We never got along because you never made time to get to know me, Scott. But that’s all in the past.”

“If you ever need anything. I… I’m here ok?”

“Thanks Scott. But we are ok.”

As she walks away I feel my heart sink. Somehow the piece of paper she gave me felt like it weighed twenty pounds. I can’t believe she came all the way here. I doubt I’ve seen her in the last three years. I can see the handwritten Scott on the rippled envelope. Looks like he opened it a couple times. Shaw did always review his notes an annoying amount. You’d think that he'd remember some of this shit after all these years. Once I get into the room I finally get the courage to tear the envelope apart. A couple pages of scribbled words to make a couple paragraphs and his notebook. Shaw was never really all that clean.

“Dear Hanes, Scott

I want to start by saying that I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my condition. I was diagnosed a little under a year ago. I just didn’t want to be another thing that makes your life harder. You know how hard it can be I know you’ve been through so much in the last couple of years. I just didn’t want to be another one. Ever since Amanda died I felt like we grew further and further apart. Ever since being overseas you have always been so damn strong. Every hard day seemed like water off a duck's back. But Amanda was different. I’ve never seen you so Broken.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you more. And I’m sorry I kept this a secret. When I was diagnosed I didn’t know what to do. I just lost so much hope. Seeing Eli grow up. Maybe even being a grandparent someday. All those last couple of hopes to having what other people call a normal life was gone. I was so angry you know? We sacrificed so much to let everyone here have the perfect life but we end up coming home and treated worse than stray dogs. I didn’t get treatment. I think a part of me wanted it to hurt. A part of me felt that I deserved this. Scott What was it all for? No one told us that the coming home was going to be worse. I wake up in a cold sweat most nights from the sound of flamethrowers and children’s screams. How could I bring life into this awful world?

Anyways. Enough about that. I wanted to write you a letter because I never got to tell you… well everything. Scott. You have always been my best friend. From the first day of basic I knew you were. You may be a stubborn son of a bitch but you have always been loyal to a fault. A man I could really depend on. And through thick and thin you were there. No matter how much shit was thrown our way you always had an answer. I have always respected you. I’m only sorry that this is something I have to say to a piece of paper over in person over a couple of drinks. Life has beaten you harder than anyone I know but just like in the middle of the shit you pushed on. You gave me the strength to fight, to not show fear, and that sometimes living on can be harder than being dead. I worry I’m taking the easy way out not going for treatment but I just can’t drag this on. I’ve seen what watching someone you love die slowly in front of you is like and I can’t put my girls through that. They are acting strong but I hear Shannon breakdown on the other side of the door. Their cries hurt far worse than anything this bullshit disease could do. I’m out of time Scott. I wish we could’ve finished Amanda's case together. I wish we could find the bastard who took her from you. But this next part is on you. I’m tapping out here. You can’t give up. I know we were getting close.

One night a couple weeks ago I got a call. Some guy's voice I didn’t recognize. He knew who I was. He knew about Eli, Shannon and even that I was sick. He kept calling me, Detective. I think it’s a lead. He said something like “Sometimes the person you are looking for is the one looking over your shoulder.” I think.

I leave that to you. And Scott. Don’t give up. You are so much stronger than this.”

Shaw really knows how to pull on the heart strings. For a guy who never really speaks out much he sure knows how to wear his emotions out on his sleeves. You think you know a guy. He was hurting all these years and like a self absorbed piece of shit I didn’t even notice. I can’t believe that he would bear all of that weight. Poor guy.

Looking over your shoulder huh? This fucker is really starting to get on my nerves. It’s one thing to come for me but Shaw has nothing to do with this. Antagonizing a dying man. Talk about a useless piece of shit. I’m going to get this guy. And I’m going to find out that these fucking things are and I’m going to kill them.

A couple hours after looking through Shaw's notebook I hear the phone ring.

I don’t remember ever being this popular.

“Ya?”

“Hi Hanes, It’s Ashe. I’ll be honest I thought this was going to go straight to voicemail like all the other calls. I just wanted to do my daily check-in and once again apologize for our last conversation.”

“Oh ya. Hey kid. Sorry, what are you calling for again?”

“Oh… Well we kind of ended things pretty harshly.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, kid. I’m sorry about that. My head wasn’t screwed on right.”

“You were hurting. I should have realized that.”

“Ok.Ok. What are you fucking canadian or something?”

I hear a little chuckle over the phone.

“Where I come from we get over it over a drink.” I tell her.

“Detective Scott Hanes? Are you trying to spend time with a coworker outside of scheduled hours? Careful, I think your heart will grow three sizes in one day.”

“Ya ya… So you in? I’m feeling all that guilt and it’s making me itch.”

There's a small pause.

“I’m in. Anything to get away from Bill.”

“Don’t tell me they put you with Bill!”

“He’s the worst! It’s like everything he does is in slow motion and he just repeats the same questions over and over. I honestly miss my grumpy smart ass partner.”

“Ya well you seem like the only person who’ll tolerate me so if you want the slot it’s yours.”

“Wait! Really?”

“Well ya. I don’t want to be stuck with some other rookie who I have to answer fifty questions a day. I know you will run out of them some day.”

“I’m already on volume two of the Scott Hanes detective handbook. I’m thinking I can publish it.”

“Probably a good idea if you want to somehow make even less money.”

“I’m done at eight tonight. Same place as usual?”

“We’ve only been to one place.”

“Exactly. You know. I thought you were smarter than this.”

“I’ll see you at eight, kid.”

She hangs up.

The day goes by slowly. Only two more days of this forced holiday before I can get back on the street. Snow starts falling outside throughout the day. Makes the trip to the bar pretty nice. Christmas trees in houses and a couple decorations as I get close fill the sky. I don’t remember Christmas having so many damn colors. It used to be just green, red and white right? Maybe gold and silver.

“Hanes!” I hear from behind me.

Ashe towards me with her hair down and a black coat that goes down to the thighs.

“Hey Kid. Ready?”

“Of course. I’ve just finished a shift with Bill. I need a double stat.”

We go in. There’s no one in the bar.

“Looks like the storm scared everyone away.”

“Looks so. Faster service.” She says darting off to the bar.

“Hey James. I'd like a double. ”She says, dropping herself heavily on the stool.

“Sure thing Haley. And your… Dad?”

Fucking prick.

“Not funny. This is my partner, Hanes.”

“Oh my bad! Excuse me sir. I thought your partner didn’t go out.”

“Just get me the same.”

“Yes sir.”

He turns around to grab the bottle.

“This one is on the house.” He says running off into the back room.

“Your partner doesn’t go out huh?”

“Well you don’t.”

“It’s not that part that I’m talking about.” I say with a grin.

She takes the glass and shoots it back slamming it back to the counter.

“So… I may have gone on a little tiny rant about you last time I was here. I didn’t feel like explaining the whole story so it was easier to just call you my partner then my mentor.”

“Mentor? My god you really do think the world of me.”

“You shut your mouth!” She says pointing a finger in my face.

I start to laugh and take a sip.

“Didn’t realize that you were such a light drinker.” She taunts, while nudging me with her elbow.

“Hey I’m not the one who just worked three full days with Bill. I think I’ll enjoy a drink or two before it all tastes like water.”

She signals to James for another round.

“Hanes. Am I a good detective?”

“You're a little wet behind the ears but you’ve got chops.”

“You know talking like that makes you sound old.”

“Fuck you!”

He laughs hard enough to nearly fall off her stool.

“Ya kid. You're a good one.”

I see her cheeks start to blush.

“Thanks Hanes. You’re not too bad yourself. I’d say just give it a couple more years.” She says sipping the newly filled glass.

“Listen. I may not be all rainbows and shit but I do really care about this job.”

“I know. Under the grumpy Scrooge stuff I know you have a good heart. The first interview I did. You got in that guy's face faster than I could even think.”

“He was an asshole. He deserved to be put in his place.”

“Ya but you still did it. The moment I lost control you stepped in. Pretty cool if you ask me.”

“Ya well overseas you didn’t really get a chance to think. The longer you waited the more chance you had to have your head blown off.”

“I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been.”

“Ya well other than my shrink and Amanda you’re the only other person I’ve said anything to.”

She stops to stare at me.

“Who’s Amanda?”

I take the rest of my drink.

“My wife. Well she was anyway.”

“What was she like?” She asks.

“She was the best. I met her about three months after coming back home. I was at some dive bar on the other side of town and it was karaoke night. She sang her heart out the whole night. I was scared to talk to her. But then she sang New York State of Mind by Billy Joel, one of my favorite songs. I had to take the chance. And that was it. I couldn’t get enough of her. She was so full of life and always had a bad joke ready to go. She helped me get back to civilian life. With her it always felt like nothing else mattered. She was innocent. She nagged me almost as much as you do.”

“She sounds incredible. I’m sorry she’s gone.”

“Ya me too. Tell you the truth… I don’t know if I remember her voice anymore. Everyday she feels like she’s farther and farther away.”

“I don’t remember my dad’s face. Sure I know his eyes were brown and he had one tooth a little brighter than the others before it was fake. But I don’t see him anymore. I only remember moments with him.”

“I’m sure he’s watching over you.”

“Did you ever catch him? You know the guy who killed your wife?”

“I wish it was that easy. Some cases are more complicated than just a who done it.”

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s hard to explain.”

“James!” She calls out in the distance. “We’ll take the bottle.”

She looks back at me.

“I’ve got time.”

“It’s not that easy. I don’t even know where to start.”

“Listen Scott.” She says in a serious tone. “If I’m going to be your partner we are going to work on this together. Now you can tell me where you are so far or I can start from scratch but I am not letting this go.”

Fuck. Guess she doesn’t leave me much of an option. I’ve got to be careful of what I say. Got to make sure that she doesn’t think I’m some nut job. I think I should just give her the summary.

“You aren’t going to let this go are you?”

She pours us both a full glass of whisky and looks intently at me.

“Not a chance.”

I let out a sigh.

“Fine…” I grab my glass close to my chest.

“So over the past couple of weeks I’ve been getting these calls…”