I found myself at the end of a long passage that resembled one of the many castles I’d visited. Layers of large limestone blocks and mortar. I checked behind me and it was solid stone as I’d expected. There would be no scuttling back into the killer room even if I’d wanted to. Torches burned in iron sconces, throwing pools of weak orange light onto the damp walls. Water was trickling in places to form small pools on the flagstones. Mineral deposits from years of runoff glittered on the walls. Being below ground, I reached out and took one of the torches. As soon as my fingers touched the handle, the flame was doused and it disappeared.

“What the hell?”

Item – Torch (common)

Type – Weapon/utility

Description – A stick topped with wrapped cloth, dipped in resin.

Requirements – None

Effect – Illuminates the dark corners of your fevered imagination. Is that something hiding in the shadows? Now you can know for sure before you get eaten.

Can be used to ignite combustibles.

Misc – Add Lime and Sulphur to prevent extinguishing in water.

“Well, ok. I’m getting the hang of this.”

A new tab was flashing that hadn’t been visible before. It was for new achievements. These things were really going all out on the immersion.

Achievement Unlocked – Enter a dungeon.

Description – You’ve picked your first trial! Way to go! Now you just have to survive the never-ending threats contained within them. Only kidding. There are some safe areas. You just have to find them.

Reward – None. You’re one step closer to saving humanity. Isn’t that enough?

There was a second.

Achievement Unlocked – Loot your first item

Description – You’ve worked out how to use your hands to pick things up! There’s no stopping you now!

Reward – The item you just looted. We’re not made of rewards.

“That’s a bit stingy.”

I opened the inventory to look for my torch and found a new gift that had escaped my attention. After slipping it on, I was no longer completely naked, just mostly naked.

Item – Adventurer’s Loincloth (common)

Type – Clothing

Description – A black loincloth

Requirements – Str 1, Dex 1

Effect – Hide’s one’s modesty from the creatures of the dungeon. They don’t want to see that thing! Lol.

Misc - None

The bastards had the capability to listen in and recall my exchange with Cris in the arcade. I had to move on with the assumption that everything was available to them, memory, history, and day to day activities. I was an open book, their tentacles turning my pages at a whim. I wasn’t sure why, but this really pissed me off. I hadn’t done much to be ashamed of, but what sort of person doesn’t have a few secrets? Some unkind words or thoughts conjured unbidden and immediately regretted. A few events that they wish they could have a second chance to relive. I was also concerned at their bizarre behavioural change. They had arrived as merciless, humourless conquerors, and now they were throwing out sarcasm bombs like they were at the Universal Sarcasm Awards on Planet Sarc in the Sarcastic System.

“What’s the deal with that?” I called.

My voice echoed away down the passage and I stumbled back in fear when a chittering shriek answered.

“There goes that twenty percent down to ten,” I groaned. “Think before you act, moron!”

I activated the torch and waited. With the game now in play, I increased the visibility of my HUD. The mini-map was mostly obscured by the fog of war. A small, revealed circle around my dot showed the straight passage and nothing else. I listened harder and could just make out the skittering of claws on stone. From the distant junction, a pair of dark furred creatures appeared. As they scurried towards me, their presence was marked on the periphery of the map with two red dots.

I backed up against the stone which was frigid and moist against my skin. The torch was wavering as my hand trembled. It wasn’t that I hated rats, it was more that I was scared of rats that were five times the size of their normal kin. Their eyes were twin spots of glowing red hatred. Saliva dripped from their cracked, yellow fangs. Their black fur was slick and crusted with filth.

“Who’s a good rat then?” I cooed as they picked up speed.

I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t a violent person by nature unless it was forced upon me. I’d assumed I could switch off my morality in the same way I did when I was hacking apart pixelated critters in any one of a hundred games that sat on my hard drive. Now that I was face to face with what seemed to be living, breathing creatures, it wasn’t that easy. I jabbed out with the torch which managed to keep them at bay within the narrowness of the passage.

“Think!”

I tried. What came to mind was even more terrifying than the rats.

“My health!”

I waved the flame back and forth while concentrating on my flashing point health pool. The bar was now filled with red I almost collapsed with relief.

One of the rodents made a play for me but got a blazing tip to the snout for its trouble. It pawed at the injury while its companion tried unsuccessfully to sneak past.

Where was their health? My question triggered its immediate appearance over their bulky forms. The one I’d burned had just under half remaining which made no sense from a bit of light blistering and burned whiskers. It renewed its attack and I lashed out with my bare foot, catching it a glancing blow. The thing squealed shrilly as it slammed against the wall. My guard dropped as it fell to the ground, shuddered in its death throes, and curled into a corpse ball. Its friend darted in and nipped at my calf. The dirty incisors had none of the problems my teeth had in the previous room and pierced through effortlessly. I screamed in a most unwarriorlike way and batted at its flank with the torch. Two blows was enough to see its health vanish and it curled into the same form as the other corpse.

Status Effect – Bleed (training)

Description – You have been wounded by an enemy. Use a healing cloth to bind the wound (A clean one, we don’t want infections) or use a salve or potion. In the real worlds, this effect will be far more severe.

Duration – 1 minute.

“Damnit,” I hissed, looking at the ragged punctures from which my blood trickled freely. I had neither cloth, nor healing ability, so I would need to suffer the loss on top of the points already taken by the bite. I double checked, and my pool was sitting at over ninety five percent. This was most definitely a training area if a half torn off muscle could be brushed off with such small cost. I noticed a glowing droplet of blood flashing on my HUD next to the red bar, so at least I would know when I’d been given something nasty. I sat on the ground and laid the torch aside. Putting pressure on the wound did nothing to stymie the bleeding which confirmed real world solutions may not transfer to the game world. It had said healing cloth, whatever that meant. As the bleeding effect reached the minute mark it took a tiny sliver of health, shrinking my bar slightly.

Status Effect – Ended

I was injured and I’d only just set foot in the place, which bode slightly less favourably than a snowball in hell. My ten percent survival chance deleted the zero.

I was in pain and bloody miserable.

I missed Honey and Cris. I missed Marmite on toast.

I missed Mrs Atkins’ slightly pervasive aroma of stagnant wee.

This was only the tutorial dungeon for god’s sake! What possible hope did I have against necromancers and goblin kings? Beneath my sticky, blood saturated hands, I felt something give. Pulling them away, the holes were slowly closing of their own accord. The drizzle of claret slowed and then stopped completely. I felt the agonising throb abate second by second as the skin reformed while I stared at it open-mouthed.

“What on earth?”

I probed at the unscarred calf with my bloodied fingers, expecting lingering pain or at the very least severe subdermal bruising. Nothing. Tentatively rotating my foot and flexing, I knew there had to be something remaining of the damage. There wasn’t. It felt as good as new. I pulled up the health bar and it directed me to the constitution stat.

Constitution – A player’s constitution dictates many factors. Among these is resilience to contact status effects, stamina, increases to health pool value at level-up, regeneration, and others.

There was a secondary tab to give more information, but I’d seen the word I was looking for. Regeneration. Suddenly, my melancholy fell away and I felt almost normal. I could afford to slip up and learn from the mistake rather than face a doom laden gong and the words Game Over manifesting on my dying vision in bold red typeface. Knowing that, I still made a vow to make as few mistakes as possible and not put that brief surge of excitement to the ultimate test. I was not immortal. I doubt if the rodent had fastened its teeth on my neck I’d have been sat there with a cheesy grin on my face. In fact, I doubt I would’ve even had a face as the creatures peeled it away to feed their young. I felt very naked in my loincloth and wondered where the first armour drops might be.

Looking at the two corpses, I was still nauseated at having killed them, but I needed to move past that. And fast. It was kill or be killed.

Climbing to my knees, I reached out towards the bodies.

Corpse – Ratling (Level 1)

I ignored the loot function and tried the bestiary.

Name – Ratling

Description – The smallest and weakest of the dungeon dwellers. They’re life’s garbage disposal units, gnawing their way through our leftovers. Now they’re eager to gnaw through you! Larger variants carry a taint in their bites. Keep them at arm’s length!

Weakness – Fire.

Immunities – Disease.

That explained the charred snout’s excessive damage. I wondered if there was a way to check for vulnerabilities in the enemies before summoning them with a mistimed yell. Something to consider before the next encounter. Because of the proximity of the bodies, the loot was collectible from a single icon. Another thing about my normal playstyle is that I’m a loot hoarder. I picked up everything, no matter how random or mundane and I held on to that shit come hell or high water. I saw no evidence in my inventory or loot descriptions that indicated the items held weight. In the real world I was torn between realism and the aggravation weight limits brought to the game. I wanted every dragon bone I could carry goddamnit!

Item – Ratling tail (common)

Type – Consumable

Description – Delicious after grilling. Like a crunchy meat stick with middling chance of disease surviving the heat.

Requirements – None. Chow down!

Effect – Restores HP over time.

Misc – May cause disease.

They went in the pack untouched.

Item – Ratling fur (common)

Type – Crafting

Description – Can be made into snazzy black loincloths for the discerning adventurer.

Requirements – Crafting (1)

Effect – Cosy Crotch. Comfort increased by eight percent.

Misc – May cause disease. Down there. It itches. Then falls off. Or in if you’re a lady.

I looked in horror at my underpants and quickly dropped them. Checking the item description of my briefs again, it made no mention of their nefarious origin. It just said common loincloth.

“I’ll chance it.”

I pulled them back up and I’d be damned if I didn’t feel eight percent more cosy. The final item awaited.

Item – Minor Healing Potion (common)

Type – Consumable

Description – A tonic created by the fae of the Nightwillow cult. Tastes like arse but it gets the job done. Combine to increase potency.

Requirements – None

Effect – Heals HP

Misc – Stank breath for ten minutes. Troll females find this irresistible.

That potion, halitosis or not, went straight into the quick slot bar. The skinless, tailless corpses looked even more pitiable and I quickly walked past the red mess.

So far I’d killed two rats and almost lost a leg.

This was going to be a long tutorial.