Christian stared up at the ceiling, the sound of a clock ticking somewhere in the distance was the only thing that could be heard- that and the moaning of the house shifting, the gentle creak of old floorboards and the slight sway in the wind. These noises had been with her for so long that they had almost become comforting, but now they seemed like sirens telling her to run. Christian knew what she needed to do.

From underneath her bed, she slid out an old dusty suitcase, it had been down there for quite some time. She felt its rough casing, sturdy and solid. She hoped that it would serve her well in the future. With her hands firmly gripping the handle she departed from her room, she would never be in there again.

The sun had dipped over the horizon and her mother had retired to her room. Christian knew how this would have to go; she had done this before. Each footstep was placed with care and each breath was taken softly. She felt like she was defusing a bomb and at any second it could blow up in her face.

As she reached the front door, she turned to look at her mother’s door, a small part of her wished that she would be caught and returned to the safety of her bed. The world outside seemed so big and she knew that she had barely seen any of it yet. She knew what was in here, this was her home, this is where she grew up. Maybe she should turn around and forget this ever happened. But suddenly she noticed something on the ground, a little stream of moonlight was peeking through the bottom of the door. Christian smiled, a tear running down her cheek. She knew she had to go.

Christian felt the cold air on her skin and felt the hard earth beneath her feet. For the first time, she felt like she could breathe again. Suddenly she began to run as fast as her legs could take her, each step taking her farther and farther away until she stopped. Christian turned to look at her home, or what was her home until now. Perhaps the world wasn’t actually that big, maybe it was just her house that was small.

As she ran down the long and twisting dirt road that led away from her house she wondered if she would ever see it again. She wondered if she would ever hear her mother’s cold voice or see her unflinching face ever again. Deep down, she hoped she never would.

...

Maria stood patiently looking out through a window, she was waiting for the sun to rise. She had been there for a very long time, the minutes shifting to hours. Her mouth was moving as she silently offered up prayers, pleas that seemed to be falling on deaf ears. Her hands were trembling, she couldn’t stop them. Her heart fluttered, her pulse quickened, and she felt like she could run a mile but yet was frozen to the spot. She knew that something deep down was going broken, or perhaps something was being mended. Her conviction was split, a part of her wanted it to end now and to get it over with- the other part wished for the opposite.

Her thoughts were turned towards her daughter, to her little Christian. She wondered where she was, she hoped deeply that she was safe. Moments from her past began to replay inside her mind, memories of the long years spent raising her child on her own. She saw every smile on Christian’s face, every lesson she ever taught her, every punishment she ever delivered, and the only thing she could help but think was why? Why did I never tell her?

Maria didn’t have the answer. There were times when she had wanted to tell Christian all about what she had done and what her fate would be, but she didn’t. It was as though her tung was tied and her lips sealed, but now they were coming loose. What have I done? My little Christian… My girl… I just wanted to keep you safe. As she thought that deep down, she knew the truth, the truth was that she was lying to herself. Suddenly her attention was diverted as she noticed, to her alarm, that someone was walking up to her driveway. It was no random stranger; the prodigal daughter had returned home.

Chris had been walking for a very, very long time. Though it had been only hours it seemed like an eternity had been spent putting one foot after the other. Pain shot through her entire body, throbbing and pulsating like a heart in agony. She had cuts and bruises and her neon green uniform was certainly no longer fit to wear.

She had been driving when it happened, on the stroke of midnight she had felt herself be pulled away. The world around her no longer existed, there were no cars, no roads, and nowhere to go but down. She felt herself sink into that dark place, she wanted to scream and shout out for help, but she didn’t. The worse thing about this place wasn’t the pain or the loneliness, it was the fact that she didn’t care that it was happening to her. Chris felt utterly numb, there was no point in screaming and there was no reason to cry. No one was going to hear you, and nothing will take pity on you here, here nothing mattered at all.

Chris would have let herself stay there forever, but her car had other ideas. Reality snapped back into place the moment her car began to slide against the railings on the side of the road. The sound of metal ripping and tearing apart was enough for her to instinctually slam on the break. But it was too late, she found herself floating up in her seat, the world going upside down as the car was flung off the road and toppled into a ditch.

Chris was too stunned to realize how lucky she was to be alive when she made her way out of the wrecked vehicle. The old crummy car that she had stolen was no longer there, now it was just a pile of broken glass a metal with four wheels presenting to the sky. Chris would have been mortified but she simply didn’t have the luxury of taking her time.

Somehow, she was still here, passed her supposed expiration date. Chris felt for one gleaming moment that maybe it had all been one big dream and at any moment she was about to wake up and tell Jess all about it. But Chris knew better than to feel hope now and slowly she crawled her way out of the ditch and began to walk.

Chris knew that her mom’s house was miles away, and it would take her hours to make it there on foot. One foot after the other, Chris. Somehow, I’ve still got time.

For the longest time, Chris had no clue why she was still here. She wondered if the car crash had somehow messed things up and brought her back. But even now she could feel that she wasn’t herself, her body was slowly beginning to feel numb. She hoped it was an injury from the crash, but she knew she wasn’t that lucky. Whatever was happening to her was reaching its final stages, and her time was running out.

I remember now. Mom told me once about how I was born, she said something about watching the sunrise with me in her arms… Oh, I get it now, twenty years exactly was the deal. I guess the devil does keep their word. Suddenly it dawned on her in a moment of bitter irony. Oh, it’s my birthday.

The hours passed slowly; Chris wasn’t even sure that she would make it to the house in time. Even if she did, she had no idea whether or not her mom could help her. This was her last shot in the dark, the final inch of her rope, there was no other way. But even with this knowledge firmly in the back of her mind, she still hated the sight of her old home again.

Chris stood now in front of her home, or what used to be her home. Now it was just a house that kept bitter memories tucked deeply inside it. The house was a balloon ready to pop and Chris felt like she was a needle. With a sense of looming dread, she watched as the door slowly swung open.

Maria stood in the doorway looking down at her exhausted and dirt-covered daughter. The morning fog was fading around them, she didn’t know how to react. Slowly, she felt herself move closer to Chris and stood in front of her like she had done many times before. Chris was her height now, she realized. She wondered what it would have been like to see her grow.

Chris looked at her mom, eyes fresh with the truth. No longer was this the person that had locked her away from any threat the outside world could pose, now the person in front of her was the woman who had signed her death warrant. She had so many questions, so many demands that all needed to come out. But all of them leapt from her mind as Maria flung her arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

“My sweet daughter.” Maria said into Chris’s ear. “You’ve come home!”

Chris was at a loss for words, it was like she had been frozen to the spot. In all the years Chris had spent under her mom’s roof, she never once was hugged by her. She felt the warmth of Maria’s arms against her back, it felt nice. Slowly Chris hugged her back.

Maria felt her daughter reach around her and return the gesture. Something inside of her twisted, what was this feeling? Was this love?

“Christian-” She began but corrected herself. “Chris. I am so sorry for what is happening to you, I truly am. You must be so confused and frightened.”

“No,” Chris replied. “I know what’s happening.”

“You do?”

Chris backed away gently. “They told me everything.”

Maria’s eyes widened as she realized who Chris was referring to. “Oh.” Awkwardly she turned around, she didn’t want her daughter she the fear on her face. “Why did you come back?”

“Because… I have to stop this.” Chris’s barely had enough energy to speak, she felt the pain increasing. “I know I can, they told me I can. But I don’t know how! Please, mom, is there anything you know? Is there any way you can break the deal off?”

Maria’s voice trembled. “No… I’m sorry.”

“Please, mom, you’re all I have left now!”

“I told you at the store how you could break the deal, you did not listen.”

Chris walked up and grabbed her mother by the arm. “Listen to me! That loophole you thought of it? It would have never worked, even if I wanted to try it. It was never true, mom.”

“What?” Maria was taken aback. “But…”

Chris waved her off, she didn’t have time to argue. “Please, is there anything else? Do know any way to stop this from happening to me?”

Maria thought long and hard, for so long she had assumed she had cheated the Devil. She had made a deal with a clear loophole in mind, but now that the way out was shattered it all came crashing down around her. “I’m sorry, but I don’t.” She lied, the truth still lingering in the back of her mind.

Chris’s only hope for salvation slipped from her fingertips. In one fell swoop, the exhaustion consumed her, and she fell to her knees. Maria was quick to catch her, but tiredness wasn’t the only thing pulling her down. She felt it, deep down, the fire and numbness growing stronger. The world was getting darker, the colors fading and the little light that there was growing dimmer.

“How long do I have?” She asked, her voice a whisper.

Maria looked up at the rising sun. “Minutes.”

Chris struggled to stand as Maria raised her up in support. Chris could see the light breaching the horizon, dawn was approaching. She didn’t want to die here; she didn’t want to die in her mother’s arms in the middle of the yard. She wanted to be with the person she truly loved, but they wouldn’t even remember her face.

“Mom, can we go to the balcony?” Chris asked weakly. “I don’t want to die here.”

Maria nodded and led her daughter into the house. She had never seen her little girl this afraid before, this desperate. She was so afraid that she had come to her, of all people, for help. Maria wished that she could help her, but she knew that she couldn’t do that. Maria felt something boil up inside her, she tried to push it down.

Chris looked around at the house that she once had called home. It was uncanny, everything was the same as she had left it- just a little older. It was like a painting in a museum, never-changing only lingering. If Chris wasn’t fading away, she would have wanted to run away and never turn back, but now this was the only place she could be.

As they approached the stairs Chris couldn’t help but see her old room in the back, the door was open as if it were enticing her to come back in. All the painful memories of sitting behind that door, waiting for someone to let her out or even just speak to her came careening back. She hated seeing it, there was nothing good in that room, at least for her anyway. Though in the back of her mind she could help but recall the Devil saying, despite everything, your mother always wanted to keep you safe.

As the two ascended the stairs those words kept echoing through the back of Chris’s mind. Why would they tell me that? In her mother’s arms, she felt a warmth that had been missing throughout her childhood. It was the feeling she felt in Jess’s arms, the embrace of someone that loves you. She wondered what had changed in her mother in the time that she had been gone, perhaps the years had softened her.

“Your different.” Chris said, struggling to find her footing on the stairs. “You’ve changed.”

“It seems that we are both going through a change.” Maria spoke.

It had taken her some time to realize, but Maria knew deep down what was happening. She had lost something the day she shook the Devil’s hand, and only now was it slowly being returned to her. At the same time, something was being taken away from her and she deeply regretted the exchange.

As they reached the top of the staircase Chris hung on her mother’s words. “What’s happening to me, it’s happening to you, isn’t it?” She asked. “You’re getting your soul back?”

Maria struggled to open the door to the balcony but with a little bit of luck, she was able to pull it open. The balcony was just how Chris remembered it, it felt like yesterday when she tripped and nearly plummeted to the ground below. Now she felt she was falling lower than she could ever possibly have imagined, she wished there was a railing she could cling onto now.

Maria sat Chris down on the cold wooden flooring and placed herself next to her. She saw the sun had already risen a bit; she knew the time was coming.

“Chris.” Said Maria, her voice wavering. “I am so sorry for what I have done to you. Knowing what I am aware of now I would have never done this; I swear on God’s name that I would not!”

Chris could barely hear her mother; the world was growing grey despite the light around her. She looked to her mother, to the old woman that had chained most of her childhood to a room. The truth dawned on her slowly.

“You couldn’t do it, could you?” Chris asked. “You could never have loved me.”

“What?”

Chris wanted to cry but all she could manage was a trembling voice. “All those years I assumed you just hated me; I never knew why. But now I see it, mom. You didn’t have a soul to love me with.”

Maria didn’t say a word, she only gave a soft nod. In her chest she felt something rise up again, she tried to put it out of her mind.

Chris felt the numbness spreading, the fire was burning hotter now, any second, she would be gone. Slowly she painstakingly rose to her feet, I have to be brave. Maria did the same beside her.

As the bright light lit her face, Chris thought of all the things she could have done with her life. She felt like her life was just beginning but now it was ending. She wanted to go to her job, deal with boring coworkers, she wanted to ride the bus again and count the buildings, she wanted to hold Jess tightly in her arms and never let go, but now she would never be able to.

Maria watched her daughter close her eyes and begin to cry as the crushing weight of an eternity of agony was pushing towards her. She reached out and grabbed her hand, “I’m sorry.” Maria said.

Despite everything, your mother always wanted to keep you safe.

Chris’s eyes shot open, the realization breaking through the numbness and fire. “You couldn’t love me…” Chris spoke, her voice trembling through the pain. “But you kept me locked away, to keep me safe from the world?”

Her daughter’s words pierced right through Maria, she took a step closer and held her hand tighter by her side. Chris recoiled from the grasp; it was the same grip her mother had used as a child- the one she used to bring her back inside her room.

Chris could barely think, everything was going dark. “Why? Why keep me safe if you never loved me? There has to be a reason, you did it for a reason didn’t you? It wasn’t for love… it was for… safety?”

“Christian, please do not spend your last moments wondering about things that do not matter now.” Maria couldn’t look her daughter in the face when she said that.

“But it wasn’t safety for me, was it?”

Maria turned to face her daughter and was shocked to see that she was fading, blinking in and out of reality. Chris could no longer see; she could only barely feel the floor pressing against her feet and the sound her the wind passing by. She felt herself coming in and out of that dark place, it was as if she were barely peaking her head above water desperately clawing for her final breaths.

Her truth had been revealed, Maria couldn’t bear to keep it in any longer. “I only did what I had to do! I did not want any of this to happen, but I had no choice! If you had died the deal would have been off and the Devil would never have returned my soul to me, I could not let that happen!” Maria approached her fading daughter and put her arms around her in a desperate hug. “I am sorry, I am so very sorry!”

Chris couldn’t feel her mother’s arms around her, but she sensed that they were there. The pain that she was experiencing was indescribable, but for one moment in the swirl of endless uncaring pain, she saw a way out.

“Mom…” Chris stammered. “I’m sorry, too.”

Chris’s hand shook as she raised them around her mother, she was too numb now to feel her but, in her heart, she knew that she was there. She didn’t think when she did it, she didn’t weigh the consequences of her actions. When someone is in immense pain, they will do anything to get away from it and Chris was no different. With arms slowly boiling from invisible flames, Chris pushed out with the very last of her strength.

At that moment, Maria had known what had happened and her arms flew out desperately searching for something to grab onto. Her hand latched on to the railing behind her, she thought she was saved. But suddenly she heard a creak, and then a crack as the railing gave way- her only lifeline falling with her.

For all of her life, Maria had been trying to save her soul from damnation. But as the ground quickly became closer, Maria felt that feeling again, the one she had been trying so hard to ignore. It was the sting of guilt, something she hadn’t felt in a very long time. In a quiet moment of realization, Maria knew where her soul was going, it was following her down.

On the top of the balcony, Chris lay on the ground, exhausted and unable to move. But as the bright light of day engulfed her, she realized that the numbness and the pain had faded. Her eyes opened, it felt as if she was waking up for the first time in ages. She felt herself up and down, somehow, she was still here.

But how? She wondered as the pieces of the puzzle slowly aligned themselves in her head. If mom needed me to be alive, then maybe I needed the reverse? The Devil told me, ‘The dead no longer have a place for a soul to be taken or given.’ That’s it, mom didn’t have any place for her soul to return to now that she’s… gone. The deal was broken… I’m safe. Chris had no idea whether what she had done was an accident or something she did on purpose, the haze was too strong to determine the truth through.

Her strength returning, she stood to see what had happened. Her mother was nowhere to be seen instead only a splintered and broken railing stood to greet her. What she had done came rushing back to Chris, the pain and desperation that she felt all seemed like a bad dream now. Had she really just done this? Had she just killed her mother? She didn’t look below to check, instead, she slowly backed away from the edge and back into the house. She forced her mind away from what had happened, now there was only one thing she could think to do as she rushed down the stairs.

On an old house phone, Chris dialed up a number and eagerly waited with bated breath for an answer. “Hello?” Jess asked.

The heart in Chris’s chest fluttered. “Jess?” She asked, hesitantly. “It’s me, Chris. Do you recognize me?”

“Chris!” Jess practically screamed. “Oh my god, where the hell are you? Are you okay?”

Chris felt overcome with relief, “You remember me!”

“Of course, I do! Babe, where did you go? One minute I’m waiting for you to get back, I found that keycard of yours under the bed by the way, and the next it was like you were never even here! It’s like you slipped my mind somehow, babe are you alright?”

Chris wanted to tell her everything, the ugly truth and all, but right now she couldn’t think about that. “Jess, I’m okay now and I promise you I’ll tell you everything later. I just wanted to hear your voice again.”

On the other end, Jess was confused. “Chris, is everything alright? Did your mom come back again?”

Chris couldn’t help but glance towards where she knew her mother’s body had fallen. “I have to go now… I love you, Jess.”

Hanging up the phone, Chris felt the room around her growing smaller. She had so much to think about, so many things to do, and she felt the burden of everything that would need to happen next weigh on her shoulders. But then a smile came across her face, that’s alright. She thought. I have the rest of my life to do them.

There was indeed much that Chris needed to do. Soon she would find herself coming up with a story when she called the authorities, her mother had slipped and fallen- a terrible accident that she wished she could have prevented. They would believe her; these unfortunate things happen all the time. To Jess she would tell the whole truth, the ugly parts and all. Jess would listen intently and find it alarming to realize that she actually believed what her girlfriend was telling her. But all of that could wait, now in the gentle light of the morning, Chris did one thing.

A swing set rested in the yard, old and far more rusted than she remembered. Chris took a seat on one of the remaining flimsy seats and started to rock back and forth. No one was there to stop her now and no one was coming to take her away. Chris knew now in her soul that she was free, free to live out the rest of her life the way she wanted. She felt something rise up inside of her, a feeling that she hadn’t felt in what seemed like an eternity. As the swing gently swung her through the air, Chris felt free, and there was no one that could take that away from her.