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##RE:I’m sorry.

LUMqy3hgM33sAyxjm327qSx18kip1+cKNAzXNhG+wrjPHAACAnDpNvJONIMhLfX+L59XoF4b6d1hsKKAXNcw9Pmu09czHEzBLqYSd3KLC06rJIv2SEBn8a/Ekt0xESnct0a+E1aFlap//Avibc3wq3cmmFCp+XYfJzleASKHLlvKgN6/SBlmdPlPfDDsRvsx/rZZILbXp5r6Xf8SbJv5VCp1JE6911LL++9rXUotRP9Qu5rR/d5HS8DkUyDfqqd/PwpyAYklw48YZ2Vgc6nXT7YE0pgmIMil6jvb3mJDH2r7CQIpJ+hpYUVmOocFpYHvYDpohZI3KyvYdizwdFlaRQ==

ENMSG>>

First memory.

Heat. Energy. Movement.

Second Memory.

Change. Noises. Growth. Soothing. Comfort.

Third Memory.

Strength. Anxiety. Excitement. TENSE.

Fourth Memory.

Panic. Calm. Panic. Calm. Pressure. PRESSURE. PRESSURE. PANIC. FEAR. PAIN. COLD. BRIGHT. LOUD. NOISE! HURT. UNKNOWN. SMELLS? SIGHTS?

HELP.

FEAR.

HELP.

FEAR.

HELP…

NOISES? FAMILIAR? WArmth?...Familiar! Warmth.

Noise. Comfort. Hunger. Taste.

Voice. Familiar. Soothing. Taste. Comfort. Feeling. Soothing. Sleepy…

Fifth Memory

Awake. Cold. Different.

Different!

Fear!

FEAR!

PANIC. NOISE! NOISE!

Soothing. Noise. Soft. Safe. Comfort. Warm. Different…But safe.

Day 1

“What the fuck is going on...”

I cursed for the millionth time, struggling to catch my breath hyperventilating, frantically dragging an overturned hospital bed.

Distant, faint screams mixed with other chaotic noises that echoed down the hallway.

Every now and then, truly disturbing growling and guttural noises tittered against the thickset hospital door that was closed, as I completed the…shoddy barricade.

It was the best I could do at this point.

“Marri, I know this is a dumb question but how you both doing honey?”

I looked over at my wife and my less than 2 hour old son.

White as a sheet with exhaustion and fear, she just looked at me and nodded quickly.

I rushed over and wrapped my arm around her and gave her a gentle head nudge on her forehead.

I could feel her shivering out of fear but I couldn’t tell if I was shaking more.

“Okay good, good. Listen I’m so fucking proud of you ya know?”

I tried my best to comfort in a hushed voice.

“You are incredible. Really, really amazing. I’m going to do whatever it takes alright? Whatever it takes! I’m going to get you and Lone out of here and I swear I’ll protect you both. No matter what. We can do this. After all, we’ve got this amazing little guy that will look out for us as well yeah? Heh look how tough he is, hasn’t even cried once whilst there’s us two shaking like a bunch of pansies eh? ”

I was absolutely scared shitless but pretending to be brave and talking bollocks made me feel better.

A little bit.

“Ye-yeah Godu I know, I know. I’m just really scared…and I’m so damned tired..I’m not sure if I can even sleep. I feel so numb and I’m so goddamned scared but tired…but I can’t sleep! and!-” She was starting to ramble and rock back and forth, the pre-manic buildup.

It gave me a sickening feeling of cold. I really needed her to stay strong, I also needed support right now but I understood how impossibly stressed she must have felt and how tired she must feel. It was a testament to how insanely tough mothers were.

Knowing the history of mankind, this probably wasn’t the first time someone gave birth during the start of a war…or attack, or whatever the hell this was.

“Hey hey HEY! Honey it’s okay” I interrupted her and pulled her tighter and kissed her head. Holding her closely and gently swaying with her. She went quiet.

“We’re going to be alright…we’re going to be alright…we’re going to be alright” I repeated over and over trying to soothe her.

After half an hour or so, she fell asleep nursing the boy.

Exhaustion having a big part to play in her pretty much passing out.

I slipped away from the bed doing my best not to disturb them and tucked a couple of pillows on either side of her arms to keep her comfy and safe.

Sagging down into the green hospital armchair next to the bed, I tried to unpack what had just happened in the last 2–3 hours.

I let out a sigh and massarged my temples, hoping for a sliver of relaxation or peace, hell the last 18 hours had been painful enough….

We’d made our way to the hospital at about 2am in the morning, when Marri, my wife, had her typical “oh shit this is really happening” moment I’m sure all first time mothers have when the waters broke.

Although the movies always make births look so frantic and action packed, they are actually more prolonged, endurance based. With plenty of warning and lots of time to build up to the main part.

Most of it was a blur but I remembered the midwife struggling to spell my name - “Yes it’s spelt G-o-d-u-y-n-e pronounced God-une. but you can call me Godu…pronounced God-du. Either’s fine.Ha-ha oh my surnames even better, yes that’s S-l-a-e-y-r-u..pronounced Sleigh-ru.”

“And my wife is Marrigan. Yes, same surname.”

Yup strange name but I had strange parents.

So we hunker down and 16 hours pass in a blur of cursing and grunting and oooooooooo-ing, lots of breathing techniques…then comes the big moment and we’re pushing and pushing and I’ll be fucked if I’m going down the business end, I stayed up behind the nice curtain holding her hand as she’s pushing and pushing and it’s the last stretch and then…

”it’s a boy!!! congratulationnnnnnnnnnnsssssaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAARRRGHGHH!”

The doctor, she was holding my boy, umbilical cord still attached, when suddenly the power went out and emergency lights came on.

I think…there was some kind of wave of pain or what felt like a wave of a thousand ice cold pins sticking in me or was that my imagination?

Well what wasn’t my imagination was one of the two nurses, or midwifes I don’t really know! Fuck! - disintegrating in front of us!

Fuck!

It was like she was made of flesh one minute then the next, kinetic sand and she just dropped - clothes and all. Then we hear gutteral roars and a uninvited guest doctor ran through our room and pissing dive bombed through the window!....oh fuck. I forgot to check the window.

Quickly shifting out of my armchair I moved over to the doctor's chosen exit strategy and very carefully I peeled the curtain to the side and looked out and down. It was dark but the moon was insanely bright.

Careful to not slice my neck on any sharp bits of glass remaining, my hands were trembling and my breathing threatened to hyperventilate again yet morbid curiosity compelled me to find the fate of Dr Diver, “JumperOfWindows”.

First of his name.

Honestly my mind was excellent at vile and completely juvenile thoughts sometimes

Welp. There was no corpse. Just a grim splatter mark and…blood streaking away? We were 3 floors up but perhaps the guy survived and dragged himself-

“SCREEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIICHHHTTTTTTT-RRRRROOOWWWWWwwww…”

A demonic screech echoed outside.

No thanks.I’m good.

I think I’ll go back to the armchair for now and process all that - whatever just happened - later.

Okay curtain closed. I’ll just return to my seat.

I sat listening in silence, gently rocking, twitching at every creak or bang.

Every now and then, a blood curdling grotesque scream or wail could be heard, muffled through the door and walls.

Initially I thought that maybe the power going out was causing people pain, since it was a hospital…but these noises just felt wrong.

Like when you are a child and you see or hear your parents crying for the first time, it fills you with that grim, cold, sickly feeling as your innocence about the world is torn away from you.

Okay let’s think, let’s think…after the Doctor…oh! the remaining nurse or midwife that was still in the room holding my just born child, damn she must have ovaries of steel because after standing there in shock at what just happened, something in her just clicked and she put on the most determined face and went into absolute super hero mode.

Seriously I already knew the NHS was full of angels and saints but she was up there with the toughest.

She had been wearing a faceguard, but I remember she was small, thin, had olive skin with steel blue eyes, dark sandy blonde hair tied up and she looked mid thirties. She looked possibly Arabic or Syrian but one of her parents were most probably caucassian, British, due to her extremely well spoken English.

With godlike efficiency, she cut the cord, did the prechecks, wrapped up little Lone and got him nursing and then proceeded to help finish the birthing of the placenta and clean up.

There were some very disturbing noises coming from around the hospital and outside and the lack of anything electrical working definitely made us all shitscared but we’d somehow gotten through it, honestly don’t know how.

Looking back I don’t even recall what Marri was saying, or even the Midwife, but I think we were all in some sort of shellshock or maybe our instincts took over and we just grunted and cursed orders and information at each other.

Then we made sure Marri was settled in the bed with Lone whilst me and the Midwife left to see what was going on.

I must have been suffering from some kind of shock because I don’t remember much about what happened next…

Shit.

Not a good sign.

I remember following the Midwife for a bit before we went past the kitchen and thinking when we return I’ll bring some provisions and water for my wife.

Then…we…heard some screeching and extremely violent roars, shouting, growls and crying, wailing…then a blank spot…but I was sprinting….running back and…then I’m grabbing an office paper recycling bin and threw in whatever I could find from the kitchen and started frantically searching for the room where my wife and son were…I had seen something really messed up.

Oh god no I remember it was blood.

There were extreme amounts of blood streaked along the walls. The midwife had gone through some double doors and then I’d seen the red with bodies on the floor and I immediately gave in to deep instincts that screamed at me:

RUN.

RUN BACK TO YOUR FAMILY.

And then that brought me back here and prompted me to barricade.

I started to break down, crying and silently sobbing from the stress and fear.

Shit I can’t lose myself, come on! Your mind is stronger than this!

The emergency lights started to fade out.

FUCK! FUCK! NONONO!

I could feel panic rising.

Too much adrenaline was overloading my system.

No further information was inducing pure fear as my hindbrain tried to make sense of this insane situation with too little information to go on.

Why was there blood on the walls?

Why were there all these grotesque screams and noises?

Where did the body go from the doctor and what the fuck was that noise I’d heard outside?!

Where are the police or Doctors??!

I drew in a deep breath and looked over at my family.

OKAY. Focus on them.

My Family. That you need to look out for and they will look out for you.

That was really helping calm me down, even if the fear was still there, sending ice cold blood through my veins..

At least the panic can be managed since I can see my family safe in front of me.

I took a few moments to clear my mind and steady my breathing.

All right. Let's think like a modern human and not a caveman for a second.

Could this be an attack or crazy person on the loose?

Probably not since the doctor jumped out the window..

It could be terrorism or with some kind of pathogen?

But I’m fine and so was Marri and the midwife...

It could be a war and this is a new weapon…

That would be shit.

Jeezus it better not be fucking zombies or some Raincoat Corporation secret virus that escaped from a lab.

If only I could access the internet or a phone to see what the shit was going on.

Dammit, my mobile phone simply could not be found anywhere which was extremely terrifying in itself, I felt naked without it!

It was 2022 and who doesn’t have their smartphone at least within 3 ft of them at all times?

So I can’t call for help using the phones and there’s now no more light in the building and I’ll be damned if I’m leaving those two here on their own..

I heard Lone mewling and yawning.

Then a joint big sigh from Marri and him, as they shifted to get comfortable and continued sleeping whilst he nursed.

Right then. Caveman mode it is.

Reinforce the cave, find weapons, find food.

Protect my team.

That sight and noise was all I needed for my brain to start thinking less polite Systems Engineer "Hello how can I help?" and more:

"Hello, I will rip out anything's throat that dares to threaten my safety or family."

If I have to be violent then fuck it and fuck the consequences. Surely the police would accept my actions were acceptable?

My mind and body gave a unanimous thumbs up of approval “who cares what happens to you as long as they are okay” as I got a prickly rush of frisson run over my body.

Yes that's goddamn right brain. Hell yeah.

I felt confidence levels rising, as I started to shift my thinking and coming up with scenarios where I would beat down any aggressors.

And of course, with that overly confident feeling, the universe responded with a test.

BANG.

I nearly yelped but managed to swallow it with a quiet whine.

Something bashed into the door and let out a sickening wheeze and chatter that sounded like teeth clattering and clicking.

SCRAPE.

CLIKCLIKCLIKCLAKCLAKCLAK-WHEEEZE.

Nonono please no.

SCREEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee…

What the fuck is that!

I dropped to the floor, all of that confidence gone, replaced with pure fear yet I forced myself to scramble over to the barricade.

Whimpering and trembling, I went over and pushed against it with everything I had, hoping and praying that whatever the fuck was out there would give up and move on.

The door itself was shut and the handle hadn’t been touched…but there wasn’t any way to lock it without a key. It would only take someone..

A faint scream…oh god they are asking for help.

A brief period of silence and then I heard rapid tiptaps with the clikclak noise moving away.

I silently cried in relief whilst at the same time hated myself for not having the courage to grab a weapon and be prepared to fight.

WHY AM I SO WEAK! STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY!

I glanced over solemnly at my wife and child with tears streaming down my face.

How could I let fear get to me when my two beloved were in their most vulnerable state. I needed to be better, be braver and most importantly I needed to start being stronger.

They were both asleep which was such a relief, so I laid down in front of the barricade trying so hard to not let my weeping become loud enough to wake them.

I guess for now until I regained composure, I could at the very least, use my body to help reinforce the door barricade.

In the back of my mind I knew that I was on the verge of having a complete breakdown so I should probably cut myself some slack..the human mind could only tolerate so much.

And all of the recent events were just too disorientating and terrifying.

Well…for now…just stay silent and block the entrance…just for now…for their sake..

Just…. a few…more…minutes….

…

..

.