《Pay me in Venison》26. The Joys of Constipation
Advertisement
The three elves counted seven different wolves going in and out of the den. They left in groups of two or three to hunt. They came back with meat from kills. There were probably two or three mothers about to give birth or who had already given birth.
The elves spread out in the trees surrounding the den entrance. They began to pick off the active wolves with arrows, one by one. In a day, all seven were dead, and we were seven gold pieces richer. Before they left, Cloud Eye started a large fire using charcoal at the mouth of the den and then felled a tree to block it. The tree would keep the remaining wolves inside, and the charcoal fire would exhaust all the good air in the den so the mothers and cubs would die of the sleeping asphyxiation. We didn't claim any credit for the wolves trapped inside the den since we had no proof we had killed them.
"Funny thing about those wolves," Cloud said that evening as we packed up to leave in the morning. "They were red wolves. I've never seen red wolves this far west before."
"How far west do they usually roam?" Cat asked.
"Osterius," Cloud rolled up a pair of stockings. "Red wolves don't like our drier climate. They like the big forests with the trees that lose their leaves every year. The blue wolves are the ones who like our evergreen forests and high plateaus."
The Goblin Queen had sent one of her hobgoblin soldiers with the horses. They called them horses, but from an elven perspective, they were ponies. If Motley Owl didn't use the stirrups, he could brush the ground with his toes.
It took a bit of maneuvering to get Cat on one of the horses. He was too short and not strong enough to mount on his own. Motley Owl finally walked over, picked Cat up, and put him in the saddle. Cat pouted for the rest of the morning. Owl sometimes forgets how touchy Cat is about being short and weak.
Advertisement
The hobgoblin was just a taller version of the goblin farmers but with a far worse personality. Our hobgoblin was called Tweed, and he was unpleasant, to be charitable. He wore leather scale armor and an iron helmet. He had a short sword hanging from a scabbard on his belt, and a round shield slung over his back. What one could see of his face reminded me of a potato, only colored green.
Tweed didn't like the black masks my hunting party wore that covered everything but the mouth. He also took an immediate dislike to Cat Rider. "Stinks like human excrement," Tweed would mutter every chance he could get, making sure he was within Cat's earshot.
That remark displeased me. Cougars have good noses; not as good as dogs, but certainly better than goblins. My boy smells like elven soap. Trust me on this. Tweed didn't even acknowledge I existed. I think he was convinced I was some kind of pet.
As we left the hospitable goblins of Cedar Stands, Wren rode up alongside me, since I didn't get a horse. "Look, Fuzzy," Wren pointed back at the palisade of the village while wearing an evil grin. "They took your decoration suggestion." I turned to look. Several goblins were using their magic to make every pole in the palisade a different color.
"Petel sent a message to all the neighboring villages telling them about this," Wren chortled in a most sinister manner. "Whoever knew what a great influence you would have on goblin aesthetics, Fuzz." Wren was greatly amused by this.
We passed through three villages before we stopped for the night at the fourth. The village head escorted us to the guest house and ushered us in. Owl and Cloud started to lead the horses around back. Just as I was putting my paw on the front step, a boot lifted my chin and pushed me backward.
Advertisement
"Animals stay in the shed," Tweed declared.
Everyone froze as I tumbled backward. I picked myself up, out of the dirt, and shook the dust off. I sat down and took a deep breath. Then I let it out slowly. I relaxed my shoulders and looked at the hobgoblin with a death wish.
"Fuzzy! No!" Cat shouted.
I sprang and took Tweed down, a paw on each shoulder.
* My hunting party has five members: three fighters and two mages. I am the second mage, and I like sleeping on mattresses. * I stepped over him as I walked inside. There were no more incidents like that one, but Tweed's attitude didn't change.
By the end of the second day, I was out of patience with the ill-behaved hobgoblin. I cast the healing spell to cure constipation on Tweed when we stopped for the night in another small goblin village. I'm sure it was not a nice thing to do, but whoever said I had to be nice to people who insulted my boy as frequently as breathing?
Tweed had the runs so badly by morning that we had to leave without him. It was such a shame. We cheerfully took his map and the road pass and went on our merry way. For the rest of the day, Cat kept giving me these suspicious looks. I can't imagine why. I was doing my best to appear completely innocent.
I found the goblin kingdom to be a pleasant place. The little green people with round heads were peaceful farmers. Once they got over their initial caution, they were friendly. They liked that we were here to hunt down dangerous animals. The only downside I could see was their terrible taste in decoration which only got worse the closer we came to Kizdangengar.
In the larger towns, the houses got taller, where every outside wall and every story was a different color. So a four-sided two-story house would host eight different colors, with contrasting shutters, of course. I also noticed one other strangeness about the colors of goblin buildings: they never used green.
Advertisement
- In Serial2399 Chapters
I Might Be A Fake Cultivator
On modern-day Earth, An Lin seems to have been abandoned by God.
8 506 - In Serial58 Chapters
Apocalypse at Mighty Max
God sold us out and the world ended... well, sort of. God may have sold us, or at least, our universe but our world didn't end. Instead, the new owners decided to play, and we all know what that means: Monsters, a System, Magic, Cultivation, and, of course, two new moons! Thanks for reading! I appreciate the interest. This is a rough draft and is intended to flesh out some ideas for a novel that I had. Maybe figure out if I want to do this author thing, you know? If you want immediately OP MCs, fights every chapter, a harem, this is not the story for you. Sorry about that. If you're willing to put up with a long growth curve, an MC that doesn't know what he's doing most of the time but is trying his best both to survive and to help his friends survive, you might enjoy the story. I'm just trying to have fun, maybe create something that in a second draft I can sell on the eBook market. If you're not into that, not into providing helpful comments for revisions, hey, that's cool, but do us both a favor and stop reading now. ** Oh, release schedule For the first weeks, I'll be releasing a chapter (1800-3000 words) a day. Following that, I'll be releasing whenever the mood strikes me. If I get some feedback, the mood might strike me more often, hint! hint!
8 205 - In Serial10 Chapters
The God Cheese Chase
“It was the race of the century. Millions upon millions of participants lined up at the thousand miles long starting line. The tension and excitement permeated the air like a thick miasma. Even I was affected. Who am I you say?Why I am the world’s greatest adventurer. I have slain demons and gods, conquered the hardest dungeons, scaled the tallest mountains, and braved even the hottest deserts. They call me the devourer of the hidden, discoverer of secrets, and the destroyer of the unknown. For my name is Charles Brie, the only man who shall win this race!”After my grand monolog, my crew looked at me with awe.“Captain,” My first mate sighed. “We truly pity you and your delusions of grandeur.”And with that, the race that would decide the fate of all began. (Cover art by DanP)
8 148 - In Serial7 Chapters
Birth of A Death God
After a tragic death, Theo found himself in a fantasy world where mages, knights and demi-humans exist. However, just like in the previous world, he does not have the luxury nor the chance to live a peaceful life. Why? He is a slave---even bullied by other slaves. However, he refused to give in to this pitiful life and thus walked the road of vengeance and death(?)
8 143 - In Serial41 Chapters
Gun To My Head, Stake To My Heart
Special Agent Amelia was the best of the best at the CIA. She got sent on the most dangerous missions and ALWAYS got the job done. She never bat an eye when having to seduce targets to acquire the necessary info.Her boss has sent her on a mission which he deems to be the most important case she will ever have. Easy right? Well, that's what Amelia thought before she got sucked into those captivating emerald eyes and a war between two species.Will Amelia be able to rise to the task? Will she be able to be with the person who claimed her heart or will she put her mission above her heart?Read to find out more
8 155 - In Serial12 Chapters
Fortnite Girls Diapered!
Calamity Starts diapering all the girls of fortnite.
8 166

