It only took a couple of weeks for Jacob and Liz to get together, and it only took a couple more days before they were practically fondling each other in the hallways. Naturally, she started hanging out with us, and eventually became part of our group. She melted in perfectly and there was honestly no issue, or least there would have been no issue if my dick had gotten the memo. Lil’ Tobe didn’t care that Liz was an honest woman, or that she was betrothed to my homie, lil’ Tobe saw a box with three holes and was just trying to play basketball.

“Jacob.” I called to him. We were sitting in the cafeteria during lunch, and I didn’t want to look at Liz, lest I stare for too long, so I decided to look for trouble instead.

“What’s up?” He said, taking a bite out of his Nutella sandwich.

I grinned. “Why is your last name a whole-ass typo?”

Frankie laughed as she took a bite of her pizza slice. “Ha! So true!”

“Wh-? My name’s not a bloody typo!” He replied. Beside him, Liz restrained a giggle.

“Bro,” Frankie said, while chewing, “how you gon’ be a grown-ass man and your last name be a damn mistake?”

“Lot’s of people are named ‘Greene’! This is not a new last name!”

“I don’t know, man,” I said, unscrewing my water bottle, “it seems to me like your dad caught an L with that one.”

Frankie burped then giggled. “Jacob Green-eee.”

“Okay, you’ve been pronouncing it right for several months now, don’t do that.” Jacob Green-ee said, pouting.

“Well,” Liz said, “to be fair, it does kind of seem like some dumbass typed an ‘e’ at the end by accident.”

“‘E’ and ‘n’ aren’t even close to the other on the keyboard!” He responded.

I would not let him win. “I’m pretty sure the QUERTY keyboard is a relatively new invention.” I said.

Jacob glared at me and munched on his sandwich.

“I’m going to kill you.” He said.

I grinned. “Promise?”

Liz giggled and turned to Frankie. “Hey, what’s your last name?”

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

I prayed to God almighty Liz wouldn’t walk down that alley.

“Reyez.” Frankie said, through a full mouth.

I watched Liz turn to me in 2 frames per second, my mouth getting drier and drier and my heart getting louder and louder with each passing frame.

“And you Tobe?” She asked.

“Huh?”

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

She rolled her eyes playfully. “I know you heard me, asshole. What’s your last name?”

Frankie pipes up.

“Oo, oo! Pick me! Pick me!” She says, waving her hand in the air like a preschooler.

Liz pointed at her. “Girl in the back who looks like she would give fantastic head, what’s your answer?”

“First of all, I would give fantastic head, wouldn’t I?” Frankie said, pushing her hair aside dramatically.

Liz nodded. “Hell yeah!”

“No comment.” Jacob said, at the same time that I said, “Absolutely.”

“And second,” Frankie said, karate chopping me head, “his last name is Nee-wee-gway”, she turned to me with a bubbling grin, “did I get it right?”

“Fuck no.” I said, rubbing my head.

Frankie deflated with a groan. “You’re just mad I karate chopped you.”

I peeled off a pepperoni slice from her pizza. “Well, it certainly didn’t help.”

“So how do you pronounce it?” Liz said, the upward tilt at the end of her question gave my heart drumsticks.

Behind me, Lucifer chuckled. “Tobechukwu Debare Nwigwe. Tell ‘em. Tell them your name sounds like a listening to a retard fuck someone who’s having a seizure.”

I gulped.

“Nwigw-”

Instantly, I cringed into myself. It sounded so unnatural in an American accent.

Liz leaned forward. “What was that?”

I gulped again.

“Nwigw-” I cleared my throat. “Nwigwe.” It was no use, it was like I was physically incapable of pronouncing it like it was meant to be. I separated the Ns and the Ws like I was an American trying to read a word in an unfamiliar language. I felt like a foreigner to my own language, to my own people. To myself.

“Yeah, I’ll be honest,” Liz chuckled, “It’s better I don’t try, I’d probably butcher tha-”

“Yo, Frankie!” A voice tumbled in our direction and our heads snapped towards Adam, in all his ginger-haired and grey-eyed glory, striding over to us with an unnecessarily white grin on his face.

He walked over to her side, placed his hand on her shoulder, and leaned forward. “What’s up? Did you get my gift?”

Frankie rolled her eyes and took a bite of her slice.

“Yes, Adam, I got the Switch.” She said, elbowing his ribs.

Jacob struggled to swallow his sandwich. “He gave you a fucking Switch?!”

“Eh,” Adam said, shrugging dismissively, “I already finished Zelda, so I don’t really need it.”

“More like, I finished it for you.” Frankie said, elbowing him again.

“Eh, we can agree to disagree.” Adam around her and lightly tapped on my shoulder.

“Hey, ‘scuse me bro.” He said.

I didn’t look at him, but I bit my lip and shifted. He slid in between me and Frankie before wrapping his hand around her shoulders. Instantly, he melted into the conversation like cheese, and believe me when I say he hit every single queue. Better than me, even. I remember sitting there watching him, watching all of them, and realizing in a moment that there was no air bubble big enough for me to slip into.

Adam must have made a joke or something, because the entire table burst into laughter, and Lucifer slipped right in. His chuckles bubbled into cackles, and my lungs shrunk and shrunk and shrunk. Not enough air, there wasn’t enough air. I’d been there enough times to know the signs, so I burst into a coughing fit and stood up.

“You alright, mate?” Jacob said.

“Y-yeah, just need some air.” I said, unable to look at him. Don’t cry. Don’t you dare fucking cry, Tobe. Breathe. Not everything needs to be a big deal, dammit! Breathe!

“Do you want Jacob to follow you?” Frankie asked, Jacob was already getting up.

I couldn’t catch my breath. Not enough to fake-cough, so I just shook my head and power-walked out of the cafeteria. When I was out of their line of sight, I covered my ears and tried to shove as much air in my shriveled lungs as I could. In, out. In, out. Back and forth until I made it to the bathroom. I stumbled inside and into a stall, before locking it and sitting down on the toilet.

I rocked back and forth, my fingers locked in a death grip on my arms. I remember staring at my shoes, blinking away any moisture I could find. My Nike sneakers, once red and practically glowing, were now tattered, falling apart at the seams. By all means, I shouldn’t have kept wearing them, but once upon a time, Alex had said they were “electric”, and I clung to that sunbeam for as long as I could, long, long after midnight.

“Shit, shit, shit,” I whispered frantically, spittle flying out of my mouth, “what the fuck is your problem, why is everything so fucking difficult? Why can’t you just work? Fuck, fuck, fuck, they’re gonna have so many questions!”

I tried to hold in the tears.

“It doesn’t have to be a big deal, Tobe! All you had to do was just speak! Why can’t you just fucking work! FUCK!”

I failed.

“Stop fucking crying, dammit! Why are you always crying? Je-Jesus fucking christ, nothing FUCKING HAPPENE-” The rest of the bullshit I was spewing fell underneath the tides of my sobs. The sobs that never asked whether or not I wanted them.

“Why are you like this?” This time the voice wasn’t mine. I looked up to see Lucifer floating about a foot in front of me. He didn’t look mischevious, or jubilated, he just looked tired. Lucifer got like that sometimes, and they only added salt to the imaginary wounds.

“S-stop fucking laughing all the damn time!” I said, my voice undulating with the sobs.

His eyebrows furrowed. “What happened?”

“Wh-?”

“What happened out there, that’s left you here crying and talking the door of a bathroom stall, what happened? What’s happening in this world that’s driving you crazy, you little shit? People your age with the same name as you would kill to just have breakfast. What the fuck do you have to be fucking sad about?”

“YOU, DAMMIT! YOU!” I covered my face. “Just leave me alone.”

“So that what’ll happen? You’ll be lonelier than you already are?”

Uncovered. “I’M NOT-”

“Look at yourself, Tobe! Look at yourself! Are you sad that the girl you convinced yourself you liked, DARED to have feelings for someone else? Are you sad that you’re too ashamed of your blood to say your name right? Or that the person you NEVER showed ANY ROMANTIC INTEREST IN has the absolute nerve to get railed by a DICK WITH HAIR ON IT’S BALLS?! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU BLEEDING FROM? NOTHING STABBED YOU! YOU ETCHED THEIR NAMES UNTO THE GUN AND PULLED THE TRIGGER, YOU DUMB FUCK! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO EXPLOSIVE?! YOU’RE LIKE A LANDMINE THAT THAT LOSES IT’S SHIT FROM A RAINDROP!”

Silence. Silence accented by our breathing.

“i hate myself.” I whispered. Whatever decibel was just shy of nothing, that would be how loud I was, I even breathed over it so he wouldn’t hear me.

Lucifer just stared at me. “Or maybe you just hate the pieces of yourself you keep giving to these hoes, man.”

“Or maybe just I hate you.” I said.

Lucifer shrugged. “Maybe the sun’s also a star.”

Realizing he was back to his bullshit, I rolled my eyes and got back to my feet. Pushing past him, unlocking the stall, and trudging to the sink, I turned on the tap and started washing my hands, probably out of pure reflex, when I saw my reflection. My eyes were red, my lips big enough to deep-throat the sun, and I had so much acne that my face looked like a damn mountain range. I stood there watching myself watch myself for a moment, before venom pooled somewhere in my gut. So hot and so bitter at itself that it bubbled upwards, and I spat on my reflection. The glob of saliva landed with a splat and ran down the face of my image, splitting it apart.

I raised my hand to wipe it off, but just as my sleeve was about to touch the glob, I dropped my arm. To this day I still don’t know why, but I knew I would cry again if I wiped it off. I turned away and headed for the door.

As I reached it, I sniffed and took a breath to calm my breathing. I had just begun formulating my excuse when I swung the door open to see Jacob and Frankie staring at me like a bunch of deer in headlights.

“Mate, there is a perfectly good explanation for this.” Jacob said.

“I get it.” I replied, “you’re not the first fans to try and get a glimpse of this fabled weiner.”

Frankie sighed in relief. “So you’re okay?”

“Yeah man, we heard you yelling at someone, you solid?” Jacob patted my shoulder.

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m solid,” I said, containing my smile, “let’s leave the bathroom and give Hillary Clinton time to put her bra back on.”

“Wait lemme see!” Jacob said, trying to look over my shoulder.

We laughed as we left the bathroom, and I remember thinking that as long as I had them, Lucifer didn’t always have to win, and so I pushed all he said into the very back of my mind. Back then, I wished could capture this moment in a bottle and drink it over and over, until there was no space for anyone’s laughter but our own.

Of course, it wouldn’t be long before me and my dick set fire to it all.

Dear Bec, eventually you will usher in the moon’s tide.

One day, you won’t deserve the sun, and someone else he’ll find.

And one day, the whispers hiding in sunsets that hold you,

One day, one day, believe me, they will hold true.