I sit in lunch, looking down at a blood red apple in my hands, surrounded by my friends as they are all eating and talking.

It has been quite a while since my tremors started and a longer time since I started getting back on drugs.

I can't do this to them.

I can't lie to them.

Everyday they ask me, how I am. I lie straight to their face, just like that, and say I'm fine whereas I'm terrified. My tremors are getting worse by every second and the hallucinations with them.

I need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me it's alright. I need someone to get me off the drugs.

I can't do this alone.

I really can't.

Which is the reason I take drugs. They help me take my mind off the tremors and believe there is something for me in life.

It has been almost a week since I visited the hospital. Every night, I look at the card that doctor gave me and wait to call her.

Talking to her was so satisfying that I want to talk to her again. Maybe, she could help me.

I remember the way she looked at me. After telling her about my abandonment, she pitied me and looked at me as if she saw her lost daughter in me.

I sigh and take a bite of the apple, apparently sweetest one of its kind on the face of the earth. I look around to find everyone happy and laughter echoed the cafeteria.

Then there I was: sitting down, covered in my own sadness, drowning in my own depression, nervous to fight, tired of all the lies, struggling to stay afloat.

Does no one notice that?

I sigh and try to remove all the negative thoughts out of my mind and fill them up with positive ones.

Like them. My friends. Whom I love and adore until the very end.

Like my love for singing. Which I do to help me balance out my life, to help me keep myself in check, and not die of drug overdose.

These heavy thoughts weighing in my brain like they own the place. I let them in. I made a door for negativity to enter my mind, to invade my mind.

In all these heavy thoughts taking over, I look at someone who's the total opposite. Whom I'd call, the light of my world, just like my friends. Someone who keeps me in check, someone who cares about me.

No.

I can't let him. I can't let him care about me. He doesn't know that all I do is destroy myself and everything along with me. I can't let him know about anything.

The things he doesn't know, won't hurt him.

Maybe I should start by staying away from him. Even though I try, I wouldn't be able to as we have a five year contract, keeping us together.

I need to find another way.

Maybe the contract had a loophole. I need to go home and check that contract again.

"Hey?" I feel someone shaking me to the extreme that my apple falls out of my hand.

I quickly cover up everything and look at Tyler, who's sitting right next to me, concern on his and others face.

"Vee, you have been distracted. Is everything okay?" He asks and I smile and nod in return.

"Everything's rolling," I laugh but none of them blink an eye.

They are looking at me with so much seriousness that it is drilling a hole through me. They know something is wrong with me but I can't let them know.

"Seriously, I'm fine guys," I smile at them but they don't react in any way.

Ian narrows his eyes, trying to examine me but I keep a straight face, not letting him figure it out.

"Hey, I'm fine guys," I say and look in between Kate and Chris, who are sitting right across me and I notice Cayson.

He smiles at me and slowly starts to walk towards me but instead of smiling back, I look away and quickly stand up.

"I uh- I think I forgot my charger in my car. I'll be back," I say and leave before any of them ask any further questions and before Cayson comes over to me.

___

I cough as my throat feels dried up and I pull out a water bottle out of my bag and hydrate myself.

As I'm walking over to my car, I feel someone holding onto my forearm and then pulling it swiftly as I jerk back and my other hand lands on his muscular chest.

I look up and find Cayson, looking intensely down at me with his emerald green eyes. His face, containing only seriousness, is stiff without even a simple smile.

I look to the side and cough while he just follows my gaze. I look at him and struggle to get out of his grip, which is surprisingly very tight today.

Usually, he holds me softly but, today he locked my arm behind me and pressed it against my back as my chest was pressing against his.

"Cayson, let me go," I demand but he doesn't react.

Shockingly, he tilts his head sideways and looks at me with an intense face. This is so much unlike him. He is a happy person as I have figured.

"Venus, what's the matter?" He asks in his deep and sexy voice.

Shut up, I tell my mind.

There's nothing sexy about him.

I sigh and roll my eyes. "Seriously? First my friends and, now you too?" I scoff and he looks at me in a confusing manner.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that I'm fine, so please stop asking me about it. The only matter is that I'm tired and I'd like to be left alone. Please," I say and he starts to loosen his grip on my forearm and I quickly pull it to myself and take a step backwards.

"Then why are you ignoring me?" He asks and I look away. "Have I done anything wrong?"

Aww, he is so cute.

It's not you Cayson, it's me and my depressed self which is wrong on so many levels.

I don't know how to tell you about this when I haven't even told my friends about it. They would understand as they have seen me go through it before but you? You won't.

I'm just keeping some distance between us so when you do hate me, it will be easy for me to get used to being without you and your silly jokes and compliments.

You have started to grow on me, little shit. Maybe more than you should.

This is why I don't let anyone in but you broke the wall that I created and just barged in, unannounced.

I need to take more control of myself. I have ignored him for couple of weeks, I can do it for some more.

Ignoring him isn't an easy task when he's everywhere. Everyday after school I sing with him as we rehearse for our upcoming performance.

"Venus?" He shakes me from my shoulders and I come back to reality.

"I told you Cayson, I'm just tired and I need some time alone," I say and he lets go of my shoulders and I look at him.

He seems like he is tired of my shit and can't take it anymore. Like he is giving up on trying to talk to me.

I'm sorry.

I turn around and sigh as I keep walking to my car. It had to be this way. Ending it before it started seems better than starting it and later on breaking your heart.

___