The nurses helped clean me up shortly following that outburst. After receiving fresh clothing and being given time and space to come to terms with the news, my nurse escorted me to the lobby. There he stood, waiting for me. I rushed towards him as quickly as possible. Stooping down, I embraced him, resting my chin on his scalp and gently patting his back. He buried his head into my chest. My shirt moistened, and I held him even closer.

He knew.

Before we left the hospital, I received a few recommendations for psychiatrists and therapists in my area. After thanking the staff for all their help, my son and I took the bus back to our neighborhood later that night. We had baked chicken with rice that night, but he just sat there, poking his food with his fork. Sighing, I finished my plate, hoping it would inspire him to do the same. Instead, he pushed his dish away from him, in front of where an empty chair stood before the table.

I knew he wouldn’t budge, but I knew the hospital had been keeping him healthy and nourished. I told him he should go to bed and get some rest, and he obliged, hopping up from his seat and making his way to his room. After he crawled in bed, I tucked him in and asked if he’d like me to sleep in his room for the night. He shook his head, rejecting my offer. I bent down and kissed his forehead, wishing him a good night.

I opened my laptop and researched the therapy centers cited in the pamphlet I received earlier. I grimaced when I read the costs for each one. My wife made money along with me for our family. That, combined with the opportunity cost forfeited by my hospital stay, took immediate therapy out of the question. Sighing, I closed the computer and trod over to my bedroom.

Placing my palm against the wooden door, I traced my fingers along its perimeter until they met the cold brass knob. Counting down from five, I forced myself to open the door upon reaching zero. I set foot into the room, flicking the light switch upward. As the bulb cast its light onto dull, grey walls surrounding me, I mustered the courage to set one foot in front of the other. Making my way over to the oak frame of my queen-sized bed, I looked down upon the blankets before me. The bed felt so different.

It felt so empty.

Beside the bed sat a dresser, with a picture frame placed atop it. There stood a man and his soulmate, their faces beaming with glee. Feeling the tears trickling down my cheeks, I glanced back toward the bed, realizing I was dampening the sheets while I wept. Breathing in deeply, I turned and exited the room with haste. Retreating to the living room, I laid down on the couch, and after a few hours of tossing and turning, my body finally shut down and let me rest.