"So when are we listening to your guys' new songs?" Kate asks, eyeing Cayson who is sitting down right next to me.

I turn my head and find him staring at me as he smiles and looks towards Kate. "Don't worry Kate, it's very soon. Right Stavish?"

I nod in response and look at the boys who don't seem quite pleased with any of this. Chris is sitting down next to Kate with a straight face. On the other side of Kate sits Ian, tilting his head and examining Cayson.

Whereas Tyler is sitting down next to Ian, who is currently searching up something on his phone and looking at Cayson back and forth.

I have no idea how long they will take to get used to Cayson.

It has been almost a whole month since Cayson has been hanging out with us, but they still didn't get along that well.

Cayson and I started to grow a lot more closer than I would've thought. Whenever we are free, we always create new songs and beats.

It is a usual thing nowadays. It's like a daily routine now.

I laugh as Cayson cracks a joke while Chris fakes a laugh and then goes back to staring at him.

"Excuse me?" I say and stand up as I pull Chris with me to the side.

"Oww," he groans and I let go of his shirt. "What was that for?"

"For not letting Cayson feel like he belongs here. Chris, what's wrong with you?" I almost whisper-yell and he rolls his eyes.

"Don't even pull that belonging stunt on me Vee, I have been there before and it didn't turn out to be good. We just don't want to get close to him until we know for sure that later on he won't breaks your heart," he says with a small smile playing on his lips.

"It's fine Chris, he isn't like Liam. Liam was manipulative and a real bitch when it came to you guys but you still accepted him for me. This time, it's different," I start and sigh after my last sentence and looking away for a second before looking back at his hazel brown eyes.

"This is Cayson," I say and smile as my eyes travel back to where he was sitting down.

He started laughing as violet said something and glanced towards me before winking. A huge smile crept onto my face as I look away.

As I'm blushing away, I don't notice Chris staring at me. I take a final look at Cayson before turning my attention to Chris who's now staring at me with a smirk playing on his lips.

I quickly stop smiling and clear my throat. "So, be good to him," I say before turning around and walking back to the table.

___

"Stavish, wanna go grab some ice cream?" Cayson asks me as I'm writing down some notes for my AP Psychology class.

I look up about to answer but suddenly my hand starts shaking slowly. I put the pen down and quickly pull both of my hands below the table where no one can see them.

"Are you okay?" Cayson asks and I nod.

"You sure?" Violet asks and I nod again.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath in as the tremors start to fade away slowly. When I know they are completely gone, I open my eyes and look at Cayson.

My tremors are getting worst but I can't even go to the hospital without telling mom about it.

I sigh.

I'm a mess and he doesn't deserve that.

I slowly form a smile and look down. "I uh- have to study for AP Psych. Maybe, next time?"

He smiles. "Sure, that'll be great. Just hoping the next time is tomorrow," he says and slowly stands up and leaves.

I turn my head around and watch him leave. He didn't like it that I said no to him but maybe it's for the best.

I watch him as he is walking farther and farther away from me. He hops into his car and leaves in an instant.

I breath out and turn to face my friends who are currently sitting across me while Ian is next to me. "What?"

"What, what?" Kate asks, disappointed and her nostrils literally flaring.

My confused eyes follow her eyes and my eyes land on violet who seems just as pissed as Kate. I look at Chris who doesn't seem very happy while Tyler and Ian just smile to themselves.

"What?" I ask again.

Kate slams her hand on the table and everyone turns around to face her. She looks around and find the whole cafeteria staring at her as she is about to turn her dramatic mood on.

"What?" She yells and everyone goes back to doing their thing and Kate looks back at me. "Why did you say no?"

"I didn't say anything," I put my hands in the air in a dramatic manner for a moment before picking up my pen and starting writing.

"Oh stop it Vee, you know as well as I that you wanted to go out with him," she starts and i pause to look at her for a second before resuming my notes. "Why'd you say no?"

I carry on with writing my notes and try not to answer her. But, if not her, then violet starts.

"Yeah, he was super sweet about it and you have been to that ice cream place with him. Then, why'd you say no?" Violet asks and I sigh deeply.

"Well, as I told him, I have to study for AP Psych," I answer and I turn the page and write down more notes.

"We know you Vee. You don't need to study, because you have a photographic memory."

I don't respond and keep my mind busy with AP Psych. "Really, the silent treatment?"

"You aren't listening to me when I say that I have to study," I reply back and Kate scoffs.

"Yeah? Well, keep making excuses cause I'm not buying it."

"Then stop asking me about it because that's all you're gonna get," I argue back, annoyed.

There is a long pause in between as none of them talk and just look at me. I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I'm writing my notes.

Guess who's bitch mode is on?

Fuck.

I sigh and stop writing for a moment and look up to find concern on their faces. Kate looks at me how she used to when I was a drug addict. Chris looking at me as if his child said bad word for the first time in front of him. Violet and Tyler stay silent and try their best to not say anything. While Ian just stays silent and tries his best to not make anything awkward or weird.

"Vee, are you okay?" Kate asks and I nod.

"You sure?" Chris asks.

"You need anything?" Tyler asks.

"You're okay, right?" Violet asks.

I loose it. "Can you guys just stop asking me if I'm okay? Because I'm fucking fantastic. Now just do your own shit and leave me alone," I shout before packing my things and I leave.

___

I wash my face with cold water and look at my reflection. How much I loathe myself right now.

How could I shout at my friends?

They're my friends.

I take a deep breath as I close my eyes and slowly breathe out. I open my eyes and look down to find my pills.

I try hard. I fight with my head but I can't stop.

I'm an addict again.

I quickly swallow couple of pills down and walk to my bed.

I think about how I hate myself for screaming at my friends. All they do is care for me. But, I don't want them to.

Because of me they have seen enough bad days. I don't want them facing more. They deserve to be happy and staying away from me will accomplish that.

I will make it my life's mission to stay away from them and Cayson. If it means that they will be happy at the end.

I don't trust myself anymore with the drugs.

Last time, they saved me, but this time I'm not so sure I want to be saved. It led me in the same direction as before, a little later but it did.

They did everything in their power to help me recover. They put their education on the line. I can't let them do that anymore.

I close my eyes as I hug my pillow. Suddenly I take my phone out and dial a number.

"Hello?" A lady says on the other end.

"Is this St. Mary hospital?"

"Yes and how may I help you?"

"I wanted to schedule an appointment with a doctor."

"Sure, Can I get your name and phone number?"

"Venus Stavish," I say and then tell her my phone number.

"Thank you so much."

"Can it be a neurologist?"

"Sure Miss. Stavish. Your appointment is tomorrow at 4:30."

"Thank you so much and have a great night."

"You too Miss. Stavish."

I hang up and sigh as I lay down on my bed and curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep.

___