It has been over three months since Selena's suicide. The kids and I decided to cremate her corpse. Honestly, I could not afford a funeral. Especially not after becoming a newly single mother of two kids. Besides that, the fact of the matter is no one would have shown up to the funeral anyway.

What has gotten me really worried though, is the fact that Kyle has not shed one tear over the death of his mother. He has not grieved in any way, and he acts like he is not bothered by it at all. However, I know that he is in pain; he just does not want to confront his emotions.

Although Khloe is only two, she understands that her mom is no longer alive and is not coming back. She was sad for a few days and barely touched her food. Khlo did not really communicate with anyone, and it took a while for her to realize her mom is gone forever, but because of the lack of relationship she had with Selena, she quickly moved on.

As for me, I do not even have time or the privacy to grieve over my sister. I don't want my kids to see me broken. I need to be strong for them. I'm not going to lie, no matter how much of an excuse as a mother she was to her kids, I still loved her. She was still my sister, and the only living relative I had besides her kids when she was alive.

"I'm going to pick the biggest pumpkin ever!"

Kyle says loudly with excitement in the back seat of my car.

I've noticed lately he has been too anxious and happy for a boy who lost the only parent he knew. I don't know if his display of excess happiness is to mask the pain that is on the inside, but I'll be there when he wants to confront his pain.

"I want a pink pum-pin!"

Khloe shouts just as loudly as her brother did.

"It's pronounced pump-kin Khlo, and there is no such thing as a pink pum-pin- I mean pumpkin"

I laugh as Kyle makes the same mistakes he scolds his sister for.

"We can paint her pumpin pink."

I say smiling at him.

"Then can we paint mine red?"

He widens his eyes with excitement.

"Of course! Anything you want Sugarplum."

It is a week until Halloween, and I want to take the kids' minds off their mother today. So, I decided to take them pumpkin picking today so that we can decorate our apartment for the holiday.

After a few hours of driving and snacks, we finally get to the 'pumpins'. We each pick a tiny pumpkin to decorate individually and a big one to decorate together.

There was a park where we played soccer in with Kyle's soccer ball, and when we got hungry we stopped at the farmer's market. We each had pumpkin pie, cherry juice and a turkey sandwich.

On our way back, Kyle and Khloe were knocked out. I knew with all the activity we did today they were going to be out like a light. I'm just glad that they seemed to be having fun. Kyle goes back to school in a couple of weeks and I don't know if Khloe is ready to start a daycare with everything that has happened over her mom.

My phone rings and when I pick it up, I notice it is an unfamiliar number. I decide to answer it and an unfamiliar voice plays from the speaker of my phone.

"Hello. Is this Laila Clyne?"

A women's voice lets out.

"Who wants to know?"

"Well, I am the landlord of Selena- your late sister's apartment. I understand that this is a tough time for you, but I need someone to clear her stuff or I will have to throw it away."

"You can just throw them all away."

I state without really thinking about whether or not I want to keep anything that might have a value from my sister.

"Laila. I think you should really check out some of the stuff your sister left before you decide to just throw it away."

She states in a more serious tone.

Okay...

"Okay, I'll be there tomorrow morning. Ten o'clock."

I state.

"Do you have a key?"

She asks.

"Yes, I do. Thank you."

"No problem. Accept my condolences Laila. Selena had problems, but we all do. She was a good person at heart. She just could not help it."

She hangs up the phone before I could respond.

I could not help it.

What does that even mean?

I look at my rearview mirror and see that my two sugarplums are still sleeping. I'm grateful because I don't know how I feel about them hearing that conversation.

I stop at a red light and look in my contacts. Once I find the number I've been looking for, I call it.

"Hey, Lai."

My friend greets me.

"Hey, Henry. Would you happen to be free tomorrow morning?"

"Why you want to take me out to breakfast tomorrow?"

He jokes.

"Sure!"

"For real?"

He asks in disbelief.

"Of course as long as you're paying!"

We both laugh at my joke.

"What do you want from me, Ms. Clyne?"

I let out a sigh.

"Well I have to pick up Selena's things from her apartment tomorrow morning at ten, and I don't know if I would be able to carry all of her stuff in my car."

"Sure. No problem! Are you taking Ky and Khlo with you? If you want, they can stay with my mom. She's baking tomorrow and we know how much Mom loves them."

I smile knowing my sugarplums would love that. We are obsessed with Aunty Rachel's baking.

"Thank you so much. I know they will love that."

"Great. So you'll bring the kids by my mom, and you and I will just leave from there with my van?"

He suggests.

"Okay Perfect. Thank you so much. See you tomorrow."

"And Lai if there's anytime you need something or feel like talking, I'm here for you. Remember that."

I pause for a moment and take in his words.

"That means a lot to me, Henry. Thank you."

.............................

"So how have you been? I mean for real."

I roll my eyes at Henry's questions as I put on my seat belt.

"What do you mean by when you say 'for real?"

"Exactly what I said. I want to know how you are coping with everything that is going around you. You've become an official mother of not just one, but two children. You lost your sister, and now you smile everyday acting like you're happy- just so you can act strong for Kyle and Khloe."

A tear threatens to run down my cheek, but I quickly wipe it.

Henry has always been able to read me since we were kids; he always knows what I am trying to hide. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing.

"Laila. I'm sorry I did not mean to upset you."

He then double-parks his van in the middle of the empty street, unbuckles his seatbelt, and leans in to give me a hug.

I do not fight his caring embrace. God knows I desperately need a hug.

"I know you are stressing right now, and are trying to be strong for the kids, but you owe it to yourself to be weak once in a while and cry. It's okay to not be strong all the time."

I close me eyes to relish the hug from my best friend. He's always been their for me, even when I did not have family around to be there for me.

"I don't have anytime or privacy to be weak. I don't even know how to encounter my sadness. There's just too much of it"

I admit.

"Well I hope you make time to encounter it. If you ever do, I'm here to lend you a shoulder to cry on."

I don't feel like talking anymore about this subject, so I put on the radio to change the mood.

Henry seems to get the message, because he buckles back his seatbelt and starts driving again.

.......

"This place is surprisingly so clean."

Henry comments as we enter inside my sister's apartment.

"I know. Total contrast in juxtaposition to the outside of this building."

This neighborhood is just disgusting. There is garbage everywhere, dirty people, gang bangers- no wonder Benjamin Smith was able to hide here without being noticed. He fitted right in.

It pains me every day to think of what my niece and nephew probably went through. I don't know why Selena never moved in with me. If she did this all would not have happened and she's be alive-"

Henry cuts off my thoughts.

"Well, we always knew Selena to be a clean freak. I swear she had OCD."

"I know she had to have at least one undiagnosed disease."

I go to her closet. Luckily there's not a lot of stuff here since she gave me her kids stuff when they moved in with me.

I immediately dump the men's clothing, which I'm guessing is Benjamin's, into my garbage bag.

Henry and I spend the whole day putting her stuff in boxes and by the time the sun starts to go down, we manage to strip her apartment bare.

"So what are you going to do with all her stuff?"

I shrug my shoulders

"Salvation Army I guess. Maybe pawn some stuff."

"You should keep this."

He hands me a big photo album. I look at the first picture, and it's a big family photo with our parents hugging 6 year old Selena and 4 year old me.

It dawns on me that I'm the only one alive in that picture, and immediately I close the album.

We load everything in Henry's giant van.

.............

"You guys had fun at Aunty Rachel's house today?"

That's what I call Henry's mom. She's like family to me.

"Yes!"

Khloe shouts.

"I had so much brownies. I almost fainted!"

Kyle shouts with a big smile.

I walk them to their room and tuck them in bed.

"She gave us a container of threats so tomorrow you guys can get some more cavities."

I say making Kyle laugh.

Khloe joins the laughter only because she sees us all laughing. I bet she does not even know how to say cavity.

We say our prayers and I sing them a lullaby. I give Khloe a hug and am about to leave after giving Kyle one, but he calls my name and stops me.

"I love you Lai-lai"

He says causing me to smile.

"I love you greater Ky-Ky"

I say while giving him another kiss on the cheek.

"I love you Lai-Lai and Ky-Ky."

Khloe then says softly.

"I love you more Khlo."

I respond giving her a kiss on the forehead.

I might not have given birth to these kids, but I will love them and take care of them for the rest of my life- as if I did. These kids are my soul. I love them so much, and I just want to protect them from experiencing any more sadness.

..............

Today was the first day Ky went to school since his mother's passing. I was going to enroll Khlo in daycare, but Aunty Rachel insisted that I let Khloe stay with her because she enjoys the company. I was grateful too because I don't know if I should send her to preschool yet. I know kids start to get more prone to sicknesses once they start school. I would never forget the first week Kyle went to school and came back with ringworm.

Ew.

"Laila. I am so embarrassed by my hair."

My client tells me.

She died her hair an ugly skittle green color.

"You need to stop following that YouTube. How dare you experiment with the health of your hair."

I scold her.

Her hair looks so limp, dry and damn it just looks like shit.

"Do you think you would be able to fix it? Can you give me a miracle Lai?"

She asks looking like she is about to cry.

"Sure. It won't be easy though, make sure you never do this attempted suicide to your hair again."

Suicide...

Selena.

I start to think about my loved one selfishly leaving her family behind with no positive memories.

"Leah!"

My boss' daughter Shouts purposefully calling me a different name from the one she knows to be mine.

"Yes bítch"

I mumble causing my client to laugh at me.

"Why does she always do that?"

My client Jackie asks me.

"She does not like me because I do not have to wear butt pads to have a firm ass."

Jackie and I laugh as my boss' flat ass daughter walks up to me.

"Lily you ain't hear me calling you?"

She says while standing next to me.

I still ignore her.

"Lily!"

She shouts while taping my arm just to provoke me.

"Please Ana not today."

I say with venom in my voice.

"Look there's a man at the door here. He asked to speak to you and said it is an emergency."

My eyes widen. Who could this be? Henry? Is Khloe okay?

"Excuse me for one moment please."

I worriedly tell Jakie.

"No problem hun."

I run to the front of the store and am met with a sinfully handsome man in a navy blue trench coat, and khakis. He also has on leather boots, and it is not till he clears his throat that I realize I am blatantly checking him out. I want to look away, but when my eyes connect with his blue ones I don't know what to do.

Wow.

His Jacket brings out his eyes. I notice he is staring at me too, and an emotion flashes in his eyes. Before I can tell what it is, he opens his mouth.

"Let me know when you are finish eye rapping me, so I can tell you what I am here for!"

He says this so angry and bitterly that I am embarrassed.

"You're lucky I'm on the clock Mr. Ass-"

"Laila!"

Susie the secretary scolds me.

I take a deep breath in, and try to steadily exhale.

I can not help it. I am just so hurt by the blatant rejection.

"Look Susie I have no idea who this arrogant boy is, nor do I care. So, if you will excuse me, I am going back to work."

I turn and walk back to Jackie.

"Clearly you are delusional or dumb as fuck, because anyone with half a brain can see I am not a boy. After eye raping me for so long, I would hope that even a person with you're capacity of stupid would be able to see that. And frankly, you should get to know me considering the fact that I am Kyle's supposedly father according to this letter I received from Selena."

My jaw drops and I see Susie's does too.

"Impossible. Someone as sweet as my Kyle can not come from an arrogant piece of fu-"

"Laila!"

Susie scolds me... again.

He smirks.

"Thank you, and I agree that I am not the father to that bastard, but this is what she mailed me."

He shows me a letter in Selena's handwriting saying that Kyle is this arrogant prick's child, and if he does not believe it, he should get a test done.

"So we shall just have this paternity test done, so I can move on with my life. Thank you."

I get so angry at this man for disrespecting me and Kyle and being so quick at wanting to get rid of Kyle. It is a good thing Kyle could never be related to such a cold-blooded reptile anyway.

"Why waste your time? We know he's not yours. Lets just act like this never happened."

He chuckles.

"I want to frame the results and hang it on my wall above my bed. I want to look at it everyday and smile knowing that I dodged another bullet, and escaped taking care of another bastard child's mother with unnecessary child support money that ends up benefiting the mother more than the bastard."

I can't control the anger I feel and as a result, I lose my temper.

I end up punching that man so hard in the fact that I give him a black eye.

"Laila Clyne! Pack your station and don't unpack it ever again.

You're fired!"

My boss yells at me when she sees what I just did.

Everyone in this crowded salon is looking at me with shocked expressions.

My bosses daughter is behind her laughing, and I am actually grateful that I am fired, because now I can slap her without worrying about the repercussions, and that is exactly what I do.

I slap her so hard her wig falls off. The same wig she swore was in fact hair that grew from her scalp.

"Sayanora bitches"

I state and I smile at the fuming ass hole I black-eyed.