One distinguishable day, well, not in Ward City, the acclaimed Stephen Silworth was given a contract by an archaeological expedition, ran by a private company that dealt with artefacts from the past, to oversee an excavation far south from his nation. He was not keen on going so far, as he was afraid his office would be confiscated, but the pay was generous, a part of which was to further delay his obligation to pay interest at his bank.

The place he had to be on guard around was a green tent in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of a yellow desert, which was being arid, sweltering to the only person, who was not used to the blazing temperature of the sizzling South. Ultimately, what he hated about it was mosquitoes, especially the subspecies that were attracted by the smell of the fiery feet. Trying to devour those pesky fingers, a slap was all they needed to return them to their Maker.

“Hey Stephen!” Cried out the leader of the expedition, when he peeked in his tent. “We found the Sarcophagus.”

As Stephen stepped out of his tent, the leader pointed towards an immense, spire-like structure made out of sandstone marble. “We would like you to inspect it.” That moment, a man, with horrified, disgusting, and truly abominable face, came to inform the two of what happened recently.

“The last group hasn’t returned yet. We felt some weak tremors from the Spyramid, then we lost contact. Something bad might have happened.”

“Something bad? We even reinforced the cavity… What, what could have happened?” In Stephen’s eyes he was only a cringy posturer copying weird movies. His life was fifty years of waste.

“Well, I can’t do anything about collapsed pathways, demolished due to the ancient structure.” He tried to be very clever, even though he only knew the half what he was talking about. “I can’t do anything.” was way more accurate in this current situation concerning the hypothesis of grinding the last team into indecorous morsels of miserable mist.

“You’re coming with us, who knows what secret we will uncover. I might tremble, but I will not leave defeated and empty-handed!” Articulated the leader. Stephen only nodded to show approval. His eyes were dead.

They ventured to the entrance, where a rescue-team was already assembled. Equipped with picks, shovels and other delicate tools necessary for a huge scale excavation.

“Anyone knows what happened?” Stephen shouted aloud.

“We only felt a tremor…” Replied the organizer of the rescue team.

“Are you sure it was the tremor of a pathway crumbling to pieces?”

“We don’t know for sure, but we…”

“We have to consider other options, like something supernatural. A battle-beast or a wraith.”

“What are you talking about?” Asked the organizer.

“Are you retarded?” Asked someone from the crowd.

“I’m a monster hunter, thank you for asking. But if you want to be eaten alive by a nospherati…”

“A what?” Replied someone.

“Don’t play dumb, such things wouldn’t exist. What is a nospherati, by the way. Did you came up with it to scare weak-willed people?” Asked another.

“Scum.” Spat another. Literally.

“No, it’s a fact that they exist. They’re bat-like beasts sucking the blood out of you. They are living creatures, lurking in the shadows, altering the victim’s fantasy. You go in there, and a moment after you lose your focus, one just sucks your suddenly erected mattock… It’s cruel… You, men of science, creatures of the library, neets of manholes, don’t know what is to be afraid of oral examination.”

“Ignore him, he is just an idiot.” Said a man hiding in the crowd.

“Why did we even hire you?” Continued another.

“Monsters do not exist…”

“You just haven’t seen one. They hate electricity, so they are rare in urban areas.” Replied Stephen indifferently. He didn’t care as long as he was promised to be paid.

“He is right.” Said the leader of the expedition. “He saved me once from a bludgeon. It’s like a pigeon but it’s bloodthirsty. I owe my life to him…”

“Was that you? I forgot…”

“That is why I offered you this job. It was hard to convince the shareholders, but one of them had an experience with monsters, who was also saved by you.”

“Now, now. If you are not afraid, go on.”

“We have to do so, the others might be suffering. Or dead…”

So the little company begun their journey, penetrating deep into the dark tunnels of a long-forgotten building. Their size were unbelievably small, but one could push through, even if it needed supreme dedication. Stephen thought they looked like the human digestive system, where the people were, well, you know what.

At the end of the tunnels, a huge hall presented itself, which give accommodation to treasures and several doors that couldn’t be opened by brute force. The problem was that one suddenly opened.

“So that was that rumbling…”

“This explains a lot…”

“But… How could it be opened?”

“The Sarcophagus is missing…”

“Look… There is blood on the floor.”

“How could this be?”

“Calm down, people. There is nothing to see here. You should get out of here as soon as possible, or be arrested.” Exclaimed Stephen.

“What?”

“The fuck are you talking about? A team is missing, and you play games?”

“I told you to get out of here, since it seems to be a mummy here. Those things are psychos. They eviscerate people and stuff themselves with their inner things. Go.”

“Go…” Shouted the expedition leader. “The bravest three of you stay.” Exactly three people approached him.

“What do we do now?”

“You shouldn’t have asked for the bravest.”

“Huh?”

A loud buzzing noise could be heard in the distance.

“To remove the mummy, one has to complete a ritual involving the discharge of faeces and removing the remainder with its wrap.”

“What? Don’t you have a better way? A more sanitary way?” Relied the leader, disappointed of the uncoolness of reality.

“We can do a ritual that takes three days and a fight with sacred weapons.”

“That’s what we…” Stephen bashed him in the head, rendering him unconscious. “How could you survive in this world without common sense for this long?” He murmured.

“Well guys? I see that ancient thing coming our way… Anyone has to paint the walls brown? Or nobody’s giving a crap? Anyone’s pencil being sharpened? An indiscreet excretion might save your life. This is once in a lifetime opportunity, nobody will brand you… Anyone stained their pants? It’s not a shame in this current situation. Is someone afraid to die? Then, please present us…”

“It’s no time to joke, do something!” Replied the three simultaneously.

“Do you need wiping? Now is your chance… Use that nice undead person’s embalmed wraps. Your secretion is their expulsion! No one? Why do I have to do everything myself?” Stephen took out a nose clip from his bag, put it on his nose, took out a potion, and opened it. The smell caused the three to do what he asked for. “Now you only have to use him as a toilet paper…”

“Asshole…”

The thing was a metre away. Stephen gripped the end of his wrap and, forcefully, used it as a toilet paper on the closest of the archaeologists. Then the monster, unaware of what had happened, crumbled to dust.

“That thing belongs in a museum!” Cried the expedition leader out, jumping up as he came to.

Stephen, taking out a flashlight, intruded the newly-opened restaurant at the hall. Looking in, he saw a wall with writing he did not understand, and upon which were little circles with a man sitting in the middle.