Disregarding the delicious elf recycling, our infrequent hero marches on by staying seated on the short bus. Offering up his seat to an elderly lady and grabbing the last one available. A middle seat between the ministers of agriculture and banking.

“Being squashed in the middle more like it. Both of these weigh about as much as the actual fucking short bus. Or are they like a race that's half mixed with an animal, that animal being overweight elephants. Because no normal elephant can ever achieve this much girth. Isn't there like an anatomical maximum you have to stay under before your organs fail? I'm certain this is outright abuse of the magic system on this planet just to keep their heart, that grew three sizes that day alone, beating.”

Our hero is being problematic again. And an asshole. These people have simply progressed beyond archaic societal norms and have instituted their own beauty in life. Something the hero could learn from. As life is, by definition, a subjective experience.

“Gravity and mass are not subjective issues, they're not up for fucking debate. If the fucking bus has trouble going beyond five miles an hour because the entire undercarriage is being scraped clean by the underlying asphalt, that's a weight problem. Literally. It's not that the bus is feeling a tad depressed and can't give us a hundred percent today. The only emotional burn-out here is the actual engine burning out because it can't keep up mobility unless we use a hyper concentrated version of jet fuel that can melt steel beams. Never forget.”

Forget what?

“I... don't know any more.”

Egh, typical.

“Well it's not like you're being very helpful while I endure this theatrical version of elephant-men and elephant-men returns: the fattening with extra crispy bacon bits.”

Shouldn't it be elephant man?

“Not with this amount of weight. Oh god, one of them is raising an army to scratch himself. The wafts of decades of uncleaned underwear are hitting my face. There's so much chlorine build-up that I feel like I'm being eaten alive by a pool.”

Prepare for battle!

Play battle music.wav!

“Why did the battle function change? I'm not complaining, just asking. This is kinda retro.”

The chlorine has damaged our internal functions. The world had to use a spare copy of final fantasy seven as a back up.

“Oh, alright then. FIRAGA!”

You don't have that spell.

“Euhm, which ones do I have then?”

The narrator kindly brought up the player's character screen.

STRENGTH: 0

INTELLIGENCE: 0

AGILITY: 0

DEXTERITY: 0

LUCK: 130

ACHIEVEMENTS:

'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S

'Innate asshole' - SSS

'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS

ABILITIES:

'Pelvis thrust' – A

'Pelvic barrage' – no.

“OK, I cast Pelvic Barrage-aga”

Somehow... the system accepts the attack. The hero's loins now vibrate at supersonic speed. Turning the chlorine pool into a cloud of chlorine. It lifts further into the air and lands on the nearby forest that was filled with demonic creatures.

Hero has gained 75.933 experience and went up four levels. He has killed 590 adult demons, 54 elderly demons and many, many, many, many demon children.

“That's a lot of many's.”

The narrator tries not to judge the hero's incessant need to abuse and kill children too harshly.

Your drops were as followed:

Two more poor person's voucher that combined with the one you already had into an super poor person's voucher with +1 to dragon slaying.

“Wait, it's a weapon now?”

And the final drop is a materia named 'Knights of the lucky table'.

“Shouldn't that be round table?”

Our copyright lawyer said no.

“Ah, right. Show me my character screen again, want to see how many levels I went up with.”

Level... euhm, let's go for ten. Why not.

STRENGTH: 0

INTELLIGENCE: 0

AGILITY: 0

DEXTERITY: 0

LUCK: 200

ACHIEVEMENTS:

'Oh you lucky so and so.' - S

'Innate asshole' - SSS

'I'm a kitchensink, daddy!' SSS

Slayer of children - Common

ABILITIES:

'Pelvis thrust' – A

'Pelvic barrage' – no.

'Pelvic barrage-aga' – oh god please no.

“I feel the character screen had become rather apathetic about my progress. Also, why is the new achievement common?”

Parenting is an acquired skill. Usually acquired by the time your fourth child reaches adulthood. I mean IF it reaches adulthood.

“Wow, this got really dark all of a sudden. Let's go back to happy thoughts. Tell me how I to equip the new materia.”

Well... usually, you'd equip it on the character screen. But yours doesn't have that functionality. So you'll need to insert it somewhere else.

“You know, I was silently wishing there was another reason why the materia was shaped like a butt-plug. Maybe the designers had a weird sense of humour. Maybe it was a religious item from a more naïve time.”

Nnnnowp.

“You sick bastard, you like this, don't you.”

Our legal team has advised me not to answer such questions. But yes.

“And let me guess, I'm going to need to shove it inside if I want to continue the main quest.”

Our hero could feel the narrator's big, wide grin shining down on him from above. It illuminated the countryside and brought peace and prosperity to at least five local counties who saw it as the sign of a benevolent god to start fornicating as if their lives depended on it. Which they did. But that's a story for another time.

“Why do I have a feeling you're writing some bad porn fan-fiction in your spare time?”

…

…

…

…

Our hero stepped off the short bus and went inside the castle of doom and evil.

“Yeah, that's what I figured. Fucking coward.”

His slanderous accusations aside, our hero was welcomed by the biggest queue he'd ever seen in his life.

“There's only five people ahead of me. Do you have difficulties estimating size by any chance? Is this why your wife is so unhappy?”

That's the ticket station to turn your voucher in for an entry pass and at least the narrator isn't a hideous creature that repels women.

The line to actually enter starts from the right of the castle and wraps around the entire domain.

“Holy superjesus that's a long line. Isn't there euh... you know, some hero benefits I can use here?”

Technically yes, but no hero before has ever...

The narrator hit his forehead. Of course this hero would use it. Just step to the ticket queue and show them the weapon the queen bestowed upon you.