Chapter Seventeen

Arma

While Aaron is occupied with Don and a few of the techs in one of the lower hangers Arma peeks around the corner to see the new ship that arrived. She’s been awful curious about it, but doesn’t want to interrupt. Sy told her that if she’s not going to commit to SSS, to at least stay out of the way till she comes around to it.

With nothing else to really do, she heads over to the lab to hang out with Five. She’d be interrupting her too, but it’s actually a good thing in that case. Five would never look away from her computer otherwise. When she steps into the scanning lab, Five looks up at her with her usual pleasant smile.

“You see the new ship yet?”

“Yeah, kind of. It’s not exactly a ship yet though. It’s pretty much just a frame and a bunch of big plastic wrapped crates all over the place.”

“Oh, really? I guess I was expecting it to show up, you know, all ready, like a car or something.”

“Yeah, it’s like a kit or something.”

“Huh, so what’ve you got going on today?”

“Nuthin really. Was gonna hang out with Aaron, but I don’t think it’s a good time.” Five looks at her blankly. She’s seen this yearning look on her a few times now.

Five notices her raising an eyebrow at her, but with a hidden smirk too. “What?”

“You’re doing it again!”

Five has no idea what’s going on. “Doing what?”

“You’re looking at me like everyone else does. Like I put the carton back in the fridge empty!” She eyes her for a little longer, wondering what’s really going through her mind. Are you getting territorial of me and Aaron?”

Five looks down at the floor for a moment, thinking of how she’s going to put it. “No, it’s not that…” It might be a little bit, but it’s not what she was thinking. “You need to find something to do Arma, something that you want to do really well. Something you could do better than everyone else. Something you can be elite at. You can’t just keep wandering around bored all day, waiting for… I don’t know what. You know what I’m saying? Everyone knows you have huge potential, and we’re dying to see it.” She sighs and looks up at her, not knowing what else she can say. “No one is going to tell you what to do. We all know how that goes.”

She folds her arms in defiance, but then becomes really unconfident, hearing it coming from Five. “Is that why no one likes me?”

Five huffs out of her nostrils, as if she’s been made the bad-guy now. “No one has ever said that. No one doesn’t like you. We’re just disappointed. Imagine if Marek got ninety percent done with Monster, but never finished it. It just sat there for months and never got used. It’s like that. Everyone is so excited about you Arma, but you just…”

She folds her arms and sits down, a little upset with herself. “I thought they were just gonna use us, you know.”

“It’s not like that. We are them. They all look up to us. Why do you think Marek and Alexis work so hard? It’s because this is their first real home, and family. We build SSS, not the other way around.”

Her brows lower this time. “The day we got here, I imagined being gunned down and abandoned again, once they got what they wanted out of me. Do you really trust them? I’d only ever take your word for it.”

“Yeah, I do. Here, we all have this… honor. It’s more than trust, but different than love. It’s loyalty. If you have their backs, they will have yours? That’s how it works. To them, it is life and death.”

“I don’t know. To me, it’s always been you, me, and Aaron. Are we really part of them, like that?”

“Yeah, I’m kind of feeling it. I think, do I want to lead them to the other side, to keep them with me, to be the ones I can trust with my forever? Yeah, they’re the only ones that have the teeth for it. I started doing what I’m doing for me, for us, but now I want to do it for them too.”

She’s a bit blown away by Five’s high praise of such ruffians, but she takes it in with inspiration. She smiles. Well, they are a lot better than the crusty old jerks from Werker. None of them were cool, like Tony, or Becky.”

Five’s eyes light up and she laughs. “Yeah, and we get paid here, like, a lot!”

“What? No one’s giving me any money? What’re you even going to do with it?”

Five looks out the door of the lab and lowers her voice. “You don’t get paid, cause you don’t do anything around here. I get paid more than Valerie, and even Gabriel! Way more. Sy recognizes me, and he is not your enemy, trust me. I can do whatever the hell I want with my money.” She scoffs. “I don’t have to ask anyone for permission. I can buy whatever I want. New TV, my own damn car if I want. Maybe I’ll buy my own lab, hmmm, brain making machine, and all that. I have tons of money Arma.”

“You’d buy a car?”

“I don’t know, probly not, but I could buy like ten of em if I wanted. Valerie said no, but guess what, I might do it just to tell her off. That’s the thing about having your own money.”

She likes the sound of that. “Aw! I wanna buy something that pisses her off too! What could I do though? I guess I can kill pretty well, what about that? That’s what they do here right?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure Sy tried to talk to you about that already, remember? Then you stuck that dagger in the top of his desk?”

“He was being a cock!”

With an elbow on the table, Five puts her face down in her hand and sighs. She doesn’t want to sound condescending, so she thinks about how she’ll explain the difference. “Do something they would want to pay you for. It’s different than getting paid to do what you’re told. Either way, it’s time for you to learn something, and get really good at it. For example, I am learning everything there is to know about how we were made, and what it takes to keep us alive. If Sy, or whoever, doesn’t want to die forever, they’ll have to pay me to bring them back. It’s worth every penny to them. It’s worth their lives.”

Neither of the two realize that Valerie has come to check in with Five and is standing outside the lab door, eavesdropping again. Whenever Arma is in there with Five, they’re always talking about their little secret stuff.

Arma leans forward in her chair. “Ok, so you’re doing this. Aaron, Alexis, and Mikel are training to be guards. Marek works on machines in the shop, and Clarice is kind of the com operator. What should I do?”

“Aaron is training to be more than just a guard now. There’s plenty of guards anyway, and he’s a little too pricey for the usual stuff. He’s gonna be the new pilot. We only have three pilots, and it’s pretty much the most important job here.”

“K, so what if I want to do what he’s doing then? I could be around him more then. Could I do that?”

“I believe you have it in you Arma. You could train to be a pilot, but don’t do it just so you can be around Aaron. It’s a very serious job. You’ll have to work hard, like me, all the time. If you screw it up, sure, you’ll survive, but what about the three guards that trusted you with their lives? Maybe SSS won’t want to bring you back if you get a bunch of their guys killed cause you didn’t care enough. None of our jobs are just jobs here. Our family could die if you don’t put your heart and soul into it. You have strong intuitions and a protective instinct. I absolutely trust my life with you. Be that person for them too.”

When Valerie walks in, she slings her purse across the counter, plops down in her chair, and spins around to them. “Why would even want to hang around that man?” Their heads slowly turn to her as if she’s said something way off-color.

Five puts a hand on Arma’s forearm, expecting she might get a little more than merely snippy with Valerie. “By, that man, you mean Aaron.”

Valerie only huffs back at Five, treating her like she’s plain stupid, and should keep her mouth shut about adult business. She coarsely glances at Arma. “Whatever. I bet the two of you would probly get along fukin great.”

Arma does her damn best to hide the face she makes, but the look she and Five share says enough on all its own. “Maybe… He’s not so bad really.” Her eyebrows lift with a mild smirk.

Valerie is in no mood to be shut out by the two of them right now. Her voice is on the verge of aggression this time. “It’s not a good idea to piss me off girls. I know you’re not even three years old yet, but I expect you to not act like it.”

Arma can’t believe the mouth on her. This time, she gets up out of her chair and stands tall over Valerie, to look down on her. She stays where she is though, about six feet away from her. She doesn’t need to bother getting any closer to make her point. “You lost your privilege to lecture me when you left me in the scrap cart.”

Five’s eyes could not get any bigger at this point. Valerie is shocked too, which is not something that can happen easily. Valerie points out the door and barks back at Arma, “You and me, outside!”

Valerie slams the door behind them and Grills her outside. Regardless of how defiant she means to be, she humors Valerie because it’s something that has to be addressed between the two of them. She owes her at least this much dignity after what she’s been doing behind her back. She won’t be doing it like that anymore.

Valerie’s arms are spread out wide. “What the hell have you been doing this whole time we’ve been here? Not a goddamn thing is what. Why are you so interested in Aaron huh? What are you up to?”

She glares right back at her with contempt. “Since when do you give a shit?”

“So it is true! You think you know him honey, but you don’t. You’re gonna get hurt.”

“Don’t you honey me Valerie, and get off your pedastle. What exactly have you even been doing this whole time, hmm?” She folds her arms and quips back. “Definitely not Aaron.”

Valerie’s face is incredulous. “Oh ho, no, no. I’m not hearing this shit from you. What would you even… you don’t even know!” She turns her chin up and away, eyes welling up a little.

“Wouldn’t know what?” She hangs her arms loosely away from her sides, holding her shoulders back and wide. “Go ahead and say it. Tell me Aaron is dead. Is that what you want to say?”

Valerie fights her tears back as hard as she can, and has to turn away. It takes everything she has to not slap Arma right across her face and scream at her. She can barely get any words out, trying to not sob. “Fuck… you.”

Arma knows she’s taken it too far now she never wanted to hurt Valerie. It’s already going to be hard enough. “I’m sorry for what happened to you, to both of you.” She can hear Valerie starting to sniffle. She grabs her arm before she can walk away.

Without turning around, Valerie tries to pull away from her. Her head is down and her breathing is getting shaky. “Let me go Arma.”

“You need to talk to him.” She lets Valerie go, and watches sadly as she saunters off. Before the double doors slam closed, she shouts out to her. “He’s sorry Valerie. For everything.”

Valerie stops by her apartment, the one she and Aaron were supposed to share together. She looks through the little gap in the shades, like she usually does, to see if Aaron is in there, He’s not. Feeling wrung out, she goes in, sits down on the edge of the bed, and lays down to curl up with a pillow. She can’t help but to start crying. She can’t believe Five and Arma are treating her like shit now too.

Aaron is so volatile, she can’t even talk to him without getting into a blow up. He wouldn’t even acknowledge her the last couple time she saw him, and that was a week ago. She feels like it’s a risk even coming to the apartment anymore. It’s like trying to live with a bear. One day, he might hurt her, even if it is by accident.

She’s facing the other way when the door opens behind her. She doesn’t want to look. It’s probably Arma again, unwilling to leave things alone. She can see her tall shadow blocking out most of the light coming through the doorway. After the shadow stands there motionless for a while, she turns her head just enough to see out of the corner of her eye. It’s not Arma, but Aaron standing in there, making her gasps. It seems she’ll never get used to his frightening outline.

Aaron quickly turns back. “Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

His head is hung low and he starts to close the door, but stops and looks back. After almost a minute, he decides to come in, and quietly walks over to the edge of the bed. Still looking away, he sits down next to her and gently lays one of his hands down on the side of her arm.

His voice is calm, soft, and quiet this time. “I know I died Valerie. I remember all of it. Being beaten, dragged through the dirt, all busted up. I remember being burned alive, and trying to pull in my last breath. I know I haven’t been the same man since then, but it’s not like I ever really got the chance to, you know. I’ve had to do things, to make sure we survive. It sure as hell wasn’t what I wanted, but it’s what we got.”

She only glances back at him out of the corner of her eye. “You’ve made me scared of you Aaron. You never came back to me. Maybe you came back for me, but that’s not the same. From day one, you were someone else. Aaron was kind, and understanding. Whatever you are now, it’s not that.”

“It was never going to be easy Valerie. I’ve had a real hard time with, you know, being completely remade and all. I didn’t want you to think you did something wrong, or hurt me, so I just didn’t say anything. I knew I was going to have to learn to adjust, but not like this. From the very moment I was brought back, I was put down a path of hatred, anger, and viloence. There for a little while, I didn’t think I was going to make it back from that. When I left in the truck, I wasn’t going to come back, but I did.”

“You couldn’t talk to me? You didn’t have any trouble talking to Arma!”

“It’s not like that. She and five have been through this. I needed their help. I’m not a man anymore Valerie, I know that. But when I heard you say that, it made me feel abandoned, like I was so much less. Both Five and Arma helped me climb out of that dark place. They’ve been the same place I have. They knew what was happening to me, even when I didn’t.”

He leans forward and puts his elbows over his knees. “Our minds can go places that are damn hard to come back from. I went down a deep dark hole, and I didn’t know if I was gonna make it back. I was really close to giving up. It’s happened to all of us. When Arma wouldn’t accept who she was, I helped her through it, and when I couldn’t handle what I’d become, she was there for me.”

She’s sick of hearing about Arma. “That’s great. I’m glad that the two of you have that. You know what I have? Nothing!”

This is not the direction he wanted this to go. She clearly resents him, and that kind of thing doesn’t just wash away. He wanted to tell her that he still loves her, but he’s afraid, it’d only cut her more deeply. He sits there with her for a while longer, just wanting to be with her for as long as it can last.

Eventually, she turns over, wraps her arms around him, and lays her head on his thigh. He caresses her hair and holds his hand over hers. They don’t say anything else, because it only ever makes things worse. After almost an hour, she eventually falls asleep. He stays where he is and holds her the whole time. He used to wish he could stay up all night and look at her beautiful face while she slept. He doesn’t fail to see the irony in it now.

When Valerie wakes up again, she looks up at him to see that he’s still there with her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. I should’ve known better. You really should’ve told me you were having a hard time Aaron.”

Neither of them want to talk about love. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. He could never ask her to stay with him, not now that he’s literally a robot. Especially with the possibility of him going to space all the time. He could be gone for a long time. If she really does want him back though, he’d give it all up for her.

Valerie wishes she could, and really would stay with him if he asked, but she knows it would never last. They’d be right back where they are in no time. She’ll keep on getting older, and he’ll always be restless. Maybe he still does love her, and maybe he really did come back as the same man, but that’s not who he is anymore. That man has become something new. Maybe one day, when she goes through the same thing, she’ll finally be able to understand.

While she rolls over out of bed, he stands in the middle of the room, looking the apartment over. He realizes he never really put much thought into what the place looked like. He hasn’t done anything at all to make it look like home. The only sign that he lives there at all, is the damn charging cord in the wall on his side of the bed.

When she comes over and stands in front of him, she puts her hands on the sides of his arms and looks him over. The way she sees him now is different. It’s more like the way a grandmother might look over their grandchild, with a kind of hope for their future.

She only glances into his eyes for a second this time, before moving in closer, and hugging him tightly. She doesn’t say anything, and she doesn’t need to. He gently wraps his arms around her and holds her head when she lays it against his chest. After a minute, she lets him go. “I’ll be seeing you around Aaron. Don’t be such a stranger, ok.” She gives him a sad smile and step out of the room, leaving him there alone.

He stands there, reliving all that happened between them since the day they met, questioning why he didn’t tell her that he still loves her, and how he wants her back so badly. He sits back down on the bed, distraught. He can feel what is left of her warmth soaking into his hand where he sets it down. He still can’t tell if she believes he is who he says he is. After what he heard her say to Sy the other night, he probably wouldn’t believe her even if she said she did say it.

He still doesn’t want it to be over. He springs up off of the bed to go after her. If he could have her back for even another day, it’d be worth everything to him. Before he reaches the door, it opens from the other side. Valerie stands in front of him with tears running down her face.

“Is it really you Aaron? Don’t fuck with me! Is it really you?”

“It’s really me. I don’t know how, but I’m sure of it. I still love you.”

“Goddamn it Aaron!” She hangs herself on him, barely able to hold herself up. “Why’d you have to die on me?” She sobs heavily. “I never even got to say goodbye!”

He’s frozen. She is so full of spite right now, but not for him. One of her fists is clenched against his chest. She’s so upset, she’s shaking, unable to handle what she knows is the truth. When she looks into his eyes, and at his face again, her face twists with the torment of everything that has gone wrong.

“I’m so sorry Aaron.” She backs out of the room, turning from him, and saunters away. Her hands are covering her face.

He can’t imagine what’s going through her mind right now, but one thing is for sure, he’ll never have her back. In a flood of panic, and every other emotion possible, he grabs his knife from off of the kitchen counter and throws it as hard as he can out the door. As soon as he does, he realizes how stupid of a thing he’s done. He’s gone and flown off the handle, and probably killed someone, like they always said he’d do.

When he hears the ring of the blade hitting something hard, way down below, and no one screaming, he drops down on his hands and knees. He’s got to get ahold of himself.