Chapter 3

Impulsive Compulsion

Back in the cruel, terrible world, the reality we all live in together, if there was such to begin with, having psychosis mixed with paranoia. I couldn’t be so sure at all. Still, I would love to have a big chance at freedom, but all I have for now is to live in constant shame from the rest of not just society itself, but from the entire world, from being a literal menace to society.

That’s when I was locked up inside my own house for the rest of my life, living in constant fear that my parents are too old to support me, and what I can do with myself, knowing the fact that my older brother has his own family to take care of now, and has no time and money for me. As well as for my big sister who refuses to see any of us in the family, after what my father secretly done to her out or drunken rage, finding out she was a lesbian. She was “abused” in that very same room when she was around at the age of 16, and I was at least 8 years old at the time. Where she was disowned and kicked out of the house for being a lesbian.

Having myself wondering where she went all this time, I might suffer the same fate just for being pansexual. As well as seeing my father beat my own mother almost to death right in front of my eyes. She was at the verge of death until she was taken care of, and must be kept as a family secret. Having my eyes about to tear up at that very moment, I knew I was a man, and such a man must never cry. I never cried to it to this day, but I’ve cried for my own selfish and immature issues regarding my own mental health problems.

I’ll never be the same from trauma after trauma from childhood until I eventually became an unstable adult who started from being the wildest delinquent into a completely psychopathic lunatic of a mad dog I am. I promised to them I’d change, but how many times have I broken their trust? Only to never be believed again, thinking I will just manipulate them for my selfish gains again.

I was young, wild, and free. But now that I've matured, they don’t understand my crisis as a premature adult, with worries for my future and the responsibilities I have to practise before taking care of myself properly, yet they never let me. They even refuse to teach me how to cook or do the laundry for myself, having the mindset for an everlasting parent to their deaths, quite literally, as all a parent wants is to never let their child mature and grow, having them be manipulated into thinking of having dependency on their parents. That is the delusion they live in, both of my parents, and the delusion I live in is just a mere coping mechanism from the shitty reality I live in, if there was one to begin with, with such paranoid schizophrenic hallucinations. I can no longer trust myself.

It is the dread of night at the date of July the 12th in the year 2022. As an adult, I am not even allowed to drink alcohol, and they limit my caffeine, and even my bedtime. Especially my cigarette count. Not to mention the fact that I am forced to eat no matter how depressed I am three times a day, skip that and you’re forced to nicotine withdrawals. They check your mouth every time you take your pills, in case you refuse to take them because they make you feel worse than you already feel, and those pills never helped them one bit, despite the fact that I am at maximum dose.

I just feel all the side effects, and not even the positive ones that are meant to help me. I’ve gotten worse. I’ve hit rock bottom, and people keep encouraging me. I don’t need their pitiful encouragement. I keep moving forward into keeping myself positive and staying on the bright side of life no matter how horrendous I go through. I’ve been in this house for seven years since I dropped out, probably secretly expelled because of how fucking crazy I was. But people never give me a chance to change.

What people refuse to understand is that people can change, and I am human too. What if the roles were switched here, and I would look like a crazy tyrant? But when it is me who is locked up for a lifetime without any human rights, or privacy, I am still the villain because I am the one with the mental illness. It is never fair. And I have no one online to support me. I act too excited and childish on the internet because I never get to meet real people to socialise with in real life. Especially how manic I get once people get to know me, and how I get to know people better.

Society says just be yourself, but once you do, you are hated for it. Having myself to be stuck as a people-pleaser to the co-point of beyond no return that I will lose my real identity, eventually.

I had friends who stayed true to me, but they all left because they have their own life rather than the internet, and people refuse to understand why I can’t have my own. Perhaps, I refuse to make them understand, by hiding the shameful part of myself that I can’t have a life no matter what I do.

I’ve done all I can, but I don’t want people to pity me for the things I’ve gone through. Crashing from so much caffeine, my dopamine levels have dropped below normal. Now I can see reality better, without the delusions, and such hallucinations. By tomorrow morning, my dopamine levels spike up as the usual level of any schizophrenic, and I will turn delusional again.

It could turn worse if I drank more than one cup of coffee, with extraordinary gifts running rampant, making me unstable.

***

It’s been the morning, from last night that a witch helped me learn that the succubus that had inhabited my body that took control over my life, there goes by the name Vayne, which I’ve named her before since the first day of my unlife, was in fact my inner devil. I learned that every vampire has an inner devil, which takes over their bodies once they go hungry, go on a frenzy, berserk out for blood to the point the human host can no longer control of themselves that could potentially kill people regardless of the illusionary state of their previous human nature that lingered onto their dead souls.

It is but the “vampire” itself that makes the dead body alive by the gift of the blood of the human master, as the vampire is born as Satan’s spawn into the incarnation of evil. Thus, creating a soul that inhabits the dead, having the previous life’s memories only to be certain, to keep their humanity, but the vampire does not acknowledge the previous life. Until the vampire is recognised by the illusionary human host, it is either they fight to the death for the sake of either humanity or beast, good versus evil, or they could settle their differences and work together.

Thus, and for that... that is what happened. All this time, I thought Vayne was just a hallucination of mine for a decade and a year, since the embrace of death took over my soul, became devoured by the unknown sire that had gifted me the blessing of the blood, within a curse that spawned the vampire, Vayne.

Vayne is foremost my comfort character. She was in love with me, only to be filled with jealousy and wrath once I denied her existence after the psychiatrists took care of my mind. Her existence still persisted. A lot of occultists thought of her as a malicious spirit for the things she did to my life, out of jealousy and mad and obsessive love, maybe just because of the attention she needed from her master, which is her human form that is supposedly myself.

I tried all the banishing spells, but she kept popping up. No matter what I did, none mattered in the end. Until, recently, the witch, named Ren, an exile of the society of witches after refusing to take the offer to be given the legacy of some sort, which is something we had in common, that one transgender woman from the first chapter aided me by teaching me how to trap her soul into a sigil, then use a spell to bring out her true self.

I was not certain, also unready to do such an act. I was afraid, because I did love her in the end, no matter how much she ruined my healthy relationships, attacking my friends in her spirit form, and giving nightmares to everyone close to me. As Ren was certain that Vayne is just a malicious succubus that is somewhat of a toxic ex-girlfriend that is bat shit insane, but not the “cutesy yandere giggly” type. But more of an extremely possessive and obsessive girlfriend, that is the type to write diaries about you after breaking up.

I did what I had to do, which was to trap her soul into a sigil, and asked for forgiveness, because she was the only one there for me in my darkest times. That is, until I finally activated my trap card to let out her true nature, only just to see that she is… me, and I am here. We are two peas in a pod in the same plant. As for every other pod in the plant are every other vampires in the same bloodline.

She is the one that had been killing those people during my sleep, only to wake up not remembering what happened, only just for her to help me get fed enough so I won’t die from hunger. As for her, she never told me anything about herself because she cares about me and didn’t want me to hate her for it. She only disguised herself as someone “I created”, but that was the actual case. I did create her but not in the way I think. But the way my blood spawned her was my servant. She is my beast, and I am her beauty.

She was only doing all this to protect me. The only reason why she went madly in love out of pure insanity was because I stopped caring about her and kept denying her existence no matter how much she pops up to me as an intrusive thought, only because of those psychiatrists that ruined my mind.

She was withdrawing from the attention from her master, which is me. I needed to feed her with attention, care, and concern, while she fed me the blood that I needed in order to survive, causing a mental dilemma that could potentially ruin my own mind.

This was the cause of my “Bipolar Disorder”.

We live in the same skin, so we can’t really destroy each other, and we love each other, despite she is me, and I am here, we’re the exact same person, my soul is gone, I am but the illusion of humanity I had before I died and awakened as a vampire, and herself being the soul that inhabited my body in order to keep me going. I offered her a truce and decided to work together as she accepted and agreed.

Now I am here, happy with my life. And no matter what, we stick to each other’s side.