When I woke up, I was in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar building, but thankfully Zari was there to stop me from panicking too much. Until I turned to look at my right arm that is, or at least where my right arm used to be.

It was completely gone below the elbow, the remaining stump tightly wrapped with bandages. I felt sick and light-headed when I first looked at it, and that feeling didn’t go away for a long time.

I threw up into a bucket that had been left beside the bed multiple times. Then I passed out, and woke up hours later only to repeat the process once I remembered what had happened to me. I don’t know if Zari stayed by my bed the whole time I was unconscious, I doubted she could given her position as a rook, but she was there both times I woke up to help calm me.

The second time I regained consciousness I was able to stay awake after the vomiting and Zari called in the doctor, who quickly rushed to my bedside. It wasn’t pretty, the panic causing me to hyperventilate and sweat like crazy, but the two were able to give me some cold water and calm me down.

I could vaguely recall the doctor, an older woman with sun-scorched skin and a seemingly permanent stern expression, telling me there was nothing they could do but amputate to avoid the venom spreading to my heart and that I was lucky to be alive. After my brain registered that, everything else became a blur.

My arm can’t be gone. This is just a nightmare. Quartz, maybe the whole day was just a nightmare. It can’t all end like this. Not yet. I tried to convince myself, but the pain was far too real for it all to be just a dream. Any mental gymnastics or trickery I tried to pull to avoid accepting the horrible truth would immediately collapse as soon as my gaze inevitably drifted back to what was left of my limb.

My arm was gone, and along with it any hope of survival in the Scorch. I couldn’t fight like a rook, I couldn’t even turn to mining with this kind of physical handicap. Those weren’t my only options for survival, but from my very first day out here I had been taught that the Scorch was a place where only the strong could survive, and even people who weren’t injured like I was now died all the time out here.

My days as a gunslinger were certainly over, and I likely didn’t have long for this world anymore. I couldn’t use my repeater with only one arm, so my only real lifeline out here was gone.

It was the only reason I had survived as long as I had in the horrific crystal hellscape, and now all it would really be good for was a walking stick.

This is it. I’m dead. I kept thinking to myself, staring blankly up at the ceiling for hours on end even as Zari and the doctor kept trying to talk to me.

What has all this even been for? All the money I’ve saved, the years of training myself against those horrible creatures, what was the point? I can’t even hold my gun properly now, let alone fire it. I’m useless.

Do I just leave? Make for Kenbry and at least try and face them head on? I could die in my hometown at least, that’s got to be better than my body being buried in the starsand, right?

No. That place stopped being my home when I left for the Scorch, I don’t deserve to ever go back after what I let happen. I deserve whatever death this place has in store for me.

The intense self-loathing only got worse once I remembered what had happened to Kate. I had failed her on top of everything else, all because I had decided to try and play the hero. My job was to protect her. Why didn’t I just take her and run as soon as the town came under attack?

Sure, there was no telling how many people would have died here, but was it worth trading my life for theirs? I was supposed to be a professional, but in the moment I had given in to the responsibility that my repeater forced upon me.

If I had just kept my distance from people like usual, not gotten too friendly with Kate, I would have ended up doing the smart thing and left Clearvein at the first sign of trouble.

Some part of me knew that was what I should have done. Following the advice that had kept me alive so many years. But in the end, I had thrown aside that advice and was as good as dead because of it. Not only myself, but probably Kate too.

I didn’t know what the mask wearing outlaws wanted with the researcher I had been starting to think of as a friend, but it couldn’t be anything good. I just had to hope that the rooks could mount a rescue mission, because I was certainly in no mental or physical condition to do so now.

Zari tried to talk to me about what had happened to the town a few times, but I kept telling her to leave me alone. A full day had passed since the attack, and I was sure things were hectic out there, but I couldn’t think about any of that.

All I could do was keep replaying things in my mind. From the moment I had met Kate, to the moment I had pulled the trigger and fired that rubyshot into the crystal serpent, I went over it all again and again and again, every single mistake I had made bringing me more and more pain.

I should have dodged faster. I should have fled Clearvein as soon as we dropped off Sean. I shouldn’t have taken Kate out to the site without scouting it out myself first. I should never have even accepted the job from her, or the job to defend the caravan in the first place.

If I had just chosen any other job that Barnabus had offered me, none of this would have happened. That was what I kept telling myself anyway.

“Cyrus? I need to run through some things with you and make sure you understand them. Are you listening?” The stern older doctor had returned to the small room I was resting in at some point, and I hadn’t even noticed.

When I didn’t reply, just continuing to stare upwards at the wooden ceiling, she actually kicked the flimsy bed I was resting on, making me jolt upright in shock. My right arm throbbed like crazy from the sudden motion, and I cried out.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” I shouted at her, meeting her stern eyes as warm tears started to trickle down my cheeks.

“You weren’t the only one injured in the attack, Cyrus.” The woman have me a hard stare before sighing, reaching into a small leather pouch at her side and retrieving a notebook. “We have plenty of other residents I’d like to focus my attention on now that you’re stable, and beds are in short supply.”

“Stable? How in the hell am I stable?!” I used my left arm to throw the bedsheets off me and gestured toward my bandaged stump.

“If the venom was going to kill you, you’d be dead already. We caught it in time, and now there’s nothing else I can do for you.” The doctor closed her eyes and shook her head as I stared at her incredulously.

“I don’t want to get the rooks in here, but we need the bed Cyrus. I’m sorry.”

“You’re kidding me, right?” I managed a choked laugh, waving what was left of my right arm around and immediately regretting it as pain raced through my entire body.

“You’re in no immediate danger, and we need-”

“I don’t care what you need!” I growled and grabbed the empty glass next to the bed with my left arm, viciously throwing it with as much strength as I could manage while the agony wracked my body.

I heard it shatter against one of the walls, but I didn’t watch for the doctor’s reaction. I instead laid back down and clenched my eyes shut, riding out the throbbing pain as well as I could.

“Fine then.” The doctor spoke calmly once again once a few seconds had passed.

I didn’t open my eyes, but I heard her leave the room, and a few minutes later, the door opened once again and someone else entered. I could guess who it was from the sound of armoured boots against wood, and my suspicions were confirmed once I heard her talk.

“Cyrus. I know this is tough for you right now, so-”

“Zari. If you tell me to get out of bed, I’m going to do something I’ll regret.” I growled.

“You can keep the bed for as long as you want. I’ll speak to Vera.”

“Vera?”

“The doctor who saved your life. The one you just got done shouting at and nearly hit with that glass.”

“As if I didn’t feel bad enough…” I groaned and opened my eyes, looking to Zari.

There were deep bags under her eyes, but she seemed to be doing a good job fighting off the exhaustion. Her eyes stayed firmly fixed on me, her expression hard to read. She didn’t look annoyed exactly, but I definitely got the sense she wasn’t happy having to waste her time in here dealing with me.

“I’m sorry, what’s going on out there?” I winced as I tried sitting up, the slightest of movements causing shooting pain to flood through stump.

“What? So now you’re ready to deal with the outside world?” Zari’s stern expression didn’t change.

“Not really, but what the hell. Can’t help anymore, but I’d rather know if more crystal creatures are on the way to finish the job.”

“Who says you can’t help?”

“Sorry, have you not seen this?” I winced as I pulled the sheets back more carefully this time, gesturing to my stump once again.

“A damn shame. But if you think that makes you useless, you’re wrong.” Zari nodded.

“Sure, I see a lot of one armed gunslingers working out here.” I sighed, not sure why the rook was bothering with me when there were clearly more pressing matters.

“You think that gun is the only reason you’re useful then?” Zari nodded toward the other side of the bed, where my ruby repeater rested along with my other belongings.

“Pretty much.” I winced as I forced myself to turn and look at the scuffed up barrel of the gun.

It was in need of cleaning and maintenance as it always did after a fight, but I couldn’t bring myself to even try. Knowing I could no longer wield the weapon, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to even hold it anymore.

“So if I just gave some fresh rook your repeater, they’d be as useful as you? They’d be able to save as many lives as you did in that attack yesterday?”

I paused in response to this, genuinely unsure of what Zari was trying to accomplish.

“What are you trying to say?” I just outright asked, not in the mood for any more of the questions and answers routine Zari was putting me through.

“You’re smart Cyrus, and you’re a survivor. Clearvein could use someone like you right now. I could use someone like you right now.” Zari sighed, her expression relaxing to one of genuine concern. “And I’m sure Kate could too.”

I felt more tears rolling down my cheeks, but these weren’t from the pain. Knowing that Zari felt she needed my help, knowing that maybe I could still somehow be useful to her, and do something to save Kate…

It was a small glimmer of hope, but one I grabbed and held on tight to. I had to take whatever I could get right now, otherwise I would only continue to drown in my own fears, regrets and nonstop self-loathing.

For the time being, I was alive, and I had a job to do. Protecting Clearvein and saving Kate.

I took a deep breath, doing my best to shove all the intrusive thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind, steeling myself the best I could before looking Zari in the eyes.

“Let’s get to work.”