The white walls looked white, probably. And now the canvas infront of me was white.layering had finished, how quaint, does that mean big? White as white. This modified toothbrush in hand. Swaying in rhythm with the lonely boat on a lake, trying to find the genius in all of this. I wish the trees would stay still, but they have drifting away at sea without an anchor, out on journey, i couldn’t be happier for them, please god let them have a safe passage to where they want to go- what was I thinking. I can describe it actually. But how about we start from the very top to distract myself from what i was thinking now, my mind is already on the third paragraph describing everything- wait for me. Everything until this point… Maybe I should row up to a waterfall and as i am falling down after struggling and squeezing the word no to be heard by the camera over the throthing move od the water below, it freeze frames voiceover of me now crystal clear to your ear is now playing, saying i wonder how you think i got here? You wonder how i got here? Hey, thats me, i wonder how i got here? Yes that is me, you are right, but i am wondering if your wondering how I got here, well let me explain? How’s it going! Yeah thats me, the one rowing a small boat full of art supplies off a waterfal? I think it is because it is not explodey with wickedness enough, or crazy, unexplained, out of content things that look the most ridiculous, that that won’t work. I am here to paint the landscape, do you think I have the creativity to come up with something like that, i need all the creative juices I can get and pour it directly through my eyes, so I can come out with a thought at the end of this that doesn’t make... How about i just start.

An unexplainable scenario? Might help me to start drawing. But no i didn’t come all this way, I arrived with intention and I already declared to my bed that today wasn’t a day i would spend thinking about such worthless things. I woke up today, how craze. I don’t think i meant that, is there a way i can take it back? Anything i should bring up that i have carried from yesterday. How was your week or month should be asked alongside how was your day. Well i am the one asking the question so i should answer first to show what i mean by this thing that people might not get, I’m the only one here why did i state it like that. I mean it is for me, and therefore… i might not get it. But as i look at the reflections of the natural wildlife being part of the life it is imitating but not being it, or part of it exactly. I draw in a deep breath and look at the sky, look at the sun and think of burning my eyes out, but i look down, today was a good day, i learned something, i deeply started to understand something, this is huge. I grew a bit today.

I don’t need to wack around in my head for this. But as i talk i can see myself in the water, outside of my own head, my consciousness switched into the reflection in the water, an impossible angel where the boat and me are directly underneath, insepertable, yeah i don’t think they call those reflections. Am i trapped, perhaps trying to reach out to the real me. That could be a painting, I can see it, what kinds of emotions does it bring up inside me, is it worth seeing, worth putting my time and effort into makes something, this something, this thought, this idea this, mental image. Have me up in the real world, have a blurry face like i was in the water, I didn’t come here for that though, I’m positively sure faces don’t do that. It could be a statement, i am trapped in the water, help. I don’t know. Maybe my time would’ve been spent better if i crank out the old fishing rod i would have to buy from the store and call today Fishing Thursdays, the only day the fish think they are safe, so i strike because I’m immoral. Could’ve learfnt fishing instead of coming here to paint. Fishing sounds more fun than this. I am looking out to the landscape and trying to say where and how can i make you look your best for me, don’t forget to smile.Talking about smiling faces, I haven’t seen any fish, not a single one was curious enough to say hello, which is strange, all the times i came here on vacation i would always spot some great big ones in here, would brighten up my daily walks, tells me that they already up too, and working hard about there day, felt like i wasn’t alone and that i wasn’t doing the wrong thing, I definitely start to speed up after i pass the berry bushes surrounding the lake. But i see no fish now, and no birds flying in the sky, the lake seems frozen actually, i am the only that is moving in time, no signs of life from nature or the land. I am not second guessing my decision to come here haha. That’s for sure argh.

The answer to the is anything going on with you recently, i would say no, the normal, nothing going on, if you were to tally up my days and take away the similarities between each day then you would agree with me. I did talk to a gardner that came to the wrong house, that was fun. Well what did i do when i woke up, i got up, well yeah. Then i got dressed and left the house. Put the things i wqent to the store to buy.

And then i complain about Jarred for a bit. Yes i complain about Jarred for a bit. Give me my time and space. I think i may be sick. The putrid the disgusting, smell of that man, i can’t believe he goes home alone, on his moped scooter, and he dresses up his still red bag with yellow and black flowers of the kind that is stolen from a backpack of someone who delivers flowers. He comes up to them and vanishes before there sight and then he takes what he wants, even if he isn’t the one who is going to be using any kind of things that are similar to his obsessions, i would know, i know this person more than i know my own neighbours. Jarred rant over. He who is he, knows what he has done to me, and first of most should’ve came to me by my own volition.

The water is darker than i expected, maybe i should try again, the trees look too big, there trunks wouldn’t look this big if it was at that distance. And iud you are not going to draw the birds and toads fully rather than a further away silliuhoutte then maybe the shouldn’;t be included, what do they bring to the picture anyway. Some balance to the empty landscapes, giving it life. I don’t think so. If the water, if the trees if the sky does not give your painting an essence of life and beaty then adding small blobs representin creatures will not do the same, it will give your painting an even more empty feel, just with more blobs. There could be some artistic interpretations that can give way and exceptions for sure but all of it depends on the intention behind the painting and as the painting becomes public display they are not going to see your transcrip to the side describing what you where going for, they are going to have there own judgements about what they see, making them go, oh wow, oh, okay that alright. This judgement, this belief in the artists work. What they meant is something discussed alot when painting. Where does the line of what you create leave your hands. The moment you finish painting or the moment you put it out there for public viewing, when can the, you don’t get it, actually this was what i was going for be enough. Is it enough for your own viewing at home, the pleasure you acquire from looking at your own work, beleiivng you did something specifically magical, you were there for the entire process, you can see the vision of it inside your own head. But this is normally connected with hate, a lot of hate, especially when doing it you comprisied alot, and those compromising from the ideal picture fades for your family and friends but for you, that is the only thing you see. And why is that expected of you and not the public when it is out there to show your talent. This is also related to the loving something so much more than it is expected other people to like, given its objective greatness. Using greatness and not skill, or talent or stegthn of work as those are pieces of greatness, you run, that is greatness, because another person ran and they achieved greatness. Same with painting. The greatness, is so twisted in your mind that you lash out to others when they dont see it. Especially if you are not a great person. I think this is the first time i made up the greatness passage. I like it alot. I think it is the first time because it isn’tthe first time that I have gone out of my way to praise myself for a thought or an idea that is worth its weight in gold and i go to clean out my computer and i see a sticky note with the exact same thing written in there, all alone forgotten. I had this is me for a while. And now i celebrate it, well of course of course, ideas like that come to me in weights of plenty. Ho ho ho. Hardly have the time to congratulate myself on every single one. Preposterous pandering indeed. Good job me. All of this because the water was darker and the trees were thicker then they have any right to be. There is a part of me that is saying this looks good and there is another part of me that wants to sink it in the lake. The floor plattered with my failed painting of what it truly is. But i dont think mother nature would appreciate my art if its polluting the bottom of her lake. But the artistic quality and what it stands for and represents. Please bvelive me and see my love from my act of petulance. I think she would give me an act of art to my backside that i would never forget. Enough about mother. An interesting question to pose to end my suffering and just add the blobs to make it look alright. How is. And this might seem stupid because we do it every day, but how is art supposed to be consumed. We have definitely over saturated that market as well right. Not in the way that there is too much, but why not, lets start at there is too much. In that our lives have turned into some kind of art to be sold, our interactiomns with this world and with other people have become something that can be used and sold as entertainment, as some form of art. The art of, i don’t know, life the everyday things that happen around the world, that was never going to be available to us because of how small our lives are are now seen as something that other people, all around the world might not be experiencing and might not know anything about and therefore can be used to be put out there so someone might see it, consider it art and enjoy it. I am using everyday interactions and putting them in the art category because that is what i do, things that people want to do, always wanted to do, but never had the means to actually go out and do it, this life had a variety of activities to offer, and it is offered to everyone, not everyone can do it or wants to do everysingle thing that can be done around the world, different situations circumstances as well. People seeing people from the comfort of there own homes, to build a connection with something that they are seeing, they are interpreting that way anyway. Thats what i think my success is and how other people around me are gaining popularity and are slowly replacing the everyday tv. Art, entertainment it is evolving. Now for the sake of the painting i am doing now i will explore this with all my might. Humph. Haha. Humanity evolves in all directions afterall. I should take what i know about my field and apply to my problems right now, the need of drawings to be a certain way. I don’t believe it, but some good motivation couldn’t hurt. Some fire in my soul, some understanding of life and makes the warm bunnies in our heart dance around the fire. To get myself from under the boat back inside my body to move my fingers, to live in the moment, to not only escape from home but now my body. I can’t help but feel like i am trying to escape at all cost. It is costing me my time, i am here and then i am there, and then i am somewhere else. It feels like i wanted to show, i wanted to get better and all that ended up happening was I showed and showed and showed, but no one was there to greet me to come pick me, up, i performed to the clouds and no thunder nor ray of lighting shone down on me to apply my experience my belief my being alive. I showed my heart and all i found within myself was me, my experiences, my actions my thoughts, my conclusions, i put it all out there and all i can see is me, i think i am getting somewhere, with the painting of me and the reflections, but how many times do i have to say that I am not doing that painting, i am developing that in my head, when my hands are occupied with something esle, if this was a different topic if this was in a different set of circumstances i could say this is what I think makes me work harder and preform better than the rest. But i am working on three different things, developing three different ideas. I can see them branching into each other with connections of topic, but they stand firmest alone. Without branching, that is called spreading yourself too fine. I’m not going to spread myself thin. I am going to talk about the idea i had. The sun moves you know, i can’t stay on this boat forever. I am getting cold and nasuesion from the smell, on second thought i take back my words about fishing being better, i am going to get an outline, and be happy with my day so far and move ontop the next agenda the next agenda. Happy.

Happy, we want to be happy, and there a millions ways for us to be happy, or not that wasn’t it is it. It is engaged, there are tens of millions of ways for us to stay engaged, make them happy and they will stay. Another branch here. We are supposedly here. A way off from a fantasy world, but as characters in those worlds are they, we are also here, the constant in art medium, there is a viewpoint, an observation, a consuming of what is in front of us. A portrait of a flower on the wall, a picture of a clown above the family tv, a video of a fathers kids first time riding a bike in his phone. Sitting there not viewed. There is the family dog falling down the stairs behind close doors, there is a satellite orbiting our planet. There are satellites that flew too far and are now lost in space. To be viewed, to start watching, press play and enjoy. Musical notes that are played again and again and again. A person who loves. A person who hates. A person who creates laughter. A person who smiles in the dark. The loved ones passing. The quite patter of dancing feet in a silent room. The drawing of the broom by an ameatur. Sweat pouring down a girl filled with glass. Whatever you do, wh

erever you go. Observation is working. There is a story to tell find it. Look at it.

Material wealth within the walls of a bank. A short toad making its way across the desert. Thinking about going back in time, thinking i am in a place where the walls around me are so thin. What can I see, what is it that is really pushing me forward. Maybe thinking about it that way in art isn’t sound. What do they do when they go to the a deserted beach. What if that day it is snowing and they are locked inside there homes. What would there homes look like, a plant or two maybe, Any memories of the people around you or the places that they have been or they have won. Nothing to remember them by? They wouldnt even think about that. They could not have thoughts of taking a trip and painting during the day to have something from your day out to remember those goods times. A painting that when you look at you will feel what you felt then, worth is put into it because it is something you don’t want to lose. A feeling it creates, you worship it. It becomes something that is part of you. Thinking about how it was before art became everyday life and entertainment came from the human, the mundane wouldn’t of felt the way i do. I feel privileged and blessed, scares me to stare at my pillow. It wasn’t my choice to be born in the here and now of today, in the cosmos which is where i reside, I don’t think it is possible to pick up the time of year it is on earth. Why is it consuming. Why is everything i experience now for consumption. I have become a part of that life, my life is up for consumption. Was it my choice, was it my fault that i fell in love with creating. I don’t think so, I didn’t have to be born in this time, I also didn’t have to have lived through my experiences. Nothing hard as the weather. That feeling of wanting to be part of something bigger than i was, to participate in a race against my own family. If you wanted to create something qwe were on the same page. But none of this would have happened in anyother sketch. Or i would have stumbled onto to it at some point, if I am keeping it broad and simple than yes i would like to be part of the world that isn’t here that people fade into from time to time, and now it has become a lot longer than time to time. More time in the stories of others lifes, filled with creative endevaours of looking at a petal falling onto a lake, lingering on that shot for a few seconds and realise as it is sinking that it is a metaphor about how the movie happened. And you scream in your seat that some kind of genius is behind the curtain, someone able to manipulate a shot that will follow so well with after the movie. A brilliant execution, using the normal, using what is given to you, create impact. That is something that people pay money, for. They could pay me, and my life became a part of it, trying to connect to the world and the place i belong in the universe. In the future, when i look back, when I am with family and they talk about there lives i can say I had a good time. That is where the if i didn’t experience this as a child maybe I wouldn’t of cared so much, maybe it wasn’t in the cards for me to want to become something mysterious that people could wonder at, something so materialstically not worth it, If aliens came to earth, they would pick me last in competency, but i keep the monkey laughing, i keep the attention of the monkey for long enough that the care takes can come and take its child away from it, because it has not been feeding it properly and have decided to take it into there own hands to take of the poor thing. It is inseparable, the emotions it creates with the impact it has on you. Stories, art. But when you yourself are an art piece then where does you draw the line. Where is it in the script to stop acting, When the stage is your world, where is the exit left sign. Where do you go when you recognise that this is all a play and that everything you do, every choice you make, is something that someone out there would encourage, would like, would want the show to continue. You can never leave because you yourself have become the art, become something that people want to see, you have become the center of attention. Now dance or not, we will still be entertained. Draw a picture of the moon. Paint your broken down clock. Fix your rusted bike, clear out your garage. It is something somewhere in there that keeps us watching. A person watching the person cleaning out there storage unit and you are watching them. Every context, every club have there big mysterious and cool things to say at parties to make everyone think that they have chosen right that what they are doing id of any importance, then pour the drink and take another shot. I like that, makes my job easier, i float in and show up and i am rewarded, the ultimate participation award for art, yourself.

I can see the painting coming together, I can feel early morning becoming morning. My thermost cup of coffee has become a comfort and a delight rather than a necessity to survive. I come to terms with the fact that it will get ruined from my paddling off to shore, i come to terms with the fact that it will add more energy and character to my piece, that it will have some mysterious fact, an interesting tale i could add to it, followed by a joke. It is my day out, my day off. If i dont want to follow the instructions left by me from the previous day then it is so up to me to not follow them. I have not disappointed you, you are me and now i am happy with my action and i am the one you said differently yet done the opposite, i am in control of my happiness. I choose to live in the world i have created for myself. Life is going exactly how i wanted it to go. I have all the flowers and sky to paint to put up on the wall, against the wall. Near the wall. Value is in my actions and the way i maneur through the crisies of lifes knot. Navigation sounds wrong, for i am not going somewhere. I am starting to get hungry as well, so I am fortunate to my current self that i have chosen to sail ashore and grap a couple things from my car and then I’m back to work. No no work, today is peace and quite there is no job no video for me to film. What filming equipment in the car just in case. I have no idea who you are talking to.

The floor is wet now, but that is just because i was indecent with my boating skills, considering it is the same as my swimming skills then it is no wonder. I do recognise from the comfort of my car that i realise how much of a perfect time it is for me to take a nap. The only thing that would make me go to sleep in an instance is rain. But I can’t. I can’t sleep in my car by the river, do I want to get murdered. I am not in a painting, time has not been captured. Sadly in dimension earth there is this silly small thing called time. Breeds the worst kinds of people znd situations. Don’t you think i would give my life up for an instant to live in this painting. In my car sleeping in the woods by the lake, realsing that the landscape i was drawing was nothing but two dimensional and it didn’t show the charcert behind it, the beauty behind it. But I already took an enormous risk coming here, and the me wanting to rest back in my seat, but the heater on and just clock out for an hour before my next appointment. It is said everywhere, if i could live in this moment forever i would, the brain fires some chemicals, and our hearts finally for a moment feel okay. And you have a moment to capture and creature this feeling forever, not a constant but ending it here, on a high note, not experiencing anything else, not constantly being stuck with the feeling because that sounds torturous, but the thought of this is enough. I am satisfied. It is kind of funny and sad at the next time, life is a game of emotions, tasks have been laid in front of you and you have been working through everything and at every turn you get a reward, a little boost from the mental, a kick in the right direction that you are doing everything you can and doing everything correct, you won, you are winning carry on, you can do better then this, i know there is a feeling beyond this, one final feeling that is purely all satisfaction, nothing else for a split moment is entering the brain. You done it. You followed your dreams you’ve beaten down your fears and have stepped up and achieved the extraordinary. One. two. You realise the moment, you want it to stay and it fades. The screen doesnt fade to black, there are no credits rolling. You can film an apple rolling down a mountain, and add it to your film, I can film a person say the same joke for the first time on camera and it’s. It’s just different You can have a heartfelt moment between two people, you can fight and hide at home, and guess what, it is the same as a scene from those movies, the situation the characters, to live the entertainment. Never shutting that off willing can be good. But for everyday people, it is nothing but misery, i mean come one, a move that doesn’t end a scene that doesn’t cut, where does that leave me, with you, my own head. A king has beheaded his villian and came home to his catsle that has been raided, comes home to find his wife dead holding their child, he comes over to them wailing. Kneeling. But more likely you come home really excited about your day and your beautifully magnificent plans you have perfectly planned out to find the home you come home to in complete shambles. Destruction awaits you. But oh wait, this would make a pretty scene, animals. Oh god the animals. I can’t look at an animal without them being so perfect for picture or video, and that stuff is just out there, right there. Some could reach out and get it, don’t you get it. Where do the rocks go when you throw them in the ocean. Sometimes it is too much, sometimes it is not enough. Sometimes it is okay if your big dreams haven’t come true, sometimes it is okay if you have spent all your effort and time and have pre-prepared equipment and told people about your plans for the day and the minute it is time for execution and action you fall short. Sometime at the end of planning is realsitaion, realsiation that there is this valley that sometimes shows up out of nowhere, to completely rock you to the bottom and stop you from moving. When that valley shows up, dont try to jump over it, you won’t succeed. You are already falling. That’s the joke, I wish i could fly. Well where does responsibility lie in creating art. Should people stop being interesting, will it go away after a buffer of realsing your life is also great. I’ve heard this from the tv talk show host Tommy Jones that when they were back in college that raves and themed parties where all the jazz, how it was popular to be unpopular, finally fantasy was here, the world was going to crap, I bet you heard it a bunch of times, The world was at its worst and it needed heroes, and thus heroes were born, just like heroes. And then the world got boring, everyone calmed down, normality settled and it was the new unpopular way of life, and thus people who showered in the irony of boredom raised to the top. And all we are are cranky frogs doing there little sounds. The place of art is to imitate the world around you, be the product of what already is. Become huge and gain responsibility talking about what everybody wants to hear, because if you aren’t it’s only because you weren’t heard. But there are thousands who would disagree with that. Do you think its funny to draw just a picture in the woods alone in your car. There is fear there for some and not for others. Stand behind it or run to the top, i think it is the same, i always come here and say my peace and then continue what i have been doing for the past few years. There is going to be no change, I was brought to see what I was meant to see, and does that limit creativity, does that limit free will, am I really not good enough, and why is coming up with that good enough for me and make it okay and put me in a place to get to those higher places. I was given a canvas to paint and some paint. You would be ridiculous to say that what you create is not at all or entirely based on the canvas you have and the paint you were given. You can stable anything you want on the canvas, you can use everytplahing other than paint. You can just show people the stand with no canvas, just an empty stand and it will be art, but those at the supermarket are 19.99. You were given art to create in the first place, if that responsibility wasn’t put in front of you, what you created wouldnt be art, that empty canvas would go on that shelf not on display. The platform of creations in forcing the looking glass to be pressed up against everyones faces that they cannot see reality any longer. And anything, anyone beside that is revered because there is no one left. If you laugh at a joke are you weird if that is of a cat pooping. Anything to create that economy in the mind, that system reality has built for you to trigger the little pomp pomps of activity. No different from anyother case of emotion. Now am i being two dimensional on this and not the required three dimenaionl to past the test? Drives, motivation and passions, when commonotised. It is not worth for me to get into, i am in the boat trying to create beauty. Whilst the guy trying to break into my car is seeing the other side of that beauty fifty feet away. I am not on the otherside. Is not being on the otherside and my inability to see it from anyother angle making my position as a faced pressed against the glass person a plageristic of the title of creator of art which is entertainment for someone. I just think I am on the otherside of the beauty you see. My painting. The finishing touches, the three dimenaionality is not taking account of everything on the otherside that contrepbutes in what i see but the inability for me to see anything other than what I see, and that there is a fear underneath of what lies below and the want to know what it feels like to stand on the otherside. To be anywhere else from where I am. Because I can’t, because I am here, which is creatively fulfilling because showing that indeed is some perspective and is valued over here, whatever you like there must be someone else that is entirely like you, like the classroom said, all geniuses think alike. Where do all the others go. The ones that haven’t activated any pompomps in my brain go, where is everyone i know that hasn’t done that for me go, has the question of why would they be here if they are not benefiting me in that way been challenge. Is the world doomed because I can’t create anything that is worth any pompomp activity. If casual conversation is out there to be eaten by the public then have we gone too far. I guess I’m too swayed too one side. I love those people i am listening on the otherside. I wouldn’t want to hear from bob down the street because he isn’t an expert in anything, he has no status, and impact as a person that his conversion would interest me and keep me hooked.

I haven’t been sleeping in my car. I have been sleeping at home safe and sound, with the protection of my roommate and my lovely community i feel right at home.

I haven’t been able to find the bullet though. I know it is not important but i paid for everysongle round and i don’t want to lose anything. Plus what if they find an unsed bullet running around. You can’t say that is normal around these parts. I am the devil and i am actively trying to find a way for them to not be happy in the future, for my personal gain. But i really need to find where it went. I amo not going senile at this, age it can’t happen. They counted all of it when placing what was mine in a little blue basket.They checked it once and once more with me so i knew i got everything i paid for. They do everything right over here, they treat there customers right. Plus i came just before rush hour or what i consider is the normal time that people wake up and get to where they were going that day, the main event of a day usually takes place a bit after noon, so afterwards everyone can head to dinner hungry, but not too early otherwise people will be cranky because they didn’t have time for breakfast and you created a situation that broke there sleep schedule just for you and the event for the day wasn’t even that good, as it won’t be if you haven’t slept well or eaten. I can’t remeber the last time I went to those. So thank you for that. I have my own section. Own targets and what not. The instructor or supervisor is going to come over with the biggest of guns and i am going to have some target pratcie but i need to find this bullet, otherwise it will be super embarrsing. They count the shots I have, they will one hundred percent know that I am lying when I tell them I ran out. They wil tell me to take the last shot and I won’t and then I will proceed to lower the gun and take it to safety. And continue to leave. If they search me and not find it, maybe they can help me look around, but I think they will just charge me with a fee and call it a day. But i am not lousy. My mind. It was off. Which is not something i should say at a gun range, that would get me into more trouble than losing one bullet will. I need to keep my sharp intellect about me and smile and nod. That would make sure I look sane. But how could I lose it. It is an open dirt field. I checked below the black target setters and tables and nothing. It cannot blend into a rock that well so what is the problem. A small gold shaped pellet, dropped from my basket and rolled away, or when it was falling it triggered an explosion in the cartauge based on the amount od dirt cloud that is in the air, not only does it block or clogg the guns stopping them from working after a few years but it also causes enough friction in the air that when the light reflects from a window behind me as i was walking out of the main building it ignited at the perfect angle and with the exact instenity to blow it out of my vision by blasing into the ground and the impact shook the ground so now there is a rock over it and hidden in plain site. This means that one of these empty shells could be recently fired but all of these are recently fired. There is no hope is there. But who would i be if i lost hope, in what would i live in if not the one i fought hard for. I Belive in the system and to not become a victim to it i need to find this bullet and i need to find it quick, hurry hurry, come one come one. Here, no here. Okay now it is going to appear in front of me.

Well that didn’t work. But I don’t believe in giving up, especially in something like this, something so little, so small. I just need to find the bullet, i dropped it i need to find it. I lost it, now I must find it. Right? I just dropped it thats it. All i need to do now is pick it up. But where is it. Why can’t I find it. Is this an actual challenge a difficult endevaour, a challenge for the excellence, a game played by the greats, a game to keep the wits about them. To find this things that you have lost. To look for and search with the eyes that have been affected by your judgement and your thoughts, combating the thoughts of complaint and inadecency and lettling the straw lay on the camels back. That is how you win the game you keep your cool and you search from top to bottom you search. The phrase it will eventually show up, is what this technique is based off. But there are two assumptions here, that you are unfazed by your judgement and that you are strictly calm of mind and no issue with the situation you are in, you are so big and this task is so small that you will not be thinking about anything else, and you will do the one things that has gooten you this far, become that zombie robot and anlaysie, this type assumes that they will not gloss over it and miss anything because of a misdirection of the neurons in the brain and it also assumes that the task you have given yourself is the right one, that the initial task itself is not one to be questioning, because in this mode you are not able to question, as one thought out of line for the observation will cost you your sanity. The initial task that you have given yourself is to scan the floor for instance, the angle of approach is important as you are fairly certain that even moving your head at a different angle will cost your judgement a second which could be used to scan this massive landscape beneath you of dirt after dirt after dirt. You must ask consent of the land before you penetrate it so with your eyes. But the funny thing was it was always in my pocket. That is a situation i want to avoid, and there is no one i put it in no pocket, there nowhere to put it. Now there is so uch more to think about then where i could have dropped it to where it could’ve gone, what journey did it undertake. I need to be smart about it, also the smart way to do something and the wrong way, i mean the brute way to do something, but the brute inside me is telling to hurry up and find it already come on, all you have to do is pick it up. I think if magic at all existed in this world i would have unlocked the powers that be. The amount of times i have wished for something in all different ways, calling out with my mind, wanting something so bad, calling it to existence, come forth i say, from the start of my mind. If words unlocked some deeper power within us i have not unlocked it, and therefore no one ever will. That is the strive of my confidence let it walk about, it is soemhthing i am proud of, this never giving up mental space, and when it is getting harder and harder nad i am getting more frustrated and annoyed at my situation, well then, i scream in my head. I am screaming, some modification of thoughts and will combined together makes magic feel so real, i can imagine myself finding the bullet putting it back in the bag and enjoying my stay in this park that i booked out and have some fun, i am experiencing evryhging in my body, the moment i find the bullet to the moment i am now waiting for the supervisor to come and tell me the basics and realise i am going to have to listen to another ten minute speech tahat i have heard a thousand times, they say if it would have been the thousandth and oneth time it takes for you to remember and not make a mistake that will cost your life than they will go that extra mile. But it wasnt like that. What they actually say is if they stopped recalling and reading off a sheet of paper they have in there minds for the hundredth time because it is too much, they understand that, they are human, but if that time they seemingly forgot and made a mistake that mistake will be on them, there incompetence will show. They have to be excellent to run this establishment and that doesnt mean skipping out on duty and not doing everything they can to ensure your safety and everyone elses safety, well then, that can’t do. That won’t be them, you can tell them all about your cousins place or the gun place in another state who does it better then we do, better guns too, it is more fun, i will never come here again. Well thank dogs for that, we do not want you here, are they so silly, portraying there character out in the open like that, wouldn’t they want to know what this open book, probably unknowligly too, this open book personality is doing to your life, you are living differenrlt because of the way you live, and the way you live affects your life. I don’t know the reaction i had, the one of disgust and revoke my human rights, because it has to be explained that because you act a certain way, other people, other human being just like yourself have the right to act differently towards you, and your life will change and everything that is available for the public will not be for you, your actions will cause your life to be of different circumstance than everyone else. Not only in your interests and what you take up, i think this is what it is normally discussed as but in this case it is taken on, the same arguments who cause distruption to the public, and the way of there life is harming to other people. All around them. And they ask why those people hurt them back whatevr method they can think of. Whatever is in the moral bounds for them. buT then what happens, what happens to the rage the life is all about me pain activates and they make life hard even more. They think they won but they haven’t so lets do this to finding a pen. I want to think in such a disparingly twisted way that i cause some sort of discomfort and then pleasure is then most likely defiiantely mine. I can not apply, i cannot apply, brain malfunction, holding down the raging emotions beep boop, push down the stomach the rising to my chest to my throat and out my mouth, i stop it at the center of my body and push it down out of my body shake my head and be on my way. What happens then if i steal. I mean lose all the bullets. If they come and i am not here. There is an open dirt bit of obstacle courses i ran run, but there are cameras here. Boom smarts wins again, i need to ask them if i am able to use ther camra for something special, or simple like a lost phone tell them that i had my phone before i left here and when i went over to my tavle to start practing shooting, but do i find, well not my phone that is for sure, can you be very kind and help me locate it, i knwo i had it when i left so my thought process goes to this part of town, your humble abode, please allow me to use the camera as there are no people around wouldnt it be easy for you to check for me quickly, if it is all legal, and all. I know being kind is the key but i didn’t say the phase where i want soemthhing from someone that it is easy for me to manipulate them. That is the hard part. For me at least. How can i get them to accept that what i am telling them is the truth that i have actually, become the flimsiest and easiest person to lose something important to them. This can’t be a second one, the second one of the day. There is one more for the day and then im done. Today has put more stress for me in the bank then what i was supposed to take out from the bank. I don’t know how many more of these days i can do before i give up and become a hermit in my own home and work from there only interacting with the people in my town. And i will never go outside for fun again, there is no such word if not for some video ideas i could shoot. I could’ve done a montage, but that is the disadvantage of coming alone is that my mistake, the one day where i take a break from my intense job of working with people and inertactning with them and talking to them about the business and if they have any ideas anything interesting, they would a tually like to do as ithe more authentic the better our interaction, so we dont wnt to go to an event and become zombies of our personalities trying to hold onto to a glimp of our former light a light now faded to black and cut to the video that we have shot and have no memoery of or even the want to remember, the one time where our briain follows its orders to the letter. And where was i again? A bird could have swooped down to get it, the bullet, an ant might if carried it away. More like a dog or a cat but they take great care so no animals are around here and not so rodents but the flying birds have some resemblance of smarts to not come here and the gated community and the halt of all action until the situation is safe is not a joke, the harming of animals are not a joke, but they dont but themselves at risk for the animal they care but only so far till there intelligence insults them and even if they jumped in front of a bullet for those animals they would not even look them in the eyes, they would dart away as fast as they can,there tiny brains might be trying to compute something, some empathy some gratitude, some form of clacuations of the sacrifice that has gone down in front of them the immense feeling might of travelled half an inch before the gates opened and there body nor there might could disappear, They ran full force, an old habit maybe, not suited for a situation, i dont know what animal situaitons it would be but some of them are hard cases were they do nothing, absolute nothing and they are the ones that are supposed to be happy with there lifes, the ones that we are supposed to look for wisdom for. Oh great elk and deer kind like mw now if i am close to the bullet that fell out of my bag or am i far away, the rules are simple, tell me cold when i am running in the opposite direction and tell me hot if i am in the general direction of the bullet, so i am able to find it faster, because of the ;imited number of places i can hide this. For i have not hid it, you have hidden it. Up with it now. Please hurry up and how where it is because i am about to rip some hair from my head and the people want want me here and i dont want to be here either i quit.

But here are some of my thoughts from the day- i started off with this question tell me about yesterday, your week, your month your year, well here it is.

Ant crawling up the wall.

The people, instructors, caring fearless, in charge of an institution. Care for playing ants in there playground. Chamber for children.

Worker ants look

The feelings here

Fear worry commander

Wonder

Victory achievement

Progress

How is it like at the top looking down, looking at your wall, legs out, time for hands

Prefer it here with you. Tried it once time to get personal very hard for me to try again and again and again until

It becomes easier, beating my fear once is plenty for me I’m afraid. So there’s me and beginners that try try again, fighting there fears. I have more than most of course

Admiring coaching helping on lookers, just let go… there’s is something supporting, if you’ve felt it before i wonder what it feels like to get over it, gets easier. Wall, a lot of strength needed what else to say what is it like to be strong. Stop that you…

Still lot to learn. Would like to shoot a video on this maybe every experience maybe just the ones I feel something

Harder every time, higher and higher, this one that one, couldn’t do it damn, you can do it. It’s not my environment or place kinda, get too tired, and here I am trying to capture what it was like rather than actually doing it, I’m better with the louder thing

Do I look stupid

Development doesn’t have to be challenged and head on, given space they will grow, don’t have to be aggressive, you want them to tell you when it’s more effective to show you

Opens with the curse of the jungle mythos introduces to main cast of brother and sister, instantly like the sister because they hate women and she is trying to do something but isn’t able to because of this. You also learn about her domanancw because it is shown not told that she write that for him as she mouths the speech her brother is giving and when they don’t except she knows we are like smart, trying to steal it we think and that’s what happens with smarts she manages and the main villain is introduced not likeable just has a weird way of speaking that might make us feel sorry for him, he wants what she stole, a fight ensues and she beats a room full. Of schars so okay, maybe be like too far and maybe be like wow she is great at everything but she’s falling out of a window and is caught by brother, she gives him what he wants and he drops her anyway, and at the end, he gives her what she wants but she crosses him, parallel the begging and the end, so is the ending scene the same as the first but characters have grown, the brother grew some balls and the sister well she oh she gave up what she wanted to save a guy but her research or something happened, it was a happy ending overall, did it make sense tho?

Also the reason why the brother went along with his sister I liked

Mary Sue? Idk she didn’t know and was afraid to swim soo and her crusoity and courage a bit bad you know.

The hole thing what did it say about life the big why. It’s the whole love and family message women are poggers! ?

She was pretty pog,

The midpoint twist alright

Foreshadowing alright

Visuals amazing

Sometimes characters actions and decisions are not logical and cool what would you do, even if there reaction is wrong if it’s in character it works, allowing them to do things that progress character development and relationships in different ways thumbs up, I think that’s what I was struggling with too, the characters are too much like me well because I’m the one talking most of the time, what would they do, try to find stuff that makes you go like whatt evoke emotions, doesn’t have to be logical and most best option what would be the worse thing they would say and is it something they will say

The psychology of the cop shows

They play on the aspect of romance a lot huh, they also in the case of lucifer makes us believe more than the causal murder, manipulation of our emotions, they do have a message at the end of the day, the psychology to keep the viewers engaged, keep them on a dopamine high, with the questions and the mystery that is not always answerd, like o can watch one more episode and have the small ones answered but the big ones that give you a chance to answer as they give The viewers some clues, but when they are like give people they reveal it, you know who it is like one scene later, maybe this is another technique used to keep them coming back because you don’t feel like you don’t know what’s going on and you feel at the last second it all makes sense this corresponds to the feeling of purpose and accomplishment, the task is just challenging enough everytime so you don’t get the feeling this is too easy, this taps into the humans desire for purpose in life, this huge dopamine rush we get is something else entirely. Escape another big thing about tv shows are escape and sometimes you believe omg if I was here bro come to me, omg I would never do this, it’s a big ol trap, I’m not sure if it’s sad or not but my dreams are different when I am watch a lot of shows then I play a lot of games, when I do both there is this small feeling of being okay but it actually isn’t at all. When I play games I might also be on a dopamine high, but what am I distracting myself from doing, what is it really, why am I drawn to it, well from the message of lucifer that we have the choice, with this it could be a righteous kill towards our mind, fine the dopamine overload but it actually doesn’t occur towards us that they are bad and they should stop because of the reason that they have a message to offer us they are trying to teach us something something that makes them say that it is in your hand to make and decide when it’s enough because what they are doing is offering to teach the youth and give a message towards the young. The way they are doing it it may yes be. The human connection got lost, I got lost it hurt me, I hurt me, at the start I knew drowning myself in pleasure was something terrible to do to myself,

Something that I know does hurt me, something that I know that I get lost in and completely lose control of myself and I become a hollow version of myself, the most resent result of the

Feeling from finishing the game, focused too much on theme rather then people, at the end I was able to see Ellie’s visage but as beautiful as that was and as much as that caused some tears, they really messed this up huh

The atmosphere that I do not want to lose if I wait to write about it is the deep somber connection and feeling it had, the feel of the characters the feel of the environment and that world. Is the worst right, so it feels horrible, and because sometimes the story sucks so bad you might confuse the two but one is a good bad where the other is bad, I think they gave it a good shot, and that if not discouraged by criticism someone else should attempt it, but there will be people, I want to play games that make me feel good, but last of us had a bad ending and we weren’t all up in Fritz about it, it’s just that this attempt didn’t capture the feeling, just a lot of themes.

I guess going back to what I don’t want to lose is that feeling it left me with because it is there, and unlike the good games, right where I’m like I won’t forget the feeling it brought up in me, this is a theme right so it’s much more shuttle much more…. Low emotion strong feeling. Maybe, because I was confused for the second half of the story, the emotion in me where still there, but still, yeah I don’t know how it won game of the yeah, could be allot of clashing or direction this game also, couldn’t figure out what it was supposed to be, okay there’s a lot to write,

I mean same mechanic to drive story, fear in there, action. Did the writer of last of us really want to make last of us 2

Last of us 2 not a game because of the outcome of last of us, so this game represents the feeling of that, the feeling of I don’t matter anymore, her dealing with that right, she tries to hide away from it but in the end she remembers the core of her suffering, she can go get revenge but come on, don’t take the life of someone that means something. Probably and with Abby, I mean a good story plot right, the doc we killed had a daughter and how she deals with that, would’ve been interesting to see how there relationship would have been if lev was immune, they kinda teased it and was like her, that’s the feeling of this game, right? That the world sucks balls, you get that feeling a lot by how the world turned out, consequence of Joel’s actions, which he will do over and over again, because he cares for her and if there’s a better world out there without her then it’s not worth it, he cares for life - side point here games like these where a lot of variety play, mostly older but young people play and balancing the deep with a good surface level everyone can follow along makes a game so special, what made last of us so special, you were following along a relationship and somehow that stake was enough, the audience wanting to see Joel grow with another person was enough, you loved there relationship, Ellie has deeper themes going on but her surface is so clear as well - being this rebel confident person because she’s so arrogant right, well yeah but deeper themes also, doesn’t make a person that underhand be like no actually, this is why they are, it’s more like yeah and also this, and the person that didn’t look that far be like wow that’s cool, doesn’t take away from anything, this one like the first game started off with bam this is what the game is going to be about, but what ?? Too convoluted and complicated. The first one, man lost daughter and now has to take care of surrogate daughter, this world is one where things work like this for there relationship, this world is more unforgiving, more about the world then the people, it’s like the first game was the world trying to save humanity working in the background, this game, the world has turned its back on us. Why last of us, well zombie game, wow sets it up even here, wow. Beautiful. Enough about first one. Bad things happened in the first game, but it wasn’t so fruitful, they tried to replace Joel, there wasn’t really one and I think that was intentional to double down and kick you in the balls with the thematic of the game. At the end of the game Ellie supposedly lost everything, but everything is already lost for her, you can feel her pain, like in the first game you can feel her optimism, the one that healed Joel, this suffering, destroyed her and everything around her, and she will just live the rest of her life out just like everybody else, this is the point of view from everybody else, which is why view point of Abby is there, to show that Ellie doesn’t matter anymore, man haven’t touched revenge yet, and abbys story was about revenge, because her pain had an outlet Joel, so did Ellie’s, but she couldn’t hurt Joel, and wanted to heal from his perspective as that was all she could do, the one escape left from her suffering, see the humanity and love, but Joel was flawed and the world messed up because of it, so the world smacked back with Abby, kinda like how Ellie was gods creation of salvation, Abby became the one of its vengeance. Yeah.

Music makes a game. Or breaks it, or makes the ride. Tres bien

More research needed of creators and the process- contact and check these guys out

What did I l learn from watching this special

How to generate feeling -

Artistic messaging-

The way he put it together

Inspirational

Deeper meaning, making things connect

It was cool and I liked it,

The shorts skits if you will where starting to get too much then the next short is about how we are doing and hints at an end, making me keep watching, makes you feel like okay this special is just not full of this and that’s it, but even though it is, he tricks us by now changing the focus of attention when watching to just sit back and enjoy to okay how is this going to end, how is he going to put this all together, he gets deep in the first half but in the second half when he has our attention more the actual meaning and story comes out as well his decreasing mental state, becomes that much more harder to watch when your watching it closer, therefore the meaning, the no give it to me ending feels like more as it is a realise and your like, okay I predicted this, oh huh, wow.

I guess the message at the end of this is over for me, a 30 year old man , friend described it as scrolling through Twitter feed and that makes a lot of sense, showed his worries, at the point where we should’ve been invested in his work, so hearing him talk about it brought out emotions of oh no, then the passing of the torch thing he did. This was like YouTube video style showing us his day, his take outs, his okay one more takes not making it into the final cuts.

Inspiring with his work that you can do it too. But you know, he spent a lot of money on this, maybe. Homemade style still but good quality, room lights cameras audio mixers

He sacrificed it all rot make a special, only focusing on his craft, when his looking back at it all, he finally smiles at his work. A journey. Wow.

His characters are very well done as well. The vibe you get off it represents strongly what he is trying to show you, you absolve the man behind the performance and see him as his act, nah well yeah, the man craft is just good you know. Dunno what I can learn, well how is his craft good son, huh tell me, the relatability factors there too fuck lost my train of thought

You can do it too. :o me? ,><

The process is not always so pretty

I alos think this is also the reason behind it, you have people like me that see something like that and decide to grow from it by writing this reason why it mattered the reason why it is so good, you know. This also comes with the territory, interpretation?? Hmm, maybe. But doesn’t sound right, okay gym now byeee

I have the time to do as well…. Yeah, its just is sometimes, scenes look auygvdiun id

Blah

Hi Matt I found out yesterday that you worked on kindred from league of legends, and I had to reach out and express my gratitude.

Kindred was the reason I fell in love with league of legends and especially its lore. I used to listen to the voiced short story and more-so the voice lines of kindred, which I put on on my way to school.

The voice acting was incredible but the writing is what made it stick. It got me through some rough times as I looked forward to having a blast every morning listening to those voice lines - hanging out with kindred. My journey was around 30 minutes so I listened through the whole thing, even the grunts. I practically memorised every line and kept quoting it to get me through the day.

There’s a specific line that I repeated often, besides the longer ones, this was one that gave me courage and strength even though I have a hard time understanding it: ‘beauty fades, that is why it is beautiful.’ It resonated with me, the whole character resonates with me. I would’ve liked to hear what you intended to mean with this line. But in no means am I sending this message to get a response.

I apologise if it is awkward and you didn’t do everything for the character, and I am an overbearing fan who has overstepped mistakenly. Just felt it was a duty of mine to reach out to thank you because this character helped me a lot. And it has been a goal of mine to create such a strong and powerful character that is able to have an incredible voice.

I also saw that you have been going through some hard times, I would quote another kindred quote but I suspect that the creator doesn’t feel the same effect from there characters that the audience does. Please look after yourself and I wish you well. Again, thank you Matthew Dunn for making my childhood that little bit better. Thank you.

Hi Matt, I found out yesterday that you worked on kindred from league of legends, and I had to reach out and express my gratitude.

Kindred was the reason I fell in love with league of legends and especially its lore. I used to listen to the voiced short story and more so the voice lines of kindred, which I put on on my way to school.

The voice acting was incredible, but the writing is what made it stick. It got me through some rough times as I looked forward to having a blast every morning listening to those voice lines - hanging out with kindred. My journey was around 30 minutes, so I listened through the whole thing, even the grunts. I practically memorised every line and kept quoting it to get me through the day.

There’s a specific line that I often repeated, besides the longer ones, that gave me courage and strength even though I have a hard time understanding it: ‘beauty fades, that is why it is beautiful.’ It resonated with me; the whole character resonates with me. I would’ve liked to hear what you intended to mean with this line and get your take. But by no means am I sending this message expecting a response.

I apologise if it is awkward and you didn’t do everything for the character, and I am an overbearing fan who has overstepped mistakenly. I just felt it was my duty to thank you because this character helped me a lot. And it has been a goal of mine to create such a strong and powerful character that is able to have an incredible voice such as kindreds.

I also saw that you have been going through some hard times, I would quote another kindred line, but I suspect that the creator doesn’t feel the same effect from their characters that the audience does. Please look after yourself, and I wish you well. Again, thank you, Matthew Dunn, for making my childhood that little bit better. Thank you.

Too much passion, maybe not solving the problem, this is my way to look away from the problem, it hurts heart, the excitement and anxiety. About the add also. But phases, and easier, explain behaviour, last time, talk about the not long lasting thing, and the way I feel about, this, a chore, something my mind can’t give up.

Apologise the way I talk, see it as slimily, pity farming, say you can’t talk to parents, because they see me as the prince of negativity and

How I deal with emotions is that I try to understand where they are coming from and what is the point of this emotion I am feeling right now, and if it is a feeling I can’t describe but its painful and uncomfortable I try to grasp it and get a sense of what I’m feeling if I can. When I mess up my diet (simplest example) and I feel like im not good enough or strong enough to loose weight, or I’m a failure yada yadaa, basically a bombardment of thoughts follows an emotion, which after I say, okay is it fine if I resume my diet tomorrow, which solves the problem, but doesn’t make the emotion go away, I kind of sit with it and be okay with feelings like this.

My method is understand and detach, like it isn’t me that is feeling the emotion, something happened and as a result of that emotions have bubbled up and that’s that really, not my problem. But this does leave me confused at times as I don’t really deal with them, so whenever I want to feel emotions and feel irritated that even though this is my body, its refusing to tell me how im feeling, which can be that I haven’t learnt a way to communicate/ bridge with emotions and thought, which I realise after todays session. Before though, I thought of it like I am standing on thick ice looking at the torrent of storms going on in the waters below and I say to myself, maybe my body recognises that I am unable to handle all my emotions so this is where I stand right now.

Same goes with if I do something bad that has negative consequences, I understand that I can never give myself what I need, like I need to go back into the past and tell myself don’t do that. But me right now, I feel like I am feeling the brunt of that regret, like past me is begging me to make it go away when I can’t. Understanding I can’t make past feelings go away entirely, but if I get close enough to it, then that’s enough. For example, I laughed at my friend that got a bald haircut and the moment after I regretted it and it haunted me always when he talked in GC, I think it was nearly a year later and I still felt bad about it and I had promised myself I would tell him the next time we met up face to face that I was sorry and didn’t mean it and felt bad about it, and I did, I just said it and we hugged it out and he told me he didn’t care about stuff like that and had forgotten about it.

I don’t feel bad about it. The way I understand this, is I didn’t go back and remove the embarrassment and shame but tried to fix what it caused in my head, like a broken friendship.

For my the simplest self sobotage is not studying for a test or leaving it last minute when you know this is something you should of been doing, but didn’t because of procrastinator

If you are a type of person to beat yourself up for not creating something as beautiful as someone else did, why not try beating yioursrlf up that you didn’t try at all, why not be angry that before the gun was shot you ran home, but you’d just comfort yourself wouldn’t you, you could’ve of won, you did good by coming home. Try try try, I beg you, try. For you have won life, at the end do you want the things you accomplished to be a clean slate, everyone will surely love me, they will sing at your eulogy how he never tried and never accomplished anything because he could never create such greatness like his peers, oh no, yeah strangers. Or do you want to fill it out, I hate how much your okay with nothing, as you think if you’ve tried and it’s laid bare in front of you, and you were not enough, your potential not burning so bright, that the pain would be too much than shutting your eyes and rocking yourself to sleep in your delusions. I’m afraid to say it, but maybe you are not destined for greatness, maybe your future is not so bright, you were a child, you carried on that belief, now it stops you from passing go, because you won’t go so far, and even right now, I’m like yes lets get me started so I will finally be able to create oops all bangers. I think from unus annus the thing I’m most inspired by is they didn’t expect to do so well, but they did, they would have done it anyway. It’s hard to believe but if it’s true it’s hard to comprehend, why start when you might not do some good and be hella lit success out of it, why, well I need to do that for myself, they goal wasn’t to do amazing it was to create amazing things... which I always thought success was inevitable, I know if I start with a low goal that I might be disappointed when I reach it, but I think I will be satisfied, the longer this thought is in my head, I should understand it more #mementomori

Dorchester

The room damp, seemed only the hand width distance that surrounded me, a ciggie I saw, no there was 3. Under the towels that go 1 2 3, it was on the second one, I didn’t put it there, I shouldn’t smoke. He would kill me, he’s only nice to me because I follow the rules, do what I am told, I can’t he will flip out. Yet my hands don’t stop till they’ve lit one up and brung it to me lips, I nearly fall of the bed how much I need to stretch, this is crazy, he’s bound to notice the smoke or the smell. I’ve started smoking my second I believe I hid the first one pretty well, it’s okay, but I can’t stop myself this doesn’t make any sense. Dream I’m in a dream, he started the transport without telling me, I’m in a dream whatever I do here can’t hurt me can’t follow me back, unless this isn’t a dream, it feels so real, well they usually do. A dream it has to be, I shut my eyes, squeeze them tight please, this isn’t me, I wouldn’t do this, smoking is wrong, I can’t. No one can ever no, definitely him, he can never find out I faltered. The half finished cigarette is wrapped gently in some tissues, and I squeeze hard, I fall a little back towards the bed my hand above my head, I close me eyes this is a dream. Breakfast, breakfast I look forward to this all night, the perks of only eating until your 80% full, you want breakfast now. Whatever you might say about mr Dorchester, he makes a mean breakfast, yet I never finish. Alone at the table rushing waves of emotion come crashing towards me, tick tok, I need to get moving, we are expected to go on another mission today, tick Tok, mahogany. I think my new favourite colour is mahogany. Please let last night not be real.

Cell! You’re going to scrape the paint off those plates, hurry up, this times it I promise.

My hand was cold, chilled to the touch of the air. I had to go, I have to put it behind me, that’s not who I am, therefore I am not the person that worries about it either, because I didn’t do anything. These steps felt like I was an infant again, trying to get to the dining hall before he caught me, i admire the courage and strength of him, of me, running my hand on the coral side lines of the stair case, the curve made me stick to my stomach, I tried to look up, but my shoulder no longer had the strength, putting out my hand to catch my falling head, I thought maybe it was better that a didn’t look up, last thing I needed was a spiral, what I need-

Dorchester.

The only thing I could feel was his hand pressing down on my shoulder, I guess now I had to prepare my entire being to catch in my hands, as I felt my sense of self fade away, on the verge of blacking out, his grip loosened, he didn’t yank me to look at him he twirled me, but I couldn’t look, I couldn’t see. Dorchester’s wraith, I’ve only heard whispered, well that’s all I allowed myself to bear. He had his own prestige he ran things around here and only him, in a world like this, what kind of monster must he be, as he wasn’t a Nobel mans prick, that was clearer determined.

It was not a dream he had found the tissue containing the ciggie

Sorry Dr dorchester I don’t smoke

...

...

What you’ve endured is far too much. For far too long. If you didn’t crack down once in a while I’d be worried I was raising a monster. As far as I’m concerned Cell, you don’t smoke.

Hugrh hutch hurgh, coughing yet not coughing, small pulses of breath escape my abdomin, pouring stream of molten tears endowed my face thank you, I needed, to hear that.

Write from love

I need you

I’m right here

Entry

Pretty gruel siting down and I sat down behind her, I took a swing as bud was turning and thought that was soo. Ppl after I imagined that I talked to her after that I begain to think about what really matters as a lot of police cars were going and the thought of me conquering cane up what we have now the thoughts we all have the thoughts I have are thoise that I can be very seductive but people general people do t talk all seducing and badassole that is not real this came up when I thought after I swans I would but my head bear her shoulder and tell her that I didn’t mean to disturb and that I was doing it for the bus but I know it was to look cool as mother goose laughed and I didn’t turn to her with Yhe week eyes it was that ha c’mon eyes be confident but do r let it cloud you and what is in front of you you don’t know why she might of said but fantasy like is really hard to believe one ya to do it is see

I’m having thoughts of perfection again the counter lady told me that it would be heavy and without saying anything I grabbed it and she said I would grab it from the bottom and I did but the thing is now looking back not saying anything is me trying to be that guy again this fantasy guy he doesn’t live in the real world and is rejected like the cool seducing guy on the bus again I don’t know the response I get because I don’t do it but I imagine a more realistic response will come from being real and genuine she said do you have a car I didn’t say anything again and just grabbed it, I might’ve said no and grabbed it which lead to it going further I didn’t even say thank you and bye, I would’ve felt more better when I act more human and genuine saying oh gawd we didn’t think that far ahead or that wouldve been smart or anything that makes a smart little comment on the very real situation I am in, rather than this stoic badass which is not respected in this world, and after was I should’ve made another joke about the real situation I was in, made fun of myself because that’s alright, she was not in the wrong there don’t worry about it I’m worried about what I have to do but Manila that I don’t get a timeout zone that I get to relax I will make do with what I have to do what I “have” to do get closer to my goals remember and being kind involves being real and able to make fun of yourself in a situation like that, again at the door where I thought it would be great to keep the door open and they didn’t go through and I stopped the lady behind me then they didn’t use the door I opened, I didn’t talk then as well didn’t I I should’ve made clear my intentions and when it went to sht I should’ve taken responsiblilty and not ran away, okay I shouldn’t run away to you now either I pretty much told you I should get one with it, I need you

I’m right here

Okay my feelers

I did take a big break today but that’s okay, I think I needed this to realise again what I was doing and what I found important I have also realised that I have not done everything I can to make my dream a reality so it is what I will be doing, the priority game is there what I want to spend my time on is here, let’s be able to communicate, but also be able to say I ant to work on this, but also do everything you can to go towards that goal

Today I am grateful for my family being here

What moves you what inspired you

I am at my best when

When I am at my best I am

When am at my best I do

Example

Okay so I found out that either the guy is messing with me or I was able to build a good foundation on friendship, but I made a mistake I walked home did what I could, screamed went home barely scraped an apology, I was going to say the whole thing I apologise it’s my bad my mistake just know I didn’t mean it, I am shaky on the just but I am giving myself shit for the final word things but I believe it was okay, like what I did, I know.. lost my train of thought but I have good friends and good parents, they held me responsible when I was wrong and the thing this morning about listening to everybody and actually keeping an open mind, happened today as my mom said I shouldn’t give a bull shit reason that will make it worse say you were in a rush which was kinda true, I shouldn’t do the bs thing with him becaus again I didn’t listen when she said you guys are that close??? But when I got home it was hRd to reason with but I got it in the end I was going to say I was in a rushing mind set but he said it instead which means that he probably deals with things like that on a basis but that’s not okay, or that I understand that that was not okay, but I see myself slipping there into the mindset of a YouTube,

Having ken and buffpro in my head, I don’t know how to feel, but it was better than I expected, it did hurt like hell , and for the future I will do better, this is the things yotibers day but I think they say that because they are a public personality but for friends I think

That part I need to keep to myself , I don’t feel like I made any more mistakes but I can see how it may seem so, for now I’m proud of you myself and I for solving the problem going with the gut and being able to listen even if it’s for a bit, way better then that spoiled brat on his high horse before, love yourself before you check yourself

Check yourself before you love yourself, well clem my guy here we are again

I came home from volleyball, and bathed then was picking up clothes and I remembered that module registration would be on the 23rd

The brain

45

We assume we can see everything but it’s just approximations

Only see visible light

The slice of reality we can see is limited by our biology

There is really sound or colour is smell, brain make us smell doo doo

Synosteja can see words as colours or can taste words, see sounds as colours

Is measurable different realities

Microscopic wiring in brain can be reality changing

Signal patterns can cause schizophrenia

Intrusion of dream state to waking state

Does sleep rewire brain so we believe in it’s reality if so how does it know to go back to normal when we are suddenly woken up

Brain experience time differently

Falling seeming longer

Experiencing life threatening events in slow motion is fake we actually tend to overload with information so if we are in a similar situation we know what to do but the thing is we can’t handle that much memory so when we recall events it seems like it has happened slower than it actually did because you remember in a shorter amount of time

We are never present in the present moment

Immediate memory

Eyes are living around everywhere to create a preseption when reading when you look at it forn20 ms it takes the scribbles to meaning for you

Drinking very complicated using memory

Procedele memory like walking and cup stacking even though it’s a lot of energy needed not needed because of it a lot of micro connections but you ride on autopilot

Consciousness builds the unconscious ?

Conscious in decision making, when automated of this is tasty, but big brain like no Mitch you fat,

Big brain used for long view of life’s and setting goals

Big brain, aw it’s all coming together, this big mechanism is united and can work together ?

Decision making can be made by stimulus and intuition can be artificaly made, so free will ? NANI? Titanic complexity of brains influencing other brains, even though nurpeuns move by calculation, predicting it by each and every influence is beyond our control

Crushing ambiguity into reason and decisions

Decisions made my simulations of possible futures and predicts reward systems

The present harms future rewards

Ulysies contract

Perspective changed so you can form your own opinion

Brain is like limewire can rewire it’s own circuitary like one half brain gone don’t mind we take ober

Big brain and machine work together by making sense of the signals of electrodes machines stuff brain figure out how to make do with the signals it can get

Brain doesn’t care where it gets the data, the input channels can get changed evolution doesn’t re design brain

Cows orient ta themselves to earths magnetic field

Sensory substitution

Seeing is just electrical signals sent to your big brain

Simulating the mind

Creating life from scratch

Icun plymoth university is learning like children

Difficult building intelligence

Hard to create a mind

Chinese room argument symbol manipulation

Lidenseals mill

Pieces and pets of a system and be quite simple it’s all about the interaction

City conscious, underlining organisation needed

53

Would it be too much to ask you to think about it a bit more

Or are you all guns blazing I am here right now, me, in the moment so imma experience whatever I want BITT

How the hell imma going to do what I want when there are like a quadrillion strings attached to every action in every moment, you are being judged and thus your life experience will change.

How am I supposed to do whatever I want when what I want is determined by everything around me, when I filter all the nurture off am I left with the real me. How can a determine, yes this is me haha, when my true self nature can be changed by circumstance

I

Look at me procrastinating writing this ( yEaH yEaH I need to fight this now so I can feel better about myself, it just hurts too much

Soo I know you must be sick and tired of this and I understand, you don’t have to reply to this or ever talk to me ever again. But it keeps coming up that admitting it to a friend helps so here goes. It’s getting in the way of my life and I need it to stop.

Soo I might have depression. No I have depression. No I don’t. I associate that word with just being an attention whore and I don’t like it. But admitting to it is a step forward, but what if it isn’t and I’m making making stuff up to be an attention whore, I hate myself for that, if I am this is going to be so embarrassing. But for now to move forward this is the only way I see so yeah depression whoopty doo.

Well let’s just call it self hatred, because it’s mostly that. Yeah depression wrong word lol. Self disgust, being repulsed by admitting to who i am, not being able to look myself in the eye. Looking in the mirror shows me that whatever happens that fucker is me. But I don’t know I just don’t know why I cannot find forgiveness, it’s hurting and making a problem with everything around me, I want to move along. Fucking hell, let the attention whoring begin.

My problems with my self being even before I was born, the timing I born, the circumstances of my birth and the creation that was given to my parents,

After I was born there was a calm before the storm before I took, I took, I took, after all that happened I can’t possibly imagine how terrible I made them feel. All the memories I contain that I keep hidden, refusing to remember, not my fault..., could bring soo much happy moments to recite, not my fault, could cut short the painful tear soaking days, not my fault, it’s out of my control, so it how I feel, but, you can’t possible accept me to believe that.

Then I wanted to work to make them happy, o how terrible this body of mine is to restrict me from such paths, as my body and I continued to fail all I could do is watch what my parents had build from nothing return to nothing. It hurt, I couldn’t help but feel I was responsible, only if I had been better, only if I had been smarter I could’ve helped them, but all I did was watch the journey from the centre of the story like a fool, fucking ridiculous. Parents didn’t hate me they never could, would have made it easier if they did (clique).

Then the stories and responsibilities came upon me, o how terrible there childhoods where how terrible parents they had, parents that will not allow them to succeed or follow there dreams, they told me in the end they will amount to nothing because of it, but it was okay because they loved me o so much that they will never pass upon me such a terrible fate (a fate mind you they turned to paradise and I watched it burned to the ground) ( yeah yeah, please tell me more, please I beg you to look at me with those eyes and TWIST THE FUCKING KNIFE ) ( pathetic, just fucking pathetic why can’t I help but feel that, so fucking lame ) .

( haha now that I look back I see this is when I became trapped, fucks sake, little meeee hang in there buddy ol pall) I turned violent not toward my parents tho I felt only numb around them ( haha maybe I never asked for help because the pressure put on me and only me now, I can only do it alone, I have to fight and struggle alone, I owe em that much, I think that’s my thoughts, dunno tho can be conjuring up a story ( attttennntioooon whhhhorrreeee) ( psst side note going through this does feel a little better, but it always does, I give a day, like this one, so I can go through tomorrow with a smile on my face, just to be trapped and shot with the ‘dark’ self hatred the next, I want the cycle to end,

haha break the wheel, haha annny way I am being a little chipper, argh don’t wanna carry on but gotta let it all out to see if this will fix it, struggle oooonnn, yeah yeah, fine, , HA NANNNIII (hehe), die, uWu crying emoji(hehe) this is sooo sad can we get a Frappuccino pumpkin spice extra latte in the chat (hehe) over here for our fallen comrade may you rest in piece forever with all the white, c’mon man)

This was when I really didn’t know what was real in my mind I had experienced the worst things at the hands of my imagination mind you but now I think about it, it makes me sick, I surrounded myself with it, I was lost, trapped and I didn’t know, I don’t know know. It’s better because logic and stuff, pfft c’mon be rational here there is no way this could happen. I was impulsive realllly impulsive. I couldn’t tell what was right, now I have the problem of not knowing the weight of my words, I’m trying to hold back all the really bad stuff, which I learned from other people being treated a certain way for saying that they did it, but I digress.

Lol I really can’t believe I had done this but I did the deed in a lesson, didn’t understand it was wrong, I believe someone saw but didn’t say anything, and again I fill in the silence of people’s words with hatred and loathing. After that I was about to do something I consider my peak moment of evil and somehow after I really hard struggle I stopped. Thank the holy

It hurt soo soo much looking at the people around me, talking to them naturally like I hadn’t seen anything. After every exchange and even now thinking about it, it would bring tears to my eyes at how sad and tragic life is, i kept telling myself it isn’t real don’t get wrapped up in it but I felt soo soo sad. And life went on with me mourning at my own sanity. Making stuff up to keep it together, if I didn’t and I felt that way for normal people, o god how that is sad and tragic for a foolish boy. O god how that is twisted, maybe I did it because the real me would make me hate myself even more,

So more stories began a couple months in a row I started imaging the worst case scenario I could think of as I walked home, I felt horrible and disgusted sometimes and sometime soo sad that I would have to wait a while before entering my home as I just cried from imaging a cruel fate that could befall me.

I don’t know if what I said is going to turn you against me and destroy what little comfort I have in life. But I don’t know, I just don’t know. Asking myself what the hell is wrong with you, stop please stop, this hurts too much, comforting the childish part of my mind that is the happiest, just hurts sooo much, stop, stop pleaseee I beg, I do not understand, I do not understand, but it hurts like hell, I am about to cry please no more. Tears being pushed out but my body and will no longer care. When I think about the awful things I could do and have done I feel soo empty that I can honestly say slitting someone’s throat, is as easy as saying hi to them, but giving a proper warm loving hug is soo hard,

it feels soo robust( fuck me am I right) when I meet someone, hmm can I kill them CAN I KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL, my little voice screaming at this monster of a tornado to stop, in tears, it’s just fucking pathetic, I want to be clean, but I know I can never be, I want to love and have fun but I know if I do I might lose myself and cross a line, but I also know if I don’t move forward there is nothing but pain. So I am struggling and it sucks soo bad, I am struggling soo much that I lose sight of what I am struggling for and it just turns to pain.

There is so much I feel like I need to pay back for, but I don’t even have the will to do that, I take , I take , I take, bring pain upon pain upon pain, fucks sake if I was never born, never given the power of choice, for my mind has chosen all the wrong options, I am stuck in myself trying to become more than I am so the human that lives in the same body as I will get out shadowed, fucks sake, fuck me right, I’m the worst..

I sometimes think about the pain of my thoughts and maybe I’ve made it my home, maybe I will never feel worth the life I’ve been given, maybe I am just meant to struggle forever in pain, trying to make the most of it but scared. Or I know deep inside I can never amount to a single drop. Maybe I’m scared of losing what make me me. The person that lives in his head with the nightmares.

Maybe I’m scared to move on, maybe I am scared that there is nothing waiting for me if I change, maybe i am scared to think that this is my nature, it’s not my fault, giving up control of my choices was, maybe I don’t know. There is things I want to do, not great things, just selfish things, but I don’t deserve to be happy, the sick fuck pathetic piece of shit, I need to give back but maybe that will give me a sense of accomplishment, I don’t know. I feel like a carry a burden that I put on myself, the stories the words I put into peoples mouths.

Man I suck i suck greatly and it sucks, I hate the feeling of not allowing yourself to be happy. I hate the thought of I have to feel pain to feel alive at all. I hate it, I hate it, I hate myself. I hate that I bring this upon you, I hate it that come a few weeks and no word of this will ever be spoken, I hate that I can’t find joy in that, I hate that I take the joy I find and kill it, because I am afraid. Because while thinking everyone will leave me no one will. I am afraid I cannot know the wait of my actions. But there you go.

That’s step 2 I guess let’s see what happens.( blaming my lack of strength on this, hilarious, pathetic) . I don’t want to say keep it between us, but I’m saying keep it between us. Ofc you can do whatever you want. Ignore it, knowing you I don’t know if your going to read this far soo , you stink pee pee face ,

Look at me procrastinating writing this ( yEaH yEaH I need to fight this now so I can feel better about myself, it just hurts too much)

Don’t blame me too much, I tried to write all my thoughts from my entire life in a go soo most of it is probably not going to make any sense but I needed to say it, I think, dunno let’s see if admitting your hurting is actually something that helps.

So what I need to do is be kinder, accepting, be aware of the surroundings

Ok so I am regretting a lot, like a lot, like this morning the place I sat I regretted because I didn’t choose the better option which I thought I came up with scenarios that would make me sitting in the place, I keep thinking that I am thinking the wrong things which I am working to fix, I have a lot of working to do and the pressure is making me avoid a lot of things and for the beginning I think I need to negotiator with it to get what I want I am not paying attention so he

I am getting stressed out? I am imagining the teacher being really stressed out and i fee like if I go on my phone and not pay attention it will maken it worse for her, so i am willingly hurting other people, I remember something I heard I remember that i hurt my self by like peeling my skin, I hurt myself for my punishment, it being bad and me doing it knowing I and doing something bad would that

When giving myself rewards I focus on things I would normally do but I pay attention to it, paying attention, attention is really important huh, we are attention we are able to do that, I will try to focus in this lecture, the reward is food, then. Let’s go and get that folks, oh no, I do feel comfort from doing this comfor in writing comfort that all the work I have to do is far away, I have been regretting my lack of work effik,

Lol hahah nonsuck a thing as a stupid questions eh, lol

Learn it by heart

H and n have very different masses

Wha the hell man this all feels really janky is that okay, I feel like everything is all over the place yo, I don’t know what to think, I have experienced something like this before I think, the feeling was similar to once I bought the book

Okay look, I have made the same mistake again, with the seating, I have to make it works or figure it out why it is bothering me so much, I think like everything else this doesn’t have any pretence to it, it doesn’t really count and the pressure point it is pushing down upon is just in our minds, it is a process I deal with daily and daily m, I could be nicer, is that where the problem lies, am I hurting myself to control what I want, really it’s weird, I think of the camel and it chewing the foods, I was so in the escape I got scared from the voices eeek

Well, you know...

I would say the same thing I said in school, if you don’t have a plan just stick with what you have to do now to get by. But you ditched and it worked out?

If it’s this job in general then you can still look for other jobs, if it’s working in general, that’s life ? ! You should think about the big big future, don’t intentionally screw yourself now. But.. how about this, reward yourself for working ? Maybe, ofc i don’t want to tell you you should force yourself if it’s physically draining, you know from the boredom

Man I am so angry, why am I like this, I didn’t sleep last night stressing over the cleaning ladies coming because it was 3 and I would wake up at 11 meaning they would wake me up, so I stayed up until 7 and woke up at 10 and they came and I said no to them, well the fire alarm went off then I swore, and cursed, I’m just going to say it’s because I haven’t got sleep and from this I know that i will not exercise because I hear her saying stuff which means that she might come later or tomorrow, which is why I need to stay up until then so, I can sleep at 12 and wake up early so I’m prepared, you get me when I say I look at everything and if I can worry about it I do, is this also from a lack of identity, I could of had her clean it but I stayed up for her not to and everything is a mess so I would rather not, but as I make up my mind the memories of the sheet they tick come across my mind, but for the chocolate thing yeah it’s over, my teeth are very important to me even if my health isn’t my teeth can cause a lot of pain, maaan Fuck, I want to sleep, imma sleep stop worrying ffs

Okay if your going to write, let’s make the text now,

Hey y’all, so I want to create a better world right, and I was thinking what is something right now I want to change, which from my experience is money, and I know getting rid of something so important for so long would be hard so how about, if we made food and shelter free, I want to trust people will only get what they want but that’s probably not going to happen and a lot of problems can arise, I thought that when buying food, you should have a reason for your purchase, I don’t want to put a limit on it because that’s like food rations and that sucks ass, this should stop people from emptying out stores, for shelter, ofc people will want to live in houses that are unique to them, I don’t want every house being a copy of the next, but sure popular designs can be copied if they want, but I was thinking should we do it so peoples jobs dictate there living quarters, but then I thought that really sucks as well, so is it better to make it so that when you are really good at your job and are recognised for it you can get an option to upgrade your living quarters to there choosing, because there is limited land where we build housing, so before we solve that problem, that problem will remain, so we can’t give limited land to everyone right? And I am afraid if we do that land will be a sort of currency maybe, and it reminds me the olden days right were they fought for land and land was there’s, you know, they put too much care into that and I want to avoid that, so yeah, a lot of problems will arise but what are your opinions, btw it’s funny whenever I have these thoughts I am reminded of human stuff, like before I wanted to pursue a world where idols didn’t exist, well not how they are now, that was interesting but my parents then talked about how another person was stabbed recently in front of their front door, and I have these now and then I read about human indecency from golge, I do on one part believe that me thinking that there is more towards these coincidences is fuelling my ego that yes I am the one that will change the world but first this is what I have to change thank you I know my purpose now, but yeah I think that is a very wrong way to think, but my analysis of what happened and my conclusion were mine to make, so my next choice of actions should be mine as well, so I will look at them but for now I want to gather knowledge and perspective which I don’t think is bad, I do apologise for my ignorance and childish idiocy, please bare with me

I am very ignorant and childish idiocy privileged to think it can be all better if we worked at it, I want to know why it can’t be, depress me 👅🤙

Internet an example of a world without money ?

Misinformation on thoughts, like “this was not the kind of god I wanted to be” like sinbad, god I love that show, wood boy, how he changed beliefs right, I really like how he owe EE btw, don’t cut yourself, it was amitskae yeah but it still hurts ffffff, f I. The chat boi s, dude reee c’mon , yeah after he told us yeah he is ruining everything and living of revenge and destroying everything is it really wrong to live in hatred but I think these little things we drop like he knew what he was doing was wrong but still did it and screamed out for it, but in the end the silence after revenge the emptiness he said got to him, you know, he didn’t scream about this, he said revenge and that life style swallowed up everything, and he couldn’t bare it any longer, from the sidelines we can say that him screaming was his coping of something that is a failed ideology, but we can’t say that, yes he knew what he was doing was wrong, yes he came to our side after realising the true way no, if they said that that would of probably sparked up his rage but Idk, so he got his revenge and now, no one could disobey him, so what ruled him now, what filled up that emptiness now, now that no one can disobey him, he fell victim to it, and then he strove to do better, maybe the feeling of ya they secretly hate me, let me make them rely on me, ha that will get them, but he looked sad, he couldn’t tell anymore, no one was shouting at him anymore, no emotion toward the emperor, what was I saying, I loved his journey, going from ... oh yeah, he said at the end of it that beliefs change, someone can strongly believe in something one day and the other day change, which we can see in life as well, I don’t think, this is me now, I personally don’t think those beliefs go away right, lol seeking approval ya, lol anyway, but maybe the fuel goes, ay dude you wanted to sleep because you was ill right and then you thought about stuff and blah blah blah, I understand you want to understand something but know when your going on a ramble because this is the road you set up on, like that stupid laughing thing, c’mon, you laughed and when that feeling was over you shouldve stopped, not continued because it was weird yeah look at me I’m soo kwerky, maybe wrong maybe perfect spelling none the less, but I thought I would look better right, because I found something funny that they didn’t, I know buddy, I really do, I know how much you want people to say that your smart I know that every time an opportunity cane to shine you failed every time, I know I want to say to us that maybe we are not that smart, maybe we are just not that funny, buddy, pal, it’s okay , lol didn’t we change the definiton of smart and funny, and just said everyone goes on a different definition they wouldn’t understand, lmaooooo, so cringe, so was that. Wow how could you betray me like that, there’s some stuff here I don’t want people to see, and remember I’m saying all this because you think a time will come when people will read this, the “analysis” (lol) above and once again, acknowledge you, so I wanted you to stop thinking about that but, yeah this bring up the point of why we should do certain things right, should our motivation be pure, should I write an analysis because I want acknowledgment of my intellect or because I’m intereted in the philoshy ognthe character that author created, because I want to understand the story a bit better, so I am able to appreciate it and by doing so, maybe giving more depth to the characters I create in my stories, but also look at it like this so I can analyse others using the same structure, because the character analysis I do or I am able to see because it’s like oh that’s me like gowther, sinbad, wood boy, snake girl, police boi, man, I should sleep, I think I got it out of my system so I god man don’t think so much when I’m trying to sleep, god damn it waaa waaaa baby rage , ffs don’t get me startedokayboilookintothenwritingthingsgowithityeahyougotthisidkmanjusttryanddoitdosomethikgbyeeeee, I’m back birch, so when I said it’s okay to not be smart or funny golge came to mind saying I was making myself feel better, and that’s wrong maybe idk I don’t think I got it, what’s wrong with that kinda arguement collapses right, Idk I think I think that it’s admitting something but it can be covering my mistakes with a warm blanket because I said because of this I am not smart right, so without that I am ?

Disorder is like when you mush food together and eat it and not eat it separately, like melting 10 different chocolate bars and scooping it up and eating other wise then bar chocolate me mouth eat belly good feel

Room like isolation in prison more why, more you foucsed on you Hello, I woke up a bit ago, I still have this uncertain feeling in me, but to play on my phone I put that on the line to wake me up, so in a bit I’m going to the kitchen... oh the spider that ran away yesterday was here today as well and I decided I wanted to kill it because there are a lot of spiders in my room so if I keep throwing out of the window they are going to start to complain and I’m going to be in trouble so I killed it, I am less scared then I used to be but I dint believe it to be right, so I apologised and felt sorry so I feel a bit better that... so what I remember coming hone and my mom killing two spiders is fake because that spider to me was huge it came like to my legs and my mom had to lift her leg up to stomp on it. I am takin a crap right now, but I fought let’s try this out as I am not entirely using my phone because what I meant was YouTube my guy don’t get me wrong I understand using it but 48 hours a week my guy, and that’s not the worst part, I have exams my guy exams, you know how the last one went it was okay as I think I scrounenged the marks to pass and if not then more work for me again and I don’t have the time to spend on myself, so let’s say even if I failed the first one, let’s only have it that I revise for one test not all 3 so let’s focus on that instead please yeah, maybe trying to analyse what you watched on YouTube you know being streamers were you trying to say something or were you describing my state of mind anyway I should stand up and get on with my day, I believe I can do this, I believe I can pass get fit learn Japanese and get a summer job let’s gooo my guy, let’s become the greatest there ever was

I am awake again it was hard to wake up as my dreams were pretty good and I wanted to stay there but I got up gotta revise exercise Japanese job book

Brejj jerbj

Things I must do why because I don’t want to stay the way I am I can see it in the future, and omg me being a streamer I mean I totally get it I watched it all day huh what if I listened to the Japanese all day huh huh would that work would that work, and I mean yeah just have it in the background for everything and watch other podcasts or audible when it’s the break break time . I do like there personalities but I have to remember I .. hmmm I don’t know actually but I’m if it’s what I enjoy then there shouldn’t be any problems right, oh yeah and also floss every night, another habit I want ... okay saying that made me feel like maybe I am wording it very wrong so me as an individual is rioting it’s like I am crafting myself in the image of something else and not me, this is me we are talking about, I want to change what I the individual like to spend there time doing because I think it will be beneficial. No no no no no no no no, I’m guessing this is not working because the approach is different because I don’t think the body doesn’t want to change and grow, okay maybe it doesn’t because you know change is harsh and body wants to stay comfy but yeah the not totalitarian approach to yourself will garner results but weeyoo the spicy noodles from yesterday is bringing in the painnn baby woooooo . I do feel a need to organise what’s around me stay clean, I think this is because of Dexter from daredevil, keep everything around you clean and ordered and everything in your brain will be more ordered, maybe because your making an effort to organise and maybe that kinda incentivises your brain to be like oh I can do what your doing in here too, maybe idk but I don’t think it’s wrong or anything

I don’t think I should write a lot here, but it was working so I shouldn’t really chAnge anything, it was hard to wake up, I had one of those dreams where my head is full of worries and information that are not really prevalent in this world but I was still confused as in what was going on, plus I woke up earlier than usual so I was like should I go to sleep but when I wake up like that I usually cannot go to sleep and I am rolling around in bed, I think the dream was political because of magi but I woke up, I bit lower than 7 hours of sleep, I mean if that’s what I chose today I think it will be alright right, whenever that happens I should go with the flow right I shouldn’t be like I need to wake up at the same time every morning, I feel dirty searching those things, my greatest sin is that of the sin of lust but I must grow from this as well oh how I feel, I still don’t feel like my old self I still feel heavy and disgusting I don’t know how to describe it, I feel oily inside and around my throat, how can I cleanse myself, because I only ate biscuits fruits and noodles yesterday, so I’m not sure if it relates to how much I eat rather than what I eat, today I will go to Tesco’s so I might buy something to eat as well, maybe something light, I don’t know I’m thinking of lettuce and sushi , maybe idk but yeah I need to work on my nutrition so I feel real good like I did last time, but given yesterday was the first day I ate little, I could be starting the process to clean my insides of this feeling, so I will carry on and see if it breeds results, because I don’t know if I feel a lot better , but I’m not full bursting feeling is just that I don’t feel so good, I will work on nutrition and see what happens, could it be the devils deed that’s making me feel a certain way I don’t know, could it be the oil from the noodles actually does have anything nutritious in there and it’s just oil, okay lets not drink that stuff and see what happens because the naked brand noodles, the water was really thick so that might be it,

Ya yeeet I woken up pretty normal actually, today I am going to try a different timetable so I am excited, for how I feel, the feeling is not completely gone but I feel it going away so if I follow this it should go away so I am looking forward to that, I just have to eat little as I am in my room all day, I do exercise but what I eat I believe is enough to nurture it, i will talk about my dreams so I don’t forget, for exercising I want to condition myself and discipline so the rest of my day goes according to plan no matter how hard it gets, I also do want a rocking bod, but I feel like that is going to take longer to than I thought which is alright, because I know if I keep it up consistently everything will be all good, about changing it up for the chest I do add on to it, the abb stuff I did add another workout but I think first I should do what I already do to a good degree then I can move on to more advanced stuff that take a harder toll to my body which makes it grow more, but yeah exercise goooood, it’s amazing to have for my wellbeing and I look good my man, oof imma lead all the lady’s on, and please m’lady. For revision right now I am working towards aceing / doing the best I can on the remaining exams, you know I worry I really worry about some parts of the physical exam that I messed up but looking at it as a whole adding them up, the percentage should be above 40% meaning I passed, we are getting our results in july so until then don’t worry that much as I am telling myself, it is fine I don’t need myself to bring me down and make me work because of seemingly bad I did in the previous exam so I will work on this one, I am on the up and up now, I agree to the extend that yeah you did this wrong what was the right answer so it might help in the future, but yeah it’s sad i couldn’t do most of it but a pass is a pass, and I’m not motivated purely by my inability to figure the questions out in the exams but actually revise so I get a good grade which shows my ability to learn, okay buuudy, yeah I’m that way don’t focus on the fact that I passed or not, focus on the parts you know you couldn’t do. Japanese my future plans and I will be using the language a lot, my reading manga and novels, and I believe that it will come in useful in the future, wait wow, if my dream doesn’t come true I am learning these languages for nothing, I think then I would learn Chinese and German which will help me in every career l

Wowzers so I got a little less than 7 hours of sleep but I will work towards that today, waking up was a bit difficult I don’t know if having my phone further away helped me get up but when I got up I got up, so my day should start an hour and a half earlier, which doesn’t sound like much but it is. I think the one thing I was going to change was don’t take breaks otherwise you can’t come back, even half an hour breaks, also don’t listen to the podcast when I am trying to memorise things I guess, I’ll see how it goes, I know it’s something fun and useful I found but don’t do it there, again don’t force something to happen, like I have to listen to the podcast or audiobook or read a book or manga, whatever you have decided to spend your time on stick to that, and yeah for food, also don’t force yourself to eat stuff, like bread I know we got the big packed and we should finish it, but we don’t need to force ourself to eat it for the sake of us eating it, like I’m good with a can of tuna and some noodles, I don’t need to eat bread on top of that, but I guess in this segment... hmm I guess I shouldn’t force myself to, what do you think we should remind ourself, that we are amazing and that we can dream big dreams and work towards them and the short term one of doing amazing in inorganic don’t forget organic as well, so I actually work and that too and it isn’t last minute like physical, yeah remember that I guess

Morning, I slept like around 4 and woke up at 10 so I’m lucky to have a body like this so I can start the day with no delay, I won’t be going to the kitchen today or tomorrow, I want to finish everything I bought but not at the same time, we will see how long there is left, I am excited to go back on schedule to do other things other than revise but I know right now that is my top priority,.. today I will do all I can for it, I don’t know what to say I don’t know if that’s from my cofusced state of for the next day and a half revise, please do that and I guess I’m greatful and thankful and will see ya in the passage of time

Okay... what a way to wake up, a fake fire alarm, but it got me out of bed on time so I’m grateful, I want to revise so good luck on the test you can resume Japanese and exercise, anyway I’ll let you get on that ooo dream joeline doing the same thing we did before and some offline tv stuff

Bamboo

When wake up from alarm sound still in head after turned off see same blueee aftershock

Doing good things will mean good things will happen to you doing bad things will mean bad things will happen to you. But those good things that you have been doing and getting short term reward for will not last forever, because if you constantly do good, even if you don’t vibe with it this little goodness seed in you will start to sprout which is when shut hits the fan and your body is like WTF is this shit doing here, bloody foreigners, you’ve been watering this whether you wanted to or not, but if you really didn’t feel anything, you will fight it, whether you like it or not, you can be prepared and expect for it to happen so when it does you can reassure your self that is something you wanted, this was.... this is nothing like you expected it to be, but if you do fight it you will find doing something good will come with an overwhelming feeling of this numbness you were doing your good deeds with, if you cannot break this with some help you will start your cycle over again, but that’s also okay, experiences help regardless. But this is only to protect yourself to show yourself what you have been working with all this time, this is what you have not that good feeling thing, you can look at is a moment of goodbye, tears are rolling the atmosphere is heavy, you can choose to turn back or you can move forward, and carry on what you was always doing but this time, with a completely different system in charge, this will bring about a whole bunch of emotions, it will be one hell of a ride, I think this is why when you do turn back, you get the feeling that you turned back because of cowardice, your ego maybe that’s not willing to change, but the body helps in every way it can, it sees you couldn’t go like that so if you ever decide to go again, it will push you forward with your past experience and all the feeling you felt back there, you have learnt and again, it isn’t easier, it never gets easier looking at it objectively, but you have fallen, and it hurt, the body gives you a big push and then it’s done it’s over, you look back and there’s no one there, there may be a void, but don’t worry, it is in this space that the seed will grow to it’s fullest

Head hurt when thinking

Deep fakes leads to internet free for all and anything that matters happens face to face, but holograms, this makes internet non reliable in that it’s all fakes, of all people

In every discussion I've seen, there are two ultimate ends to the argument of existentialism; one end being that we have no greater purpose, that morality is a social construct, and what we do in life ultimately holds no greater consequence other than how it may effect others, which we have the freedom to either care about or not care about; the other end being that the very fact that we comprehend of existentialism (and that we are in essence aware of our own existence and what existence means) is what tells us (or rather, makes us inclined to believe) that there IS something more, which we are called to know, love and serve. It's almost as if our very nature is what both proves the existence of a higher being, and also what makes us doubt that one exists.

Ear drum memory

The applications for the harcourt Essen reaction is to show how the concentration affects the rate, the findings from this reaction can be used in industry that tries to find the best possible ways to make the process as efficient as possible and apyA

obtain the desired products in a reasonable amount of time, so they consider the changing the concentration of the products- example

Dream journal

World ends in an explosion caused by the gadgets going off

Company pollution with leeches

From

Famous film

Animals have a field of harmony, end up on the plane eveytime

Everyone against him

Creator has skull mask and tells story being too greedy

I’m right here

What the fuuuck

I’m sooo confused

I’m soo scared AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAA AAAAAA AAAA AAA A A A A A A. A A A A A A A A A AA A A A A. A A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Man I’m so confused about what is going on I’m so scared

And I’m so confused, wtf do I do, do I carry like nothing is wrong when clearly something is goddamn wrong what if it breaks because of my negligence, but it can also go away, well wait a week huh but what I dooooooooo now, what if it breaks instantly never to open again, do what I can by saving everything, well... I don’t really have things to do but I’m more on the fact that a lot of money could be needed the instant it breaks, the pressure the stress is killing me, with school and the stress of starting second year as well wtffffffff man thought become reality careful now breath life to your thoughts, I will do my best, that includes making routines for example morning always go to the gym and crank out audible or podcast, then at night from 7- 10 do some Japanese there you go another routine to add to your day, and the only thing I plan is school work, that’s the only mental effort I want myself to put in, I believe that the max thing will work itself out I promise and I will try my best with social life, saying hi how are you to everyone I know, no exceptions, myself judging is a big Nono I want to avoid q

Peepeepoopoo

Okay yes that’s where I am in life right now

I’m just going to do the questions then go to sleep ... so I went to sleep and I have awoken

I don’t know the answers yet but the thoughts I want to have an answer too

I

Okay so here I am after my morning routine, I have decided a few things, exercise at home being yoga, weights, body, yoga, weight, body, yoga and over and over again and at breakfast I should listen to audio books, the prime time to do so, and when I go out in the morning I should listen to podcasts, this should reduce my thinking time, but not erase it, I should do a thing where I set up a plan of exercise but for now I want to do follow along on youtube with the exercises nut lets get to the chase of the questions then I will get to the I want to do today, wait I think I’m going to create a new page, okay done, I want to write in that page everyday in what I have done, off youtube will be there and reading on all platforms and just maybe even life on it too, but to the questions

Okay have this page open whenever the questions pop up ND I GO HERE TO answer the, and later ,maybe change my answer and when it comes up again I can refer to it and then change it until I am happy with it

Dear clementine,

There is nothing I can say to make up for your life, I know you are a turtle but still, we got the 2 of you when you were just wee little things, I remember that night 7 years ago we were thinking of letting the 2 of you go, you guys scared me to my bones and back, I couldn’t even touch you yet the last touch imprinted on your bodies were mine, we got through some tough times, times that were great for stories that brought laughter and smiles upon the masses, our adventure to get home must have been terrifying for you as was the journey home was for me. We had you in your little place for years, it had to be. I used to play with you guys all the times, my first friends that were always there for me, off course you were there because there was no escape for you but I want to believe you at least enjoyed it some, I put you on the floor and you moved, we fed you and washed you in the sink, talk about a sucky toy huh, you were my friends through and through, but I remember the boy we got to be sick or so I thought at the time or I didn’t because we never had animals like this, he wasn’t as energetic as you are, you were the crazy one that moved and moved and ran and ran while the other barely moved at all, I believed it was just his personality, let him be I thought. But that wasn’t true was it. I didn’t have any pictures of you when you were little, but I will always remember you and him, I promise I will never forget you, let me at least keep one promise to you. Time came when my parents weren’t at home and it was just me and my auntie and the little guy passed away I remember walking out of the room and he was fine and when I came back, well his life was no more. I walked to the living room and told my auntie and I balled my eyes out for the little guy, his life was not long, it was dare I say barely two things years old, so I can understand why my auntie was confused but she is another issue that I don’t want to ramble over here, I was on the couch, so confused yet so soo sad. Then there is always the next part of disposal that is the worst nightmare to an amateur pet owner like myself, I remember I took my friend up, placed him in a bag and under the influence of my auntie I threw him in the garbage truck, and I ask myself why.... I remember the lines of it’s dead there is nothing I can do about the body. I think this is when I started thinking of when my parents died I didn’t want to bury them, but now please forgive please have mercy on my younger self, the me now is still paying for it and I can’t, I don’t want to pay any longer, because it carried on to now, bad things like that, came to me fucking underarm throwing you into the river, I am so glad you landed in the lake, because the way I was it wasn’t good, I tried to make it the best for you but I relied on my subconscious and my father combined to create your funeral clem. After he died I kept you in a tub for a year or two and then you grew too big and we put you in a bigger tub, again you stayed there for another year or two. After that I realised what a bad person I was being when I didn’t keep you in an aquarium, you can tell how much of a amateur I was when keeping pets, I shouldn’t of been allowed, I was not prepared for the responsibility to take care of your life another life than myself, and with my experience with pets, I don’t know how I ever came to you but I am glad I did, I can say that you were a positive in my life, what I shoved on to you as I was passing through school life, my pubertic self, that is what you were dealing with, I remember the noises you made oh god damn did I want you gone, something that was beneficial to me was causing trouble oh it was the worst, I think that is what I am most angry at myself with, it’s the you wanted this, well when it happened, I couldn’t believe it at all, how goddamn was another life given to me, in what godless world... maybe that was too hard, after I had you in this world and you me, I thought you were going to die too, I saw your health going down I brought you to a non exotic vets, oh look at me doing my duty. Man we should’ve gone to the rsv the exotic specialist, but clem the fact is somewhere along the way I gave up too, I wanted you to die too, I don’t know how you died but it didn’t look good to me, I don’t know, your eyes. I don’t know how long I looked at you, I was literally afraid to face you, I don’t know how many times I prayed, I sat down and looked at you through the chair I always blocked you with, my breathing was all wack clem, my yoga in front of y’all and my meditation, man when it hits it hits huh, you were there when I stared and there when I failed, you were there too always watch me, that’s why I thought, maybe just maybe you wouldn’t die, but you did, like all my other pets you were gone, I tried my best but that wasn’t good enough, I dreamt and dreamt all about you guys. Well I say you guys as I brought home another pet to keep you company with the aquarium oh wow how cheap you guys were, I hope I could make your lives fulfilling, I am scared of someone coming over to me and brerading me on how I treated you guys, clem you little goofball I love you and goodbye