My badassery lasted until I hit the bottom of the ramp. I groaned at the intricate patterns of webbing covering the floor, walls, and ceiling of the passage.

“Spiders. Why did it have to be spiders?”

You might be wondering why someone my size was bothered by a few little web-dwellers. Well, I can tell you why. Because they always jump out at you when you least expect it. The way they move is creepy as shit. They have a million eyes. And they drink their prey alive by injecting acid into the bodies! What other reason do you need?

I decided to live the rest of my life with Bommy and the safe room above. It would be hard without anyone to talk to except Bart, but I’d make it work. I could probably train Bommy to play fetch with all the bones laying around. Roll over might be a stretch as it would likely crush itself to death in the attempt. I turned to retreat, and walked straight into a wall that mashed my nose flat. Reeling, I clutched at the damage. Thankfully I’d not built up any momentum otherwise the slight abrasion to the tip could instead have been another break. And anyone who’s broken their nose can tell you, that shit stings. The resetting is no picnic either, let alone the blood that flows in both directions.

Ok, so I was procrastinating. So what? It was that or face the fact I needed to head into the second level of the dungeon.

“Nope.”

My adapted lifestyle now revolved around hunkering by the sealed exit, eating grilled rat tails and talking to my ratling companion forever. It wasn’t such a bad life when you thought about it. A lot of people had it far worse.

I thought of Honey. Then Cris. Then Mrs Atkins.

“Damnit!”

This was no place to test an adventurer’s mettle. This was a torture chamber created by the most tortuous torturer who ever studied torture at torture university. My torch was waving madly from my trembling hand. My uncooperative feet shuffled forward slowly towards the nearest web.

“Wait a minute!”

I had minions now. A whole bunch of them. Slipping Rat Swarm into my quick slot, I cast the spell. A series of holes appeared in the solid stone at my feet and I could hear the patter of claws.

The rats poured out and flooded forward.

Straight into the web.

Where they became stuck fast.

“Moron,” I muttered.

Their efforts to free themselves only succeeded in getting their fur more tightly entangled amidst the sticky strands. I watched the vibrations ripple down the webbing and my mouth ran as dry as the Sahara Desert. There was no excited reply to the movement this time, only a corresponding flutter from the end of the passage. These things didn’t have vocal chords. Just fangs. And stingers. And legs. So many legs. It appeared as I knew it would and all my old phobias screamed in abject horror. The bulbous abdomen would reach to my belt if I let it anywhere near me. Its massive fangs quivered with excitement as it stared at me with multifaceted eyes.

If I’d had a route to escape, I’d have run for my life. Without that luxury I had to think quick. The huge arachnid approached without hurry; it knew I had nowhere to go. My rodent army was food for the taking. I was loathe to let them fall to the spider, but I needed time to plan. In my fear addled state, I seemed to lose track of the fact I had a malevolent weapon swinging from my left hand. All I could feel was the plunge of the stinger and the slow cocooning of my paralysed body ready for consumption at the monster’s leisure. I watched as the thick, hairy legs navigated its silky construction between the snapping mouths of the rats.

“They’re not real…” I whispered to myself when it completely ignored them.

The rats were only mana. Magic. A short lived creation from a spell. The spider only had eyes for me. Real meat.

“Get back!” I shrieked, jabbing the torch towards it. My weakened hand lost its grip and the torch fell into the web. The effect was instantaneous. The fine threads ignited, a blanket of fire raced back down the tunnel as it was incinerated. The fuel burned itself out so quickly that my rats were only slightly singed. Freed from their constraints, those that could scurried all over the spider and started to attack. Their teeth worked at the joints of the legs, the eyes, the soft underbelly. The joy of impending victory evaporated along with the summons as they became a cloud of crackling blue smoke.

“Shiiiiiiiit,” I groaned, now alone with my worst fear.

I backed away, twirling my mace weakly in a panic. The webspinner skittered forward, readying to pounce. I cried out, my entire body shivering as a frigid wave of icy terror washed over it. The hairs on my arms stood on end as my skin mottled with gooseflesh. Words can’t describe how close my heart came to exploding out through my chest as its fangs closed in.

“Fuck off!” I shrilled, grabbing one of the forelegs as it fell upon me and smashing the end of my flail’s thighbone into the dribbling mouth.

The slavering maw was filled with smaller, but no less vile fangs that bit down on the bone. Its free legs struck at me while the rest tried to push forward and pin me against the wall. Once I was trapped like that, it would be all over, so I planted my feet and pushed back. The quasi-insect’s back legs twisted with each other and it fell onto the bulbous abdomen. As I wrestled with the front legs, I booted that fucker’s body as hard as I could and felt something crunch. The toe of my shoe came into view covered in green goo, so I drove my foot into the damaged area with my adrenaline spiked strength. This time my whole foot disappeared into the gory hole. In the space of five seconds, the creature’s health bar dropped like a stone as it tried in vain to shuck me off. Its animal-like shrieks weakened as the emerald lifeblood and guts spilled all over the ground. With a final shuddering spasm, it died in my arms, leaving the passage eerily empty after the chaos. It took almost a minute before my brain could convince my hands to loosen their grip and let the spider’s corpse drop. I let out a trembling breath as my nerves slowly settled. Some hero I was turning out to be, and this was the only the heavily borked tutorial!

I leaned back against the cold stone. The smell of the burned webbing caught in my nostrils, like boiled vinegar mixed with sour milk. I hadn’t had the sense to pull up the stats as the monster had scurried towards me, so I activated the bestiary tab.

Name – Webspinner

Description – An eight-legged-freak out of nightmares. The basic arachnid soldier will protect the hive with its life.

Can cause status effects – Poison. Paralysis.

Weakness – Fire ???

Immunities – Poison

So burning again? I could do that.

Corpse – Webspinner (Lvl 3)

I looted the body, checking over the contents.

Item – Spider Venom Sac (common)

Type – Weapon augmentation

Description – A potent toxin drawn from the glands of the arachnid. What does it do? Put some on your tongue and find out.

Requirements – Int 6 Wis 4 Weapon augmentation (Level 1)

Effect – ???

Misc - ???

I knew the comment about tasting it was just the aliens being facetious. In many games, however, I’d gladly consume everything from flower petals to fly’s wings and worse to unlock their secrets.

“Why not?” I asked, eating some directly from the inventory. I thought it tasted awfully bitter for a moment before realising it didn’t taste of anything at all.

“Ish no’ sho ba…” I slurred as all sensation fled my mouth and the room started to spin. I hit the deck like a sack of shit, bashing my face against the wall. As the toxin worked its way deeper into my immune system, I downed a health potion to counteract the pain that suddenly erupted in my gut like an undercooked sausage at a barbecue. Unsurprisingly, the question marks revealed themselves to be something obvious.

Effect – Causes poison and paralysis to biological enemy

Misc – Can be applied directly to weapons for short duration buff

???

As I lay in a dribbling heap, I took the opportunity to work through the other items.

Item – Spider Leg (common)

Type – Consumable

Description – One of the many legs that propel the monstrosities towards you. Cook well to remove the fur. You don’t want that in your teeth

Requirements – Str 3 Dex 3 Int 3

Effect – ???

Misc - ???

No thanks, I thought, stashing them away. My ability to move came back initially with my vocal chords issuing a low groan. I then moved on to grunting as many swear words as I could until they sounded passable. My fingertips started to tingle, and the sensation slowly spread throughout my body. After five minutes, I was able to sit up against the wall. I spent another five lamenting my stupidity and the fact this wasn’t Elder Scrolls. Eventually, I was able to stand and move under my own steam. The fine ash of the web swirled around my feet as I moved on. To my eternal relief, the welcome blue hue of a safe room appeared on my minimap. My inadvertent arson had burned the web all the way past the door.

“Let me in!” I ordered as it came into view.

It swung open and I jumped inside, slamming it closed. I wasn’t bothered by the transformation this time, I just ran for the bed and dived on it. Wrapping myself tightly in the snug duvet, I pictured the spider’s victims and quickly unravelled myself. I’d come awfully close to being one of them.

Many more still waited in the dark passages outside.

But I was safe for a time, and that was enough.

Laying back on the pillow, I reached out with my hand, imagining Cris was beside me. I prayed with all my being that she was doing well. The thought of her in pain caused a dull ache in my chest.

“Get a grip. You’ve only known her for a few hours.”

It didn’t matter. I felt like a lovesick teenager. She was quirky, funny, and gorgeous. In other words, she was perfect. I needed to know how she was.

“Bart?”

“Yes, Mark?”

“How’s Cris?”

“You know I can’t answer that.”

“I can pay you with a few coppers?”

“I appreciate the offer, but the answer is still no.”

“You’re no fun,” I muttered, deciding against throwing one of the pillows at him.

“How can I help you, Mark?”

“You can have a word with the bigwigs and tell them to get rid of the bloody spiders is what you can do!”

Bart chuckled. “I’m afraid the tutorial is fully implemented and can’t be changed.”

“I knew you were going to say that. Do you have any bug spray for sale?”

“I’m not a vendor,” he said apologetically, opening his jacket to reveal its empty nature.

“Where can I find one then?”

“In the other worlds. Not in here.”

“I thought we were supposed to be buddies?”

“We are.”

I sighed, kicked my legs off, and climbed from the bed. “This is harder than I could’ve imagined. I really thought I’d be up for it.”

“It wasn’t designed to be easy, Mark. If you don’t mind my saying, you’re doing really well.”

“Did you see me freeze up out there? If I hadn’t dropped the torch I’d be spider food right now. It nearly bloody had me!”

“There’s nothing wrong with a little luck now and again.”

“Luck won’t always keep me alive though.”

“Probably not. That’s why you ended up kicking it to death.”

“That seemed to work,” I agreed.

“Are you hungry? Thirsty? Can I get you anything?”

“Not really. I’m just a little overwhelmed if I’m honest.”

“Why?”

“With what I’ve been through, I guess. My body’s living it, but my mind’s still trying to deny the impossible things I’ve seen and done. Like, I can still feel the coarse hair of the webspinner’s legs on my hands, but my head says it all must be some fucked up dream.”

“That’s another benefit of doing the tutorial. You can adjust and acclimatise to your new reality before ever setting foot in the more dangerous worlds.”

I scoffed in disbelief. “This isn’t dangerous enough?”

“It’s as dangerous as it needs to be,” Bart replied.

“Ok, Mr Miyagi. Enough with the mystic zen shit. Wax on, wax off. Wax my ballsack. It’s giving me a fucking headache.”

“You have healing potions, yes?”

“It was a figure of speech.”

“Pardon?”

“It means I’m getting frustrated. I don’t have an actual headache.”

“I see.”

“I thought your species had studied us? You sure picked up our sarcasm fast enough.”

Bart grinned at this. “Oh, yes! That was one of the most interesting aspects of your race. Your casual disdain for literal speech. We aren’t like that, as I’m sure you can appreciate. If I could suffer with a headache, I would only ever say it if it was directly afflicting me. You humans are certainly a funny race.”

“Can we add up all the jokes ever told and call it even between us?”

“If it were up to me, I’d gather all of your Seinfelds, Friends, Family Guy, and scoot out of here.”

“But it’s not.”

Bart shook his head.

“I don’t think I can face going back out there just yet.”

“Then don’t. Rest. Relax. Eat. Drink. And when you’re ready, the dungeon will be too.”

“I might just take your advice.” I plonked myself down in one of the luxuriously comfortable chairs facing the fire. Its collected warmth leeched into my back, soothing the tired muscles. I watched the creep of flames as they curled around the burning logs. I’d always loved just sitting and watching a fire. It was a primal thing, I guess. The provider of warmth and life for our species’ entire existence. My lids felt really heavy all of a sudden.

“Sleep well, Mark Craig of Earth,” said Bart.

I closed my eyes and was out like a light.