I knew the class would be bad. I knew it and yet I still went. I didn’t have to! I could have said I was sick or something. I felt sick but I knew it was probably just unhappiness eating away at me. We spent the entire class talking about the importance of openness and communication within the crew and how important it was for the Captain to stay impartial. It was so hard to join in the discussion when I spent the whole time wanting to hit someone. I knew that was important, obviously. That’s why I couldn’t be with Cas.

We were so dumb back then. We had no idea what was going to happen. We should have just gotten together then and then at least we would have had more time together. We know that now. Now that it’s too late.

The entire session felt like a punch to the gut. Every single time I looked at him, he was looking back at me and every single time he smiled at me sadly and I wanted to cry. As soon as the Commander dismissed us I basically ran from the room, so happy to finally be free from it. I lunged at the service hatch, thankfully remembering the code Cas had typed in earlier and ran along it as far as I could before giving up and sitting down. My head dropped into my hands and I clutched at my hair in frustration.

I just needed to pull myself together and stop thinking about Cas. Then, I could go for dinner and I could talk to him without wanting to cry or kiss him. It was manageable.

“I could drop out.” Cas’ voice came from next to me.

I had been so absorbed in my unhappiness and annoyance that I hadn’t even noticed him walk up to me. I glanced behind him to check if the rest of the crew was there too but it was just him. I sighed in relief and tried to smile up at him but it felt weird on my lips.

He sat down next to me, his shoulder bumping against mine.

“I could. You could replace me fairly easily.”

“I don’t want to, Cas.”

“I don’t want you to either but…” He trailed off with a shrug.

“Do you really want to leave the crew?”

I waited anxiously for his answer which he seemed to be thinking carefully. My eyes scanned his face, noting the crease in between his eyebrows that appeared when he was concentrating and the small scar on the right side of his right chin.

“No. But it might be easier than this.”

I stared down at my hands. He had a point.

Maybe I was being selfish but I couldn’t stop myself from muttering, “I don’t want to replace you.”

My hands dropped to the floor at my side, so close to Cas’. He reached out with his little finger and laced it through mine.

“I don’t want you to either. I don’t want to leave the crew, I just wanted to give you the option.”

I nodded, my throat feeling tight.

“It’s not an option. We need you.”

“But it wouldn’t be hard to find a secondary pilot who’s also an engineer.”

His finger gripped mine harder, his self doubt obvious.

“That’s not all you are, Cas. You help keep us together. We need you. Do you not want to be on this crew?” I tried to tease but it came out sounding like a genuine question.

“Of course I do! I love you all. But… this is going to be hard, especially with sessions like Crew Dynamics and Crew Relationships.” He laughed ruefully, his other hand coming up to rub the back of his neck.

I smiled at him but it faltered and dropped too soon.

“We can do this. It’s for the good of the crew.” He nudged me with his shoulder.

“For the good of the crew,” I repeated dutifully. “This way we can all stay safe and together.”

He nodded.

Maybe it would have been better if he had left the crew. He wouldn’t be involved in this all and he’d be safe. Or maybe we’d all be safe. If Cas hadn’t been involved in this then maybe his dad wouldn’t have been so cruel. But we’d never have been able to save so many people or even save Gem. I know it’s wrong but I glad he was a part of this. At least this way I got to spend more time with him. He made the crew better. He made us all better.

“So… how do we do this? Stay together but not… together?”

“I don’t know. We need to not do things like this I guess.” I laughed quietly, looking down at our joined hands.

Cas looked down too but he didn't pull away.

“Okay. What else? I mean, I’ve had a crush on you pretty much from the beginning so I don’t know how I’m meant to interact with you like I’m not in… Like I don’t have…” He trailed off.

I bit my lip to stop myself from saying what I wanted to say.

“Me too,” I said finally.

“So… how do we stop that? Do we have to, like, date other people?” He sounded so unsure and that made my heart feel like it was going to shatter.

I nodded, unable to speak.

“Okay.”

His hand pulled away from mine and I resisted for just a moment before letting him go.

“For the good of the crew,” I muttered.

“So, obviously we can’t go straight to get mods, right?” Cory asked as he sat on Gem’s bed after dinner staring at his screen.

“No, it seemed like Commander Taury was saying that our first few flights are monitored quite closely and then after about three flights if we have no problems they stop monitoring them as closely,” Peggy said as she checked her notes.

“Could I not just hack the ship so they think we are going somewhere but actually we go to the mods person?” Cas suggested, reclining back on the empty bed next to Cory.

Not in his normal place next to me.

I tried not to think about it too much, this was what we had agreed upon after all, but it was still tough. My eyes kept sliding over to him but he was never looking back at me. He normally was. He normally glanced at me most of the time he made a joke but I don’t think he’d looked at me all evening.

“No! Definitely not! That’s the quickest way to get us banned from flying!” Peg looked aghast.

“We’ll need to hack the ship a little when we go to get mods, Peg.”

“Yes, but that’s once they’ve stopped monitoring us as closely! They’ll check flight plans, docking records, GPS on the ship, everything! It’s too risky to do that straight away!”

“Okay, okay!” Cas said, holding his palms up in surrender. “So, where should we go first? On planet or off?”

“Off.” I voted, glaring at the duvet.

“Alright, you heard her. Our Captain has decided we are going off-planet. Who wants to go where?” Cas joked, trying too hard to be positive.

“You know Sarania has a really nice botanical garden.” Peg mused as she swiped on her screen.

“Boring! Not for our first flight! I want to go somewhere with good food.” Gem insisted.

“I’m up for that!” Cas agreed immediately.

“Okay… there’s a place on Soliris that apparently has good noodles?” Peg looked up at us.

“Nah,” I said and the rest of the crew agreed with me.

There were places on this planet that did good noodles, our first flight had to be better than that.

“Okay… how about a place off Distarus that does good pasta?”

“I feel like we can do better?” Gem answered, leaning forwards stare at Peggy’s screen too.

“I’ve found it! There’s an Earth themed place that has a buffet tomorrow evening. There’s a review here that described their mac and cheese as ‘decadent’. Oh, and apparently they have real chocolate!” She swooned back against the bed with a wistful sigh.

“Yes! Perfect Peg! I want decadent mac and cheese!” Gem bounced with excitement.

I smiled without looking up. It did sound good but I just wasn't in the mood to be happy.

Peggy continued talking about the food choices at the restaurant but I couldn’t bring myself to feel any excitement. I felt Cas’ eyes on me finally and looked up, meeting his gaze. He smiled at me sadly which I returned before looking away, a lump forming in my throat, and catching Gem watching us, with her eyes narrowed as they flicked between us.

“That sounds great. You know what else sounds great? A girl’s night!” Gem said, glancing somewhat pointedly at Peggy and then Cas and me.

“Oh? That sounds good! It’s been way too long!” Peggy said immediately and far too enthusiastically.

It had been under a week since the last girls night. I knew what they were trying to do straight away and barely suppressed a sigh.

“Okay, shall we head back to our room now, Cas? It feels like we haven’t been there in a while.” Cory smiled gently at Cas who returned the smile distractedly.

I watched them leave, Cory kissing Gem on the way out and Cas glancing back at me before going, and then slumped back onto the bed. There was a pause whilst the other two listened to the boys’ footsteps to make sure they were out of hearing range.

“Okay so, what happened?” Gem asked.

My shoulders dropped. I knew this was coming but I still tried to avoid the conversation. I didn’t want to talk about it, I just wanted to wallow.

“What do you mean?” I said without looking up, still fixated on picking at a loose thread I’d found on the edge of the duvet cover.

I saw Gem rolled her eyes dramatically out of the corner of my eyes.

“You left so quick after Crew Dynamics and Cas followed you. He’s looked sad ever since and you’ve barely spoken, that isn’t like either of you. What happened?” Gem summarised annoyingly adeptly.

“Did anyone ever tell you that you pay too much attention?” I tried to distract them again.

“Yes. Many times. Come on, what’s happened?” She smiled at me supportively.

“I told Cas we couldn’t be together. Ever.” I sighed.

There was a moment when I thought it wouldn’t be too bad before Gem exploded.

“What? Why would you do that?”

“Because of what Commander Leo was saying, right?” Peg asked sympathetically.

I nodded, picking angrily at the sleeve of my jumpsuit. A thread was sticking out of it and my fingers worked to break it.

“That’s dumb. Dating Cas wouldn’t change how you command the ship. You're better than that!” Gem argued.

“It might. Could you send Cory into a dangerous situation without worrying a bunch?” I asked glaring at the loose thread that was clinging on too hard.

“Well, no.” She paused. “Could you?”

I thought about it for a minute.

“I’d worry but if it would be worth it, I could I think.”

Gem nodded thoughtfully. “I still think that’s nik though.”

“It is.” I agreed.

“If he makes you happy, would it not be worth it?” Peg asked quietly.

I frowned, going back to picking at the thread I’d almost got free. “I don’t know.”

“I get it. I mean Cory makes me happy but I don’t know if I could risk not being part of this crew. We’re the reason we almost weren’t able to do it anyway. I guess you just need to work out what’s more important to you?”

I shrugged, finally breaking the thread but feeling no satisfaction.

“I guess I already have.”

Gem pulled a can of fizz out from under her bed and came to sit next to me, handing me the drink.

“I get that. This crew means more to me than anything. I mean, I love Cory so much but working with y’all makes me so happy.”

I opened it and took a long sip, the drink tasting as bitter as I was feeling even though I knew it should have tasted sweet.

“Cory makes you happy too though?” Peg asked, interested.

“Happier than I thought possible.” A smile lit up her face. “It’s more than that though, he always encourages me to keep trying. Like, when we applied for the crew and I suggested I drop out so you could still make the crew without me but he convinced me to stay and speak to the Director. I know it sounds so dumb but I think he helped me realise I deserve to be happier?”

I ignored the clench in my chest. It was a cruel mixture of jealousy and longing. That’s how Cas made me feel but I couldn’t be with him.

“Good. You do deserve to be happy Gem.”

Peggy nodded too.

“Yeah but so do you.” Gem leant her head on my shoulder.

I sighed and leant my head on hers,

“I love you both.”

Peggy sat on the end of my bed and smiled at us. “We love you too.”

Gem reached under the bed and pulled out a bag of crisps, handing them silently to me. I started eating then paused.

“Wait… Did you hide food under my bed?

“I hid food under all of our beds. Especially the empty ones.” She said unapologetically, taking a handful of crisps too.

I smiled before continuing to eat in silence.

“So, what’s it like dating Cory?” Peggy asked after some time.

“It sounds kind of silly but I love it. I just really like that I get to spend time with someone I love and that I get to see him every day. He’s always supporting me and makes me want to try harder, you know? I know we’re only, like, 15 but I honestly can’t imagine being with anyone else. And he’s hot.” Gem blushed.

Peggy considered this as she chewed the crisps.

“I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that about someone.”

Gem shrugged. “Some people don’t, I think. Do you want to?”

“Sometimes. Like, sometimes I’ll look at you and Cory or like Aries and Cas and think it would be nice to have someone too but I don’t know. I’ve never really looked at another person like that. Maybe I should try it.” Peggy trailed off.

“I could help set you up with someone if you’d like?” Gem offered.

“Okay!”

“What kind of person are you looking for? Does gender matter?”

“Mmm… I don’t know really! I just want someone who’s nice to me, I guess?”

“Okay cool! There’s a girl in my Advanced Weapons class who you’d be great with! Remember I told you about that girl who took apart the pulse rifle and reassembled it in under twenty seconds?”

“Umm… I think so?” Peggy looked at me for support but I just shrugged at her, knowing that we’d be unable to stop Gem once she got this excited.

“Oh, y’all would be so great together! She’s super smart too! Okay, I’ll ping her now—” Gem broke off suddenly, looking at me guiltily. “Sorry. I forgot... This probably isn’t the best thing to talk about right now.”

“No, no it’s fine.” I lied.

“Would it help if I found you someone to date too?” Gem asked sympathetically. “It might help you get your mind off Cas.”

I shrugged, noncommittally.

“Okay! What kind of person do you want?”

This time I looked at Peggy for support.

“Ummm… someone nice, right Aries?” She answered uncertainly for me.

“Yeah…” I said flatly, unable to fake my enthusiasm.

“Okay. Someone nice… I can find someone nice.” Gem said, narrowing her eyes in concentration.

I didn’t answer and started picking at a scab on my hand distractedly.

“Do you want to date a guy or a girl?” She asked, scrolling through her contacts.

My brow furrowed.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, are you attracted to guys or girls?” Gem asked with a laugh.

“I don’t know. I’d never really felt that way about anyone before… It’s only ever been him…” I trailed off dumbly, not wanting to finish that sentence.

I saw Gem and Peg look at each other but looked back at my hand before they caught me looking. They seemed to be having a heated silent argument.

“You should just be with him!” Gem burst.

I sighed.

“I know. But I can’t.”

“That sucks,” Peg said, giving Gem a look to try and shut her up.

“Yeah, I guess you just need some space and time to get over it?”

“Mmm.”

“That’s probably why he sat with Crew 267 at dinner, not us, right?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t think he’d leave us for them, would he?” Peg asked uncertainly.

My heart thudded as I thought about it. I know now that he wouldn’t but back then, it felt like an actual possibility.

“He wouldn’t! We all know he wouldn’t! He’s part of our crew. He wouldn't leave us!”

“I guess.”

“But… 267 are poachers. They’d offer him anything.”

“He wouldn’t leave us!” Gem repeated, certain. “He was just trying to get some space. Their old dormmate is part of that crew, he probably just wanted to talk to him.”

I chewed my lip. That makes sense. He did seem like he was just chatting. Although the crew were laughing a lot. Too much really. At basically everything he said. It did seem like they were trying to butter him up. Or flirt. I didn’t know which was worse really.

“Oh, that makes sense?” Peg said, unconvinced.

“Yeah, he kind of seemed like he was just flirting with them.” Gem said, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.

I mumbled in agreement. I knew he was flirting, he was making them laugh a lot.

“Exactly! Plus the girl next to him kept checking him out! I’m sure it was just to try and get over you… Or to make you jealous…” Gem said, leaning her head against my shoulder.

I frowned, my stomach clenching. Cas flirting with other people was almost as bad as him being poached even if it was just to make me jealous, which didn't sound right. Maybe it was worse. I didn’t know. At least if he was poached I wouldn't have to see him every day but if he stayed on the crew I would. I’d have to see him date and fall in love whilst I was stuck, unable to fall in love with anyone else. Alone forever whilst my friends and Cas could date and get married. No one wants to date a Captain. I’d be away more often than not, I’d never see them. Plus, there wasn’t anyone else I could imagine being with so I was destined to be alone.

“This is horrible.” I sighed. “But it’s for the good of the crew. Romantic relationships with the Captain of the ship are never a good idea. That’s what the Commander said.”

I scowled at the bag of crisps in front of me and shoved another handful into my mouth.

Peg put her hand briefly on my leg before asking, “What can we do? Do you want to talk about it or do something else?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really want to do anything but there’s no point talking about it, there’s no solution.” I said glumly.

I saw Gem start to open her mouth before closing it again as if deciding against what she was going to say and instead, she jumped up.

“Oh! I know!”

She rushed over to her bed and grabbed a screen, typing on it intently as she sunk down onto the bed.

Peg looked back at me. “Should we be concerned?”

I watched Gem for a minute whilst she continued to type, her eyes narrowed in concentration.

“Probably. Gem, is this allowed?” I asked.

“It’s fine.” She said without looking up.

I raised my eyebrow at Peggy who shrugged back at me, leaving me to decide what to do. ‘It’s fine’ wasn’t a yes or a no, it was more like an ‘it’s illegal but we probably won’t get into trouble for it’. I didn’t want to do anything about it really, Gem was smart, she wouldn’t get us in too much trouble. I continued to watch her as she finished typing and smiled triumphantly. She dropped her screen on her bed then came to sit next to me again, still smiling.

We waited for her to explain what she was doing but she didn’t.

“Are you not even going to tell us what you just did?” Peg asked after it became clear she wasn’t planning to.

“Nope.” Gem smiled wider.

“That’s concerning.”

I nodded in agreement and started picking at the scab on my hand again which had started to bleed lightly again.

Gem turned on the screen on the wall and began flicking through the channels absentmindedly. The noise washed over me and I tried really hard to stop myself from thinking about Cas but it was impossible. Gem talking about Cory hit me harder than I let on. I completely understood what she meant, I just couldn’t imagine being with anyone else either. I tried. I tried thinking about what it would be like to date someone else, someone not on our crew, someone safer.

Once we graduated, we would be in the air more often than not so I’d probably only have to see them a couple of times a week, if not less. Maybe that would be manageable? But… I’d still have to see Cas every day. My feelings for him would never go away. He’d probably be dating someone else too, someone who could be with him without it being a problem. They might even get married. Have kids.

My stomach clenched at the thought, torn wildly between wanting to be with him and wanting him to be happy. I blinked hard to clear my head and stared at the screen, trying desperately to concentrate on the medical drama Gem had put on. She only watched it when Cory wasn’t here, he never said anything but you could tell he hated how unrealistic it was. Gem once told us that his hand would twitch unconsciously every time they did something dumb. It was sweet that he still watched it with her if she wanted but that she didn’t really make him do that because she knew he didn’t like it. Cas did sweet things like that for me too. Like all the times he’d stayed awake with me or messaging me because I couldn’t sleep. And how he always grabbed an extra bagel in the morning for me because he knew they were my favourite and that I always pick up less food than I actually want for breakfast because I’m never that hungry until I start eating. I love the dimple he got every morning when he slid the plate across the table to me. And that faraway look he gets when he talks about our flight plans. Tears started to well up in my eyes as I realised that I might have ruined all of that, that I might have changed things so irreversibly between us.

The door beeped, jolting me out of my thoughts.

“Great timing! I was so bored by this nik on the screens. It is not a good episode, just a dumb rerun.” Gem jumped up to greet the servBot that was waiting outside the door.

“Why’s a servBot here?” Peg asked suspiciously, putting her book down to glare at Gem.

“I know we just had dinner but you barely ate and I thought some snacks might be nice.” She grinned cheekily at us and typed in the code on the servBot.

The hatch opened releasing a waft of cheese and fried food. My mouth watered as the smell drifted over to me. It smelt so good.

“Gem! That’s definitely not allowed!” Peg protested.

“It’s fine, people do it all the time.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Some do!”

Peggy looked at me uncertainly before squeezing her lips together and helping Gem unload the food onto one of the spare beds, despite looking unhappy about it.

My stomach growled loudly even though I’d eaten less than an hour ago.

“What did it bring?”

“I got our favourite classic Earth foods! I love that they do different planet themed food each week. Earth is definitely my favourite but some of those Solaria breads are so good!” Gem opened the dishes with a flourish.

She loaded up a plate of what she knew were my favourite foods and brought it to me with a smile.

“This won’t fix everything but it should at least make you happy for a little bit.”

“Thanks, Gem,” I said quietly.

“Any excuse to hack something.” She replied with a wink. “Plus, that’s not all.”

I looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

Peggy groaned. “What else have you done?”

Gem smiled triumphantly.

“Booked out the gym for later. We’re playing two versus one capture the flag in Zero-G.”

A smile started to appear on my face. Gods, I loved playing capture the flag in Zero-Gravity. It always got so violent and fun.

“One condition,” I said as I chewed the mac and cheese thoughtfully.

Gem grinned back at me. “What?”

“It’s me and Peggy attacking you.”

Her eyes narrowed playfully as she bit into her bread. “Oh, you’re so on. I’m going to destroy both of you.”