Night came quickly after the unfortunate encounter with the sheep. The horses are restless, the cart is screeching menacingly and we have gone trough another bottle of cheap booze. I don’t want to spend the night outside and risk being mauled by a moss bear or raped by some gnome. Resabio gets paranoid about those “goddamn little pigs” and starts talking about how they are trying to instate some kind of new world order.

“Let me tell you, those grass lickers are nothing but a pest. They come to our houses, take our jobs and then fuck our women. They should at least pay some kind of… racial tax.” He says, a lonely drake on a human majority area. He’s back on a bottle of some kind of wine. Its amazing how some races just drink the stuff like water.

“Didn’t you use to take the jobs from them?” I am absent, if only in body but not mind. I can barely tell what this buffoon is ranting about, but my senses are blissfully unaware. My bad, because little later I see that he has, in fact, the reins. When one is aware that a madman has the power over your life, your perspective changes.

I interrupt him babbling about something to insist on finding some inn. “Listen here you lizard, I want to reach that city with my ass and my purse intact, so let’s stop somewhere. We will manage.”

He looks at me and slowly turns.

“Do you have the money to pay for that? I certainly don’t.”

“Wait, you don’t?” I’m speechless, didn’t this guy bring some money?

“Well, I didn’t want to start so early on, but I guess it’s the time for an early escapade.” He starts to search for something on his bag. A vial full of blue liquid, which makes my skin crawl and memory remember.

“At least don’t get shitfaced before swindling an inn!” I know the answer already, but it is the human nature to try against impossible odds.

“You know what? You are right.” I look at him incredulously. Is he…?

“Well wait for the room. I’m finishing this wine though.”

We continue as I sigh, thinking just where did I get everything wrong. These thoughts are typical for a hangover session, but with a little help via beer they are swiftly destroyed.

Asking some merchants in the road we find out that there is a pretty decent inn some kilometers ahead, perfect for travelers. Affordable prices with stables and dinner service included! I take the reign while Resabio goes back into the wagon and starts using some of that alchemy to turn a bunch of coppers he had to gold. He isn’t actually creating gold, but making it seem like gold.

A useful trick that rogues use to ripe off unsuspecting merchants. With any luck they don’t have the magic to see it through. When it fades, we will be very far away.

Eventually we reach the inn. Nice place, a little run down but with some clientele. We leave the cart hitched and go inside. Instant change, a pleasant and warm ambient is a nice contrast with the outside, already chilly for the evening. A big reception with a strong woman greets us, a big smile in turn.

“Welcome to the Sleeping Mare! Best service for affordable prices. Want a room?”

“Yes miss. A room for two and a wagon outside.” My scaly friend answers quickly, as the woman reacts by smiling and waving a hand.

“Oh, are you a flattering man. For you two young gentlemen it will be 5 gold a night, dinner included.” She smiles slightly blushed. “Wait until my husband hears this!”

The magus pays with the “gold” and we are given a key. Second floor to the left. It has a bathtub and two beds. Good enough.

“Let me take a quick bath and let’s go down to dinner.” He doesn’t give me time to answer as the door to the bath closes. I lay down at the bed, which is surprisingly soft and comfortable, and as a voice talks about some tits on a bartender sleep takes me rather quickly…

A pleasant smell is all that lingers in my mind as the bathroom door slaps open twenty minutes later and a naked fool wakes the room loudly. Never sleep for so little if you want to have a coherent conversation for the next hour or so. That’s why I am content with just eating the dinner and let Resabio rant on.

The dinner is served on a big dinning hall. The place is half full and the food comes quickly. A piece of meat grilled and smothered with some kind of sauce accompanied by fresh bread and spiced wine. Simple but effective, especially after not remembering eating for the past day.

We devour it quickly and greedily, enjoying the feeling for a while. Observing the other patrons is an entertaining pastime when your body is trying to process the sudden intake of food or other substances.

A couple of merchants chatting loudly with their wine goblets full. A group of drakes eating without much of a conversation, being visibly annoyed by the loud merchants. A hooded figure on one corner that pikes my interest. Who has a hood inside? Someone that doesn’t want to be recognized, which ironically makes them stand out more.

“What can you tell me about that guy?” He looks at him with one of his spells, I suppose. He snorts, but turns his head back surprised.

“You won’t believe this. A goddamn elf.”

“Here? Among the rabble? No way.”

The problem with elves is that they are notoriously racist and don’t like even being near us. What’s more surprising is that no many can leave the elven kingdom, emigration is expensive.

“There is our chance, right there. The possible rewards of sucking off an elf are much better than being insulted.” The Magus stands up and tucks his shirt in his robe...? and goes striding towards the elf. Such a direct man, patting his shoulder as he seats and loudly asking the wrench for another round of drinks.

I can’t hear exactly what they are talking about but he is not immediately thrown away. In fact, after the initial shock the elf seems to accept and even enjoy his company. This can only mean dark and terrible things for everybody involved.

Eventually the drake points at me and I move over to their table, watching as the magus sits backs triumphally and the elf glancing with some apprehension.

“Well, this here is Major Colonel Duke, expert on the life and miracles of the people of this fair kingdom. This young man is Valec, an elf traveler. And he is looking for someone like you, Duke.”

“I hear you are an expert on the culture of humans in the coast, my good man?” He speaks with a distinct upper accent, like something out of some noble household. Clear and easy, with not a single trace of contempt, so ever present in those of noble birth.

“I have chosen to leave the kingdom and ah, soak myself in the culture of the rest of the races. Surely the hate and propaganda are nothing but a tool of control for self-satisfied fools.”

“And you have decided to come to some inn in the middle of nowhere?” I ask, already imaging all of the consequences this will have.

“Well, the roads elude me.” He continues with some nervousness “My destination is Sal-Sagev, further down the coast. Your friend here tells me you are going the same way?”

Ahh, so that’s your plan. That lizard is looking at me with such a smug look you wouldn’t believe. He nods, trying to convey the famous mind reading capacities of those about to take part in a heinous crime.

“Precisely, my elven friend.” He says while putting his arm round the young elf. “We are travelers of the highest integrity. There will be no problem in showing you all the wanders that the road has to offer.”

I light one cigar and inhale deeply. The elf seems conflicted, but in the end, chooses the wrong option.

“I am in your hands then, Magus Ribardo and Mayor Colonel Duke. Thanks for your patience.” He says, bowing his head. Ribardo looks at me in the eye as we nod in unison. We have reached an accord.

“Boy, you have just made the best decision of your life.” Boy, you just made the worst decision of your life.

“I trust in your judgment, fine gentleman’s.”

“And we shall begin now.” He stands up. “It is tradition to not sleep a single minute on our way to the job. For religious reasons you see. Come to our room and we will have some fine alcohol, to cleanse the impurities of the body.”

We took the boy back and whipped out some fine rum. It almost seems like he is trying booze for the first time, taking the cup very respectfully and drinking little by little, completely destroying the purpose of the holy elixir in the first place.

It is always funny to see the weak drinkers. While laughing loudly and using complicated and completely false statements we get Valec to drink three full cups of rum. Not much for the experienced, but it utterly floored the elf. From respectfulness and quiet implications to full on inability of speech and unstable legs.

“And now the dance of the holy flame!”, cried my companion, making the elf imitate some ridiculous dance and failing completely. In the end, only an hour in and the poor fool is on the bed, blabbering about the trees and cursing some king.

After that I lose track of time and space as I sniff some of that fairy dust, essential for a good night sleep. I don’t take much, we need to save it for the journey.

Soon the world moves and lights are created. Time doesn’t move and the most terrible premonitions of death and destruction haunt me until the effect wears off. I don’t know how much time has passed, but the elf is in the same position, asleep. The drake is also asleep, but in the bath.

After making sure none of them is going to die in their sleep by eating their tongue I also lay to rest and hope for fortunes in the future.

-

Next morning my head is hurting, but I have grown accustomed to a base level of pain each morning. It will either make me stronger or give me an aneurysm eventually. Valec is still there, but Resabio is nowhere to be seen.

We need to leave soon and so I go to the enjoyable task of waking up a drunkard. I beat him in the face a couple of times until he cries out in pain and moans. I don’t envy the terrible headache he surely has.

“This is...” He stops and speaks with difficulty, taking big breaths. “How can the rest live with this horrendous feeling each day they travel?”

“Constant penitence and a copious amount of substances. Water also helps. Here, let me help you.”

We stumble to the bath where he pukes on one corner while I refill the bath. Good mana stones, but they cost a lot. I take his head and carefully try to drown him. There is no better way to get rid of hangover that water, in or outside the body. After a while of inconsistent drowning and occasional puking on the side the mage barges in and announces that we are leaving, all taken care of.

“Come on now, lets go to the carriage. How did you get here anyway?”

“A h- “he coughs and spats some water, still hurt from the hangover recovery session,” a horse. Its very gooddd.” He lingers on that last word, losing his will to be awake.

“We'll take that horse of yours with us then.”

It will probably end pawn off to fuel our crippling substance addiction, or better yet, our savage journey of brutal introspection.

Early in the morning we leave the inn after the magus stocked up on the pantry with a selection of buns and biscuits, courtesy of the false gold. Soon enough we are back on the road, silently eating the food and preparing for the journey ahead.

I cannot lie. The road is pretty peaceful. Birds are chirping, deer are waking up and the sunset appears meekly on the horizon. Truly a wonderful world.

Of course, that is until we stop because a band of goblins have killed and eaten an entire caravan. We see the bodies, half eaten and the poor boy pukes again. A guard patrol is securing the are and stops us as we approach.

“Halt! What is your destination, travelers?”

“Sal-Sagev, guardsman.”

“Then I would march fast, many troubles in the road lately. Just yesterday some madman burned a whole flock of sheep!”

“Degenerates, all of them.” Said the culprit beside me.

“Fucking pigs.” Muttered the magus as we passed the area. “Where did we leave the times of honest bandit killings disguised as guards? They can’t even die properly these days."

“Are you saying you wanted them to be bandits?” A weak voice came from behind us in the wagon.

“I can’t use my breath every day, boy. Also, any time I can’t punish those pigs’ guards is a bad time.”

“So early in the morning and already barking nonsense. Leave the boy alone Resabio.” He snorts and laugh soon after, perhaps to a joke he told himself ad didn’t bother telling us. I look back at the boy and answer.

“This is a lifestyle. A conscious choice, this drake here never got on well with the coppers. And he has nothing to lose.”

“Hey!” He shouts. “I have a very legitime and respective business. I am a born entrepreneur.” I must admit that his product is halfway decent, at least.

“Spices and other herbs.” He says as he creepily laughs. Valec nodded with nervous eyes.

As the day went on and boredom started to creep the consumption started with great enthusiasm. The drug known as essence of morning takes its name for using roots of the morning root, harvested on a certain time of day. There is nothing more irresponsible that two men high on the stuff and drunk off their asses while controlling a carriage. The probability of death and disaster is greater and necessary, to warn the world of the unending disaster. Thankfully for everyone, it never struck. On the other hand, a certain elf was starting to question his choice of companions.

“We never told you why we are heading there, did we?” He starts to laugh uncontrollably. The kind of laughter that comes from your soul, emerges like a geyser form the depths of your every fiber. Like a raging volcano.

“There is a bastard called Heavy Frank, a lowlife dwarf that crossed us. We thought we were friends’. Deep, deep treason.” He says as he laughs. I cannot help it as laugher erupts from myself as well.

“Yes, we are coming for him. The bastard is in deep trouble. We are ripping his guts out, one by one.” I laugh myself to tears.

“And eating them!” Fire breaths start to leak from his mouth.

“You must understand this is the only way.” I smile. “This, ehhh, assignment will take willpower and possess important amounts of personal danger.” I stare directly at him, admiring the shape of his ears as I give a big dumb smile. He just stares back, not saying anything. Is he sweating?

“Do you hear me, maggot?” I shouted.

“L-loud and clear sir.” He gulped. I relaxed back on the rains.

Oh, now we did it. I was thinking, how long before we lose it? How long before we start blabbering about the wonders of the world and complete rantings more appropriate for madman’s? How would he react? Maybe he has heard about the bandit and monster attacks. Will he make a dreadful connection and think we are a couple of rogues? Of thieves and murderers? Of killers and rapists? If he gets such ideas and tips off some strange pseudo elven cult, what should we do then? They will eat our livers.

We’ll probably have to kill him quickly, nice and brutal. Cut off his head, throw it in a river and bury the rest on the woods. And run to some other place, away from the creeping influence of those pointy ear faggots. Wait, did I say that out loud? Did I think it or I uttered such terrible nonsense in front of the kid?

I look back and thankfully he is looking to the drake. He just started creeping towards him and blissfully ignored me. The magus takes out a little container that I don’t recognize at first. Too late.

“You want to feel the real road experience? Eat this.” He presents a small green ball. Green smile. Great addition for any worthwhile consumer of illegal substances.

“I rather not, my good man...” He visibly recoils, putting a hand between them both. Big mistake. Never go against a drugged drake, especially if said drake has a tendency for violent outbursts.

“What? You rat! I knew it, you are a fucking pig! You come to get us and steal our gold!” From his bag a silver reflection, a knife I didn’t know he had shoots up and gets dangerously close to that elf’s face.

“Ill gut you, beast.” Before he gets any closer, I jump and smash him to the side.

“Enough you fool! You are scaring the boy!” Valec is shaking and looking at the carriage with very big eyes. Resabio looks at me with heat burning in his eyes, until his face drops and starts breathing irregularly.

“My medicine, give it to me! My poor heart!” I search for the dust and throw It to him, watching as he greedily snorts a good amount.

“Don’t worry kid. A terrible disease plagues his heart. The pain makes him loose the control.” I say. “Here, take this and relax.” I hand over the fallen green slime. The elf only realizes his mistake too late. Soon enough pandemonium commences as his brain and body start to debate the possible implications of emancipation.

He is vibrating on place, spouting nonsense in fetal position. He won’t be causing any trouble for some time. I go back to the rains and make sure we don’t cause yet another accident.

“A job well done. And hide the knife, you bastard.”

With that crisis over, we continue our journey onwards. I keep to the alcohol, but the drugs finally got to the magus as he falls in some kind of drug catatonia. Unfortunately, one of the horses looses one of his horseshoes and we need to replace it. Thankfully, a camp of merchants not too far from the city agrees to replace the thing for a modest price of gold.

“How much for the shoe?” I ask hopefully.

“Three gold, buddy.” He answers greedily.

“What? Are you goddamn mad? Can you cut a fellow businessman a deal?”

“No way. Take it or leave it.”

“My driver is sick, cut it down to one.” Magnificent resort, eight out of ten points. “He has swallowed a dog bone.”

“What the hell are you talking about you- “He cuts off quickly as his eyes dart behind me and his face falls suddenly.

A half-naked drake appeared from the cart, sweating and breathing hard, a very mad looking lizard.

“Are you threatening my friend?” He said as he put his claws on the man's shoulder.

“I will have your ass for this, we’ll see each other in court!”

“Its about the dog bone, he won’t accept it!” I said, watching as the man quietly listens.

“Did you make a deal with this ogre?” He shouted, his spit raining on my face.

“I know you want to kill these pigs, but don’t you see,” I say as I point to the camp, now looking at us warily, ”they have many weapons. They will butcher us before we can try!”

“You fucking cocksuckers. Ill be back!” He shouts as we return to the cart.

“These maniacs, we entered a blood cult, my dear major colonel. They wanted to kill us!”

“Yes, they were. Let’s get out of here.”

And with that, we carried on, arriving at the gates only a few hours later.