EPILOGUE

Six Weeks Later

Imagine a woman in a suit. You see her and think 'I bet her name is Shrug' (and you don't feel guilty because she's only going to be around for a few sentences). That's the woman we're looking at right now. Shrug is giving a Powerpoint presentation to some people we can't quite see, but there are two blonde men, two black-haired men, and one woman with a high, black ponytail. You've read 360 pages of this book, so you can guess who they are.

There's a knock on the glass door. Shrug looks down at her watch, and waves the knocker in.

"Hi everyone," says the knocker. It's a tiny Japanese-American in expensive business attire. "My name is Isli. Sorry to bother you but we've arranged a little surprise. If you'd please follow me?"

The Swords of the Scales - we can see them clearly now, including Nicola, whose privacy I'll respect by not describing her except to say she doesn't look like she does in the game - get up and follow Isli down the corridor and into a little kitchenette. They aren't very excited by the promise of a surprise in such a setting, so they are utterly and completely stunned by what they see.

On a scratchy little sofa is a man in a grey hoodie. A handsome man, intelligent eyes, creative chin, kind and generous nostrils, a man who carries with him an air of mystery, whose superficial photogenicity hints at unknowable depths of character.

If you're thinking 'duh it's obviously you' then NO. Go to the bottom of the class! I'm not in this chapter.

"Ah!" he says, putting down a flimsy little paper cup. He stands and fistbumps the Swords in turn. "The famous Swords. Uh..." He's staring at Nicola, but then he remembers he was warned she doesn't look like she does in the game, and he recovers. It's almost seamless, but not quite. This is a man used to dealing with glitches, and he simply smiles his way through the awkwardness. "Valentine, isn't it?"

Shrug steps in. "Adam, Ben, Charles, Damian, Nicola."

The man indicates that she hasn't finished the introductions yet. What about me?

Adam speaks. "Uh, we know who you are, sir. Mister Thetan, sir."

Thetan basks in the adulation. "Call me Conor. Would you mind walking and talking? I have to be back in Switzerland... well, ten minutes ago, ideally."

Ben adjusts his glasses, examines the bog-standard break room. He can't imagine the richest man in the world in such a setting. "Were you waiting for us? Why?"

Thetan points to the elevator. "I've got a quest for you. Call it a favor."

The Intern

As they walk to the end of the corridor, Thetan says, "I get an alert if anyone buys a chunk of ThetanSoft stock. Someone with your family name took a pretty big position a while back."

Adam nods. "We got to see your movie before anyone else knew it existed. It... was suggested that it was a good investment. Is that why we're here?"

"No," says Thetan. "Just small talk. Shrug wants to turn your story into a movie. How was her pitch?"

"Good," says Charles. He glances at Nicola. "But we're apprehensive about the privacy aspect."

Thetan tries to process this. "Most of you chose to look the same in-game as out here."

Ben pipes up. "It's one thing to be seen by a couple of people when you cross into someone's Twitch stream. It's another thing to be on lunchboxes."

Thetan stops dead, just short of the elevator doors. "Lunchboxes... why is that phrase so familiar?"

Isli looks up from her phone. She's been tapping away at it the whole time. "The intern used the exact same phrase. He said they'd never go with the movie and pitched a different idea." She jabs at the down button; it's her job to make sure her boss is where he needs to be.

The doors open and everyone gets in. Isli hits the lowest button. "What's the other idea?" says Adam.

Thetan digs his knuckles into his temples. "Let me think... He said you're great players but you'll refuse all publicity. Also didn't care for the finale being a fight against a creature that's mostly underground. He suggested a sort of game show where you get a task and we watch you do it. One episode's an escape room challenge. One's a variation on the 3-beans quest. That sort of thing. Part entertainment, part tutorial. Showing people how top players work as a team, etc."

"And you'd be in different skins," says Isli. "Different voices, too, if you'd prefer."

Shrug sighs. "How is 3 beans more entertaining than showing the first players to complete an epic quest?" The question gets lost as the doors open and they walk out into a futuristic movie set - gleaming corridors, sci-fi control panels, huge, curving windows showing very serious people doing very complicated things.

"Talk to a lot of interns, do ya?" says Nicola, giving Thetan a sharp look.

He smiles. "Not without robust legal protection."

"What's this one's name? The one who knows so much about us."

Thetan arrives at a control panel and types in a code. "His name? Bob. I assume you know him. He's why we're here." He directs their attention to the floor - the room has a dozen slick VR pods and thick cables leading in all directions. "Don't trip on anything. We've got a lot of bored lawyers on payroll. You can't sue us for negligence if we're suing you for breaking our wires. Bob was the kid who made up that crazy storyline with the guns and the, what was it?, secret cult base at the north pole and the Scottish guy and the heist. It was pandemonium here," he says with a fond smile. "People scrambling about looking for who coded the gun, why the richest person in the game was an underground casino manager in Auster, why some things in the videos didn't match objective reality. Bob turned us all into internet detectives." He taps on a computer console and the pods light up. "I'm at Davos, we're supposed to be talking about climate change but the President of Argentina just wants to know if it's true we created the whole series as a publicity stunt. The Prime Minister of Estonia wants to meet Bob. I'm like, can we talk about water security? Also, I'm like, hello? I created a trillion dollar company from my garage. Don't you want to meet me?"

A black guy runs into the room, panting. "Please tell me you haven't gone in yet."

"Thomas! What the ship are you doing here?"

"Same thing you are, Conor. Project Sawyer. Who are these?"

"The one thing we know about Sawyer is that capacity is six, Thomas. We're full!"

The black guy's eyes sweep across the Swords, lingering on Nicola. He pauses, then bursts out laughing. "These are the VIPs? Conor, you've been had! They won't go in. They hate Bain!"

"All right, look," says Adam, hands up. "I think you should tell us what's going on and what you want from us."

Thetan explains that he's hired Bob (me, obvs) to build a proper theme park that TS can use to market the game but that no-one has seen it yet and I've said that the first people on the amazing new centerpiece have to be the Swords or the park will never open. The Swords express incredulity that Thetan can't access the dungeon, but he assures them the engine has, genuinely, locked him out and this is his chance to get in and he wouldn't have left Davos for anything else.

There's a little bit of bickering and rather a lot of character assassination, with my character the one on stage with dozens of laser dots swirling around my chest. Charles is the first to crack - he says he wants to see what I've done. Adam says they all go or none of them go. Charles pushes back saying not this time and steps into a VR pod. Isli says anyone who doesn't want to go in can get a hand-crafted sandwich in the canteen upstairs or watch the live feed on this monitor. Damian says if they're going to watch on the monitor they might as well be in the game, and steps into a pod. Adam and Ben say they'll stay out with Nicola, but after making Thetan swear on his life that I won't be in there, she suddenly caves and says she's going in.

Blah blah blah. Let's get to the good bit. You ready?

LOL

They're in the BetterVerse, having portaled right into the center of 386's desmense. The Swords are in generic 'guest' bodies. Thetan is, weirdly, in the body of a short, elderly woman with cotton-candy dracula hair. The others recognize her as a character from the movie Nerves of Steel. Thomas is an orc chieftain.

A full tour isn't on the agenda - today is all about the new ride. But there's enough time while walking to the front to look for clues about the nature of the new theme park. There's a logo with a D and a P smashed together.

"P is for park," says Damian.

"Brickhead Park," suggests Nicola. Everyone laughs, including my new boss. Bit harsh.

"Dungeon Park," says Charles. "And this ride is called Mana Mountain. I'm already enchanted."

They get to the little car that will take them around the ride. It's set onto a pair of steel tracks. Straight ahead is a large tunnel with lots of things to look at. Too many things, really; it means the ride can't be that fast. There are 6 spots in the car.

"Dungeon," says Thetan. "There are 7 of us. Please expand the vehicle if it is safe to do so."

There's a whoosh of light centered around the car and when it fades away... it's exactly the same but now there's a sort of sidecar attached to the back. It's hanging off by a wire and there's a helmet on the seat. "Thank you, dungeon."

"I'm not getting in there!" says Thomas, eyeing the tiny training wheels keeping the thing on the tracks. The dungeon instantly removes the aftercar. Thomas rethinks. "On second thoughts..."

So everyone's set and ready. Charles and Nicola are in the front row, Ben and Damian are next, followed by Thetan and Adam. Thomas is dangling behind, his huge head squashed into the helmet.

The car moves forward a little before coming to rest by a little podium. A human in a beige suit appears. Even though this is the first ever performance of this ride, he looks bored. "Welcome esteemed guests," he sighs. "Mana Mountain is an educational journey through the history of magic. For your safety, please hold on to the handgrip in front of you at all times. There will be a test at the end. Visitors who score highly will win a cute Lennie toy to take home."

Thetan squints at the beige man and says, "Detect Life." The man glows red. "He's not real. That is to say, not even an NPC."

The beige man looks irritated by this, but returns to his script. "This ride was designed and perfected by the greatest mind of his generation, the megagenius known as Bain, reformed leader of the outlaw group 'The Bainditos', star of the movie 'Bain's World', and co-writer of the song 'All You Need is Bain'. Pause for applause. Curious. Running sentiment test. Scanning guests. Scan inconclusive. Visual proof needed. Guests, raise your hands if you strongly approve or approve of Bain. Raise your hands if you think Bain is a berk."

Nothing for the first option, but everyone raises a hand for the second except Thomas, who is clinging onto his safety bar like it's the only thing between him and oblivion, even at zero miles per hour. Lights start flashing. A giant red crystal appears in front of the car. "Safety violation detected. Guests are required to maintain contact with the handgrip at all times. Guests are required to follow the instructions of ride personnel at all times. Beginning cancelation procedure." The crystal vanishes.

The car eases its way forward but before it reaches the tunnel it makes a sharp turn through a side door labeled 'Unruly Guest Exit'.

Charles turns and takes in as much of the tunnel display as he can. There are a lot of dioramas of lava and big crystals and what looks like an animatronic teacher with a stick pointing to some numbers on a chart.

"Well that was a bust," says Adam.

"What do you mean?" says Charles.

"All that stress for nothing."

"Nothing? I don't think you've been paying attention. Bain has an M.O."

"Whichever one of you is that guy is right," said Thomas, "That was a misdirect. This ride ain't over. We're going up."

clankclankclank goes the car, seemingly pulled higher by some straining mechanism. In fact it was mana pushing against anti-mana, and the clanks were added by 386, but that's not really important.

The car slows down as it approaches a sign saying 'Thank You For Riding Mana Mountain' and the darkness beside the sign opens up, showing that they are about to emerge from the hill. The riders can see Auster, my inn, their sawmill. The 'door' closes again, and now the ride stops.

I appear, dressed in full magician outfit. I'm rolling a deck of cards around my fingers.

"Detect life," says Thetan. I glow red.

"A little birdie tells me you don't like me much." The CGI rendition of me grins. "Ah, well. No hard feelings, eh?" I scratch my chin. "On the other hand, maybe you're one of the people who left hurtful comments on my videos. Maybe you watched them all but didn't like and subscribe. Actually, you know who the real villain is? It's YOU. Maybe someone should teach you a lesson. My friend Angus, he always says, don't get mad, get even madder. Advice to live by." Suddenly I flick out a hand and a card slams into the Mana Mountain sign. It explodes and implodes and now reads:

Bain's Revenge

The doorway opens and it's the same view but we're much, much higher up. The car edges forward until it's about to tip. The view below is quite intimidating - it looks like the track forms a near-vertical drop right into the hill below. Someone gasps. The car settles - it's found its balance. I wag my finger at them - no no no - and throw another card - it explodes against the back of the car causing it to jolt sideways, and then, horribly, forwards. The VIP guests start to plummet. There are screams. There's no way to survive this fall at this speed! It's just a game but try telling your brain that when it's in panic mode. Halfway down, the car whizzes round in a high G-force loop and we have a microsecond to realise that the track we see is not the track we are on.

But we can be fairly sure we're about to head into a round tunnel dug into the mouth of a giant letter O.

How do we know this? Because either side of the O is a letter L.

And that, my dudes, is the last LOL of the book. I hope it wasn't the only one.

Dungeon Park is open and thriving. 386 is doing great. We collaborated on some movies, but ThetanSoft have a proper team of theme park experts helping him out on that side of things. Lennie got over his pirate phase. He still loves to gamble. Konstantin is happy and earning a ton. He manages my inn as a side hustle. Luga made a packet dealing with all the deliveries from Ted Steel and starting a chicken burger franchise.

The Swords are fine. They're rich. What's the worst that could happen? Nicola is still single, as far as I know. Sometimes I wonder if... but no.

Me? Oh, nothing much. Got taken on full-time at ThetanSoft. Shot a couple of hit movies. Tried a 10-episode streaming experiment. That bombed. And yeah. Been asked to help out another dungeon. More than one, actually. Not 299, no. I have standards. But it's a curious little problem. A different spin on dungeon consultancy. Would it make a fitting sequel? No clue. Ask me in a few years.

This is 3B, signing off.

Peace.