《The book of forever》Chapter 2.4: Longing, waiting, healing
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It's been a week and I still miss you so, the pain has dulled as quickly as it came, I still love you just like the very same, the pointer in my heart still has your name. I understand that the love has ended, and yet my mind still lingers on why this... this state of affairs that we are now in, the reason why our talks are so sparse, thin. It's been a while, yet not very long, healing takes longer, but I'm going strong. I'm trying to be patient, yet nothing... fails to remind me of your voice that sings.
It's a longing, yet not a stinging pain, it's a wanting that feels so empty too, it's a passing, our ever moving time, and it's a lasting, searching in my heart. I think I'm moving, but not moving on, a shark circling the waters to not sink, I'm spending my time to go on and think.
This heart of mine ever so fragile, this heart of mine ever so flawed and weak, this heart of mine which heals too fast, it last... I want this time to linger, the pain fades, with it I ponder the feelings I made.
I'm selfish, I'm flawed, I want to be loved, maybe it's because of that... that I can't, can't force myself to move on. selfish love, that's all I'm capable of, selfish love, maybe people should stay on away.
I want to love genuinely but still, my emotions cool, yet longing it stays. A flawed human being, I am that way... I feel like this pain should last longer still, that I shouldn't accept the way it is, that I should scream that I truly did love, but my heart it knows, that that... would hurt you.
To not hurt you with my lingering thorns, to not hurt you with these thoughts that adorn, a shaky heart without a staying muse, an empty longing, a fear I can't lose.
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To not hurt you with the me of today, I must let the pain go, yet longing stays. I should mask the feelings deep in my heart, pretend it was never there from the start. Yet it hurts, I can't just lie to myself, I did love knowing how much it would hurt, yet it hurts, I knew it from the ver' start, and yet it hurts, proof of my beating heart.
... and yet it hurts, proving that I can love. And yet it hurts, proof that I still love you.
... and yet it fades, I've accepted this fate, accepted this choice that you once did make.
To protect myself, and to protect you, I need to let go, of these times so bright. My heart... it'll be alright, out of sight.
This is called healing, is called moving on, is called protecting myself, staying strong. This is called continuing, knowing on, that you'll keep your bright smile all along.
Have faith in me, that I'll smile brightly... Have faith in myself... that I'll forgive myself...
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*** Let's get this clear now: the MC is a trans woman. This is not a gender-bender. It's set in a fantasy world but the exploration of identity and gender is reality-based. Not a joke, not a kinky turn-on. If this is a problem for you, please just act like an adult and look elsewhere for something to read. *** Rating breakdown, since that should be public info: 2 x 5*, 1 x 4.5*, 1 x 3*, no reasons offered. A human shaman and healer returns from several years with the mysterious shyani, accompanied by her shapeshifting puma best friend. A valued friend, from her previous identity as a male student physician, has acquired an old shyani book, and extremists will not tolerate its presence in human hands. But back in human lands, the question arises: which world does she belong in? Generations ago, human explorers found a continent inhabited by an utterly alien culture of shapeshifting weyres and the shyani, humanoids who prefer dusk and dawn. A truce of sorts was eventually reached: humans claimed the rich lowlands, and the shyani and weyres retain the highlands. Along the border, practicality often rules, but on either side, old grudges linger in some hearts. As a student physician, Corin tried to take his own life, unable to bear the countless tiny wounds inflicted over twenty-one years of lying to himself in order to be, or pretend to be, socially acceptable. At the last improbable instant, intervention came, in the form of a spirit fox, who led him away from the existence he’d known in the lowlands and into the highlands. There, a puma weyre rescued him, and a shyani shaman helped him find his true self and offered a rebirth, a life with no more lies, and an important role to fill. Now a shaman and healer in her own right, Vixen who was once Corin learns that the one human who mattered to her in her previous life, then a fellow University student, has come into possession of an old shyani book, and the more fanatical shyani and weyres will stop at nothing to reclaim it and punish Jared. Even though it means going back into the lowlands and facing Jared as a woman, she can’t bear to just look the other way. This should be a short visit, just long enough to see the book into the proper hands and make sure Jared will not be killed for having it, and then she can return to the shyani community that has accepted her as their shaman. And, of course, her feline best friend Dayr insists on coming with her. But Jared is now a Lord, with considerable wealth and power, and his response to her presence isn’t one she expected. After years living with the shyani, she sees everything around her from a new perspective, and that makes it difficult to keep to the plan of making as few waves as possible. As an honoured guest in a highborn house, with only Jared aware that she has ever been anyone else, Vixen finds herself questioning where she belongs: with Dayr and the shyani, who accept her gender without question but have to make allowances for her differences, or with humans, in the culture she grew up in even though her past would mean a major scandal? *** Trigger warning: there are scenes of Vixen's previous life, which include some difficult moments and culminate in an (obviously unsuccessful) attempt at suicide before she finds her true self and a better life. Please be careful! This is the ONLY reason for the "Traumatising Content" tag.*** Complete stand-alone novel, 96K words. Also available on Scribble Hub and as a free ebook.
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