After viewing the Professor's ink, it kept repeating in my mind. Trying to be cognizant of my reality wasn't something I could arrange at that moment as I fled from the clinic. I couldn't even cry as I was in a shock. I didn't know what to do. Although I still didn't remember, I felt like I couldn't breathe. How can I face my grandmother with this realization? How can I tell anyone about this? But most of all, how can I answer my creator?

I sow Ayaaz car parked outside the clinic as he was waiting for me. I quickly entered the car, and he started bashing me with questions.

"Are you cured yet?" He started as if he knew something went wrong, but I knew I couldn't tell him, he would literally kill me this second.

"Salam Wahaj, how was your day" I prompted, "Why don't you ask those kinds of inquiries instead of your stupid question ?" I abruptly said as I was in a distressed state.

I hated Ayaaz driving me around, but I didn't have a choice. My grandmother didn't allow me to drive after the car accident. My aunts were either in the cafe shop or helping my grandmother in the mansion. While Eylul didn't ride her car or left the house ever since her mother's death. She wasn't even able to breathe without one of us reminding her to do so, unlike Ayaaz, who didn't seem to even care.

"Do you want me to talk to Mrs chamberlain to change the therapist ?" He asked after my unexpected response.

"No, she was nice enough to pay for it" I replied to his question as I looked out of the window. "I don't think the problem is the therapist, the problem is that I am looking for answers in people when my issues will only be solved by Allah," I replied as the rest of the drive became silent.

**************

It had been a few days since the therapy session, everything became senseless after that. I forthwith knew for sure that I didn't dream of the Professor, just saying this made my head spin, and my guts to be turned.

As for my engagement with Elian, he hadn't talked to me, and his mother has avoided my grandmother's phone calls. In a way, I think he knew something happened in those twenty-one days and he was too much of a coward to face me and say anything about it.

He just sent his sister to pick up the ring, he gave me, and that was the last I heard from him even in college, he demanded to be switched to another building.

I tried my best to hide how much pain I was actually in. Most mornings, I would get up and barf everything I ate last night. Breathing normally was a chore, I had to force myself to smile most of the time, and I felt like I was in a constant state of waiting. For what, I'm not really sure, but I was continually anxious.

I knew the moment anyone found out that I wasn't a virgin anymore, I would be forced to either leave the house or run away. I tried to think of why would I do such a thing when I genuinely believe that it was wrong, I then began reciting the Quran to bring ease to my heart.

"Say: O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily, Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (Surah Az-Zumar 39:53)

I couldn't hold myself from crying as I read this verse, and as I cried, my grandmother came into my room.

"Ohh I thought you were Eylul," She said at first as I began to wipe my tears. "Why were you crying, Habibti?" She was concerned as she hurried to sit next to me.

She then looked at the book I was holding, "Do you know Wahaj, The Prophet said: Seven people Allah will give them His Shade on the Day when there would be no shade but the Shade of His Throne (i.e., on the Day of Resurrection): And they are: ... and a man who remembers Allah in solitude and his eyes become tearful. (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)So don't be ashamed of those tears but embrace them," My grandmother finishes.

"I will let you continue," She says with such a sparkle of proudness in her eyes that it made me shameful.

*************

After two weeks of being in this state, I think everyone just assumed that's how I was. Monday afternoon, I got my grades back for Professor. Yilmaz class, I got a D+ which was a fail since a C was the passing grade with a ridiculous face drawn at the top in red, with a note saying, "I warned you!"

I knew I failed the moment I entered the exam, and he was there. I left the test with 5 questions not answered out of 20 short note as I wanted to go to the bathroom and barf everything the moment I lay eyes on him.

Most of my class failed because of the compressed period he gave us to study and the reality that he didn't prepare us for those materials, we tried to complain to the dean about this, but she replied with the same answer the Professor gave us, "Welcome to college,"

As the final week of the semester approaches, the campus is buzzing with excitement. Unlike my case, since I failed, I got to take a reset exam which is in twenty days from today, and I needed to prepare as for Mariam, she passed with flying colours by a B which was the highest mark. Alhamdulillah, I was genuinely happy for her.

My classes finished on Tuesday. I passed all of my classes except Yilmaz's. Most of my classmates were the same case as mine, so I decided to take a walk to the library to return some books and check out some new ones for Prof. Yilmaz's reset exam before the other students get to them first.

As I was leaving the library, rushing across the quad, cursing myself for coming out so late when the weather is so bad when I hear his voice.

"Wahaj!"

I freeze and turn slowly. "Professor." My teeth chatter as a particularly icy blast of wind rushes all around me as I was also surprised of his sudden interest to talk to me.

He was wearing a high white neck with a coat, the sleeves rolled up to show the delicate swirl of black ink on his milky skin. He didn't seem daunted by the wind and the cold weather, but He looked like an actor on a stage, staring right ahead, as the wind turned in his favour.

I was breathless as I hadn't spoken to him since the therapy session, not even after I got my grade. I hadn't confronted him of anything since I was afraid of the answer. He, on the other hand, didn't seem puzzled, but like he had all the answers and was just waiting for me to ask, but I didn't have the guts.

"You need a ride home?" He asked with a small smile appearing on the tip of his mouth.

He's devastatingly handsome in his double-breasted grey pea coat and red scarf with the high white neck. His hair and his short beard have got longer over the last few weeks, almost like he's using it as winter insulation. I swallow my shock with a small smile.

I knew my reset exam would be graded by him and I didn't want to give him any other reason to fail me since I knew that me splashing water on him may provoke him to provide me with an F as a mark.

"Oh no, I rather walk," I say afraid of what will happen if I got into his car again.

"You got cumbersome books with you," He stated the fact as they were really heavy to carry.

"Oh no, I'm fine. It's only like a fifteen-minute walk anyway," I say as I was holding my guts down as I wanted to vomit.

Was it reasonable that every time I see his face, I was to discharge everything I ate?

He sighs, weary. "Whatever suits you, Dory." He concludes.

Was that a nickname, what happened in those twenty-one days that he thinks that I am the kind of girl that would quickly go with him to the car or the type of girl who would give a nickname to. I had to stop him.

Somehow, I find the strength to open my mouth and say "Professor, I remember what happened between us, and I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I am not interested," I said in a rough voice.

"Dory, you don't remember if you did you wouldn't be standing here," He says dismissively not even turning his face to face mine.

"Ms Muhammad," The Professor says it pointedly, his voice hoarse and low. "Everything you think you know are crumps that I gave you," I could see a smirk appearing as his left side came into view.

"This isn't one of your tests, professor, this is life... My life," I hold my hand in a fist shape as I drop the books I was holding into the ground. "You raped me, didn't you ?" I carry everything I had on the line as I say these words.

Breathe, I tell myself. Inhale...hold...exhale. It's like a code for me to follow as the Professor walks toward me. The breathing wasn't doing anything, my chest muscles refuse to move, my lungs remaining stubbornly deflated.

He chuckles, lifting his own hand near his neck. My eyes follow the motion and get stuck on the bob of his Adam's apple.

What an unusual body part to find beautiful. Mashallah...

I then look at his hand to find a ring on it, similar to the ring I found in the hospital that the nurse stated it belonged to me, "Ohh for crying out loud," He says frustrated, "We are married, Dory." He ceases.

Memories of a ceremony began to flood my mind as images of my Profesor danced around in my vision. Him and I as I appear in a white dress. Him and I eating a cake. The Professor in his bed. Me in his bed.

Ya Allah, What have I done?