PART TWENTY-SEVEN

MPD: 9000

The Death of Charles. The First

I watched, knuckles white, as Charles fought his way to the end of the passage. He easily defeated the tentacles and spiders and took very little damage from the spear traps. He got to the core chamber on probably 97% health, stood next to the glowing ruby, and turned around slowly.

386 zoomed in on Charles - his blonde hair curled like a masterpiece statue, sensual lips set a slight pout, muscular biceps ready and waiting for a test that would never come. I felt a crazy little moment of shame.

Charles looked back down the corridor and saw fifty tiles of failure. He was revising his opinion of me. When I said I'd come up with a good way to defend 386, I'd been bluffing. What else had I bragged about that I hadn't actually done? He stared into space, barely moving.

We waited so long I thought 386 had maybe paused or slowed the tape, but Charles stuck out his lower lip in a reluctant acceptance of the situation. He put his sword away and started to trudge back through the corridor.

I untensed. Clearly, Charles hadn't wanted to kill 386 - he'd only wanted to see my creation before it got wiped away. Lost in thought, he trod on a tentacle chunk and fell over. As he brought himself to his feet he noticed something on the wall. He frowned at it, poked it. Then he looked up and down the corridor's walls and ceilings with growing amazement. He carefully retraced his steps back to the core room and took out his sword. He poked the glowing red ruby.

The ruby turned to dust, which expanded into the shape of a laughing skull and then there was an awful, menacing click.

Charles, grinning, fell into a defensive stance and started back down the corridor towards the exit. The first tile sank below his foot and a huge mass of liquid poured from the ceiling onto him in an absolute torrent. He was drenched in the stuff.

By instinct he sniffed at it, but there were no smells in the BetterVerse. He heard another click and turned around.

"Oh, cheeses nice," he said. He tried to run but slipped on the slick oil.

Back and to the Left. Back and to the Left.

386 replayed the last ten seconds of Charles's life over and over again, from all kinds of angles, until I made him stop. I didn't need to 'be' the spear that was hacking away at his ribs, didn't need to see a counter keeping track of every broken bone, and the animated visualisations of what was happening to Charles's innards bordered on tasteless.

"The death trap works," I said. "I get it."

"Billy-Bob," he said, "I like doing the games and the gambling algorithms. I even had fun working out how to smooth the surface of Lair Hockey. I enjoy thinking that people are happy to come to my demesne. But this..." He let out a ghastly moan of pure bliss. "This is ugghhh..."

"Come on, man," I said.

386 made a noise like he was wiping the drool away from his mouth. Why would someone at ThetanSoft have programmed that? "And the extra mana will be nice for the party."

"Mana?"

"He was level 20," said 386. "I got 2000 mana for killing him."

That made me sit up straight. "Whoa!" I thought it through, then relaxed back into my chair. No wonder dungeons were so bloodthirsty. "Remember to thank him, I guess. Shame he won't be doing that again."

"Ahem," said 386.

On the screen he did one of those old-fashioned 5 to 1 countdowns, and then there was another video. It was Charles, back in the dungeon! "He's back already? Surely he didn't have enough minutes left."

"That's not Charles."

I peered closer and after a moment I realised it was Adam - his blonde hair wasn't quite so curly and he was beefier than Charles. Adam whizzed through the corridor, jabbed the fake core, then tried to escape. He died horribly.

Instead of showing me loads of replays, 386 fast-forwarded to ANOTHER Sword of the Scales running the gauntlet. Ben! I'm going to need to find a new way to say 'he, too, died' because reader, he died. Too.

And then Valentine and Damocles entered as a team, ran through to the fake core room and started back through the traps. "Stop," I said. "I don't want to see this one." 386 tactfully stopped the feed. "How far did they get?"

"Not awfully far. When Damocles saw how Valentine died, he ran back to the core room and waited there till his time was up."

"If they all came at once, would you survive?"

"I don't think so," said 386. "But I got over eight thousand mana from this." I felt him mentally waving at the screen. "So we can lengthen the run. Add more sections. A stronger golem. Can you get me some rare poisons?"

"Sure," I said, not really listening. "But why did they do this? What's in it for them?"

386 shrugged. If you think something that doesn't have shoulders can't shrug, you're wrong. "It's not a nice way to die and they all lost a level, except Damocles. Maybe they did it so I can put on a more dramatic party."

That made sense. Kind of. "Lost a level, did they? All right, let's do some more party planning. Make sure they didn't die in vain. How do you feel about Scottish indie singer-songwriters?"

Live. Die. Repeat.

While I was messing about with my new webcam and VIP streaming options, I got an email from Valentine asking how profitable their deaths had been. I replied 'think of a number and double it, as long as the final sum is your level times 100'.

They spent the next few days going into the dungeon at night trying to 'beat' it, and never getting very far.

'I've just seen last night's attempts', I wrote. 'We're getting vast amounts of mana from you. Amazing. But I feel bad, so here's a tip: He who laughs last, laughs loudest.'

Amazingly, they approached 386's traps with renewed gusto and tried to laugh away the danger whether they were being flamed, boiled, crushed, or hacked to bits. It didn't help one iota because the tip was meaningless.

Party Like You're Level 1999

By the time of the final party, our final login, Charles was down to level 13. Adam was 15, Ben and Valentine 16, and Damocles 18. They'd stopped suiciding themselves, some sooner than others. Charles was the most hard core - he kept going until the penultimate night. I asked 386 to put different traps closest to the fake dungeon core so that Charles would at least die in a different way every night. I'm thoughtful like that.

Side note: 386 refused to show me some of the traps in action. The raw footage, he declared, was 'too disturbing for human consumption' and that 'watching a couple of seconds of the original tape would shatter your mind'. I didn't fully believe him but I didn't want to press the issue.

A Life's Savings

With all the visitors we'd had over the weeks plus the outrageous infusion from the Suicide Squad, 386 had close to 50,000 mana to make something really epic for the big party. We went back and forth over the various options but in the end we settled on something basic but spectacular.

I Dreamed a Dream of The Bonny

I asked the Swords to log in at exactly 11:01 and wait for me because I wanted to see their reactions to my latest, and last, creation. As it happened, I logged in just before them; they all popped into existence at the fast-travel point at exactly the same moment, which I took to mean they were all in the same real-life room, never mind the same city. It was a tiny punch to the gut but I was trying not to think about Valentine as a romantic pursuit. Why would she want to keep in touch with me after the dungeon adventure was over? I vowed to enjoy the last hour as best I could and not get all crushed when she kissed her real crush on the stroke of midnight.

Is it worth mentioning that ThetanSoft had made a big deal of the whole 'kiss at midnight' thing? Probably not. Just imagine some tweets and gifs of couples about to kiss but never quite getting there with text along the lines of 'A Kiss Before Dying' and 'Last Chance Saloon' and stuff like that. It was panned all over the internet, but I think secretly a lot of people were into it.

Not me, obvs.

Obvs.

Anyway, we logged in and dashed towards the dungeon. We ignored the revellers in the full streets, smiled at my half-finished inn, and gave quarter-interested glances towards little pockets of fireworks in the distance.

At the entrance was a pretty substantial crowd of local NPCs who'd heard about the party and wanted to be part of it. They were being kept out by a fearsome bouncer - Lennie - and a formidable obstacle - a three-foot long velvet rope.

I pushed through the crowd and gave Lennie a special handshake. Turning to the crowd I shouted, "I declare the end of the world... open!" We unclipped the velvet rope and people started swarming in. A lot of the locals smiled at me, or gave me a little nod, or punched their friend in the arm and whispered "that's the magician!"

I kept the Swords back till last, so that the atmosphere inside could build. Every time there was a scream or shout Adam would try to push past me or Ben's eyebrows would shoot up. Finally I got word from 386 that Lennie was in place playing the music.

"Would you please follow me, please?"

I led them inside and turned backwards to enjoy their reaction.

What were they reacting to? Let's start by describing what they weren't seeing. They weren't seeing the dungeon as they'd ever seen it before. They weren't seeing claustrophobic ceilings, mana-infused walls, or floors with sluices to allow blood to drain away. They weren't even seeing the friendly, new theme park.

They'd stepped into a James Bond villain's hollowed-out volcano. A single chamber, enormously wide at the bottom and tapering slightly towards the ceiling, four stories deep, with a curving walkway spiralling around the edge.

As they walked along the spiral they paused to touch some of the dungeon games we'd placed around the spiral. They also paused to admire paintings and tapestries that told the story of 386 - tentacles fighting paladins, giant spiders holding webbed heroes up like fishermen with their record catch, a green dungeon core with graffitied horns, a hand-drawn mustache, and a goat's tail. The plaque underneath that one simply said '299'. I didn't bother explaining.

Valentine was delighted when she appeared in a solo picture near the end, while the very last piece was a ten-foot wide tapestry where everyone who had come to the final party was being magically added to the weave in the style of a school photo or pre-season sports team - the tallest at the back, those at the front kneeling down. All had their preferred names underneath, except Valentine, where it just said 'none of your business'. In addition to their names, regular guests were treated to a fun fact. Steffi's best time on Cannonball was 52 seconds. Jenny's top score on Spider Smash was 11. It was a great icebreaker.

I was in the front and center of the pic, labeled 'The Magician', which is NOT what 386 and I had agreed. Anyway, word had spread that somehow this was all my doing - this whole tamed dungeon thing AND the party - so I was dragged from group to group, gladhanding, pressing the flesh, making small talk. 386 was feeding me bits of info about the NPCs, not to creep them out but to make them feel special. I'd say things like 'someone over there was telling me you are a genius at making pork pies' and that kind of guff.

And there was music - the space was so vast that one performer wouldn't have been enough. So we had Lennie in one area, the bard in another, and we placed instruments around so that people could show off whatever talents they had.

But obviously we didn't just build a giant, empty room. In the middle, honestly bigger than your mind can conceive, was a bonfire.

386 and I had talked a lot and thought a lot about human customs and the one that spoke to me on the most primal level was the bonfire. So we didn't overthink it - just went with that. It didn't seem to cost 386 very much mana to carve out the rock, and then it was just a case of adding the wood in his storage to some mana-created beams. Prop them up against an invisible frame to make the bonfire look as big as it did, and voila. It was actually hollow and much of the fire effect would be provided by 'mana CGI' but people didn't need to know that.

The party was going so well that I actually logged out for ten minutes and slipped back in, unnoticed. I had a vague idea that I could bank that time and use it to quickly create my new character.

As the party was at its zenith, at about twenty to midnight, the fire was lit. (Early readers of this 'story' got stressed worrying that everyone at the party would die from carbon monoxide poisoning - 386 magicked the smoke away. Don't worry about it!) Up near the entrance, the traps began to fall apart. I encouraged the nearest guests to grab the wood and throw it onto the fire. Every minute the next trap or three would fall apart, so that people were sort of shepherded around the spiral towards the base of the bonfire. Even though they were all about to die the NPCs were still keen to collect coins as they spilled out of the pushers and bandits.

As the space around the base of the bonfire filled, as more people got closer together, the atmosphere turned melancholic, introspective, and then it burst through that into something like... sentimental togetherness. A kind of shared nostalgia for a future we could all imagine but wouldn't get to enjoy.

At four minutes to midnight, the last song started playing.

At two minutes to midnight, Charles and Valentine both came to me and asked why I'd done it like this. They looked so good together that I realised they would be doing the midnight kiss thing with each other. The knowledge helped me relax.

I put my finger up - all the musicians, including three dozen specially-summoned tentacle drummers, were playing The Bonny by Gerry Cinammon, the song 386 and I had chosen to die to (and hang the copyright lawyers). I pointed to the vast, sloping walls, where 386 was making the lyrics appear (with a ball bouncing on the words to help everyone learn the song), turning the whole cavern into the biggest ever karaoke bonfire.

I treated them to a rare public appearance of my singing voice:

"You can build the Bonny

I can tell by the look in your eye

For the people that you loved and lost

That you never got to tell goodbye

Believe and build your Bonny

Gonny never know unless you try

One life is a short time

And no one knows where you go when you die."

While the song continued without my help, Valentine and Charles each gave me a weird look. I felt a bit of second-hand cringe on their behalf but you know what? I'd probably never see them again. So I tried to find my own words. I had to almost shout over the noise of the party. "Fire is old. It's universal. You can show this scene to anyone from any corner of the world from any era and they'll understand it. I wanted to do something elegant and the highest form of elegance is simplicity. And a bonfire is so simple even I can understand it."

There was another cringe-filled silence then Charles said, "It's nearly time." I nodded and smiled. Like I didn't know that! But I wasn't on his wavelength. He blurted out, "Choose one of us to kiss."

I wasted many precious seconds trying to understand what was happening, and since my voice wasn't working properly I just sort of pointed at Valentine.

Charles rubbed his jaw, ruefully, and yelled, "It was worth a try. Maybe in the next life?" He winked at me as he went to the rest of his gang. They were all facing the bonfire, arms around each other's shoulders, singing 'believe and build your Bonny', looking up as the 40 meter flames licked against the roof of the cave.

"Cheeses nice," said a voice in my head. 386 with his new favorite curse. I blinked - I wasn't supposed to be taking it all in, I was supposed to be making a move - and locked eyes with Valentine. Her pupils were huge and she had a kind of hopeful look on her face that I'd never seen before, except maybe in some anime.

"Um," I said, clearing my throat, trying to think of what to say.

"Shut up and smooch!" roared 386.

I blinked again, smiled, and leant in. As the fire consumed everything that had once made up this theme park and the BetterVerse (presumably) began imploding, thousands of couples around the world had their first kiss, made sweeter knowing it would also be their last kiss.

The Kiss in Detail

My kissing technique is really none of your business but EVERYONE who read the first draft demanded I include a description of the kiss. So here it is, you absolute ghouls:

I wasn't sure how Valentine wanted to be kissed and I didn't have time to make her fill out a questionnaire. So what I did was I imagined she was a juicy bone and I was a happy, floppy-eared dog, and I sort of went after her lips, mouth, and chin with that in mind. It was all very wet, very noisy, very enthusiastic.

When I pulled myself away there was a big suction-squelch noise like when you take a toy Garfield down from a car window.

Happy now?

After the Kiss

She peeled herself away from me, but not very far. She gave me that strange look again. Maybe I should buy a dictionary of facial expressions because I keep seeing ones I don't understand. "Why are we still here?" she said.

"Maybe they dropped nukes on the big cities and it takes time for the fire to spread."

"We're in a big city," she said.

"I like that your response to me kissing you is to offer a geography lesson."

She blushed and draped her arms around my shoulders. "Do that again but MORE SLOBBERY," she demanded. We stayed like that until she got zapped away at one minute past midnight. I still had about 8 minutes in the bank.

12:01

The humans got portalled away. The NPCs kept holding each other, singing, dancing, whatever. I could barely process my own thoughts. I suppose I was... happy? My heart was POUNDING.

12:02

I finally realised that 386 was trying to talk to me. I sort of snapped back into my body and I realised that the bonfire was burning half as strong and the NPCs were sort of milling around, a bit confused.

"386," I said. "What's going on? Why are we still here?"

"The end of the world," he said, grandiloquently, "has been postponed. Indefinitely."

"What?"

He told me what he'd heard directly from the Engine and what was buzzing around the dungeon grapevine. My head began to swim. It was nuts. I started to realise that if what he was saying was true, I... I...

Again, I realised that 386 was talking to me - I was hearing him as though from a great distance. I got it together in time to hear him say, "Could you ask all these people to leave? I need to get my traps back in place. I have a feeling the next few weeks are going to be mayhem."