Ch: 14 The Wrong Bus Stop

Outside, a few of the pensioners, including Hannah and Mikkel, had come out to help supervise the young ones, while sergeant Becky took the reins.

Before long, Liam and Dannyl were in the residence addressing the gathered Bathers.

Danny stood in the kitchen looking over the groggy crew with Liam at his side.

“I, I wanna join your party, Liam said something about a secret society or something… that sounds weird and lame, but I wanna get an apprentice Adventurer badge.” He stammered out in an anxious flood.

“I dunno, we are an elite team of monster slayers with many deep and mysterious secrets. What makes you think you can run with the big dogs?” Gary asked smugly.

Dannyl jerked a thumb at the leather case slung over his shoulder. “Wanna spar minstrel boy? Tawny will be by to heal you at second bell… as usual.”

Gary mutely pointed to a sign that read ‘NO BULLYING’ in english.

Shai boxed his ears lovingly and said. “No bullying hae been the orphans code since times long gone, fool… and Dannyl nae kin read.” She swatted him on the rump. “Ye do know full well that ye will vote tae admit him, as will the others, tis foregone. So tis ye bullying Dannyl, oaf.”

Gary huffed, snorted like a frustrated donkey and said, “I’m hazing him, that's differen-...” his ‘No Bullying’ sign now read;

No Bullying, Hazing or Sassing Shai

It was even in her handwriting, so cute… and in english? Gary’s brain skipped a few beats and recalled the other times lately she had understood his out of town languages and writings. It was almost too easy to miss.

“Shai, Have I mentioned how much I enjoy your handwriting?” He asked in portuguese. “Aye ye did, and did sniff me notebook in a manner unbecoming a gentleman.” She said with a wink. In perfect (for her) portuguese.

“Did anybody else follow what we just said?” He asked the room at large. All of whom looked mystified, since their language was so ubiquitous, it was literally named ‘Common’.

Shai also looked perplexed. “Dae ye say me speech be unclear boy?” She asked still, in portuguese, not noticing the confused looks on her friends faces.

Gary decided to save some fun for a special occasion.

“Dannyl, Shai is right, you have the right to ask and the goods to back it up.”

He scanned the members currently assembled. “We have a quorum, Liam proposed Dannyl, I second it and vote yea, all in favor?” A solid chorus of sleepy “Yea” sounded as one.

“Dannyl, welcome to the Bathtime Yacht Club, what instrument do you play?”

The poor lad was bumfuzzled, having been run down by a lot of fast moving nonsense. “Chain whip? You mean weapon right?”

Gary pressed a guitar into his hands. “Try that, and call me senpai.” He said, placing the younger man’s hands in the correct position.

“Try. Try… we won't judge you here, we all do it… we love to do it, all the cool kids play guitar…” He was crooning and cajoling in a very disturbing manner, his gift twining through the room in almost tangible threads. He had his own guitar out now and was showing the confused and flustered boy a simple D chord “Strum boy, yess! Again!”

Shai let out a low warning growl “Gary…” It was too late, Dannyl smiled and strummed again.

“That is a very nice sound” He said, as Gary’s gift seized hold. Liam’s Uke joined up, as Ivy’s drum began to thump in time.

Gary pulled them into the courtyard like a herdsman leading his flock, before forcing them through a bouncy upbeat song called ‘Last Train to Clarksville’. No one knew what a train was, or where Clarksville was, but it was good clean fun.

The children and pensioners around the big public pool seemed to enjoy the impromptu show. Cheering and hooting with excitement.

Gary dragged them through two more songs that he said were from the same group of monkeys before releasing them from his tyranny. “Daydream Believer’ was very nice.” Tallum said with a smile as he slung his bass.

The whole group was sweating and worn from just three songs. “We need to up our band fitness levels, you guys are too soft, we are never gonna win the next Battle of the Bands like this.” Gary complained.

Dannyl looked wrecked, fraught with nerves and wondering what the hell just happened to him.

Shai caught him up in a hug, “Ohh Dannyl, I be so sorry this did happen to ye, be ye traumatized?” It took him a moment to realize two things,

a) He was being mothered aggressively. And b) Shai was taking, as they say, the piss.

Unfortunately, She was also a smith, so his chances of escaping her grasp was near zero. Dannyl simply fell limp, passive resistance ending her fun and games anticlimactically.

“Gary! Shai!” Came a high pitched but authoritative voice from the public bath. “Stop teasing Dannyl and be nice, don’t make me come over there!” Sergeant Becky shouted, rousing Dannyl from his torpor.

The tiny terror came stomping over furious, wet and naked. “You Ok Dannyl? Gary’s gift is weird and exhausting!” She said, ‘helping’ her elder brother up.

The wiry ginger lad was only shoulder height on Gary, but he stood two hands taller than his tiny sister. Her hair was braided close to her scalp and ended in bright clay beads.

Almost too thin, her dark skin made her seem like a polished ebony doll, rather than the fierce and fearless young woman that lurked in her child’s body.

“You can’t say ‘don't make me come over there’ while you are already coming over here.” Danyl said, still breathing heavily. “It erodes the impact of the threat and the action, clothes help too.”

She flicked him on the nose with a snort. “Don’t forget we need you around here too, I can’t manage the place with all of you gone.” She spun on her heel and returned to the bath, back ramrod straight and completely poised.

“All in favor of inducting sergeant Becky at the first opportunity?” Gary asked.

Another chorus of “Yea!” rang out softly.

The group did their morning run and training together and settled in for a day of getting Dannyl up to speed.

The young man had seen enough weirdness, competence and incompetence from Gary to accept the whole story in a few big bites, leading to a fine lunch and smoke in the garden.

“Secret and emissaries from outer gods meeting in Gary’s soul? That is only medium weird.” The small, wiry, ginger teen said. “He carries a whole craft hall up his butt, I can believe anything. Besides, no normal human could keep up with Shai.”

Shai threw a snowball at him that seemed to appear in her hand by magic. It splattered across his face in damp, frigid gobs, running down his collar and… disappeared as though it never was, he wasn't even damp. “Now that was more than medium weird.” He said when the shock wore off.

“Ok, new member, Bathtime is Go!” Gary said. The group sat there on blankets in the garden, unmoving.

“Bathtime guys?” Liam asked, to a babble of affirmative responses. They gathered up and obediently trooped into the bath, leaving Gary gasping and huffing dramatically. Shai took him by the hand with a smile. “Tis these little indignities that do show that we do adore thee, but that ye are silly.” She swatted his rump and led him inside.

“Wow, this is better than the public bath side…” Dannyl sighed. “Mostly cause it's quiet.”

Gary floated by. “I noticed you didn’t put that guitar down till it was lunchtime… Interested in learning it for real? Battle of the Bands is coming up.”

Dannyl sank under water and blew a lung full of bubbles. Back topside he said. “You really are a weird guy.”

Gary nodded. “Yup, but also fun I hope, were you hoping for a boring adventure crew?”

Dannyl chuckled. “I know what to expect from the rest, it’s you that I worry about.”

That afternoon was Gary’s first actual day of beginners intro to the intro to alchemy. Young Muktar was gregarious, plump and cheerful as always. Greeting him at the door to his home workshop with a smile and an offer to sit down to tea with the other apprentices. Muktar firmly believed in the power of mint tea and cookies to resolve most of life’s troubles.

“Sit Gary, we are still trying to catch up from yesterday’s events.” He said in his lilting accent, with the satisfied smile of a man who has just completed a long and difficult task.

“Only thing better than seeing your children married is seeing grandchildren married.” He sighed to the room in general, a room whose occupants were all younger than Gary and presumably not parents.

A good long tea break later they all filed into the workroom. The alchemist’s guild kept its methods closely guarded, now he wondered why.

Simple mortars and pestles, millstones, and other common kitchen gear stood on shelves. Wood burning stoves provided heat and cooking surfaces, while a sink and drying glassware dominated a fifth of the space.

Work tables were arranged throughout and it was a high ceilinged room, but it still somehow felt cramped and vacant at the same time. He expected bubbling glass tubes and mysterious fuming cauldrons, instead it looked more like a kitchen.

There were scales and other measuring devices in plenty, that was the difference, Gary had yet to see Ivy, Liam, Dannyl or even little Becky measure anything when he took his turn helping in the orphanage kitchen… though he was stuck washing dishes one hundred percent of the time.

“So! Where are you gonna stick the new guy?” Gary asked head apprentice Andi. They silently pointed to the heap of dirty glass beakers, bottles, flasks and vials on a rack by the sink. “That is… disappointing, Andi. Not surprising, just disappointing.”

Andi had brown hair and gray eyes, they were pale and slightly stout, the kind of plumpness that suggests a cheerful attitude and robust health.

Their smile was, bright, charming and very distracting. They were on the taller side, for a woman. Or short for a man, Gary was still unclear on that point.

Clothing here was unhelpful since most folks wore the loose pants, wraparound shirts and sandals of workmen when it was warm, simply adding layers and switching to shoes and boots for cold weather.

Even more confusing, Gary danced with Andi on two different occasions, and found them charming and fun each time.

“Stop wool gathering and get to work if you want to actually learn more than how to use a bottle brush today.” They told him in not unfriendly, yet commanding tones.

He did not learn much beyond the fine art of bottle washing that day, that they knew of. He touched a finger into the less noisome residue in the bottles as he washed, harvesting the details of the contents to examine later.

‘It's not cheating, it’s just a gift…’ He thought to himself, as he ran his fingers over the goods stacked in the storeroom.

Before long he was fetching ingredients at the request of the other apprentices, gaining a better grasp of the names and appearances of the various ingredients in play.

Mundane salt, wax and clay were always in demand, as were a vast array of herbs, barks and other plant products. Crates, barrels, bales and bundles were everywhere, as were a dizzying number of jars, bottles and bags.

Floating in the bath, after dinner with Shai, Tawny and Liam, Gary was reading his messages and making mental notes.

He discovered that he could file the messages from items and resources separately, making a convenient and growing encyclopedia all his own.

“Shai, you know Andi right? Good dancer, alchemist Muktar’s senior apprentice?”

“Aye, I do, they be a friend, though nae close. Why? Do they scold thee too fiercely when ye drop the glasswares?”

“No, I only dropped a few, and they were mostly not broken. I wanted to know if they are a he or a she…”

Shai managed to look mildly offended, mildly upset, mildly amused and mildly irritated all at once. It was quite a show.

“This do be another o those things Gary, where ye seem to have mental reservations.”

“Your world must be a dark place.” Liam mumbled around his pipe stem. “Do you have to prove your gender with the guild hall before you can work? Is penis inspector a job in your world?”

They all laughed together as Gary relayed a few of the stranger elements of his homeland.

“So they do try and make it illegal to be a person from another place? Ye be a terrible criminal now, and ye find a way home…” Her laughter faltered at the end as certain thoughts percolated.

“Shai, I don’t want to go back, and Z’s notes said clearly I can't go back. This is home and I have everything I never thought I could even dream of having already.” He squeezed her close and held on tight.

“So what is this new guitar that Shai saw yesterday?” Liam asked to break the melancholy mood. “I heard it was weird.”

Gary laughed full and loud. “You have no idea!”

Shai swung into his lap with a giggle and said. “It were loud and bright, like a harp, but so loud. I dinnae ken how it can be so wi out yer harmonium.”

“I made it with the harmonium tech, but free from the need for satellites and transmissions, just direct induction into a resonator disk. Add a few toys to deform the disk for crunch and distortion, quartz crystal anodes to provide reverb and echo. Moonstone and agate for overdrive and volume. I use my mana supply to power the whole rig in one guitar. You guys have no idea what this signal chain would be worth back on my world...”

The glazed look in his ‘listeners’ eyes told him he was now, That Guy.

“I’m sorry guys, yes it makes music loud.” He fixed an eye on a more alert Liam. “Interested in moving past the ukulele? Trying something new?”

Liam looked at his strange friend with new eyes. “This is really the real you? The happy musician with way too much magic and no good sense at all? Or is it the man I watched cheerfully cause the evacuation of an entire temple while enjoying soup? Or is it the raw, naked, animal rage that I see boiling just under the surface?” He asked.

“Yes? All of those and things you don't even have words for brother… so are you.” Gary touched Liam over his heart with a fingertip. “It's all in there screaming to get out. Maybe a guitar will help you find that, maybe something else. We gotta find it though, you gotta break free.”

“I’m not sure how that got turned around on me, I was asking why you seem manic and even less predictable than before.”

“Deflecting my deflection are we?...”

Shai splashed water in both their faces, while Tawny lectured.

“Both of you need to get out of your own way and stop being foolish. Gary, your weirdness is a defense mechanism, it’s off putting to new people. Liam, if you were any more loaded with repressed anger you would burst like an alchemist's firework.”

Shai dragged Gary to the edge, “Tis late, be ye staying over? We must make amends wi a god this night and would get some sleep too.”

Gary waved as he was dragged off. “Night guys, make yourselves at home… or don’t.”

Snug in their nest, the pair curled up and went to their next meeting. In the dream house they marched down stairs arm in arm to face whatever madness was going on tonight.

Thirp and Secret were across from each other, Secret was in his ill defined humanoid form, slipping in and out of view as the shade of the pear tree shifted with the breeze.

A platoon of Notgarys were meditating and exercising in the garden, supervised by a few Shai-lites.

“This is getting exhausting, why is my soul the embassy?”

Shai whispered “Shush, dinnae complain so, tis unmanly.”

Turning to the pair lingering in the garden deep in conversation she said; “Fie, ye two be still wagging your mouth parts or what hae ye?”

She strode over with much more confidence than Gary expected, since she was addressing a god and a spider with fangs three inches long and a marked propensity for leaping.

Thirp was reclining in the most improbable way, resting in a web hammock strung in a garden chair. He was sipping delicately from something wrapped in a discrete silvery cocoon. Secret for his part, had found the shadiest spot possible and was half surrounded by the boughs of a young grenadier pear tree.

“Look at ye, takin yer ease in me boy’s soul, dae ye need a pillow? Snacks or summat? Fie! Indolent spirits o misfortune and sloth!” She fumed at the otherworldly duo.

Gary slouched up and placed a restraining hand on her shoulder with a sassy wink. “Now now, I’m sure they were hard at work my dear.” He soothed, when she looked back to her victims, a bright colored paper parasol was jutting from Thirp’s cocooned bundle and he was wearing four pairs of pink sandals of unusual design.

Secret was draped in a billowing shirt printed with bright tropical flowers and birds and wearing a wide brimmed straw hat.

Thirp good naturedly kicked off a few sandals and left the remaining four in place while sipping with an amused expression. “Very droll Gary, I have been peeking in some of your public memories, this is very amusing. Journeyman Shai, this regalia is the traditional panoply of the recreational activities popular in Gary’s homeworld! He has made us something called ‘Parrotheads?’ I think.”

Secret seemed only slightly less amused. “Ahh, I had not reached those yet, he has a vast store of very interesting information tucked away in there. I have been exploring his people’s contact with beings from another world.

Extraordinary and quite mystifying, to think such secrets could be had, I am almost tipsy from the excitement! Other worlds, to meet beings from such faraway places and learn their secrets!”

“Uhh, other worldly people? In my memories? That sounds like you found my memories of movies… plays performed for an audience.” Gary smiled and asked softly. “Were those memories played out as though on a big flat wall? As though projected in light?”

Secret ruffled at that. “I have seen your memories of movies boy, the Casablanca was marvelous, very moody.” Thirp bobbed up and down in agreement.

“These were very strange people and you were there before them as a very young child. Several unique creatures were making a very interesting form of music in support of their leader, He was known only as Starchild in your memories.” Thirp sang. while Secret nodded.

Gary laughed in his god’s face and almost fell over. “Shai, you hearing this? Getting it?” She looked confused. “I do hear but nae understand. Why do ye laugh so?”

By force of will, Gary made a screen appear, projecting onto it, one of his earliest memories. The lights came up at an outdoor arena and the strange people appeared in their strange clothes.

An old old man, with wild multicolored braids stepped up and began to declaim his arrival from another world, announcing himself as the ambassador from his people.

Then the music began. Primal and complex, wildly inventive while remaining rooted in its time signature. As she watched and listened, she did want to tear the roof off this mother! Whatever that meant. There was indeed a whole lotta rhythm going down.

“That's Parliament Funkadelic,” Gary said when it ended, “I was seven when we went to see them… Legends.” He said reverently.

Turning to Secret he said, “You wanna be my god? Too late, I have gods already, Ziggy Stardust, Ozzy, Hendriks! You have a pantheon? Me too, can you face Dio? Shall I bring him forth?” He held Shai closer. “Any god that wants me to ‘give’ it one of my friends is no god for me. Poke around in my head some more, see if it's true, I’ll wait.”

While he was talking to Secret, Shai was busy rummaging in the treasure trove of Gary’s odds and ends that Secret and Thirp had turned up. “Gary, ye do have more of that music ye do call country in here, tis a box marked Gary’s guilty pleasures… ‘Boot Scootin Boogie’? ‘Achy Breaky-’...”

The box vanished from her hands before she could dig any deeper and find anything more embarrassing.

He tucked it away in the deepest parts of his mind and turned back just in time for the spice girls to scamper across the screen.

Shai was unironically enjoying ‘Wannabe’ and imitating the dance moves enthusiastically. “Ye have been holding out on me Gary. There be deeper wells o dance music in ye.”

In a ferocious whisper he threatened his otherworldly guests. “If she finds any of those Dance Crew movies I will kick you both out, the world can’t handle that right now.”

To his rapt mate he called “Shai, darling, the spice girls are musical junk food, don’t over indulge. Be sure to have your heavy metal after ok?” He cued up some classic Zeppelin to hopefully distract her.

“Who said you guys could rummage around in the first place?” He growled, “If I need to invent hip hop to keep Shai happy, I will not be happy… Ok I will be happy, but I will not be happy about it!” He stopped, scratched his head and thought for a minute. “No, I stand by that.”

The pair of them were clearly entertained. “You did not hide the eighties music videos Gary… they did not make much sense to us, but she seems interested.” Secret scolded him. He paled and spun to look.

She was watching Footloose, this was going to be ok. “Enjoying that my dear?” He called.

“Shush boy, this be good fer dancing indeed!”

He quietly set Footloose the movie up to play next, to keep her from getting nosey.

“All right, that should keep her distracted I hope. Why are you guys digging in my brain?”

Secret responded; “For secrets of course, what else?”

Thirp sang out; “I think he means what in particular we would be looking for. Though you did invite us into your soul, telling us to stay out of your mind is like telling us to stay off the furniture.” Thirp sang. “It’s more than a little insulting. These are common memories, important but you would be overjoyed to show us if we asked.”.

“Ok, that’s fair, just don’t make it weird… weirder.” He scratched his head, contemplating the nature of weird. “So what exactly are you looking for? Secrets from my old world are useless here, ask me and I’ll tell you anything.”

“Ahh,” Thirp cooed. “but this is a secret from your current world… just as confusing and foriegn to me I’m afraid. I am not much help in the search.”

“How do I know a secret from this world, and how do you not know it already?” He asked, bemused and irritated. “Secret, the god of secrets doesn’t know something, but my dumb ass does?”

“That is what we were trying to explain when you left.” Thirp sang with just a bit too much intensity. It was like being shouted at by… a thirty pound venomous jumping spider. It was its own whole thing.

“The secret is veiled from me because I cannot touch the living world. A human born in the world must accept me on faith, unknowing what form my blessing will take before I can see the riddle, never mind the answer.” Secret said, sounding put out. “Frankly, I had heard from the others that contract worshipers were obedient and respectful. Why is mine broken?”

“Lord Secret, he is broken in so many ways that I think we should just move on.” Thirp sang cheerily. “Let us be goal oriented, not having two worlds evaporate into the void would be nice. I have friends on one of them now.”

“Very well, Master Thirp shall instruct you in a magical inscription. When inscribed on a ring of silver and correctly enchanted it will allow a person to enter this place.” He paused to let that sink in.

Thirp continued on “Your task will be to find a person compatible with lord Secret and bring them here.”

“Wait, so if I brought someone here with the enchantment you are going to teach me… you could contract them regardless of whether they are orphans or whatever?”

“There's the rub, they must be compatible.” Secret sighed. “I have heard from Joy of your friend Liam, I would help, but he is not for me. It would require one of those terrible newfangled rituals to force him to accept and that needs blood ties.”

He snorted in a rather un-godlike way. “War, Order and Craft go in for that kind of brute force. The rest of us prefer the old ways.”

“Is that it? The new rituals? Could that be causing all this? Almost everyone seems to do it.” He asked, now suddenly sure why Joy, Healer, Beast and the Spirits had so few followers.

“It is part of the problem, War is all swollen and bloated, but can’t keep up with the demand anyway. Order has just been cranky since things went bad and Craft only cares about getting Contracts.”

Thirp sang into the conversation with liquid notes. “Ohh my yes, there is certainly an internal and external element, both are coordinated by parties unknown.” He bobbed until his hammock became slightly unstable.

“Something is collecting and merging etheric voids into larger and larger apertures, creating opportunities for true outsiders to enter your world. These are the ‘true monsters’ you have heard of but not yet seen. Such things should not exist on a healthy plane of reality, they stress the fabric of the world and warp it out of shape.”

“Is that why all those bozos were gathered around? Were those assholes just waiting at the wrong bus stop?” He asked, feeling sick.

His two guests conferred quietly for a moment. He caught Thirp playing a snippet of a song by the Hollies. “Ohh, bus stop… wet day, she’s there I say…”

Secret sang along, without rhythm or key.

“Yes, they are, as you say, a bunch of assholes standing at the wrong bus stop. We would like to close down the bus line and revoke their passes…”

He conferred again with Thirp. “Yes, that is the metaphor.” He nodded again. “Now friend Thirp please show him the enchantment we devised. He must get some actual sleep and miss Shai is about to finish her movie.”

Sure enough, the ending credits of Footloose were rolling and Shai was rocked back on her heels. “It be true, they did outlaw dance…? Madness!” She hugged Gary close. “I shall nae mock thee for thy foolishness”

He rocked her to and fro whispering; “It’s just a movie, movies aren't real. Mostly, almost always.”

He laughed long and cruelly, “That actually happened a couple times though, without the happy ending.” He gloated. “We have whole religions that outlaw dance and music.”

Stricken to her core she sagged against him. “Come boy, we must needs sleep this night, ye must finish yer time wi Muktar then we go hunt beasties fer a few days.” She grumbled into his collar. “We kinnae be here all night.”

“You heard the lady, Master Thirp, if you would be so kind as to show me your enchantment, we mere mortals will be off.”

It was a simple, but very, very odd arrangement of runes and required that the ring and enchantment be crafted by the same person, who would be forever bound to it. Not the sort of thing to leave lying around.

“Before you go Gary, ask your elders why there are no signs of your kind, even if your souls bypass Secret and go elsewhere, we should have found signs.” Thirp said, obviously concerned. “Our calculations indicate there should be several thousand entities like you roaming your world, yet Secret finds no indication of their existence in the last thousand years.”

“Well that is concerning.” He understated, before waving goodbye and heading in to go to bed. He followed Shai upstairs, eager to stop having weird meetings.

When they woke, downstairs in the reading nook Liam and Tawny were asleep on a sofa. Curled up together as close as they could be and yet not touch. It was heartbreaking.

They crept into the kitchen and Gary whispered; “What are the odds he makes journeyman before next year’s festival of War? How does advancement in the guild even work?”

“Tis a matter o the badges, an we do slay monsters and collet the bounties tis the badge that tracks. We shall see come the feast o the spirit o Water what luck we have. Tis the start o the adventure season.”

She smiled winningly. “Though wi ye we could hunt all the seasons. Tis largely a matter o shelter and warmth.”

“Lets see about getting started in earnest after War has his party then. That priest Gomez was an asshole, we wanna get all the way there with time to spare.”

“Aye tis a good thought, let us away that we nae wake them, they should be alone an sunrise comes, tis fitting.”

They crept away to find coffee and food.