“Desire is not for the naked eye to see, but for the heart within.”

First chapter- I row my own boat

Before I was 10 years old, I could see the world through my mind. The world was so bright and colorful. With a thought, flowers bloomed. Timeless creations appear before my eyes with swing of my finger.

I could see things that weren’t logical. Sometimes, there were voices whispering in my ears telling me to wake up during the night. When I was 12, my parents taught me they were called a child’s fantasy. That those dreams will disappear when I grew up. I didn’t believe my parents.

At the night before Mother’s Day, I begged my father to bring me to the store to buy some food. I was still a 13-year-old boy trying to please my mother then. So when I saw a trail of glitters on the floor, I thought it was a road leading me to a magical world. I pulled away from my father’s grasp and ran off not knowing that my father wasn’t aware of my missing presence.

In the eyes of the little boy, the shelves of the supermarket started to mold into a spiral twirl. My mind screamed adventure, there were mysteries to solve and nothing’s going to stop me. I could feel my giggle echoing back at me. When I looked back, the scenes behind me started disappearing one another. It was scary. Like a black endless pit catching up on me. My light pace broke into a terrified sprint. The short legs I run with felt so slow as my body started getting heavier but I didn’t feel tired at all.

It was like a dream back then. I kept running and running. When I opened my eyes, I was already outside the store. There were people running to me with panicking faces. Someone picked me up. I was scared but I knew whatever that was trying to eat me was gone. Sleep was all I could think of. There was no energy left to fight back the heavy eye lids. That night, I dosed off in the arms of a stranger, and also the last time I saw my father.

~~ (Beware of the 10 years’ time jump):

My name is Alan, an old part-timer working on a design project due tomorrow. I’ve been living in this worn-down apartment after getting kicked out by the last landlady for the stinking smell coming from my room.

The work was eating the life out of me. I glanced up at the pile of dump that was nibbling away at the corner of my room. I’ve been careful not to eat food that will leave a rotten smell after leaving them at the corner of my room. In this case, the options leave me one but the cheap meal of cup noodles. Soon enough, water and electricity will stop coming in if I don’t step out this room and pay my bills.

When I say old part-timer, I meant the neet who never step foot outside. I do what people with a lot free time usually do. I play games, watch movies and sleep through the day. Sometimes I would receive a phone message from my mom telling me she would come over tomorrow. And the best part about that is my room would finally have a clear path from the door to my computer. Call me a disgrace to the family, but when you’re used to the routine, it’s basically a come-and-go thing.

I picked up the book under my desk and a cracking sound came along from my back. “Ouch.”

I glanced at the bottom of screen. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. Come to think of it, it has been a long time since I told my mother about it. It was also the same day my father died under the crash 10 years ago. There was an unpredicted earthquake occurred around the area that night that crushed the building and trapped my father under it. There were few injured but death count was only one. We were told that my father didn’t come out from the store as the building was collapsing.

My mom cried endlessly when we received the news that day. Being hugged by my mother felt like I was getting choked by guilt. I knew, that my father went searching for me. And I knew, everything was my fault for running off by my own. Even after being told it was a miracle someone found me outside of the store that night, the lingering guilt didn’t go away.

I stood up from my chair and opened my wallet deciding that I would get food for her when she comes over tomorrow. Or so I hope after seeing my penniless wallet.

I let out a sigh. “Would a cup noodle do well as a Mother’s Day gift?”

I feel like mentally slapping myself. Maybe I should start getting a proper job soon.

Turning the door knob feels strange, I had no doubt that I’ve become a strange human being. I walked out of my apartment then turn to the corner at the end of the road.

It was dark out and the dim streetlights aren’t giving any help to the people walking at night. I tugged my hands in my pocket and breathe in the chilly night air.

The night was silent. I walked at my own pace peacefully down the road. From far ahead, I could hear fast approaching footsteps. I stopped on my track and curiously turn around to see a man with a black coat heading toward my direction.

The man had bloodshot eyes and shouted, “You bitch, I told you to give me the money!”

I took a step back in attempt to run away.

Everything went by so fast. My body just froze when that man came up close to me. Next second, I could feel intense pain coming from my stomach.

As I looked down, I feel all my energy drained away from me. I was stabbed. My legs lost itself as I fall to the ground. All the while, the face of the angry man remained.

There were surprisingly a lot of stars in the sky. I said to myself, “The sky is beautiful tonight…I want to see you mom.”

Darkness engulfed my vision.

I woke up and found myself laying bare footed wearing a white cloth that is usually worn by the patient in the hospital. I got curious of my surrounding. It seems like I was laying on top of a floating white and round plane with nothing holding the edges. The space is wide enough to keep me from falling off. There is a straight path out of a circle and a door at the other end.

I swallowed a breath.

I remember getting stabbed in the stomach. Surprisingly there are no wounds when I lifted my shirt. I felt a pang of sadness welling up inside me. Tears fell out along with the memory of regretful decisions I have made in my life. I cried. There was no one here to console me. Only the greetings of my own echo.

If this is afterlife, it is quite different than I have imagined. There is no light guiding me or any grim reaper coming to take my soul away.

I stood at the floating plane. I mumbled to myself, “I have to move.”

Not sure what to expect, I brought myself to move toward the door. The door was plain and white. It stood a little taller than me. When I reached in front of door, I slid my hand up. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing. I turned the doorknob open. The moment I open it, the first thing I noted was how bright the place is, I was greeted by rows and rows of never-ending bookshelves. There were uncountable old books with no headings written on it. The old rust of books were weaving through the air.

I lifted my head to see the end of bookshelves to no success. Before I could take a few more steps in, I was interrupted by a person, or an owl, clearing his throat.

Bewildered by the appearance of a half man with an upper body of an owl. I stood there staring at him with my jaw hanging open.

“If you are done staring, come and have a sit.”

“Ah, what? Oh…uh.”

There is a table with papers laying around it. I pulled out the chair and took a sit while the owl-man turned around to take a book out from the shelf.

I kept silent watching him as he said, “Alan, am I right?”

“Ah,” my heart leaped a beat when he turned his head 90 degree around, I almost thought his neck broke. “Y-yes, I’m Alan.”

“Your record is interesting. It may be the reason why you are brought here.” He said, “As you can tell, this place is not normal.”

I stared blankly at him. “What do you mean?”

“When you were 13 years old, you should have been abducted by a parallel world summon. But instead, you denied the summon on your own will resulting in a distortion of space. Which is the cause for the building to break.”

“Parallel world summon? I don’t understand.” My lips were shaking. I hung my head with my hands. “Why me? My father died because of it. If he wasn’t looking for me, he would have live….” I killed him.

The owl-man shook his head, as if reading my thought, “You did not kill him, he chose to look for you out of his own will.”

I kept silent. Everyone said the same thing. It was I who chose not to believe it.

The owl-man continued, “Because of the intervention of otherworld, you are given a special pass to choose your own fate. Normally in your case, you will be reincarnated into a newly born baby, whether it is an animal or human.”

With a wave, five black cards appeared on the table. Unlike poker cards, there were no hatching or symbol on the face of the cards.

“Each card represents a different fate, look carefully into them and choose the path you desire the most.”

“What am I supposed to look into if they are all black?”

There was no reply. I looked up from the card and found myself alone. If I could choose my own birth, wouldn’t I desire to be born as a prince? Or maybe a god? I let out a dry laugh.

I looked closer at each card and stared hard at them for a long time. There was still nothing.

I sincerely doubt the owl-man would trick me. Or maybe my fate is just that empty. Given up the hope of choosing, I randomly pointed at one card.

The card shined brightly, while the other four faded away. My eyes widen, images flashed through the card. Hope arises in me as I got sucked in by the bright light.

“Roses are red, violets are blue. If angels are real, please let them be with you.”

Second chapter- I take my own step