If anyone had told me that I’d be sad on the evening of my highschool-graduation, I’d have laughed at them. Why would I be sad about not having to go to school, after all, school sucked, right?

Now, after a fancy lunch with the family, I was sitting in my bedroom, staring at my computer-screen, not sure what to do. School had, in many ways, given me direction and purpose, go to classes, get good grades and study, simple enough. Now, that was gone, leaving me unsure what to do next. There was higher education, going to University, to get a good job, later in life. But did I really want to go down that path? If so, what should I study? My grades had been reasonably good, especially in maths, but not outstanding. Those grades would get me into quite a few Universities, at least as long as I didn’t apply for one of the numerically restricted courses, something like medicine and the like.

Something unrestricted, like the many engineering disciplines, those were easily doable, and what I had replied when asked what I was planning to do. There was even a written application on my drive, just waiting for a final read-through, that should get me into those courses. But did I really want to go there? Did I really want to get into University, study another five years, if I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life? Assuming I would be able to complete a course with seriously hard maths, without my better half, my twin-brother, with me, who had been helping me with maths-classes the whole time?

Arthur, said twin, was the one who had somehow ended up with a double-ration of brains when they had been handed out, especially when it came to all things maths. He loved that stuff, and luckily had the ability to explain it, and was destined for great things, at least in my opinion. But where he was going, I wouldn’t be able to follow. Not that I really wanted to, I had a reasonably firm grip on my limits and Computer Science at one of the best Universities in the world was definitely outside of them.

But if I didn’t continue on, studying at a University, what else would I do? Look for an apprenticeship to learn a trade? But what sort of trade? I wasn’t especially good with my hands and my interest to spend my life maintaining the lifestyle of others was non-existent.

Where did that leave me? It was a question I had worried about for the last year, what did I want to do with my life? Follow the path of my father, study engineering and later get into teaching? It was what I had used as a default, but was it what I wanted? Or did I want to follow the path my mother had taken and get into research and academia? It was less appealing to me, simply because I was lacking that spark of curiosity, that relentless drive to understanding and knowledge my mother had. She could be almost manic in her intensity, neglecting to eat and sleep if she was gripped by her work. While my brother and I ranked above her work in her priorities, it wasn’t by a lot.

None of the paths I could see truly appealed to me, leaving me with a conundrum, a decision that would affect the rest of my life.

Booting up the computer, I quickly opened a file I had made, almost a year before, trying to solve that conundrum logically. There, I had made a list of things I was good at, things I enjoyed and things I felt would allow me to live a comfortable lifestyle. I felt that the best solution would tick all three boxes. For example, I loved the outdoors and had been horseback-riding for a few years, making me quite good at it. But not good enough to snag one of the extremely limited jobs in the field, not in a million years. Ditto, when it came to football, or soccer as some people called it, I loved to play and in our local club, I was one of the better players. But the idea to play professionally was absolutely ludicrous, I had neither the ability nor dedication to get there.

There were a lot of similar things on that list, things I enjoyed but that didn’t tick the other boxes, nothing that managed to get all three. Which left me with the, in my opinion, mandatory boxes, the combination of ability to do a thing and getting a job with it. But did I really want to get into a career I didn’t love, hoping that it would get better with time? Realistically, it was what many people did, get into a career because, at the end of the day, money made the world go round.

I was still staring at the screen, even if there was now music running in the background, when my brother strolled into the room.

“Hey sis.” he greeted me, a smile on his face. Looking over to him, I had to grin as well. It was as if someone had used some game’s character-creator and just flipped the sex, leaving all other settings as they were. We both had almost the same height, with him standing just two centimetres taller than me, at one-metre seventy-eight, both had the same, wavy, dirty-blonde hair, which we both currently wore at shoulder-length, the same jaw-line, sharp nose and the same, green-blue eyes.

“Everything okay? The twin-signals you were sending out were awfully loud.” he asked, both concern and amusement in his voice. It brought a true smile to my face, the simple fact that he was here and trying to help enough to lighten up my day.

“Same old.” I admitted. He was the only one who I had told about my struggle to chart a course for my future, that I was merely defaulting to engineering because it seemed the right thing to do, even if my enthusiasm for it was mostly feigned, seeing it as the best of the bad options.

“Same old, same old. Are you thinking about joining the military again?” he asked, getting a chuckle in return. It was something I had seriously considered, at least for some time. Enlisting for a few years would give me structure and maybe the time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life but at the end of the day, I wasn’t too keen on the idea of getting shot at. Certainly not for policies I didn’t believe in.

“No, not really.” I replied, leaning back while he plonked down on another chair, studying me.

“You know, Dani, maybe you don’t need to solve your problem right now.” he suggested, making me straighten up, looking at him intently.

“Take a year off, go backpacking or something. Nobody says that you need to figure out what to do with your life right now, right here.” he explained, making the gears in my head start to turn.

“But where would I go?” I asked, while considering the idea. It wasn’t a totally new one, the idea to take a gap-year was one that quite a few people took and one I had considered but I hadn’t been sure how to explain it to my parents. Both of them loved their jobs and telling them I wanted to essentially take a year-long vacation didn’t sit right with me.

“Wherever you want. Walk the Camino de Santiago or take a bike and follow the Via Romea.” he chuckled, before his voice turned a little more serious. “The journey is not about the destination. It’s about the way you take to get there.” he continued, as if quoting someone.

“Who said that?” I snorted, the idea intriguing me to no end.

“Obviously, I did.” he replied, a grin on his face. “But I’m not the first one to voice the sentiment, of that I’m sure.” he admitted, as if he had come up with profound wisdom. Which, in a way, he might have, at least it felt profound to me.

Now I just had to convince our parents to let me go on that journey, even if it meant explaining to my father that I wasn’t as enthusiastic about engineering as I had purported to be. Hopefully, he wouldn’t be too disappointed.