《The Bartender at the End of the Universe》Ch 20: Failures Abound
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Bakade dangled over the edge with her hand managing to resist being pulled out of the ground by the torrential waters. It was their single lifeline as Sid dangled in her other hand. She grunted as she struggled to lift Sid up, but she stopped as Sid grabbed ahold of her arm. The silver man turned up to look at Bakade, and held up a single finger. She paused as Sid looked back beneath the edge of the world they were on. But, as she was waiting on whatever Sid was doing, her hand moved just slightly out of the ground. There was no more time for hesitation. She let out a primal roar as she twisted her body to throw her fist holding Sid up over the edge. Then, using his weight, pulled the rest of herself up with him. Sid was still too weak to stand, and so she picked him up, and placed him on her bony shoulder.
"It is not...not..." Sid tried to speak, but mostly ended up coughing up water.
"Ssseeeeennnnnttteeeennnnzzzaaa," she snarled like a cornered beast. "hhhhheeeee bbbeeeeetttrrraaaayyyyeedddd uuuussssss."
"We do..." Sid coughed up more as the uncomfortable ride was compressing his stomach into his lungs. "We do not know his reasons."
"Hhhhhhheeeeeeee sssshhhhhhooooottttttt yyyyyyooooouuuuuu!" howled Bakade as she bounded Sid on her shoulder.
"There are many...reasons to shoot someone..." coughed Sid. "Plenty of them are good ones..."
"Wwwwwaaaasssss tttthhhiiiiiisssss ooooonnnnneeeee?" she snapped.
Sid shook his head as he stated, "Without knowing his thoughts...I cannot say one way or the other."
"Mmmmaaaakkkkeee aaaaa ggggguuuuuuueeeesssss."
"Without all of the....information, anything I say would be...pointless speculation. Without being able to..."
Bakade roared angrily as she punched a tree. With a huff, she set Sid down against it.
The AI let out a groan as his body struggled to heal itself. "I need...nutrients to properly...initiate..." Sid's eyes started to blink closed. "Ahh, it seems I am...shutting down..."
As his eyes closed, Bakade grabbed his face with her hand. She turned it back and forth, but it was clear he was still breathing. Although, it seemed like he was struggling. She pulled him deeper into the darkness of the woods and covered him with a few pine branches. The flames in her eye sockets roared up growing even taller than her antlers as she turned back towards The Oasis. Raw anger practically flowed off of her as she stormed away.
"Should I ask?"
Death looked up at Trizel as the skeleton just shook his head. Ted was crouched on the ground with his head in his knees while Death patted his back. Trizel seemed to have walked into the kitchen at a very inopportune time.
It's been pretty eventful man.
Trizel nodded. "Is Ted alright?" He set the barrel he was carrying off to the side and bent over to try and look at Ted as he asked, "Are you alright, Ted?"
Ted threw his head back and let out a groan. "Why couldn't I have payed more attention?" Ted was so frustrated, but mostly with himself.
Trizel looked at the stove, and there was brown goop covering the outside of a pot with the strong smell of old bread clinging in the air. "You seem to have been busy."
Oh man, you missed it Trizel. This was supposed to be a pretty easy thing, but wow! When things went wrong, boy did they slide down further and further towards a disaster as time went on.
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"I am sorry? What are you talking about?"
Ted let out a sigh and shook his head. He felt so bad. This was an opportunity for something familiar, and better for everyone, and he wasted it. "Let me start at the beginning. See, Nugget somehow got her hands on the stuff to make beer. I figured I might as well get started on it, and I kind of got ahead of myself. I threw it all together, and even got the temperature and everything right, but when we poked a hole in the barrel to let it drain out, I realized my mistake."
It was all pssh psshh psshh, and then pppppffftt. Death flashed his hands open with each psshh, and then closed them both into fists with his pppppffftt.
"I am sorry, did you think that was intelligible at all? You just made strange noises." sighed Trizel.
But that's exactly what happened bro! It was all pssh...
"Saying it again will not help!" interrupted Trizel.
Uh, I used my hands to help demonstrate too! Weren't you paying attention?
"Ted, could you just..." Trizel rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Translate or something?"
Good thing he's cut like a slab of steel, because that guy's not to bright, is he? Death leaned over and held a hand over his mouth, as if to whisper to Ted. The problem, of course, was that he had no vocal cords and his voice simply strolled into people's heads, as if he was inside them. This made his gesture useless as both Ted and Trizel heard him clear as day.
Trizel grit his teeth. "You do know that skeletons are one of the easier undead to shatter, correct?"
"Okay, stop right there guys." sighed Ted. "This is my fault. Don't take things out on each other."
"Then explain, before this sack of bones crosses the line any further."
Hey man, I know you can't see it, but I'm like rolling my eyes. I only got beaten by a technicality in my world. You had some kids stroll up and kick your butt around your throne room.
Before Trizel could say anything, Ted tried to explain. "The grains I had were already milled, so they were all smaller than normal. Which is good, because it's like getting it ready to be broken down easier. I just didn't use any sort of bag to hold it all or mix in any rice hulls. So, when it came time to start draining the water the grains had been soaking in, nothing came out. It started in a few spurts of water, but quickly got clogged by the grains. We had to mix and stir like crazy. Death even held a strainer where it was draining out, but I just couldn't keep the grain from flowing out, and struggled to get much of the wort at all out."
Death nodded as he crossed his arms over his Bad to the Bone shirt. We were bending this way and that and working from the floor to the ceiling, so I put these pants on. Figured I needed to protect my modesty.
Ted sighed. "Aren't you a skeleton?"
"Yes," agreed Trizel. "What is there to hide?"
How can you do me like that bros? I've got such a picturesque figure.
"I remember you left, but I guess I didn't notice the pants." Ted hadn't realized it, but Death's outburst had distracted him from how frustrated he was with himself, at least momentarily. "Actually. How are you even wearing those? Shouldn't they just slip off?"
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"Yes," nodded Trizel as he took the opportunity to mock Death. "With no muscles or skin to speak of you should need something to hold it up. Otherwise, gravity would send them down around your bony ankles."
Death wagged his finger. Tsk Tsk Tsk. Then he lifted up his shirt. Ted instinctively brought his hand up to cover his eyes. Come on, it's just us bros here. No need to be shy my man.
Ted realized it was kind of silly, but it wasn't really something you think about. As he lowered it, he saw the obvious answer of how Death had kept his pants up. He had tightened the drawstring around his spine. It was wrapped around a ridiculous number of times to be able to stay up, but he had managed it. The pants must have also been a few sizes too big, as they still reached to below his knees.
Death made a finger gun and nestled it against his chin as he posed. Huhuhuhu. Pretty smart, I know. But that's the kind of creative problem solving you get when I really cut loose.
"I believe your idiocy is getting us distracted here. I feel like Ted's story was only half finished."
Idiot? Why I think you mean, numbskull! Eh? Eh?
Ted and Trizel sat in silence as they both stared at Death.
Yes, killed it.
Death fist pumped while Ted got back on track. "Anyway, yeah. Long story short. I messed up, so the grain couldn't be completely kept out, and that made it boil over while we had it cooking on the stove and were trying to sort through the leftover stuff in the barrel. We have it all cooled now, but we've put it through cheesecloth, and strainers four times, but there's still chunks of grain in it. I don't even know if I should try and finish it." Ted put his head in his hand again, and Death walked over to pat him on the back.
"You know what I think?" Trizel took in a deep breath and looked around. "It certainly smells enough like beer in here. So it is a little chunky. What do you have to lose from finish it? If it is no good, we will just give it to that blackmailer as part of our payments. Although it sounds as if you two were making quite the ruckus in here. It is odd that I did not hear anything."
Maybe you were too distracted grabbing the keg? Or like that creepy basement muffles sound or something?
"I suppose that could make sense. Though I swear I could hear Bakade and Sentenza out practicing their shooting skills again."
"They were practicing again? When?"
We were probably too focused on the whole mess in here to hear much of anything bro. Besides! Trizel's got a good point. You may as well follow through. We don't want all that stuff we did to be for nothing, right?
Ted Sighed. "Alright, let's get some yeast in there and put this thing through the time machine."
Trizel let out a joyful chuckle as he slapped Ted on the back, which made him tumble forward. "Now that is more like it! Melancholy does not suit you Ted."
Heck yeah, let's go!!!!
Ted rolled up his sleeves as he was filled with determination. "Alright! With the three of us here, I'm sure we can salvage something from all of this!"
Sentenza's legs were shaking. "Come on, get ahold of yourself," he tried to psyche himself up as he stared at the stairs descending down into the basement.
"Wwwwhhhhhhyyyyyy?"
Bakade's voice nearly made Sentenza leap out of his skin. When he turned and saw it was her, he clutched his heart and shook his head as he let out a deep breath. "Geez girl. You almost gave me a heart attack."
Bakade rushed forward as she slashed with her claw. Sentenza slipped back, but barely managed to avoid it.
"Well look what you've gone and done." scolded Sentenza. "You've cut right through my favorite jacket."
"Sssssiiiiiiddddd. Wwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyy?" Her words cut like falling icicles.
Sentenza's face immediately turned stern. "What about him?"
"Yyyoooouuu ssshhhhooottttt hhhhhiiiimmmm!" she snapped at him as her flames licked at the ceiling far above them.
Sentenza laughed. As she glowered at him, he pulled out a cigarillo and set it in his mouth. Next came the match that he struck against the bottom of his foot. Bakade just watched as he slowly lit up his nicotine before he flicked the cigarette away. He stared at her as calmly as he would any other day.
"Oh? Are you upset about that?"
She lunged for him again, but only caught his coat. "Yyyyoooouuuu bbeeeeeettttrrraaaayyyeeeeedddd uuuussssss!!!!!" she cried. Her voice was like a wounded animal, crying out in pain and confusion. Still, Sentenza's face stayed calm.
"Don't be stupid Bakade." He shook his head as he looked down at his shredded coat. "I thought I taught you better than to pick a fight you couldn't win."
"Tteeellllll mmmeeeeee wwwwwhhhhhyyyyy!!!" she cried as she stared at him with his claws swaying ever so slightly.
"Why? What a dumb question. Because I could, and I'll do the same to any of the rest of you who try and look too close into my business." He pulled out one of his pistols and spun the cylinder around. Then he looked at Bakade with the eyes of a hardened killer. "I've killed for less girl."
"Ppppllleeeeaaasssseee," she said as she clutched her chest. "jjuuuuusssttt tteellll mmmmeeeee ttthhhheee rrreeeaaassssooonnn."
Sentenza tilted the brim of his hat up with the barrel of his pistol as he got into a wider stance and stared straight at Bakade. "Men that push me tend to end up dead. Heck, a man heard the same rumor I did about some gold, so I snuck into his room that night and emptied six shots into his chest. I don't gamble Bakade. I play to win. To do that you have to eliminate risks. The less risks you leave on the table the better your odds."
"Hhheeee waaasss jjjuuusssttt aaa rrriiissskkk? Sssoooo yyyyooouuuu sssshhooott hiimm?" Bakade sounded more surprised than anything else.
"Drop it." Sentenza snarled curtly.
"Wwwwillll yyyyoooouuuu ssshhhooootttt mmmeeee ttoooo ttthhheeennnn?" a drop of moisture somehow survived the flames and dripped from the eye socket of her skull before it fell to the ground.
Sentenza stared straight at her. "I was born a killer. I made my living as a killer. Lawmen, bandits, women, children, it was and still is all the same to me. I will kill whoever I'm paid to, and whoever I need to. Heck, I'll even kill a few people here and there just for fun." He paused a moment as he trained his gun at Bakade's skull and then moved it down to point at her heart. "But you...yes. Keep pushing me, and I'll put you down too."
Bakade let out a pained roar. She was shaking as she stared pitifully at Sentenza. "Tthhhaatttss nnootttt aalll yoouuu aaarre. Yyoo've beeccoommee soo muuchh mooorree. Doon't thhrroooooww aaalll ooofff tthhiiiss awaaayyy."
BANG!
Sentenza fired at her, hitting her antler, which sent a chunk flying off. He had no emotion on his face except for irritation. "That's your last warning girl. This won't be like the last time. You don't have any room to run, or any trees to hide behind in here. If you don't drop this nonsense, I will sate that hunger of yours with a belly full of lead."
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