Blood watered the dirt. The bodies fell down in a neat circle, stacked upon each other, and then the only toy left before the breathless Hardhat was the new queen, her sword pointed at Eve’s neck.

“Adorable,” said Eve, loose posture still suggesting she was on a beach holiday. “I wasn’t expecting such a passionate counterattack.”

“They’re all bastards, the lot of them!” cried Hardhat. “Orange and Green and Bossman and--”

“HALT!” shouted a new, deep voice. By the sound of his heavy footfalls, he was in a hurry. Metal chinked together as the man ran over.

To say Hardhat’s body froze in place wouldn’t be enough. It felt more as if someone had superglued together his bones, but because his lips still worked, he ignored it and continued his rant.

“…and the pubs are in on it, too,” he said, “Go out for a pint with the bossman, he makes six times your wages, but he doesn’t pay six times for the Carling, does he?”

The newcomer thundered past the van. He wore chainmail and carried a poleaxe, which Hardhat found a bit anachronistic in light of the fact that he also wore sunglasses.

“’Bout time they sent someone over,” said Hardhat. “Give us a hand and pop her back under the guillotine.”

“Let her go,” said the knight. “I won’t let you harm a hair on this maiden’s head!”

“Uh…” said Hardhat.

“Uh…” said the chess queen.

“Uh…” said Eve. “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”

“I’m not kidding around!” said the knight. “Begone with your foul apparition!”

Before the queen had time to react, he swung the poleaxe and decapitated her. She disapparated.

“Dirty cheating bugger,” said Hardhat, now invested in unsticking his limbs. “You didn’t move in an L shape.”

“Justice moves in straight lines!” The knight tapped him, but the poleaxe bounced ineffectually off Hardhat’s hat.

“Ow! What did you go and do that for? Who are you, anyway?”

The knight slammed the butt of his axe into the ground and saluted. “You are speaking to the esteemed… wait, you haven’t heard of me?”

“Not had a spare moment to catch the missing nutter posters, sorry.”

“My name is Derek-Derek! Remember it well! I have trained long and hard in the mountains for the sake of justice—”

“Did I hear that right?” Hardhat rubbed his head, afraid he may have been bonked a little too much. “Derek… Derek?”

Derek-Derek nodded so deeply he ended up bowing. “They speak of him in hushed whispers—the fearsome fighter Double D! Famous to all throughout the land, a very specific land actually, constituency just south of the A25, but at least very well known within that particular parish!”

“Interesting,” purred Eve. “And I see you have a playbook.”

“I use my words for justice!” declared Derek-Derek, holding up a retro PDA. “I trained long and hard throughout my gap year, and now consider myself ready for the working world!”

A fly landed on Hardhat’s nose. He tried to blow it away, but it wouldn’t budge. The itch was unbearable.

“You’re hired, lad,” he said, twitching. “Here’s your first sinner. She’s a level 9, though, so you’d best be careful, one chap already lost some fingers. Now howsabout you turn off that spell and let me scratch my bloody face?”

“Shadows fall over Derek-Derek’s brow,” said Derek-Derek under the spotlight of the burning sun. “You will leave this helpless maiden be.”

“Uh,” said Eve, grinning, flashing her fangs—all twenty of them.

“Could you come over here and have a quick word, lad?” asked Hardhat in a low, discrete voice he often used in disciplinary meetings.

“I won’t fall for such tricks!” shouted Derek-Derek, and then he bonked Hardhat on the head again. “That’s straight from the official villain playbook. I’m surprised you haven’t gone to the trouble of growing a twirly moustache! Now unhand this lady! LIBERTY!”

Eve stretched as if warming up for a ten kilometre run, then licked her lips. She stepped forward. “This world is mine.”

“You stupid bastard!” shouted Hardhat, struggling against his invisible restraints. “That ‘lady’ of yours killed every man, woman and child in her county! You’re the only one who could’ve stopped her, and you just let her go!”

“Then… THEN…” Derek-Derek dropped his poleaxe. “You mean this isn’t Canyon-B?”

“Canyon-A, I think you’ll find. You must’ve missed the turning up by that holly bush. Do it all the time, meself.”

“ACCIDENT, said Eve. She advanced on Hardhat, talons growing.