Sara I

My first conscious thoughts are these:

Sometimes we know someone who’s so inexplicably perfect. She’s someone who can give and give and give until there is nothing left. But no matter what, for no reason, she’s ripped from our lives; and there isn’t a thing we can do about it.

My brother calls it a ghost. That it always comes back as a ghost and the only thing we can do is run. The only other option is to fall. Our mother always wanted the best of us. Now that she’s gone, we’ve only been adrift since. And it’s more than that. Andrew is this machine, this force that destroys everything around him. All I am is just a whore who is running away from who she really is.

And I’m scared.

These thoughts disappear when a ringtone I don’t recognize starts blasting through my head like if it’s connected through a speaker, max volume.

“Hi mom,” is what I hear next. “No. Sorry-yes I’m fine.”

There’s a short pause between each response.

“I’m at Emily’s. We had a sleepover-no I know. I’m sorry. Right. I’m fine, yeah. I’m sorry for making you worry.”

Grace’s butt is in front of my eyes when I open them. She struggles to put her jeans on while I stare at her underwear that only kids would wear.

It only smells like spilled vodka, weed, and straight musk here. I sit upright before rubbing my eyes open. Emily’s still asleep next to me, her hair seemingly touching every corner of the bed. Grace looks at me and greets me.

I just grin. “Good party.”

The party still continued after everyone went home and it was just us three left. We ended up in Emily’s room drinking a bit more. Her room is the only place where she allows us to smoke in the house. By then, Gracie was drunk enough to not care about the smell. She didn’t want to smoke, but then I recall that was the first time she has seen weed.

Grace told us about her time in her hometown. She’s a Cali girl so I always expected her to have some cool stories even she didn’t have much experience. But man, she makes it seem like Redding is the same as Darkwood. It’s just another boring town in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do.

It’s not a wonder she got bullied as hard as she did there. It was all probably for entertainment.

Emily drives us to the Diner right outside Darkwood where the only exit lies. It’s been our hangover tradition since Emily got her license. It’s not like we have many options either. Everyone comes here regardless so it’s not uncommon to run into people you know all the time.

Today it’s Andrew who’s just hanging right outside the side of the building. Emily and Grace greet him while heading inside. “What are you doing here?” I say to him.

He just ignores me as he moves me out of his way to greet Chris who somehow snuck behind me. The two do a handshake and I catch a glimpse of money, changing hands. Right. I forget that my brother is a drug dealer. Andrew never sells to us, instead, he always gives it to Chris, who in turn gives it to us for free most of that time. I don’t even know what Chris buys much of the time.

“Go inside, Sara. Chris and I have business to attend to, yeah?”

“Just be careful, okay?”

I don’t know the details. Andrew never tells. I don’t like to admit it but I do know he’s involved with some bad people. People who Elizabeth somehow also got involved with and that’s as far as I want to question it.

I just worry about him. Andrew is the only one who I can count on to always be there for me. He’s the only family I have left. I trust him and yet I’m scared of him more the same.

“What was that about?” Emily asks as I take my seat next to her.

“Nothing,” I sigh. “Just another stupid drug deal.”

They could’ve done it literally anywhere else but Andrew chose here, which only means he has something else to do here besides that.

Chris comes in alone a few moments later. It gives me a chance to look around the diner and see who’s all here. It’s pretty empty and no one I recognize. The diner has been here all my life and I’ve never set foot inside another one. I’ve always imagined them to be all retro but this one is cozy. I like it here. The white walls are filled with newspapers and posters of notable events that occurred here through the years. The red seats are comfortable although a few need to be replaced. The wooden tables are always clean and all the condiments on the side are never empty. The owners truly care about this place. It’s not a wonder why people like it here.

On the corner of the Diner, there’s a single person in hiding who I feel I know. Her brown hairs are a mess and it covers her eyes. Her t-shirt is dirty and before I can take more of a look, she notices and puts her head down.

“What’s going on?” Chris sits down next to Grace. He’s surprisingly sober right now. That won’t last long.

“Grace was just talking about how different Darkwood feels than her hometown.”

If I recall, she was saying how similar it was last night.

The waitress comes and asks for our orders. Everyone gets a light order except for me, who doesn’t get anything at all. “You should eat-” my best friend reminds me, “-else your headache won’t go away.”

She’s right.

I get french toast and some hash browns on the side.

“You don’t like the town?” Chris asks.

Grace shakes her head, “It’s not that I don’t. The atmosphere here, it’s different. There isn’t much to do, like where I grew up, but it feels more,” she pauses. “Inclusive? No, welcoming. Everyone here knows each other. It’s quiet too. Too quiet.”

“Right now everything is still quiet because of Ellie’s suicide. Pretty soon that’ll die down and you’ll see people driving around having nothing better to do. I reckon the bonfires should start up soon.”

The mention of Elizabeth get’s me quiet. I still can’t believe she’s gone. Part of me still feels sick because I could’ve stopped it. She talked to me about it, how could I have not seen it? We understood each other because of this. We became friends because of it. She didn’t want to die because she wanted to. She wondered how it would be.

Just like I do

Sometimes I felt like I was the only one who understood Elizabeth. Just like how I can understand what Grace is going through right now.

As I think that, the speak of the devil walks in. It’s Lucas and his friends although notably Megan, Carlos, Amanda, and Alyssa aren’t with them. Rumor has it that my brother caused some fights between all of them. Amanda always hated my guts but the revelation that my brother fucked her really put her in her place. Especially so since I was fucking her brother.

Lucas stares me down as he walks over to his booth. We’re not on good terms. He wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend but I can’t stand the idea. This who thing has been a farce, just to get them off my back. To get my brother off my back.

It’s why I can understand Grace.

Over the summer, in an attempt to ruin Elizabeth’s credit a photo of her smoking weed with Cody was posted. That’s when all the rumors about her drug use started. Then, critically, it was revealed that she kissed a girl two years ago. It’s 2012, so nobody really gave a shit about all of this. Except this rumor came from Megan and the former Queen Bee before Elizabeth. And what made Elizabeth special as the current Queen was just how much she sparkled. Elizabeth never smoked, never did any drug. When she would drink, she would never get drunk. Elizabeth wasn’t easy and only had one boyfriend right before that summer. She was uncurroptable.

The shining beacon, the angel of Darkwood.

So any blemish on her perfection was deemed unacceptable.

Then the rumor that I was that girl who she kissed came out. I started getting teased and questioned about it. My brother even started to make fun of me. So I just denied it but it only made it worse. I never had a boyfriend, never have been seen kissing on or let alone talk to any straight one who wasn’t Cody or Chris.

The teasing never stopped until I started fucking Lucas.

Now that everyone knows I’m not gay, that’s stopped, so I’ve no use for him anymore.

Still, I won’t ever admit that Elizabeth kissed me because that never happened.

“Were you all good friends with her?”

“With who? Ellie? I guess,” Chris answers. I think this is the first conversation the two have had with each other. “She was a cool girl. Went a little cuckoo at the end, but it’s whatever,” Chris shrugs.

“You could be a little more respectful, Chris,” Emily scowls.

“Gracie, didn’t Ems tell you to leave it alone?”

“But I want to know,” She says weakly. “It’s not fair, Sara.”

“I know, but it’s still a fresh wound.”

We all want to know what happened to her. You’re not alone, Gracie. I want to know why she did it too…

“Sometimes I wonder how it feels to die. I don’t ever want the bliss to end,” she said.

“Don’t be so dramatic. What do you mean?”

“I mean this. Like nothing else exists and it’s just me left to my own comfort, that won’t ever last. That bliss will soon be ripped apart from me and I would rather be dead.” She said.

“That’s not a reason to want to die.”

“Not want, wonder.”

I still remember those words. I still remember how angry it made me feel. I remember the words I said to her next, to validate that my pain was greater than hers.

I take Grace to my favorite spot in the city. Towards the northwest corner of town is the park that has a giant hill towards the middle that feels like it is its own mountain. On top is a flat area with a bench that overlooks the entire city. From here one can see how small it actually is and just how massive the forest in the middle is.

“It’s beautiful,” Gracie comments.

“Yeah, I love it here.”

It’s here where I start teaching Gracie how to put makeup on and everything she needs to know to be a proper girl. It’s the only way she will survive once Emily graduates. Then a year later, I’ll graduate and she’ll have to fend for herself.

“Do you think I should get contacts?” She says in the middle of me contouring her face.

“I’m surprised you haven’t.”

“It’s scary.”

I chuckle, “Better than looking like a nerd all the time. What about your braces? When are those coming off?”

“Next year, luckily.”

“Why hasn’t your mom taught you any of this?” I ask as I finish and try to decide if the shade I used matches her or not.

“She works all the time so she doesn’t ever have the time.”

Her mom loves her, I don’t doubt that but it irks me to think that’s she’s neglectful. Emily told me her dad isn’t around so it must be difficult for the both of them. Gracie has been growing up all alone this entire time. There hasn’t been a person in her life to show her how to fit in.

“You’d think Elizabeth was like me growing up? I bet not. She was probably always so pretty.”

She’s so fixated on Ellie. I give her a soft frown. “Do you want to know?”

Grace nods.

“She actually wasn’t very cool. In middle school, she was always just bland. It wasn’t until she started to date Cody all the way back then until she tried. Originally Emily was the girl with who everyone wanted to be friends with. I think Elizabeth was always jealous of her for always having Cody’s attention so she tried really hard to change.”

It was the same over the summer when they started to date again. Elizabeth never admitted but she was so jealous of Emily for being the one who had Cody’s heart.

“By the time I entered high school, Elizabeth was already friends with the popular kids while Emily stopped hanging out with them.”

“You think I can become cool too?”

“You’re already cool.”

“No, I’m not,” Grace backs away. “I’m ugly.”

I don’t say anything otherwise I would lie. Grace is pretty cool but she’s right about being ugly. I feel so bad for her. Maybe Andrew is right about it. We should just admit that the only reason why we hang out with her is out of pity and guilt.

“How did you meet her? You all started to hang out with her over the summer but you knew her before then, didn’t you?”

“I always knew who she was, but I guess we didn’t really meet until I was a freshman.”

I tell Grace this:

We shared a P.E. class. She was a sophomore by that time and impossibly, she didn’t have any friends in that class. I shared the class with my brother but he always stayed away from me, not wanting to be shackled to me. Elizabeth was on the cusp of becoming truly popular so she was a bit intimidating. By then she was truly beautiful so nobody approach her, but I did.

I always thought we could be friends.

We eventually did. We were partners in everything. Her friends were always so intimidating so I didn’t bother her outside of class. But during, it felt like we were best friends. All of that ended when…

“When what?”

“We couldn’t be friends anymore.”

“Why?”

I give her a soft smile as I take Grace’s glasses off to see the art I just created. Grace isn’t ugly. She’s wrong about that too. All it takes is a little effort and confidence and she could be the person she wishes to be.

“She never talked to me after that.”

“After what?”

I put her thick-rim glasses back on. “Nothing.”

Emily convinces Grace to come to the house party going on tonight. I walk her to her house so she can change and I walk back to mine, on the other side of town. It’s a long walk but I don’t mind. The longer it takes, the better.

It’s a small house, rundown just like every single one on the south side. Inside it’s even worse. It’s so dirty because nobody ever cleans. It smells like a dirty carpet and cigarettes. The only thing pretty is the panting on the ceiling Mom made when we were little. A mural of a woman laying outside on a bed, surrounded by birds as she stares at the cloudless sky. It’s starting to get dirty so the color is fading away.

Mom never did say what it meant.

While I take a shower and change, I stare at myself in the bathroom mirror. I begin to examine every bruise, cut, and scar. It’s the only time where I remember the scars on my wrists, the marks on my thighs, and the little knife tattoo I have on my waist. I’m far too skinny, borderline anorexic. I would be if Emily didn’t remind me to eat so much. My breasts aren’t big, but they aren’t small. I don’t like them. I have to dye my roots again and maybe cut my hair. It’s getting a bit too long. I have to redo my nail polish and replace the broken ones.

I hear someone come home, either Andrew or our dad.

God, I hope it’s not him.

I hold my breath.

The door opens and a baggie is thrown at the countertop. “For tonight,” Andrew says. This isn’t the first time he’s caught me. He doesn’t care.

I look down at the white powder in front of me. My favorite.

“When did you start coke?” she asked me.

“A few weeks ago, before school ended, why?”

“Just curious, why did you?”

“Why does anyone do anything in this down?”

“Do you like it?”

“It’s good. It’s good. I only do it when Chris has some on hand which isn’t much. It helps me get my mind off things.”

“What things?”

“It doesn’t matter. You want to try some?”

We all played a role. That was mine.

My sin.

“Life’s is too short, Ellie. If you really want to make it up to me for ditching me as a friend, then do a line with me.”

“Fine.”

My brother rummages around his room then I hear him leave the house. I don’t know how much time passes afterward.

I’m afraid of losing him if he ever found out. He looked at me with so much disgust when the rumors were floating around. I don’t ever want to see it ever again. Disgust.

“Ay slim, better not be fucking gay. Don’t need another Isaac in this bitch,” he said.

Elizabeth and I were just talking that day, two years ago. She was having trouble with her boyfriend and needed to vent so I stayed to listen to her. Eventually, we just started talking about nothing all while forgetting we were still in the girl’s locker room and everyone had already left.

I didn’t know why I did it back then. It was just on an impulse of desire. Now I just hide. I run and avoid that day because that’s not the person I’m supposed to be. I don’t want to be.

But she was so pretty that day. I trusted her. She was my friend. She was being friendly, even flirty.

The rumors aren’t true. Elizabeth never kissed me.

I close my eyes.

It doesn’t matter how much support I get from Emily. She could never understand what it’s like to be me.

The rumors aren’t true because I was the one who kissed Elizabeth.

And I liked it.

At that moment, the bathroom door swings open and I’m hit, forced back to fall on top of the toilet.

“Sara, you fucking bitch!”

He’s drunk again. When is he not?

“Why don’t you ever fucking clean you useless fucking whore?!”

I close my eyes and reject the vision of the kiss Elizabeth and I shared. That’s not who I am. I can’t be.

I’m not gay.