Jorden Moore was buying groceries when the world ended.

He’d finished his work late but figured he’d get his shopping in while he could.

“It’s a lot of greens,” the cashier noted, bagging three bundles of kale.

Jorden laughed. “Yeah, I’m trying to do a health kick. Fingers crossed that I stick to it for more than a week.”

The cashier, a balding guy with an impressive mustache, chuckled. “Ain’t that the sting. I don’t know how many times I’ve managed to quit smoking only for it to last a week.”

Boom, boom.

Jorden turned at the noise. “The hell?” The cashier muttered. “Thunder?”

“In winter?” Jorden asked. Thunder in the summer was rare enough already.

The lights flickered, and he saw something strange reflected in the snow outside. Was that green?

“Maybe a transformer blew or-“ Jorden was cut off by the shaking earth.

It wasn’t terrible, as such things went, but it wasn’t weak either.

When it ended, Jorden’s heart was hammering, and his palms were glistening with sweat. He /hated/ earthquakes.

More booms sounded outside, and Jorden swore he could see more green reflected in the snow.

“Just what is-“ once again, he was cut off, but this time it was something far worse than an earthquake.

A black-feathered monster burst through the window in a shower of broken glass and frigid winter air.

It landed with clack on the tiles before screeching.

It was almost as tall as Jorden, with a long black beak, beady black eyes, and, wait…it was a raven! A gigantic, terrifying raven.

Jorden stared at the bird in shocked disbelief. This couldn’t be happening.

It rose to its feet and shook off the broken glass. Jorden took a cautious step back. Getting hit by that beak would be worse than getting knifed.

The raven twisted its head at the motion, one black eye studying Jorden.

The cashier, who was backing away with far less caution, knocked a bread stand over. It toppled with a crash of metal on tile. One of the loaves of garlic bread smashed open, filling the air with the scent of garlic and herbs.

The raven exploded into motion, hurling itself into the air. It flapped its wings but had overestimated how high the ceiling was. It struck, then crashed to the ground, bowling into the cashier.

They rolled, and the bird screeched and flailed.

It started pecking at the man, its beak slamming down like a pickax. The man didn’t stand a chance. Red pooled over the white tiles.

Jorden stared, his mind stuttering to a stop.

He was dead. The raven had just killed the man. Dead. That, this- he blinked and took another step back. This couldn’t be happening. This was crazy. It had to be a dream-

The raven raised its bloodied beak from the cashier and twisted its head to stare at Jorden. Any thoughts of this being a dream vanished with the copper stink of blood.

This wasn’t a dream.

Jorden screamed and started running. The monster let out a terrible caw and rushed after him.

Jorden grabbed the nearest thing he could and hurled it behind him. Which, unfortunately, was a loaf of bread.

He heard a soft smack and a squawk, so at least he had annoyed the thing.

Great, now it can be personal as it rips my guts out.

Jorden’s heart pounded in his ears like drums, and his breaths were coming in panicked gasps.

He could hear it scrambling on the tiles behind him!

He took a corner as fast as he could and sprinted towards the dairy section.

The scrambling sound stopped.

On pure instinct, Jorden ran even harder, then ripped open a fridge door as he passed. Less than a second later, the raven crashed through the door, tearing it off its hinges in a spray of bent metal and broken glass.

A chunk of something slipped under his foot right as he stepped down.

Jorden went down in a tumble, and only the power of raw terror gave him the strength to roll and scramble to his feet instead of lying in a pained heap.

The bird was too fast. If he had been even a second slower, that beak would have found the back of his neck.

He had to kill it.

How the hell was he supposed to do that?

The raven was pulling itself to its feet. Jorden had seconds to think of a plan.

It shook its head, bits of glass raining from its oily feathers with the motion.

Jorden's mind blanked as full-blown panic took over.

He grabbed a gallon of milk from the fridge and hurled it at the monster. It slammed into the bird's face with a satisfying thunk!

It staggered, then cawed.

Drops of green and purple started to drip from the raven's feathers. The droplets hit the tiles and writhed like snakes. It spread its wings out and cried, the sound so loud and piercing that Jorden thought his ears would burst.

The liquid poured from its wings, then quickly began to pool.

He hid behind the fridge door as the liquid spiked up, but it wasn’t attacking him. Instead, it was changing, growing in size and detail.

When a purple beak started to take shape, Jorden realized what was happening.

A clone!

That was as impossible as a giant raven, but he didn’t have time to think about that. He had barely survived one bird this long. He’d stand no chance against two.

He hurled another gallon of milk at the bird.

As soon as he grabbed the milk, the raven twisted its head around to pull open the nearest fridge door.

The milk smacked against the door and broke open against the ground.

He stared into its black eyes with horror. Those beady orbs gleamed with intelligence. Intelligence and hunger.

It had mimicked him.

Jorden took off into another sprint. The raven screeched and gave chase, leaving its forming clone behind.

He started snatching anything he could get his hands on and hurled it at the raven.

A can of Pringle’s, a soda, cereal, the list went on. The raven ignored or dodged almost everything, and what little managed to get through just seemed to make it angrier.

He turned the corner and almost slammed into a pillar. He made to run around it, but a glimpse of red caught his eye.

Fire extinguisher!

He tore it from the wall just in time to catch a needle of green liquid on his shoulder.

It was so cold that it burned, pain worse than anything he had felt before. Less than half a second after the pain began, it went numb, along with his whole shoulder.

He spun. The raven had stopped, but it hadn’t given up. More green and purple liquid was pouring off of it, and this time the majority of the stuff was pooling around its open beak, mixing together to form a multi-hued orb that floated before it.

The orb looked heavy in a way Jorden neither understood nor could put into words.

But he knew in his bones that he would die if that orb touched him.

So, in pure desperation, Jorden threw the fire extinguisher.

It flew straight for the raven, powered by all the strength fear could pull from him.

He’d played baseball in high school. Coach Walt had always said he had skill, but his throws lacked commitment. If only the crotchety bastard could have seen this.

The fire extinguisher flew like an arrow to slam right into the swilling orb, which had begun to compact in on itself.

The orb started to wrap around the metal. Then the orb, the fire extinguisher, the very air, exploded in a blast of white and green and purple.

The force slammed into Jorden like a car-sized pillow, picking him off his feet and sending him flying like a rag doll.

He hit the ground, and everything went fuzzy. His head hurt, and his thoughts felt…wrong.

He blinked, and blackness was closing in.

I…I don’t want to die.

Darkness took him.

~<>~<>~

When he blinked awake, Jorden’s thoughts had cleared, and his head felt perfectly fine. But he must have still been injured as a voice spoke straight into his mind.

“Well, isn’t this something.” The voice was emotionless and vaguely feminine.

“Several Bosses have spawned as I integrated. Isn’t that what you humans would call ‘a quirky little accident’. Or something along those lines, I am sure. Ha ha. That was a joke if you could not tell from my laughter.”

Alright, so you hit your head and your hallucinating.

“But you not only survived, but you killed the Boss. You are the first person on your planet to do so. Congratulations, human. I am looking forward to seeing the data I collect from you.”

The voice faded, only to return a moment later, though with a prerecorded feeling to it.

Ding! For being the first not only to kill but solo a Boss, you have gained an Epic Class.

For killing a Boss by desperately grabbing every object in sight, you have gained the Class ‘And The Kitchen Sink’

Character sheet: Jorden Moore

Level: 4 error, due to threshold restriction, some of your experience points will be banked until you have reached the first threshold.

Class: And The Kitchen Sink

Rarity: epic

Purpose: survival

Scope: singular

You have three Starter Skills to choose from.

Pocket ?!

Are Those New Shoes?

I Got Just The Thing

Jorden stared at the words, uncomprehending.

“What the hell do those mean?”

The words expanded.

~~Pocket ?!

Rarity: Epic

Augments: 4

Effects: User casts a random attack Skill. Ignores Skill cost and Class requirements.

Range: X

Duration: X

Energy cost: X

Cooldown: X~~

~~Are Those New Shoes?

Effect: cast a random movement Skill. Ignores Skill costs and Class requirements.

Rarity: epic

Range: X

Duration: X

Cooldown: X~~

~~I Got Just The Thing

Effect: cast a random support Skill. Ignores Skill costs and Class requirements.

Rarity: epic

Range: X

Duration: X

Cooldown: X~~

Jorden blinked at the words. “Ahh. So I've gone mad.”