Ch: 16 Love and Coupons

They had retired to the reading nook to discuss matters and were seated comfortably by the glowing magical fire that smelled like Shai’s perfume.

“Braden wrote another letter asking to come home last week, he is having trouble fitting in as a rank and file warrior.” Paul sighed. “I wish I could honestly say he didn't deserve everything he is getting, but he deserves worse.”

“Do you think your folks will let him come home?” Gary asked mildly, his eyes wandering to the garden door.

“This be no time fer thoughts o gardening, ye bloodthirsty savage” Shai fixed him with a gimlet eye. “An I see that filthy trophy, ye shall nae see me fer a time.” She gave a weary sigh. “I would ye could bury that bitter grudge boy, ere it buries thee or he.”

“Regardless, he is not coming home, since he is a rank and file warrior, bound for five years service by his own choice. You are orphans… you know War never ends a Contract.” Paul said.

“My father thinks you should be punished for striking a nobleman, despite the clear and settled law on the subject.”

“My mother thinks you should have waited for me to arrest him, so that he could be tried and probably acquitted, or simply fined.” Paul’s face looked like a bowl of stewed prunes at the thought.

“What do you think?” Tawny asked from her place beside Liam.

“I think Braden is a dangerous child who should not be allowed to play with sharp things.” Paul grumbled. “He has the temper of a badger, the self control of an infant and the body of a grown knight. We might as well hand a monkey a razor.”

The room let out a bout of dark laughter. Almost all were commoners and everyone had at least heard the rumors of what wayward nobles got up to when the eyes of Order were far away.

“My mother’s plan to hide him in the clergy was the best option to reduce the harm he could cause. Now I worry I shall one day get a contract for a bandit I will hesitate to slay.”

“Was that metal?” Dannyl asked.

“Oh yes, that was metal as fuck. There is a song in that bro.” Gary said quietly. Dannyl nodded, brought out a notepad and began scribbling furiously.

The kid couldn’t read or write, but he was super smart and would draw adorable cartoons to remind himself of things that most people would write down.

Gary reflected that Dannyl’s shopping lists would probably sell at anime conventions for a packet.

In fact there was a note from Dannyl, telling Gary that Otho was looking for him, framed as a four panel comic above the fireplace. Gary had found it carelessly folded up and tucked under his door a few weeks ago.

An adorable pudgy old man skeleton, depicting Otho, was searching for Gary in iconic Wheatford locations in each panel. A cunningly concealed chibi Gary and Shai were hidden, holding hands in each.

One had them peering out from behind the market gate at Otho searching the market stalls. Another found the pair skulking among the bushes in the orchard garden, and again behind the college gate.

The final one though… The last panel had the pair standing on pedestals, pretending to be statues in Otho’s wrinkly sculpture garden. Shrubbery and shading elements concealed all the things best left unseen, leaving an impression both melancholy and hilarious. A subtle nod to human frailty and mortality while also being just naughty enough...

It was so popular with the other Bathers, Gary had commissioned a local printer to run a dozen prints, expanded to poster size. They were going to be ready soon.

“Sadly, the time has come for me to once again become justiciar Dunham, please excuse me while I put my uniform back on. Journeyman Shai, If you would be so kind?”

Gary made the required masculine complaints about “his woman” helping another man get dressed. Paul shot back; “The time to complain was when she was helping me undress… are there some things I need to explain to you?”

All the women and most of the men chuckled at his expense.

“Harr dee harr harr.” Gary said, “Laugh it up now, one of these days, you are going to have to start showing me some respect around here!”

He was deluged with a veritable storm of pillows, his friends gleefully pelting him with a never ending supply and variety of cushions.

Paul watched in dumbfounded confusion as people he had known, in some cases for years, began behaving like children. Liam, the staid and well respected head boy of the orphanage was hurling fluffy objects with gusto.

Even Lady Trelawny was romping and throwing things as much as anyone. The pillows, where did they all come from?

The strange boy was buried nearly completely, flailing helplessly under the mound of colorful tassels and brocade.

No matter how closely he watched he could not see where the cursed things were coming from, or really where they were going. Certainly the volume of thrown objects was far beyond what the pile represented.

Slowly the young people ran out of energy, proving that the pillows were definitely vanishing one by one, but never where or when he was looking.

When Shai finally settled the helmet on his head the strange event was over and they were back to chatting amicably as though nothing untoward had occurred at all.

“Is it always like this in your home Shai?” He asked quietly.

“Nae, tis a rare peaceful morning, an I did sleep late thanks tae Gary. He be an odd man but there is nae harm in him.” Shai looked fondly over at her man.

He was now perched on a regal throne comprised of a multitude of tiny pillows, improbably sewn together.

He waved a sceper topped by a plush golden cushion with tassels of red silk at each corner. “By order of the pillow king… let all be comfy…” Gary announced in a breathy accent that mimicked his own father’s speech in uncomfortable ways.

The kid had a prop for every occasion… Props… Gags… Pranks, Eclair! “Shai…” the fully armored man whispered, “I ate that pastry earlier.”

Shai laughed hard and long at the big man, drawing the other Bathers over. To the gathered crowd she said; “I did dress this dummy, an we did forget he be filled wi magic pastry. Can aught be done Gary? I fear a frightful mess.”

“That eclair is going to go off, when he steps off my property… or if you want, I can set it off now.”

Somehow they got the enormous armored figure back out of his metal suit and into the foyer lavatory.

Tallum called softly through the door, “Are you ready?” He turned to Gary, standing nearby and smiling with childlike joy. “Do it.” He almost whispered.

Gary closed his eyes, struck a dramatic pose of deep concentration for a moment… and nothing happened.

He waited a long twelve count before detonating the eclair, letting the tension build. Just as a powerful voice called out; “Nothing is happ-...”

A terrible roar shook the small room, vibrating the door and making the air thrum with its vibrations through the foyer.

“I think it’s ov-...” the quiet from the restroom became ominous, drawing even unwilling participants like Tawny and Ivy closer to the foyer and the drama playing out.

After a too long, breathless moment, a thunderclap shattered the frozen calm, followed by a soft cry of despair.

The shower began running and a few minutes later the giant emerged, dressed in his padded clothing and ready for his armor, though his face was pale and drawn with worry and some unnameable dread. He had closed the door behind him firmly and gently when he left the lavatory.

“I am deeply sorry Shai, I will have some staff from my estate come down and… attend to things in that room.” He whispered. “That wash room is… currently off limits.” His shamed whisper and haunted eyes were pleading and desperate. “Please, keep it sealed until my cleaning staff arrive…”

With a deeply put upon sigh, she produced a tattered and stained apron, a pair of worn out gloves and a brush with a broken handle and only a few bedraggled bristles remaining.

“I plead wi ye Gary, let me buy sumat trifling fer the household chores, me brush, tis past usefulness.” She begged Gary, waving the pitiful brush.

“Maybe next week. Budget is tight with all these new people joining the group.” He shot back offhandedly, leaving her woebegone as she turned to the bathroom door, a faded kerchief restraining her hair.

“He be a terrible miser.” Shai whispered to Paul, before she released a long and heartfelt sigh.

“Please, don't go in there…” The huge knight whispered, mortified to the bone. “Please Shai, don’t open that door, it’s… it’s everywhere.”

“Ok boys, that’s enough, Shai I’m surprised at you, I expect Gary to go too far.” Tawny tisked with mocking disappointment.

“Lord Dunham, please forgive my friends, they mean no harm. That room has probably already been set to rights by the magic of Gary’s absurd gift. They are abusing your good nature too much I think.” She pinned down the group of snickering young people with her eyes.

“Fun is fun, but now we have matters to attend to. Shai, please help Paul with his armor again.

Lady Helene must be wondering whether we murdered you and are attemting to hide the body.” Tawny patted as high up on his armored shoulder as she could reach, while Shai worked. “Gary does not understand the world you and I occupy, he sees only the privileges and trappings of wealth wielded as weapons against his friends. That is an opinion you will find common on the fringes.”

“Thank you for the context, lady Trelawny… may I call you Tawny? This seems an informal… group?” He said, tiptoeing delicately in a minefield of new experiences.

“The Bathtime Yacht Club is more than just a group of like minded friends, working to make the world a better place…” Gary announced, appearing from the shadows with near supernatural stealth.

“We are a secret society dedicated to saving the world from its imminent and complete destruction.” His manic smile and cheerful tone gave his dire pronouncements the air of a private joke… to which his compatriots laughed a little bitterly.

“Be that as it may, Thank you all. Gary, Shai, your hospitality is a unique blend of comfort and terror. I hope to visit again soon.” The big knight did a truly impressive shoulder rolling shrug to settle his armor and stepped outside into a bizarre atmosphere.

The crowd had grown massively, filling the courtyard of the Adventurers guild. A few of the nobles of Helene’s party had sent for seating and refreshments while they watched the show. Word had escaped into the gossip hungry, festival ready town and set off a furor.

That, had apparently begun an impromptu festival of its own. Ever opportunistic, sergeant Becky and the younger orphans were peddling coffee and tea from a cart equipped with a stove.

The older teenagers were selling snacks that had obviously been bought at the market and were being gleefully hustled in the excited throng.

A respectful perimeter isolated the noble participants, leaving them an island of calm in a sea of excited, chattering faces. When the giant in gleaming mail emerged, silence fell.

He waited for the Bathers to assemble outside, before unloading in a vast and booming voice;

“A complaint has been lodged against Gary Ward, apprentice luthier and Adventurer and Shai, journeyman smith of Wheatford. Lady Helene Kinneman, does attest and claim that on this dawn, her party was denied lawful guest right on the grounds of the accused’s home.” He paused as the echoes died.

“Notice was lawfully filed and duly posted. This is not in dispute.” he turned to the bathers and addressed Gary and Shai; “How do you respond? Individually or together?”

“Together.” They said in unison, Gary’s guitar still slung on his shoulder, carrying their voices across the parade ground.

“Did you deny access to your property, in violation of law?” He asked in martial tones, the echo coming loud and sharp.

“We did not deny access to any one, the only people turned away from the public baths were my brothers and sisters, the orphans of this town. They were thrown out by lady Helene’s nameless goon.” Gary replied.

The goon in question snapped even more rigid in his blood red ceremonial armor. The quiet clatter drew all eyes to him in the stillness. Standing near Lady Helene and now the focus of a large, respectful, but unfriendly crowd, he shifted uncomfortably.

“Warrior priest Shaheen, do you contest this statement?” The justicar asked, while Gary wondered if the helmet was enchanted to amplify Paul’s voice.

“I do not, save that I object to being referred to as ‘nameless goon’, For the record I am Telemain Shaheen, priest of War.” He barked.

“Noted, warrior priest Shaheen. Lady Helene, do you contest the statement by the accused?” He asked, booming voice steady and cool.

“I do contest that!” Lady Helene said, rather more heatedly than decorum would ordinarily allow. “These… people, they drained the bathing facility and allowed those ragged waifs in, while denying us in no uncertain terms!” She almost yelled, growing more agitated as the crowd murmured unfavorably in the background.

“Defendants, do you contest the lady Helene’s statement?” He asked, still cooly professional.

“We do not, lord Dunham, tis as she says.” Shai replied, placing a restraining hand on Gary's arm. “We do await judgment.”

“Lady Helene, have you further testimony to offer before judgment?” He asked, calm as a frozen pond.

“I do not, nephew. Please end this humiliating spectacle immediately.” She harrumphed. “I shall be taking tea with my sister in law this afternoon. She will hear how I was left waiting in the cold by her eldest son.”

Even the snack vendors were fully engaged by the drama. The meat pie seller fiercely hushed a potential customer, when they jingled their coins too loudly.

Unfazed, the knight called out in even more official tones; “Under the code of guest law, held by the god Order in trust for all humanity, I judge thus: The claim of guest right by lady Helene is upheld. The lady and her party shall be given full access to these outdoor facilities for the remaining duration of her claim.” He paused for a few heartbeats.

“I find no violation of guest rite, nor denial of access on the part of the defendants. This matter is resolved.” He left another brief silence hanging in the air.

“Official transcripts and records of the proceedings will be available at the temple of Order, within three common days of this date.” He said mildly, while nodding to the parties involved.

“So that's it?” Gary asked. “We are all finished?”

“Indeed.” The big knight said, removing his helmet. “In such proceedings my word is final, that is the duty of Order and the priests in his service.”

As he spoke, a thunderstorm in crimson velvet was sweeping down on the people gathered on the patio.

“Make this peasant turn the water back on Polonius, or your mother will hear of this in detail!” She fumed, nearly stamping her feet at the giant knight.

“That is no part of the law, aunt Helene. There is no obligation to draw water or provide for those who claim guest right, that must be requested, it may also be denied.” He said mildly, only the faintest glimmer of a smile on his scarred features.

With grace and silent eloquence, he stepped aside, even offering a courtly wave to indicate the pair of Adventurers standing in mute confusion. “Aunt Helene? Did you have a request to make of these worthy citizens?”

She ignored the pair, as one would a utilitarian piece of furniture. “There is a reason why you have been stuck administering the trade and craft wards boy. This attitude of yours is going to be discussed at length with the family.”

As she spun on her heel and stomped away Paul called out to her in a soft pleading voice; “Ohh no, not that…” While waving bye-bye with a smile.

“She must think I swore to the god, Ok, If My Mom Says So.” He said quietly once she was gone. “You could have made everyone’s day easier by just letting her have her way, you know.” He said to Gary and Shai.

“She threw my brothers and sisters out in the cold, Paul.” Gary said, looking intractable.

The big man turned to Shai.

“She did throw me own brothers an sisters out in the cold, Paul.” Shai fired back.

“I wanted to be a painter… landscapes, still life, tasteful nudes, maybe the occasional naughty caricature to spice things up…” He sighed, wistful and quiet. “Noblemen Contract Order or War, not Joy, certainly not Craft!” he said in a breathy and shrill feminine squeal, clearly a well practiced ‘aunt Helene’.

With a jolt he stiffened and said; “Please forgive my indiscretion.”

Shai patted his steel clad arm. “I do think that it be Gary’s nature tae pull secrets from those whae need tae be telling them.”

He stood thoughtfully for a while, before sketching a bow and excusing himself with; “Duty calls me away, good day citizens.”

Shai shouted from the porch. “Bring me that rusty suit o scrap ere the festival, ye would nae be shown brighter by an acolyte o War would ye?”

Gary called out through his instrument; “Shai will give you the friends and family discount!”

Panic stricken, Shai yelled into the silver button on Gary’s collar; “There be no authorized discounts nor coupons fer Shai’s forge and foundry! All those coupons be scurrilous fakes!”

The fake coupon gag: A few trusted confidants and a printer with a relaxed attitude to minor crimes is all you need. Create just a very few coupons in detail, each printed with serial numbers, each with a wildly different, very large number. Example; 25% off at Shai’s forge and foundry. Number 77 of 500. While the pranksters know there are only two or three coupons…

When guardsman Olan arrived to get his armor adjusted and polished for the festival, his coupon nearly gave Shai fits. He was a long time customer though… she immediately suspected Gary, but he barely knew Olan…

Jennah came to get her shears sharpened, but even Gary knew better than to involve himself with that scheming serpent. “Jennah! Tis good to see thee again…” another coupon, number 138/500, she was beginning to sweat.

It was old man Shrafer, who tumbled the game. He came in to have a broken plowshare repaired with another of the damn things and immediately spilled who gave it to him.

It was obvious at that point, since Gary had leased his barren hilltop and briefly placed his home there a few short months ago, Shrafer now had the most unlikely patch of prime garden soil in the area. Shrafer’s wife Heather, now loomed large over the garden society of the commons.

None of the conspirators would reveal how many of the things were floating around. “That be a damnably good one boy… I kinnae believe Tallum an Tawny did help thee.”

He swept in for a kiss and a spin, twirling his graceful muse around the patio. “Love means honoring your mate’s coupon codes. That is the law, ask Paul next time.” He said, as the waterfall began filling the pool at an alarming rate, slowing to a more normal flow in a few minutes.

It was unclear how or when it was decided to begin the festival early… perhaps it was the organic result of a large and excited crowd watching a drama unfold in a strangely satisfying way. Or more likely the late dawn and cold morning made the prospect of beginning the work day unappealing.

Day zero of the festival of War was fun. Otho’s gang was moving through the crowd, spreading the good word with drums, flute, guitar and violin. Gary started strumming along, the rest just jumped aboard without needing any encouragement. It almost felt like Tallum and Liam folded his gift around themselves, that was impossible of course.

Shai was already in motion, tugging at him with the strands of her special gift. Gary could feel Dannyl somewhere in the mob, trying to keep his end up, a little thread of magic was all it took now. Binding his band together tightly, even though Tawny was at the pianoforte in the showroom, halfway across the guild yard.

Sadly, Ginger Dreadnaught was running out of gas fast, it had been an exhausting morning already. Holding in the second pool that long made Gary’s insides spin in odd ways that he was not enjoying.

Most of the rest were fit, but in different ways. Tallum was holding it down with a craftsman’s tireless energy, while Shai was always an endless font. Liam and Dannyl were visibly sagging, mental exhaustion betraying their healthy bodies in the end.

Ivy was still solid, honed by a lifetime of steady rockin, before she ever knew what rock was.

Tawny had little trouble staying in the groove, since she had missed most of the events, only appearing on scene shortly before Paul.

Shai danced him by the hand inside when she saw him flagging and pointed him to the now vacant bath. “In ye go before ye drop. I shall join, ere too much longer.” It turned out, ‘too much longer’ was hours of helpless bobbing.

Sergeant Becky came by to visit for a while, mostly to tell him what an awesome party he was missing. “I love you too, you scrawny little guttersnipe.” He grumbled at the laughing girl. “If I could stand up right now…”

She pulled a recorder from her pocket and started to play a silly childish tune, mocking him with her dancing feet and ability to stand erect. “You've been practicing…” He whispered, deeply moved.

“Yeah, Liams’ teaching me ukulele as you teach him. He's pretty slow, since he doesn't read.”

Gary made a comfy sofa appear by the pool and she settled in. “Wanna join the lessons with the others? I swear, I’m learning more from Otho than anybody ever could from me.” She nodded with a smile that made his wobbly insides settle down nicely.

“Tell ya what, the gang is going monster busting soon, when we come back, real lessons in a real classroom, every day. You wanna play, you get your shot kid.” He fixed her with his strange, half mad eyes. “We all get our shot sergent Becky. None of my brothers or sisters gets enslaved. Starting here and now, it’s a revolution up in this bitch.”

He smiled weakly, “Really, I started it a few weeks ago, it can't be stopped now.” He could feel them outside, a few toy instruments, the work of his hands, responding to Shai’s gift as she danced. He could feel the music rise and fall, guided by Otho’s Joyous, supported by Shai as she spun those magical hips.

Those simple toys, utterly mundane and given away freely, were hammering at the walls of his mind, asking to join the remnants of his gift lingering around Shai. Too exhausted to resist, he simply let it take over, riding a wave of half heard, half felt music into dreamless slumber.

Becky and Shai were curled up together when he woke, sleeping on the sofa under conjured blankets. He carried Becky to a room and tucked her in, before leading a groggy Shai upstairs. Once she was properly sprawled across him, taking up way more space than she should be able to, he could really sleep, though not for very long.

When his girls awoke Gary was already downstairs, floating in the pool, recovering. Even through the closed workshop door the scents of hot machines hot lumber and sawdust made their way upstairs. “Mornin ladies, I had some things to do, hope I didn’t wake you.”

Shai looked at him suspiciously. “I did have strange dreams, I dreamed a place o ice and snow, small men in green coats did labor tirelessly, pointy ears and feathered caps did they have, and slippers whose toes did curl up to jingling bells.” She glared at him with new vigor. “What do ye build down there boy?”

He huffed. “Don’t be greedy Shai, I gave you your birth day gift early, there is no other like it. Becky, go down to the shopfront and pick anything you like, if you don’t see what you want, let me know, then bring the little ones over. Whatever they want.”

The Bathers really only slept about four hours a night these days, the crafters were way ahead of their schedules across the board, thanks to Gary’s ridiculous gifts.

That left a lot of time to bounce ideas off of each other, Tallum in particular was a font of useful tips and ideas that had accelerated several of his ideas from prototype to production very quickly.

Tallum also did not mind helping with some production with no questions asked. Rings of bearings, wheel hubs and casters. All manner of small parts slowly filled bins on Gary’s workbench and those bins emptied just as quickly.

He had been steadily working on his secret projects for a couple weeks on the sly, but now was the time.

Dressed and with coffee in hand they went down to the shopfront, into a scene of madness.

Children were everywhere, the more advanced instruments were gone, replaced by a crazy collection of things unlike any she had ever seen.

Dolls in wood and cloth, depicting people and animals both real and fanciful filled the shelves.

Strange painted wooden planks with small wheels were whizzing the more adventurous boys and girls around the courtyard, as if propelled by the wind. Others wore boots with wheels instead of soles, gliding and skating in the courtyard as though on a frozen lake.

Flutes, drums, ukuleles, small scale guitars and even a few harps were scattered around, receiving attention from no small number of kids. The noise was incredible.

Toy weapons and armor filled racks against the walls, as kids kitted out in full panoply, dueled on the patio, under Becky’s firm guidance. She had an irish harp slung across her back like she was born to it.

“Everybody decided? Cause it’s time to bathe. Happy birth day brothers and sisters” Becky called out, hugging Gary and Shai before leading her troops off, to battle the forces of stank.

“Help me change out the goods before the older kids come over.” Gary wheezed, gamely tucking away toys and dolls and replacing them with weapons, armor pieces and shields.

More advanced instruments, like bass and full sized acoustic guitars, a few violins and a cello appeared.

Finally more of the strange wheeled boards, these were larger and more robust to support larger riders. Shai held one up. “I did see some kids using these, whae be the magic spell?” She asked.

“No magic, just balance, grace and athleticism, you should be fine.” He gave her the same sketchy and feeble instructions he gave Dannyl and his other experimental subjects.

“Step onto it in the direction you wanna go, kick off and lean into it. The rest is all balance.” He said confidently.

After a short whoop of joy, a short scream and a thud, Shai said the same thing all his other subjects did. “Yer instructions be shite boy. But I see the trick of it.”

“I have a magic bathtub that heals minor injuries woman, stay on my good side if you want that bruise to come off your good side.” He said while brushing the dust off her bottom.

She kissed him, and was soon skating around with greater confidence than even Dannyl had managed. “You are a natural board rider of course.” He shouted out to her; “Wait til I build a bicycle woman! Then you will see!” He staggered off to the bath, feeling shaky.

Within a few steps she was there helping him along. “Sorry, still wobbly, you are gonna have to party without me, I think I need to sleep in the pool.”

He drifted in and out for the day, there was always a Bather there when he woke, usually Shai. Even when she was not there, he could feel her dancing nearby at one of the many places he could feel his instruments being played. He woke for dinner, feeling steady and more in control, also ravenous in a healthy way.

Shai dragged him off to the orphanage dining hall to eat with the whole mad family, from little ones in boosters, to grizzled veterans in town for the festival, to the familiar retirees, enjoying the bustling and activity.

Otho and his acolytes were present, since Otho was an orphan, the administrator and beloved of Joy, he got them all to come down to the orphanage for the feast.

The Dering twins, Ophelia the violinist and Caleb the guitarist, were clearly awkward and distressed by the rowdy commoners and orphans celebrating around them.

Daniel the harpist had latched onto sergeant Becky and was deep in conversation with the precocious girl, harps in hands and fully engaged.

Tallum, smith Harlan, Shai’s adoptive mother Adelia, and a pair of cousins Gary had yet to meet, Harlan’s new apprentices, were all present.

The male smiths and the warriors fell in together and mingled seamlessly. Enthusiasts discussing mutual interests, they could always be relied on to entertain themselves.

Shai and her mother held court with the youngest children. Gary sprawled out at their feet, amongst the younglings and let them maul him while he listened to mother and daughter sing songs and tell stories.

Everyone was polite enough to pretend not to notice when he fell asleep, silent tears and just a little snot, making a mess on the floor.

Gary came down from the bedroom in the dream house, sleepily confused by Shai’s absence. If he concentrated really hard he could feel her, awake and telling a story. That was an odd feeling.

Even stranger, there was a screen, like the one he had conjured in the garden. It was in the living room, with a comfy couch and a big box of Gary’s movie and tv memories.

Each one was a tiny jewel, at a touch he got a sense of what was inside. They could be tossed onto the screen to play, but in a highly concentrated form. The magic of memory uncoupled them from time, space and natural senses, allowing the information to be consumed rapidly and completely. Shai had been getting nosey.

He pawed through the box, hoping to figure out how much she had seen and where she left off. It was hopeless, her fingerprints were everywhere.

In the garden, Thirp and Secret were there, directing the Notgarys and Shai-lites in their seemingly endless repairs. The constellations of bubbles filling the sky did seem a bit more organized, and the garden was doing great.

Velvet rope Notgary was still stationed at the garden gate, with the aggressive black clad Shai-lite backing him up as he faced down something amorphous and dark, save for four golden masks. Each one, depicting a different face contorted in horror and agony.

The masks were constantly subsumed and then reappearing from the indefinable cloud of colorless dark haze. Each time they reappeared it was a new person, in endless variety, though always with expressions ranging from dread to horror.

“Take your ziggurat, shine it up real nice, and shove it wherever things like you shouldn’t shove things. Aclintherios reincarnated a half dozen of those shits this week, you clowns never learn… Oh, too late, and he looks pissed.”

Gary had only glimpsed occasional flashes of the cosmic vastness and terrible power that was Aclintherios. Now he dominated the vicinity, his power radiating in a subtle psychic pressure that seemed to compress and evaporate the misty horror at the gate.

Its ziggurat, looming nearby, was a nightmare of contorted flesh and conjoined half living tissues. It moaned piteously in the presence of the spider god and began to shudder and wilt. Golden webs began spreading over the structure, tiny spiders crawling over it leaving their glowing silk in intricate patterns and runes.

In moments the hideous thing was enrobed in a cocoon of golden silk, glowing with an inner light and glory. With a soft cracking sound, a pillar of golden light evaporated the whole thing while a chorus of angelic spiders played instruments like Thirp’s in glorious worship.

The misty figure itself was now half its former size and its masks displayed hope, eagerness and vengeful joy at the creature’s discomfort. Aclintherios turned his many eyes on the thing and it simply was no more. The masks tumbled to the ground with a tinny sound before disappearing in golden light under the spider’s gaze.

“Gary,” The spider said, its voice soft and gentle despite now seeming larger than his entire house. “you should have Thirp summon me immediately if another of those appears. If one gets inside you with its filthy ziggurat, two entire realities will be lost.”

“Noted, thanks for the assist. Can they push their way in? Is that a worry?”

The spider was already fading away, growing to the size of a mountain and becoming more diffuse. “They cannot without your permission. Thirp will explain if you need more.” Then he was gone.

Gary felt himself waking up too, someone was shaking him.