1. last night i tried calling you. but it was 4 a.m. and my hands were shaking and i didn't know what to say to you, so instead of calling, i sat next to the window and waited for the sun to come up, hoping maybe you'd call instead. you never did.

2. my best friend got me a ticket to the new art exhibition downtown. she knew how long i'd been waiting to see the new work of the artist that you and i both used to admire. i went, wearing that little black dress you always loved, but at the gallery, i wasn't looking for the artwork. i was looking for you. but you didn't show.

3. i re-visited that old pub down on 51st street last weekend. a few of our old friends asked me where i'd been for so long, so i told them i'd been waiting for you to come home. when they asked where you were, my silence was my only answer. they bought me a couple of drinks, and by the time the night was over, i was too intoxicated to even remember your face. i guess that's why the next morning, the hangover hurt so damn much. because i remembered again. i remembered you again.

4. i went on a long drive the other night, with the windows rolled down and the wind in my hair. i remembered the way we used to drive on late nights, cruising down the empty streets with the breeze hitting our bodies. you'd always have one hand on the steering wheel, and the other on my hand; sometimes, you'd look at me instead of at the road, and when i used to tell you to stop staring at me and drive safely, you'd pull over and stop the car. then you'd kiss me until the sun came up. but you aren't here anymore. so when i went to go drive alone the other night, i drove with both hands on the steering wheel. and i didn't stop.

5. i listened to your favorite song all day yesterday. it's a terrible song and i never understood why you loved it so much. but i listened to it over and over again until the lyrics were engraved onto my bones. i can't get it out of my head, now.

6. i called your mother in the morning. she cried and told me she missed me so much, that you weren't the same, anymore. her tears were too overwhelming for me to bear, and i didn't want to hear the pain in her voice anymore. so i hung up.

7. a few weeks ago i kissed a boy and brought him home with me. i had to close my eyes because i kept picturing you in front of me, not him. and when i showed a photograph of him to my mom, she said he looked a lot like you. i stopped speaking to him since then.

8. i rewatched all our home videos today. you always did love to capture all of our memories onto film — you said when we grew old, we'd want to relive those moments. so i relived them, but without you by my side, darling, it just isn't the same.

9. i washed all my clothes over and over again last week. but they still smelled like you, so i bought a completely new wardrobe.

10. i went to the spot where you'd first told me you loved me. i faced my head towards the sky, closed my eyes tight, and cried; and the only thing i could think was: i love you. i love you. i love you.

— the 10 answers i gave to you when you asked me if you missed me.