1.11.1

Dell Finds the Well

Astrid spent the evening journaling as many details as she could into the blank tome Keeper Alethea gifted her. She wanted to record as much as she could, as being introduced to so much in such a short time left her overwhelmed and fearful she’d lose the little nuances that colored her new life. As much as she longed to share her discoveries with letters to her old friends, she feared what her freedom would cost them.

Like her own deprival of music and movies, she didn’t want to share the pain of learning how much she and her fellow Channelers missed in their isolation. So, for now, she kept the greatest wonders of her new perspective to herself, in a secretive and precious account.

She trained hard under the supervision of her teammates to make up for her inexperience.

And whenever she could carve out some time, she still worked the lanterns down in the hold.

The Aldebaran sped toward its next point. And once clarified that she’d be participating in a partnership operation with Rue, Astrid floundered, feeling immensely underprepared.

The trooper said nothing to her while she toiled. Rue tweaked her new mods and stomped around the deck. So, Astrid buried herself in her task, channeling the lights back and forth again while her mind wandered.

Astrid grew accustomed to her new colleagues, but their easy patter and companionship with one another left her envious.

Even when Dell came down from the Tech Lab to visit with Romo, she watched how the men moved, so comfortable with one another. Non-competitive, even tranquil, as they passed datapads and tossed theories about the opposition they pursued.

She was lost, vaguely wondering what Channelers could do if allowed such familiarity with each other’s energy, when Dell stopped at her table to appraise her forlorn expression.

“Someone run over your cat?”

Astrid blinked herself back to reality. “What?”

“You just look… sad.”

Without further deliberation he sat down. Light flickered on one side of Dell’s face, then the other, as Astrid resumed her push-and-pull practice.

“I’m adjusting,” she tried. “Just can’t seem to learn fast enough, you know?”

“Believe it or not, I understand.”

The more she worked the energy flow through her, the more open she felt.

Like a faucet constantly running, sometimes she herself felt like part of the current. As though she might slip away from her own vessel completely without a bond.

“Is there anything I can do?” Dell asked when she didn’t respond. “I can help you get your hands on some tools if you think it might be useful. Or, you know, if you want to talk?”

“I appreciate that. It seems you’re kept pretty busy.”

“I’m not all that busy. I just spend all my extra time in the lab when I can. Don’t get to go groundside too often. We’re still a team, though.”

Half of Astrid’s mouth lifted in a melancholy smile.

“Any tips on how to get in?”

She slid her eyes to where Rue barricaded herself in the opposite corner, surrounded by boxes and lockers like a fort.

“You’re doing fine. Romo likes you. Anders, too. And Tenya’s practically ecstatic to have another woman around engaged in more than just the work. Though…”

He gestured to Astrid’s project, as if realizing himself the contradictory conditions.

“There’s just a lot of pressure,” Astrid defended.

“Yeah… I don’t think that’s going away.”

“Does it get easier?”

“Not really. You just get better at it.”

Astrid sighed.

“Look, I realize I don’t know much about your people, but… maybe this subdued attitude might be why you’re struggling to connect?”

Astrid’s ashen brows knitted together. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we learn a lot about people by what gets them going, you know? For Romo, that’s fighting. For Tenya, it’s conversation, emotional engagement. For Rue, it’s challenge.”

“And for Anders?” Astrid couldn’t help but wonder.

“Leading. He doesn’t see it yet because he’s content to serve his position as third-in-command, but he’s going to be an outstanding officer someday. He’s a natural. More than that, he cares, and people respond well to that.”

“And you? What gets you going?”

“I don’t know… it’s always a little harder to see yourself clearly, I guess?”

“You get quiet, too,” Astrid pointed out. “No one seems to think that’s weird.”

“Well, my solitude doesn’t affect what I bring to the table, though,” Dell retorted. “Yours does. So, what is it? What gets you riled?”

“I…” Astrid watched the light travel from one set of fingertips to the other. But anymore it felt like an ambling walk. An exercise without purpose or destination. “I don’t know. I tried so long to feel nothing…”

“Okay,” Dell set the datapad in his hands aside, and tried again. “Well, when was the last time you felt something? Like, really felt it? It doesn’t have to be a good memory.”

“When I left Endra, I guess. I was scared. I still kind of am. But it almost felt like no choice at all. If it had to be someone, it needed to me before anyone else. Just in case.”

Dell contemplated her answer for a long moment.

“So, you’re protective. But that was still a somewhat calm situation. It was choice, so you were in control. Is there any other time that came out? Something… intense? Something that stirred your abilities.”

Gi.

As quiet stretched between them, Astrid recalled the last time she produced any kind of fierce power.

“Someone was taken away from me several years ago. A dear friend. It made him a threat, I guess. So, the Guardians sent him away. Somewhere I’d never see him again.”

Even as she said it, Astrid felt her chest tighten.

Here she was, she thought to herself, free, and still unable to reach out to him or know how he fared. Further from the prospect of reunion than ever before. Even if he wanted, she’d become part of the outside world. Untouchable, unreachable, exiled.

“What happened?” Dell pressed. “The last time you saw him?”

“I don’t want to feel that…” Astrid closed her eyes and drew a shaky breath.

“Because they told you that you shouldn’t.” A warm hand settled over hers and held it to the table. Unabashed, and brave, yet another person touched her skin and anchored her. “But try.”

Behind her lids Astrid saw a boy’s frightened face. How worried he’d been. Not for himself, but for her.

She’d cried. She’d screamed, and the lights around them shook with her anguish. The Guardians held Gi back while she was dragged off, and the pulsar frequency hit her.

He’d been far enough away to be spared the worst of its affects, but he’d been as tormented as she, unable to help her. Powerless, mere children, at the mercy of their circumstances.

Every time she remembered his torn expression in the last fleeting glimpse they’d stolen of each other, it made the whole of her ache. If she’d known it to be the last time, would she have fought harder?

She told herself in the years since it couldn’t possibly have changed anything. Fighting it could have only made it worse.

There remained no possible path she could have taken that would’ve altered what followed. And that sorrow, that frustration, all boiled until tears pooled behind clenched eyelids.

“They took him. It was my fault, but they took him,” she bit out. “Because we dared to have a friendship. Because we felt too much. They took him and shoved me in a room until I could feel nothing anymore.”

She could feel her voice grow tight and watery.

“And every time that I cared after, even to look after the little ones, I made sure the Guardians couldn’t see. That I loved them, that I’d kill for them! Because they’d do it again. They’d take me away if they knew. I couldn’t let them do it again! I won’t!”

“Astrid.” Dell’s voice came a soft whisper. “Hold on to that. That determination, that anger. You got it?”

“Yes,” her pain answered, filled to the brim.

“Open your eyes.”

Garish light bloomed over both pupils. Light in the left, light in the right, and a matching glow of a crystal radiating from Astrid’s chest. All three, bright and alive with her emotion, illuminated Dell’s gentle smile across the table.

And between them, he held her hands in his.

“Look,” he goaded softly. “No contact.”

Astrid blinked through her tears. She tried to hold onto the feeling as long as she could. But behind Dell, the glowing faces of Tenya and Romo also appeared, drawn to the light.

With surprise swirled in the mix, the power dimmed, until finally her own crystal faded to normal.

The lanterns dulled, but remained, indicating she’d successfully left a charge in both mid-channel.

“You did it…” Tenya breathed. “Holy crap! Dell, you’re a genius! What did you do?”

“I know a little something about repressed feelings.” He kept his friendly eyes on Astrid and released her fingers. “Now you know the trick.”

“No, you gotta keep working with her! You’re the perfect coach. Plus, you have all those… gizmos!” Tenya grinned. “This is so exciting!”

Astrid bowed her head, embarrassed by the celebration of such a small victory.

“Maybe,” Dell finally agreed. “But the more you let yourself feel things, Astrid, the more resolution you’ll find with them. It isn’t enough to indulge in this one emotion. If you rely on a single memory too often its strength over you will lessen. Kind of like crying yourself out. You need to make more memories. Find new things to feel.”

“So, what, introduce myself to more trauma?” She faltered. “That doesn’t sound healthy.”

“Happy memories exist too, girl!” Tenya chortled. “I think what Dell is saying is that we need to expose you to more life.”

“And that,” Romo grinned in agreement, “we can certainly do.”