When I finally came to, the fact I was still alive didn’t immediately register. I was a mass of cuts, bruises, and missing digits. Looking around with my eye that wasn’t mashed shut, I found myself in the middle of a nest. The ratling baby was asleep on my chest, except his status had changed.

Companion Gained – Ratling (Infant)

Description – The offspring of a Rat Matriarch. Requires milk to survive.

He was also double the size he had been when I passed out. I heard faint snuffling nearby and turned my head. The abomination was asleep right next to me. Shock trapped the scream in my throat before it could erupt and trigger a violent response. I felt a weight on my legs and looked down to see one of the regrown tails draped over them like a lover’s arm. There was a faint sheen to my miraculously clean, though heavily wounded body. Had the thing groomed me? I felt a bubble of disgust welling up from deep inside.

What the hell had happened?

I returned the sleeping ratling to my pack and considered my predicament. A single movement and the abomination would feel it. I surveyed myself as much as I could from my paralysed position. My blood encrusted hands consisted of three remaining fingers and two thumbs. The throbbing pain that pulsed with each beat of my heart was indescribable. I was a mass of bruises from waist to neck, not to mention what lay hidden by my trousers. My head itself felt like a balloon blown up well past its limit. Lambasting myself for my continued stupidity, I popped a healing potion. This wasn’t real life. There was no ambulance ride and a long stay in hospital after a good kicking outside a pub I was minding on Friday night. I can confirm that hurts. A lot. I was a big guy and that made me a target. On all but three occasions when I’d watched doors for a little extra cash, I’d managed to talk my way out of trouble. Twice I had to do something I didn’t want to do. And on the third, I was outmatched by four drunks who used me like a human football after waiting for me at my car.

Morphine was good. Really good. But the stuff in these potions made it look as welcome as a cactus suppository. Could you imagine how utterly surreal it felt to lay there and watch your fingers growing back like bloody flowers? The budding bone, the crimson streamers crawling up the newly grown phalanges which knitted itself first into tendons, then flesh, then skin. My fingernails appeared with little pops, perfectly manicured. Someone had stuck a screwdriver into the air release valve on my rattled bonce. Little by little the pressure subsided and my eye suddenly sprang open like a yanked blind. In the space of a few seconds, I was completely… well, complete.

My thoughts turned to what next? I’d definitely been asleep for more than an hour because the disease debuff had gone. I didn’t even want to imagine what I’d looked like as it took hold of my body.

I cautiously turned my head again and started directly into two dozen open, blinking eyes. This time I couldn’t suppress a yelp as I threw myself from the nest. The monster made no attempt to intercept me as I backed away. I activated its status to check, but it still held the blue of non-hostility, even friendly. The information was largely the same as before except for one change.

Name – Rat Abomination

Description – Holy shit! We have no idea! When you have a thousand generations of cannibalism and inbreeding, you still wouldn’t get anything half as ugly as this mofo.

Weakness – Family

Immunities – Disease

That was one of the most bizarre things I’d seen in terms of enemy weakness in my life. It was normally made up of things like fire (for obvious reasons), frost, poison, falling from a great height, nuclear explosion, you name it. But family? I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, though. Caring for the baby had saved my life.

The huge creature struggled to its feet, shuffled sideways, and plonked itself down in the middle of the depression I’d recently vacated at speed. The mouths started to squeak and chitter, but as I said before I was no Dr Dolittle.

“I can’t understand you. Sorry.”

Even though I was ignorant of its attempts at communication, my words seemed to sink in and it fell quiet. Looking around the room, I could see I was in a small antechamber directly linked to the boss room. My torches still hissed and sputtered on the floor outside. They really were timeless.

“I’m going to leave now.”

The abomination just cocked its heads at me as I cautiously sidestepped away. It was a shame that I’d not been able to score the loot from the fight, but Bart’s line about ‘there’s a price to pay, but you won’t know what it is’ outweighed my regret. I rounded up my torches and looked for a way to go. There were only the two exits, one the way I’d entered, and one into the nest. I could see no way to make it to the next level.

“What gives?”

A helpful golden arrow appeared on my HUD. I followed its direction which changed with the angle of my head. It pointed diagonally upwards.

“The altar?”

It flashed, as if to say; yes, you dunce!

“Ok, fine.”

I climbed the steps, moving carefully around the scattered bones of previous victims. Sitting neatly in the centre of the destroyed cage was a chest. It seemed to be made from black stone, likely marble judging by the beautiful white swirls of the embedded impurities. An alien language was written all over the outside in golden filigree.

“For me?”

The arrow vanished after a final, emphatic jab.

“For an icon, you’re a stroppy twat, aren’t you?”

There was no obvious clasp to release, so I reached for the lid. Without even lifting it, the chest sprung open and piercing golden light burst forth.

“Better than a mimic chest,” I gasped in awe, shielding my eyes.

That was actually a sound point. I’d fallen prey to the many-toothed bastards too many times in games and would need to be on my guard. Today, however, all was rosy.

You’ve received – Boss Loot Box (Bronze)

It automatically transferred to my inventory. The chest itself crumbled to a fine black powder which dissipated through the steel base. My feeble attempt to kill the abomination had failed, but I’d still been given the reward. A third door rumbled open with a calamitous grinding of stone on stone which set my teeth on edge. At least I had my way forward.

Amidst the insanity of the past few… hours? Days? I had no idea how long I’d been unconscious. Anyway, I’d neglected to keep an eye on my notifications. My achievements tab was flashing at me so I cracked it open and recoiled at the flood of updates.

Achievement Unlocked – Companion Collector

Description – You’ve found your first companion! We’ll leave aside how you got it. Cough – mother killer – cough. It’s your responsibility now. Dad.

Reward – Companion support kit

Achievement Unlocked – Dungeon Complete – Lair of the Rats

Description – You’ve completed the first tutorial dungeon. Good work! (That’s not sarcasm)

Reward – Basic Loot Box (Bronze)

Achievement Unlocked – Slayer of the Abomination

Description – You have defeated the Rat Abomination boss.

Reward – Perk – Minor resist disease

Achievement Unlocked – The Pen is Mightier than the Sword

Description – You’ve used your human wits to defeat an enemy without physical violence. (Not all enemies and bosses are susceptible to this approach. Use caution.)

Reward - + 1 to Wisdom

When I shut them all down, I was momentarily caught up in the most euphoric flood of emotions I’d experienced in a very long time. My business had been going down the toilet. My only anchor amidst the storm of life was a yellow Labrador. I took careful stock of the situation.

I’d been ready for death.

It never came.

I’d accepted the new reality and offered myself up for what amounted to a sacrifice to a race of beings from another dimension.

And on top of all that, I’d actually made it safely(ish) to the end of the first trial.

This was my moment to celebrate! Maybe I wasn’t such a loser after all?

I turned my attention to the loot and cracked open the basic box.

Item – Adventurer’s Garb (common)

Type – Clothing (set)

Description – A full set of basic clothing. Nothing fancy, but it does the job.

Requirements – Str 1 Dex 1

Effect – None

Misc - None

I threw that shit on immediately. My rank shoes and crusted slacks disappeared, replaced by sturdy moccasins and an airy black cotton trousers with a cord for a belt. My new shirt was of a similar colour, the billowing look reminding me of Cary Elwes in The Princess Bride. I just lacked the acting talent, the mask, the looks, and the sword. I can’t tell you how good it was to finally be out of the stinking clothes and actually have my body fully covered for the first time in hours. Guns out at the park or on the beach? No problemo. In a filthy, subterranean dungeon filled with unimaginable horrors? Mucho problemo.

There was one box left to open and I was actually nervous about what I might find. In real games, the discovery of a pile of crap from a boss fight was one grind away from being forgotten. This was my one and only proper prize before I moved on to the next area.

“It’s not going to open itself,” I said, trying to summon the courage to throw the lid back as it floated in my vision.

“Do it!” I snapped and the box complied.

Item – Rat Swarm (Level 1) (common)

Type – Spell

Description – Call forth a rodent army to gnaw through your foes. May only attack ground based enemies or flying enemies which land.

Requirements – Int 6

Effect – Causes piercing and bleed damage to enemies. Low chance to cause disease debuff.

Misc – Strength of swarm increased by level

Item – Flail of the Rat Prince (rare)

Type – Weapon (1 hand/dual wield)

Description – When bandits attacked the caravan of Queen Kamadra, they murdered everyone without mercy. Everyone, that is, apart her child, Aleksi. Their evil knew no bounds and they threw him, crib and all, into the foetid waters of the River Stench. So named because it carried the waste products of a dozen towns, cities, and fortresses along its route to the distant ocean. Unseen by the bandits were the black creatures lurking in the shadows on the riverbank, whiskers quivering in anticipation. It was these vermin that swam out and claimed their prize. Driven by an unknowable instinct, the skulking monsters carried the crib into their lair instead of tearing it to pieces. The Rat King looked upon the baby, and claimed him as his own. Two decades passed as the boy grew into a man, feral and merciless. The Rat King, his minions everywhere, had kept track of the bandits who were now settled in their homesteads, fat, lazy, and old. One by one they were killed and devoured by the prince and his siblings, until the leader fell and vengeance had finally been delivered. Crackfang, the King’s chief shaman, fused the leg, spine, and skull of the leader into the weapon you now wield.

Requirements – Str 4 dex 4

Effect – Crushing damage.

Misc – Aura of Fear. Low level humanoid enemies can sense the sheer evil that went into the creation of the flail. They may be overcome with terror and flee.

Crushing damage increased by Str.

I held out the weapon and did my best not to grimace. It was repulsive. The vertebrae were linked by an unhealthy purple glow between each bone that bound them together as firmly as any hammer-forged chain. I swung it from the femur handle which had been filed to match my grip perfectly just above where it would join the knee. The worst part was the skull which formed the ‘head’ of the flail. Small horns sprouted from the smooth bone, making me question the race of the bandit leader. The jaw was missing and I wondered if it was amongst the piles scattered throughout the dungeon floor. I quickly finished my examination and found the same malevolent magic held the skull to its swinging spinal column.

My only concern was the viability of the hideous weapon. I tried my best to pull the vertebrae apart, but it was useless. Standing awkwardly on the thighbone while yanking on the cranium fared no better. I then swung the thing as hard as I could at the altar repeatedly, and all that happened was the stone cracked. I’d expected the skull to shatter into a hundred pieces if I’m honest.

I stowed my yellow handled dagger and swapped the weapon to my dominant hand. My arm felt a radiating chill from the flail which was disconcerting to say the least.

With torch and new loot in hand, I bade farewell to Bommy the Abomination and made for the newly created door. I’m only telling you this as we’re friends now, but as I stood there in the lair of my not-quite-killed foe, weapon in hand, black ensemble fluttering, I felt like a complete badass. I was ready to take on the world.

I moved into the darkness and descended the ramp to the next level.