“Fuck.”

Woke up again. Maybe someday I can get lucky and let the whisky take me out. Guess I’ll have to give it another go some other time. Waking up is trickier than usual today. Feels like I got kicked in the head from the inside. Not to mention the smell of dried booze is starting to stink up the place. Alright, let’s get up.

Feels like the sun knows I’m not it’s biggest fan right now as I walk down to the gas station. Like every year, I try her favorite. Some latte shit with a ton of sugar that I promised that I would give a shot once a year. Still hate it though. Guess I’ll have to get myself a real coffee when I get to the station. Fuck I’m tired today. Feels like I forgot my legs at home.

“Hey Hanes.” Shaw yells from the window of his car. Bastard is always so damn chipper in the morning. It’s a real pain in the ass.

“Hope you didn’t have too rough of a night.” As if he doesn’t see the bags in my eyes.

“Nah it was alright. Just didn’t feel like socializing.”

“Well get in. Captain wants to see us.”

The feeling of bending to get in this car makes all the blood rush to my head like a boxer is using it for sparring practice. Shaw is weirdly quiet today. Usually I can’t get him to shut up in the morning but he hasn’t said anything in 5 minutes. Not to mention he’s white knuckling that steering wheel.

“Alright.. Out with it.” I say so he cuts the bullshit.

He drops his shoulders and let’s out a sigh.

“Listen Scott…” Why is he using my first name? “...I’m going to be gone for a while. Me and Shannon are going to go visit her mom out of town.”

“Ok so you’re taking a week off. What’s the big deal.”

“Actually, it’s going to be longer than that. These cases are starting to weigh on me. I… I need to get away from it for a while. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

I know it’s good for him. He needs it.

“I just want to be sure that you are going to be ok while I’m gone.”

“Me? Why the fuck would I not be?” I told him. What the fuck does he mean by that. He’s the one taking the break.

“I know you haven’t been the same since Amanda died and I just want you to know that I’m worried about you. You’ve worn the same shirt for the past week for god sake’s.”

Where is this coming from? Since when does he talk to me like this?

“Scott… I told the captain to find you another partner while I’m gone.”

“What the fuck Aaron!”

“You aren’t alright Scott! All you do is work and drink. I can’t get you to spend time with me anymore and I know you haven’t even tried dating.”

I’m at a loss of words. Aaron never lashes out like that. Guess he really does need the vacation. I always knew he was too soft for this job. But I’m not looking to drag anyone along the hell hole they keep sending me too.

“Let’s go Hanes. Captain’s gonna introduce you to your new partner.”

I don’t need anyone but I guess I don’t really have a choice if the captain is on board.

Waiting for the elevator is the worst part of this station. So damn slow and the light is out so you never know if it’s coming. You just stand around looking like an idiot. And that damn belle when you get to the floor. Everyone knows when you get there. Feels like when you’re 5 minutes late in school.

“Hanes, Shaw. Let’s go.” Captain screams across the office. Always hated when he does that. Everyone just snickering like a bunch of kids gossiping about why we are in trouble. Doesn’t help that every time I close the captain’s door it slams behind me.

“Fuck! Every damn time!” I said as it slams.

“Come on Hanes, can’t you watch the language for ten minutes?”

“Sorry Captain. Just hate that fu… that door.”

“Just sit down. Shaw… did you tell him yet?”

“Yes sir.” He said like a dog with a tail between his legs.

“Good. At least I don’t have to do that part. Alright Hanes. While Shaw is gone I’m going to assign to one of our newly promoted detectives. Detective Ashe, top of her class, promoted three weeks ago.”

“Captain with all due respect. I don’t need a partner. Let alone some kid who’s still wet behind the ears.”

“With all due respect detective. I don’t give a damn. We are short staffed as it is and it’s not like you’ve been doing your job properly.”

“I’ve got some of the most arrests this year.” I answered. He knows full well.

“Your whole job Hanes! I know you haven’t filled out a form in at least two years from what I can see. You think I don’t notice that you and Shaw have the exact same handwriting?”

Got me there. But who gives a shit about a piece of paper. I’m here to find the ones responsible. Even if they are only a vessel for the real culprits. But until I find a way to prove it I’ll just grin and bear it. After all. They’ll put me away for life if I told them how I knew.

“Besides. You don’t even drive. How else are you going to get to crime scenes?”

Damn. Got me there too. Fine I guess I’ll play along.

“Alright. But if she starts losing her composure I will leave her there.”

“I honestly don’t care. If you do some stupid shit. That’s on you. Now get out of here before you are late for your appointment.”

You really can’t get things past the captain. I was really hoping to skip out today. I just know Doc is going to want to know how I’m doing on the anniversary.

“How are you doing today. I know this is always a hard day for you.”

Fucking called it. Every damn year is the third degree. I could lie and tell her I had a great day but she always calls me out on my bullshit. In some ways she makes me think of a detective.

“Same as last year. Sat alone at home, ate some leftover Thai food and went to bed.”

“Was this Thai food paired with a bottle of alcohol? At least that’s what my nose is telling me.”

“I was celebrating wasn’t I? Four years single. No wife no… kids.”

Why did I say that? Idiot!

“You haven’t brought up your son since our first session. What brings it up today?”

Shit. What do I say?

“I don’t know. Just had a thought last night that he would be starting school.”

Every damn time. We should get her for interrogations. Better than Bill on his best day.

“That can be a very hard thing to process. Every potential milestone can bring back hard memories.” She said in her best shrink voice.

“Ya but Doc, that kid barely lived a month. It’s not like I got to know the thing.”

“Your son. He wasn’t a thing. Many parents love their child the moment they see them. You’re telling me that after a month you felt nothing to lose him?”

Damn. Doc came out swinging today.

“Of course I did. But I’ve lost a lot of people I loved that I knew for a much longer time. What’s another one?”

“You tell me.” She said leaning back into her chair with the notes at hand and the slightest amount of pride from having put me in my place.

“Let’s move on.”

I’m not sad or anything. Doc is just trying to make herself seem right. Guess I can’t blame her. I do the same thing on a crime scene. Question every part until the story unfolds itself.

“Fine. How about we talk about your partner taking a leave. It’s my understanding that you have been with the same partner for a little over nine years now.”

“Shaw? What about him leaving?” I said, darting my eyes away to look at the beating sunlight coming from the huge window next to me.

“Don’t you have curtains or something?”

“So I ask you about your partner and you immediately change the subject. And yet it doesn’t bother you at...all.”

“I just don’t like people. I don’t trust them. So why would I want to meet another?”

I mean it too. When you’ve seen the worst side of people, it can be really hard to see the best.

“Why don’t you tell me about detective Shaw.”

“Shaw… What is there to say. We met on serving. Quiet kid who didn’t really stand out much. He was always a good soldier. Listen to commands, never complained, never talked back. But he was never a killer. Sure he took people down. We all did. The ones who got out at least. But he did it differently. He always had this face on him. Like… he was hurting every time he pulled the trigger. Sometimes I wondered if he would ever miss on purpose just to make it look like he was one of us.” I started while thinking back. “He… he never lost it you know… that thing that made him who he is. I mean… you see many people go in green and come out dripping red. Thousand yard stare and the whole nine yards. But not Aaron. He left as if he never went in the first place. Maybe it never clicked that we were taking as many lives as we were losing. I never understood how he got out. Really got out.”

There she goes again. Doc making me say more than I do in a week.

“Have you ever considered that he’s been your salvation since you came back?”

“What the fuck does that mean? He’s followed me around like a lost dog since we were in the trenches. Why would I need him?”

“Maybe… in some way his ability not to lose himself in the war is something you admire. Maybe you even envy him.”

“No, no Doc now I know you are talking out of your ass. Why the fuck would I envy him?”

“He knows who he is. You saying he kept himself says to me that you feel like you lost yourself.”

Bitch. The audacity to come up with these wild accusations on the fly.

“You know Doc. You’re pretty smart and I respect you. But you are way off on this one. I know exactly who I am.” I tell her getting riled up.

“And who is that?” She says to me keeping the same professional tone...Bitch.

“I’m a man who left for war when he was seventeen and came back to think he could just go back to real life. I even thought it was going to happen until… well you know.”

“Why don’t you say it?”

I look back at the window to look outside. Trying to see if there was any beauty left in the world.

“Before they were killed.” I said, dropping my tone to a hushed whisper.

“You’ve been coming here for four years now. It’s the first time you’ve been able to say it. I know it’s hard but I consider this progress.”

I guess she’s right. The paper on the walls say I should trust her but I know they can get to anyone. If you let yourself slip for a moment anyone can do awful things. But I almost want to believe her. Can she resist their call? That whisper in your ears that makes your desires seem so damn tempting.

“Doc… Have you ever hurt anyone? I mean really hurt. Left them a scar in some way.”

“We aren’t here for me Scott.”

“Humor me. How about break a heart... or push a kid of the swing?”

She pauses. Obvious doesn’t know where I’m getting at.

“I’ve had break ups like anyone else. Why?”

“Did it ever feel good? You know, causing their pain. Doing something you deeply wanted to do.”

“I think we are getting off topic.”

“Not at all Doc. You see… I’ve hurt a lot of people. Many who aren’t with us anymore. And I’ve never met a single person who has hurt someone who didn’t in a small way like it. It’s fun to break things. I’m just making sure I know who you really are seeing as I’m making all this progress.” I said looking deep into her eyes. “Have you ever stolen anything? You just take something you really wanted and said fuck the consequences. Only to regret it later?”

“ Who hasn’t? Humans are impulsive people with very real and strong emotions.”

Spoken like a shrink. But I can see in her eyes that I’m getting to her.

“I only hated that phrase: You’re only human. Seems like a cop out to me. Maybe… we aren’t in control.”

“Do you feel out of control?”

“Stop with the shrink shit for a moment and talk to me like a goddamn human being!” I said in a deep and serious tone. Things went silent. I could hear the fly that’s been buzzing around the window tapping at the glass trying to get out.

“I feel like we’ve made a lot of good progress today. I’m going to ask you to leave.”

Shit. Right when I thought she was going to get real with me. Always work first.

“Fine. I’ll see you next week.” I say standing up and making my way to the door.

“Sorry Doc. I… I just thought I could trust you.”

“Have I ever given you a reason not to?” She snaps back at me. Losing that composure ever so slightly.

“No Doc. you haven’t. Hey… thanks for today. Really sobered me up.”

She slowly drops her notepad on her lap.

“See you next week Scott.”

Didn’t think today was going to start off like this. Get the third degree from my shrink now I’m on babysitting duty. Worst part is coming out of the office. Always get blinded coming out to the door from the sun perfectly placed to burn my retina.

When I regain sight I see it. A Brand new cop car. Not a damn scratch on the thing.

“Detective Hanes!” I hear come from the slightly cracked window on the passenger side.

Out comes this blond with her hair pulled back so tight it gives me a headache just looking at it. Posture straight as an arrow and making a bee line right to my feet.

“I’m detective Haley Ashe. Nice to meet you.” she says, thrusting her open hand to me.

“Hey kid.” I answer and make my way to the passenger seat.

She follows close behind like a dog waiting for their bowl to be put down.

“We’ve got to go check out a scene. 10 blocks down south and to the left.” I tell her as she scampers in the driver's seat.

“I’m excited to be working with you detective Hanes. I’ve heard so much about you and your accomplishments.” She says with an ear to ear grin.

“What exactly have you heard?” I ask. More curious than anything.

“Well… I’ve heard that you made detective in just two years. That you have caught over a dozen serial killers and have made the most arrests in the last four years.”

“You know those are just numbers. I only got the most arrests because I

Haven’t been on vacation in all that time. Listen kid. If you want to make it out here you are going to have to learn fast. There’s a lot they can’t teach you in school.” I warn her as we get to the scene.

“Let’s go. I’ll take this one. Once I see you aren’t white as a ghost I’ll let you join in. Got it?”

“Yes sir!” She replies so damn eager.

I walk up to the foot step of the house. Judging by the lax demeanor or the crew around, this case is done with. Good first go for a rookie.

“Hey Bill, What do we have?”

“Hanes… we have uh let’s see.” he rustles through his notes. “ One dead and another badly injured. No signs of a struggle. Maybe a crime of passion.”

He needed his notes to tell me that? Useless.

“Badly injured? What makes you say it’s a crime of passion?”

“Well… there was a note. He explained why he did it.”

“Ok. usual notes mean it was premeditated. And if this is so cut and dry, why did you call for backup?”

“Well…”

Come on man just say it already.

“I think it’s best that you come inside.”

Bill. useless as always. I can feel the moment I walk through the door that the rookie was about to get a trial by fire. The place was clean. Far too clean. Whatever happened it was quick.

“Stay close to me. If you need to leave, just do it. Ok?”

She replies with a nod. I follow the noise leading us into the kitchen. There’s a body, female, with what seems to be a good 15 stab wounds in her chest. Eyes wide open and a slash on her forearm. Doesn’t look like she stood a chance. There’s the phone unhooked on the ground. Must have tried calling for help. Blood soaks the floor. Dripping all the way down to the stairs leading to the backyard. It’s very fresh. Most of it hasn’t even started to clot. I follow the drops of blood leading me to the living room. Something seems off by the pace of the drips. They are very close together for the amount on the carpet. He must have been walking really slow. Almost like in a daze. Which is not completely abnormal given the circumstances but something seems off. Upon the living room I find him. A man with blood elbow deep on his forearms sitting in a chair placed in the middle of the living room with his head hung low. There seems to me some dripping coming from his face. I get in front of him to get a better view. Why didn’t the medics take him to the hospital?

“So… where do we start?” I ask him hoping to get any reaction.

The man is silent.

“Listen... I’m just here to find out what happened so I can get out of your face.”

Poor choice of words. The man raises his head to look up at me. Half of the right side of his face is shredded. The charring around the wound makes me think it’s a gunshot that gave him that shiner. His eye barely in it’s socket and some searing up the forehead. Clearly some shattered bone along his brow.

“I bet I can guess what happened to her. But I’d like to know what you did right after. I have trouble believing that someone could shoot at you here and you take them to the kitchen to stab them multiple times. Why don’t you start talking so someone can take a look at that.”

The man looks at me. Lights are on but nobody seems home.

“You hear me?”

“Detective.” He says.

“So you can talk. Let’s hear it.”

“I…I don’t know what happened. She was…”

He takes a breath and begins opening and closing his fists.

“She was going to leave me.”

“Hardly seems like an appropriate response.”

“I did everything for her. Every minute I spent at that shithole was to build our life together.”

He’s telling the truth so far but I’m not sure I’m going to get much out of him right now. I turn to Ashe to find a sweaty mess. That tightly pulled hair becoming undone on it’s own.

“Hey kid. Go to the car. We are almost done here.”

“I’m ok.” She answers.

“Kid. I’m not asking you here.”

She huffs for a moment then runs off. It’s better this way.

“ Listen, I know you don’t want to talk about it. So I’m just going to ask you one thing. When did you come too?”

His eyes open wide and he freezes for a moment.

“When after you did it. When did you regain control?”

He stares at me and begins to tremble.

“When I heard the click.”