To see what is in front of one’s nose needs a constant struggle. – George Orwell, Narrative Essays

We all tend to make zealous judgement, and thereby close ourselves off from revelation. – Madeleine L’Engle

Hi, stalker, Briel accused the phone without preamble. I know who you are. Briel had pulled out her phone before she even sat completely down, and she typed the message with fury. Though she had suppressed her rage at Nick during her escape, Briel now had leisure to indulge all of her ire. Temporarily secure, Briel just stared at the card that Nick had handed her, piqued by its inscrutability. She did not know what to expect from Nick in response, and really, she knew that she shouldn't risk the communication.

Are you safe? Nick returned.

Safe? She type violently. Of course I'm not safe! Don't avoid the subject. Why didn't you tell me who you were?

You're not seriously asking me that question, are you? I mean, you made your mind up about me within about five minutes of when you met me. I didn't have a chance as Nick.

Briel fumed, staring indignantly out the large windows at the blurring city blocks as they passed. He couldn't know, of course, how thoroughly successful he had proven as himself. Still, she wasn't yet ready to let him off the hook much less admit his victory. So, you lied? Hiding behind your sister’s situation to justify it? That's not much of a solution!

I wasn’t hiding, though I guess you can’t know that for sure. Still, you, of all people, know how closely I would have to guard any possible access to my sister. Besides, even if I were lying, it’s not like you can judge. You lie for a living… he accused somewhat unexpectedly.

She had so rarely experienced his anger that its expression shocked her for a moment. A laugh burst out of her mouth – she couldn’t help it. With the tension of her day so tightly coiled inside of her, his sarcasm released a spring of anger in her mind. Especially when she thought of the smirk that usually accompanied his attitude. As usual, Nick turned her expectations on their heads.

If she knew one thing about Nick Alexander, it was that he was infallibly kind, yet here he had almost insulted her. Not only that, but she had not really believed Felicity’s assertions about Nick’s computer skills – maybe willfully denied them so she could suppress any threatening admiration. Yet he had apparently tracked her down from the middle of nowhere and pressed past all of her defenses. In professional life as effectively as he had done in her personal life, apparently. She sighed, both in irritation and to release her stress.

I am so sorry, Nick's surprising reply interrupted her building frustration.

Briel scoffed. And there is the kindness…she complained to herself

That was a crappy thing to say, he continued.

Yes, it was, she agreed. She was not going to let him do this to her again – not stir up all the confusion she had so desperately buried months before. Apology not accepted. All those little hints you threw out yesterday, pretending you didn't know what was happening to me. I thought you were just being dramatic when you talked about all the “danger” I faced. You acted so ignorant. You acted so concerned! And it was all just deception.

Please…Nick's response came evenly as he tried to console Briel, though she sensed his frustration. Please stay calm. It's killing me to be stuck here 5,000 miles away and think that you're losing it. You need to keep your head if you're going to beat this thing!

Did he honestly think he could give her a pep talk? He couldn't possibly understand her situation, nor her ability to handle it. He could just take his “5,000 miles” and shove them in his hard drive. I know. Computers erase geographical boundaries, right? Since you're so worried about me, why don't you magically broadcast yourself over here to save me this time? Not that it would help, seeing as I'd probably just have to save you and myself. Or are you going to bust out some of that mysterious kung fu? What a joke!

When she realized what Nick had done in Mexico, that he had offered to hack into the system to get her a ticket, that he had claimed he could ground flights…Nick Alexander, puppy dog who had latched onto her, was a hacker extraordinaire, She had liked him from the first time she had met him, but she had never really respected him. No, in her mind, he was too desperate to appeal to her.

Of course, that was the excuse she gave herself. Really, she liked everything about him, and after spending the majority of a month with him, a regular person would call her thoughts toward him “caring about him.” No, he was not going to do this to her. She had gotten rid of him.

Bri, he broke into her thoughts, you don’t think I knew a relationship with you would be tough? I knew, okay? But not for the reasons you believed. You think the whole spy thing is going to kill this – yes, I know you’re not really a spy – but that is not what the problem is here. The problem is that you won’t take a risk. You are so afraid of being betrayed or disappointed that you just toy with relationships, with friendships. Heaven forbid anyone rely on you, or more importantly, that you rely on anyone.

Briel stared at the phone once the words stopped flowing, mildly surprised at his tirade. In all the time she had known him, he had never been so blunt, so direct. Instead, he teased and played. She should be offended, especially at the accusation of fear. Problem was, everything he said was true. It was true, and she had good reasons for it to stay true.

Don’t “Bri” me, Nicholas. We do not have that kind of relationship. You are a desperate boy who can’t let go of his crush, and I owe you nothing. This whole thing – this computer stalking, this pretense that we were more than we were – it’s delusional! Any sane person would have walked out my door and never looked back, would have known the truth.

Her heart racing, Briel stared at the dots that flashed in the corner of her screen. Had she managed it? Had she finally chased him off? Every part of her wailed, yelled at her to fix it, to type something that would let him know she didn’t mean it, but her will was subject to her mind – her mind that knew without a doubt that she was not good for Nick Alexander, that her decision to protect anyone and everyone from the cold that filled her chest was the right choice. All the screaming protests in her mind confirmed that she needed to make her rejection clear, because the volume of her protests revealed just how much she wished she could accept his offer. Finally, the words flashed up on the screen, and she huffed out a breath.

You never could accept that I do know the truth, Brielle Revelles. I know why you push me away, and I know why you’re afraid – for yourself and for me. And I don’t want to be the person who stalks you or chases you, but if you’re going to run away from me, let it be because you don’t want me. Let it be because you honestly don’t care about me and you wish I would just leave you alone. If you want me to leave you alone, just send this to your FBI buddies so they can track me down and arrest me. Because I don’t want to be that guy, but I also don’t want to let you walk out of my life if you’re doing it out of some misplaced desire to protect me from yourself. I’m not scared of you, Briel. I’m not scared you’ll hurt me or betray me or fail me.

An icon popped up on the screen, and when Briel tapped on it, it opened a file that held a lot of computer code. Briel chewed her lip as she stared at the contents. Though she did not understand computer lingo on a deep scale, she knew enough to recognize the general information. There was his geographic location in Belize, his contact information, a record of their conversations with dates and times, and Nick’s name and email address all over the document. Nick Alexander had just handed her the potential to throw him to the wolves if that’s what she wanted. Apparently, Nick wasn’t afraid.

Confused, she stared at Nick’s name on the card. What was she going to do? Surely, she could find some way to push him away without lying to him. Nick wasn’t crazy – he was brilliant. She wasn’t a regular person with whom regular methods would succeed. So far, the only two men she had been involved with had proven a near criminal and mentally unstable. Nick was dealing with her on the terms she set, and she couldn’t quite regret the fact.

At least now I know how to get rid of you if I decide to…Briel wrote the words, and she recognized that they had left him an opening for hope. She prayed he wouldn’t take them as actual encouragement, but his infuriating persistence had weakened her conviction. Of course she cared for him. It hadn’t taken her more than a week to begin the crumbling of her inner resistance to Nick, and he was right in claiming that he knew the truth.

That is much more of a concession than I expected, he finally acknowledged, and Briel wanted to slap herself. But since it is not exactly encouragement, how about I just take it as an opportunity for both of us.

Opportunity?

I will not have to go to jail just yet, and if you need help on your mission, you can contact me.

Briel shocked herself by laughing.

Well, I don’t know what you could do for me, but I guess I don’t have to send you to prison if you stay in your place.

Ha. My place. Well, you’re in the driver’s seat, so just submit your request for assistance if you need it. I’m just sitting around on the beach and drinking margaritas, so I’ll be pretty bored if you don’t send me something.

Boredom sounds awful.

Wouldn’t be bored if you had just stayed with me…

Shaking her head, Briel decided to wrap up the conversation. How had he done it? As usual, Nick had completely confounded her, and she need her wits more than any other resource at the moment. Since I didn’t, and we haven’t decided that I would anyway, I’m going to stop talking to you and pay attention to why I’m here.

But you’ll be careful?

None of your business.

Okay – you win for now. But if you disappear, and the police don’t come to my door, I just might come looking for you to make sure you make it out safe.

I told you I would let you know!

And I know you’ll keep your word. Goodbye, Brielle.

Before she could reply, the cursor turned green, as if he had turned off his phone. Why did he always have to do that? Still, she had to admit, she loved his strange, maddening informality – completely intended to keep her on her toes. Even calling her by her French name – it was stupid…and endearing. Completely different from the instability of Liam. Liam had promised that nothing in her life would ever be settled. Nick promised that, though life would stay in constant motion, it would continue for as long as she was willing. The thought almost appealed to her.

Sighing, Briel forced herself to suppress the thought since she could not afford such a powerful distraction. She glanced out the windows at the platform that slowly came into focus as the metro slowed for a stop. With the involvement of les soldats, Briel could foresee an escalation of trouble if she didn't plan carefully. She hoped she could avoid the blowup and decamp before the authorities figured out her destination, so she determined to make her egress from the train as quickly as possible. Though Briel doubted that the soldiers would actually engage themselves fully in the search, the gendarmes police would strive harder to apprehend her out of fear of losing face with the military.

If perchance the police found her, she would face much more difficulty in accomplishing her task. She would rather face whoever pursued her than rot even short term in a French prison. With no official reason for her presence in France, Briel could count on no support from the consulate, and her few connections that remained in France had very little influence in legitimate circles.

Glancing up at the map above the train doors, Briel counted the stops until Gare du Nord. The light blinked at irregular intervals, the doors opening and closing. The flux of passengers entering and leaving the train obscured Briel's purposely inconspicuous position at the rear of the train car. Eleven stops from the airport.

Despite her initial plans, Briel reconsidered getting off immediately because anyone who watched for her, whether pursuer or police, would have an easier time at a less busy stop. No, Briel needed to disappear into the crowds at the busiest train station in Europe, so she decided to wait for the Gare du Nord. As she sat watching the indicator lights flash off upon passing each station, Briel surreptitiously scanned for la police among the throngs who crowded the train.

Suppressing her fears, Briel exited the train without incident and wandered easily down the Champs-Elysees. The locale conveniently offered the most ease in changing $7,000 American dollars into Euros without raising eyebrows. Of course, the beauty of Paris pulled on her heart despite her resolutions against such emotionalism. Though she had years ago steeled herself against childhood illusions, she couldn't help succumbing to the allurements of the Champs-Elysees. Nick had opened doors in her mind that she had closed more than a decade before. The frenzied chaos of Paris and the nebulous memories from childhood deadened some of the ache.

With so much sensation pulling at her from past, present, and future, she had to pause for her mind to settle. No one but Nick knew her position – she had flown half-way across the world. She should be okay for a couple hours. Bypassing the car dealerships and the haute couture shops, Briel seated herself in an ice cream shop and sat under the low-hanging canopy to watch the dizzying bedlam of Paris.

A bit anti-climactic, she smiled wryly to herself. After the kidnapping in Mexico, the fire at her apartment, and the near-collision, the trip to Paris had proven so uneventful that Briel upbraided herself for her unhappiness. Did she crave trouble? She couldn't answer that question.

Trying to avoid the obvious psychological conclusions that a desire for trouble entailed, Briel forced herself to drown in the splendor of the city, the perfect synthesis of nature and civilization that created such awe for the millions of visitors who flocked to see it every year. She gazed down the line of perfectly manicured trees past the Arc de Triomphe to La Tour Eiffel and worked to impress the image of the structures and les gens into her memory – to appreciate all the splendor from her adult perspective. She would soon enough have to face the demons that followed her.

Finally, the sun began to set, and Briel knew she couldn’t let herself wait anymore. She had to use the resources she knew, and there was only one place she could find what she needed. Whatever the outcome, whether good or bad, she would head to the gare and from there, she would board a train that would take her “home.”