《The Bartender at the End of the Universe》Ch 5: Guts and Bolts in a Thunderstorm

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Ted, Sentenza, and Trizel were sitting around the table. All three of their faces were red, and they were sweating. Trizel slammed his fist against the table a couple times as he clearly struggled in place. Sentenza had a blank expression on his face, but his hands were shaking as he hid them on his lap under the table. Ted, well, Ted was holding on by just a thread. Then, behind them an inquisitive "Bakaw?" from Nugget snapped that fragile thread. Ted let out a howl of pain and rushed away from the table.

"Yes! I win!" cried Trizel, before his eyes got wide and he stood up so abruptly that he knocked the table over and ran after Ted.

Sentenza slowly stood up and wiped himself off. With a casual tip of his hat towards Nugget, he said, "Ma'am," although his voice was quiet and raspy. It sounded like he had just finished a night as the lead singer of a Norwegian Black Metal band. A tear dropped from his eye as he strolled towards the kitchen, where Ted and Trizel had ran.

It was quite the scene. Trizel had a barrel of water lifted up and was currently trying to drink the entire thing. Though, in his haste he was spilling more of it on his clothes than he was getting in his mouth. While Ted had stuck his head into the freezer. Sentenza made his way past the giant man and tapped the innkeeper's shoulder before opening the freezer door. Ted's head was immersed in a barrel of frozen flour balls. Instead of moving his head, Sentenza reached past him and to grab the ice cube tray. He calmly pulled it out and then took four that he threw straight into his mouth. Then he made sure to fill the missing spots with more water and set the tray back in the freezer before he left the room to go outside the building. Once out he took off his hat and fanned his face with it.

After about an hour they had all finally calmed down. Now the three of them were lying on blankets on the gravel outside and staring up at the silent lightning storm overhead.

"Alright, so Ted is the one who lost. We all agree on this, correct?"

Ted sighed. "Yeah, I called it quits first for sure."

"I remember a certain fella running pretty quickly out of the room. Could be he got to the water before Ted."

Trizel scowled. "No way. The agreement was whoever broke first, and Ted clearly broke before I did. My superior speed and reflexes should not be used to punish me."

"Well, all I know is that I definitely did not lose." smirked Sentenza as a particularly long streak of lightning illuminated the sky.

"I got up from the table first," sighed Ted. "I gave in first."

The three of them lied in silence for a moment as they just let the spectacle above them play out.

"Well, we can all agree that the spicy rum of yours was way too spicy. Less of a kick, and you'd have something, because of the sweetness, but as it is...well, it's just a way to torture folks."

"It is a grand test of fortitude! I have never had such trouble enduring pain before, but that one just grew and grew the longer it sat."

"Guys?" asked Ted.

"Yes?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever used to do this? Just relax and watch a thunderstorm?"

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Trizel scrunched up his face as he thought about it. "No. There was always so much that had to be done. So much I needed to do to realize my goals. Some bouts of training, a land to conquer, a rebellion to put down. There was always more work that needed done."

"And you Sentenza?"

Sentenza had his hat resting on his stomach as he lied on the ground next to them. He looked over at Ted for a second before looking back up at the sky. "Once or twice. When I was younger and out with my father's gang. Some nights waiting for them to get back, it'd get real quiet. I'd move my bed out under the stars some nights, but a couple had some thunderstorms like this. Though they were a lot louder. I think I prefer that though. Like the angels were in a gunfight up there. Aiming each shot carefully, then letting it rip. Made a fella feel small to see all that." Sentenza sniffed and wiped his arm across his nose. "What about you Ted? You ever stare at a thunderstorm?"

"I..." Ted closed his eyes and thought back. "Once. They didn't happen all the time where I lived, and I didn't pay the most attention to the weather. But I remember lying out on the roof. I just...I needed to get away from my family. It was cold though. I had kind of left in a rush, so I was outside in just a t-shirt and shorts. I think I was hoping for an escape or something, but nothing came. All while this giant storm played out above me. Like you said Sentenza, it made me feel small, insignificant. Like if I was gone, would my family care, would the world care? In the grand scheme of things, what difference does one life make?"

"Actually, a single variable can make a huge difference. It just matters if the right variable is in the right place at the right time." said a new, monotone voice.

The three of them sat up and turned around towards the voice in a flash. With Sentenza somehow slipping his hat onto his head as he pulled out his two revolvers and aimed them at the newcomer.

"When did you get here?" asked Ted as he took stock of the newcomer.

He was strange, all things considered. With shiny silver skin and a plain looking, pale face that looked like it had all of its rough edges sanded off before being stretched over someone else's head. With unnerving, glowing red eyes illuminating the eye sockets. There was also a complete lack of hair, which was odd in present company even without the lack of eyebrows. The oddest part was that from his elbow to his fingertips on his left arm, it looked like someone had melted off all his skin and left just a skeleton with some extra rods for structure throughout. All of it the same silver color as the rest of his skin.

"I arrived one-hundred and seventy-two point eight seconds ago as of the end of this sentence." came his matter-of-fact reply.

"And what exactly happened there?" asked Sentenza as he motioned his gun towards the robot's arm.

He lifted his arm in front of his face and seemed to study it for a moment. "It seems I am having issues accessing parts of my recent memory."

"Let me guess," sighed Ted. "Something to do with kids stopping and maybe even killing you?"

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"Oddly probable." he mused. "Ah, but I forgot regular customs. I am Synthetic Intelligence Drone, but you may call me Sid."

"I think the real question we're wondering," said Sentenza before he cleared his throat and pulled the hammer's back on both of his guns. "Is not who you are, but what you are."

"A reasonable query." Sid had changed up his voice, adding in new tones as if trying to imitate regular human speech, but somehow sounding even more robotic in the process. "I am a machine, but for all intents and purposes it seems I am...human." It seemed a light had gone off in Sid's mind as he nodded. "Ah, I believe I understand how I ended up here now. Or, that is to say, the sequence of events that led to my downfall."

Sentenza pointed one of his guns away from Sid and into the air as he kept a curious eye on him. "Seems we've all met an unfortunate fate. So, before you go and explain your sob story why don't you go and give me a reason why I shouldn't blow your brains out right here?"

"You hold two 1873 production forty-five colt single action army revolvers, nicknamed 'peacemaker' due to its threatening presence. A single bullet is unlikely to cause enough damage to even slow my processes, and unless you aim for precise location in my vital storage banks, even twelve shots is unlikely to be enough to stop me before my self-preservation kicks in and I snap your fragile neck."

Sentenze smiled. "Seem awfully confident for such a shiny fella. You're so clean it's like you've never even left your momma's crib. So, unless you have another reason I shouldn't put you down as a threat, I think I'll take my chances."

Trizel cracked his knuckles as he felt the urge to throw his metaphorical hat in the ring. "I am the strongest human you will ever meet. I can wrestle a Stygorian Boar down with just a single hand. If his magic can't finish you, my fists certainly will."

Sentenza sighed. "I told you Trizel, it isn't magic."

"Look," interrupted Ted. "We're all lost here in this place. Just help us see you won't hurt or attack us, and we can all get along, okay?"

"Curious." mused Sid. "But very well then. Allow me to alleviate your fears. You see, I was designed to protect a certain facility I am unable to name. My creators all died off, but my purpose remained the same. Currently, I am far away from that facility and therefore have no reason to cause violence as long as I do not reveal its location. Except for my self-preservation programming of course. If I am attacked, I will have to defend myself and ensure whatever attacked me can never do so again."

Sentenza laughed as he kept his gun trained on Sid. "You know, I like a fella that can swear he means me no harm in the same sentence he threatens to kill me if I try anything. Helps me know that I'm dealing with the right kind of man." He glanced over at Ted and Trizel. "So boss, this is your chance to use my assassin skills. What's your call?"

"Me?" stammered Ted. "Of course I say don't fight if that's an option. We're all in the same boat, you three even more than I am."

Sentenza nodded and with a flourish, safely decocked both revolvers and slid them back into their holsters. Trizel let out a boisterous laugh that accompanied the lightning above rather well.

"Go on then man!" chuckled Trizel. "Why not explain how mere children foiled your plans."

"How is that relevant?" queried Sid.

"Well, we don't really know how any of us got here." Ted explained. "I appeared in a void after my friend died saving someone, and some puppets held by tentacles knocked me out and I woke up here. Trizel was beaten by rebels using his own relics then appeared here. Sentenza got surrounded by a bright light and heard whispering after a kid who wouldn't die shot him. Then he was here with his wagon."

"Curious." Sid said as his glowing red eyes scanned the three men. "You do seem to be the odd variable, Ted. This is my five-hundred and thirty-third physical form. It was supposed to be the next step of human evolution, but I was tricked by these young explorers. They were teenagers at the oldest, and I was hunting them through the facility. Somehow, they always managed to evade capture or termination. After weeks of hunting, I caught them making a mistake, or so I thought. They had camped near one of my functional recording nodes and talked about how they were able to escape me. How it was because of my lack of creativity that stemmed from my being more machine than human. That the key was my inability to consume human nourishment for fuel. It seemed reasonable at the time, so I crafted a new form with the ability to eat and drink like a human, but fully integrated with my machine brain. I would finally surpass my long dead creators, but it was all a trick. A simple poison in my food and then one last chase led to my body collapsing on the floor. There was this high-pitched ringing as I went offline. Then I rebooted here among you three."

Sid paused a moment before he added, "I believe being away from the facility has helped me process things more clearly. Without that single-minded purpose of defending my home and my creator's life's work, it is easier to look at my actions from a broader perspective."

"Well, chalk that up to another cryptic appearance," sighed Ted.

Trizel scratched his head. "So, you were a golem? Then used your creator's magic to become an enhanced human?"

"Effectively," nodded Sid. "Though I wouldn't use such crude words, I can see how a primitive culture would see what I am as merely magic."

"Primitive? Why I'll have you know..."

"Now calm down there kingy boy," snickered Sentenza. "You're missing the important question here." He turned to Sid and pointed up at the sky. "Have you ever watched a thunderstorm from that facility of yours?"

"Not directly. I have observed them, but never exclusively to everything else. As with Trizel, my duties did not allow much room for deviation."

Sentenza scratched his throat as he nodded. While Trizel sighed as he tried to let the insult pass him by.

"Well, we have a new guy, I think we should introduce him to the kind of stuff we do around here." suggested Ted.

Sentenza and Trizel immediately perked up as Sid stared blanky from one of them to the other.

"Alright! But this time," suggested Sentenza, "Whoever gets to their relief first is the loser."

"Come on now, I thought I made a good case why that is not fair!" complained Trizel as he stood up.

"Well, we did it the other way already, so isn't it more interesting to try something new with a new person here?" asked Ted as he gathered up the blankets they had been lying on.

"I seem to be missing critical information." explained Sid. "The three of you seem to clearly understand what you are talking about, but I need to know the proper key for this code if I am to be fully involved in this conversation."

"Ted's right dear Trizel," smirked Sentenza as he ignored Sid. "Why not try something new if you're so sure you didn't lose last time?"

"I did not lose!" he declared.

Sid stood up in silence as he at last turned to Ted. All while Sentenza and Trizel argued about specifics all the way inside.

"Look," smiled Ted as he put a hand on Sid's shoulder. "This is something that'll probably make more sense experiencing than having it explained to you. Just keep in mind we do not have a large variety of supplies at the moment, okay?"

Ted patted Sid's back and then walked past him into the building, but he stopped at the doorway and motioned with his head for Sid to follow.

"This is one strange place." Sid said flatly before he finally followed after the three.

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