When the fateful day dawned, Xi rose to meet it in a sullen, fretful mood. He’d ended up needing to vent yet again last night, after what he’d thought would be the last time, and by then, his cock was starting to be sore, and the urge to unblock Jiong and beg for him to come over in the morning was almost too much to withstand.

He still wasn’t sure why on earth he hadn’t given in. Today, despite the slight dark smudges underneath his eyes, and the fact that he kept yawning through his morning exercise routine, he could feel a certain familiar twitchiness, a slow-building surge of energy that couldn’t be denied. It wasn’t a heat—any siren or demi-siren or whatever fraction he counted as knew how to head that perilous state off, and tonight Xi was going to take just the kind of action he needed to nip this building frenzy in the bud.

However, until tonight had come and gone, until he and Jiong had fucked a few rounds, he knew he was going to be irritable. Not the worst mental state to be in before any kind of public performance, but nowhere near the best, either.

[XiErXi]: anyone else catch a motherfxxing cold?

[g.o.d.]: ooh, someone’s in a bad mood, huh~

[yuririn]: baby, don’t worry, I’m healthy as a motherfuckin ox

[yuririn]: can push you down and ride you all night tonight if the great captain jiong ain’t up to it [wink]

[B-tha-D]: …

[XiErXi]: I’m not lying when I say I was gonna tell everyone

[XiErXi]: just. I wasn’t 100% sure he’d be coming tonight till recently, with all the shit going on with his team

[XiErXi]: so I kept delaying

[g.o.d.]: oh I bet he’s gonna come tonight [wink] [wink]

[XiErXi]: can you not???

[yuririn]: what I wanna know is how the fuck that lil shrimp can make you this shy

[yuririn]: I mean, as a fan, he’s an embarrassment to your channel, but

[B-tha-D]: just an embarrassment??

[yuririn]: but Janey said he’s ok in person?

[yuririn]: so I gotta ask, heheh, Xi-baby, do you have a cruuuuuuush?? Hm?????

[B-tha-D]: !!!!

[B-tha-D]: [spits]! Why the fuck would your mind go there?

[B-tha-D]: no matter how I look at it, it’s temporary, right? Temporary fucking fulfilment???

[g.o.d.]: B, sweetie, Xi gets to decide, right?

[yuririn]: yeah, and come to think of it, what happened to all your boasting about it being true fuckin love?

[yuririn]: didn’t you say the guy looked like a 100% loyal dog boyfriend?

[B-tha-D]: just because that fucker looks like that, doesn’t mean he is like that

Xi, nursing the remains of an omelette and his usual morning tea, couldn’t help but want to put his head in his hands. This was the legendary Bertram Effect in its full, hideous form; now, no matter how anyone argued, or what anyone said in favour of poor Captain Jiong, Bertram would find some way to refute it. To trample on the source of jiongjiong, he would even go as far as trampling on his own face, shooting down all the flattering things he’d said about Xi’s mystery man as if they had nothing to do with him.

[jjcool]: ohohoho~

[jjcool]: you’re all up this early, huh?

[B-tha-D]: …

B-tha-D has logged off.

[g.o.d.]: looooollll

[yuririn]: omg what did you do to him JJ??

[yuririn]: what, you’re back to being B repellent now?

[jjcool]: eh? me? [innocent blink.jpg]

[XiErXi]: just how is this supposed to help…

[jjcool shoots XiErXi a playful, yet meaningful look.]

[XiErXi]: …fuck it. You know what, I’ve just, I’ve fucking had it

[XiErXi]: just tell Claire, tell whoever the fuck, who fucking cares

[jjcool]: eh? right now?

[XiErXi refuses to be blackmailed!]

[XiErXi is telling a certain someone to strike if they dare!!]

[jjcool]: ah, but, ah~

[jjcool]: I don’t wanna ruin the mood before the live~

[g.o.d.]: lel, really??

[yuririn]: [popcorn.gif]

[XiErXi]: do your worst!!

[jjcool]: don’t wanna~ don’t wanna~

There really was no winning with her, was there? If there was a straight path before her, there was a thousand percent chance that she’d walk off into the wilderness.

[XiErXi]: can you just fucking let me off?

[XiErXi]: please?

[jjcool]: hmm… I don’t know…

[yuririn]: +1 for letting him off

[yuririn]: he’s this cranky already, god knows how he’ll be just before the show

[g.o.d.]: ++1, just let him go this time, JJ

[yuririn]: asking the evil empress to let our good friend off!!

[jjcool]: lol

[g.o.d.]: [kowtows] asking the evil empress! Empress grant your favour!!!!

[jjcool]: well…

[jjcool]: alright, bengong1 will let this matter pass

Thank god for Ursula and Yuri. Way back when, he’d used to feel jealous that they could sometimes sweet-talk Janey out of her little urges for retribution when anything he said to butter her up seemed to go in one ear and out the other, but that was back then. Nowadays, he was grateful for help from any source.

[yuririn]: besides, it’ll be way more fun seeing how long it takes Swearie to figure out jiongjiong is Xi’s perfect loyal dog BF, lol

[g.o.d.]: hahaha yup

[jjcool]: huhu, bengong thinks so too~

…clearly, he spoke too soon. Cursing them all under his breath, Xi decisively changed his status to AFK and went back to the kitchen with his one dirty dish and his half-empty tea mug. Then, drinking down one last, slightly lukewarm gulp of tea, he opened up his private chat with Claire and steeled himself to face the worst.

[XiErXi]: you’re not gonna like hearing this

[XiErXi]: I’m dating your captain

[XiErXi]: or, well, he’s the guy I’ve been seeing these days

[XiErXi]: I know it’s awkward, I know he rubs you the wrong way, and I’m really sorry if my being with him makes you uncomfortable in any way

[XiErXi]: I’ll be stupid busy this afternoon with rehearsals and stuff, but I’ll still be available to chat re this till around 1 PM

Up till now, Claire was still marked as AFK as well. He wasn’t really sure what her schedule was like on Sundays, though he did have a vague idea that she might be at team practice or some other team-related activity this morning, just from listening to Jiong’s few muttered complaints about how intense post-game analysis and practice could get. That she hadn’t responded was no surprise at all.

[XiErXi]: know I should have come clean earlier

[XiErXi]: I just didn’t think it’d last this long

Seeing all that in the chat sobered him up to the point that, moments later, he found himself taking pains to delete his last two lines from the chatlog. It left a trace—Claire would undoubtedly notice—but just the thought of leaving those words up for her to see made him feel raw and vulnerable and strange.

This thing he had with Jiong—with Captain Michael Star, or Mike, which Xi had never got used to calling him—was starting to feel real. Baselessly, too, because Xi couldn’t help but remember that the first and last time the ‘boyfriend’ word had come up between them, it had been him using it, not the captain. They’d talked about a bunch of things, ranging from just how Xi had gotten so into streaming to how uncertain Jiong felt about his future at Dom-V. They’d traded small, silly stories about their parents, about growing up, about this one crazy kid they’d met at school, and laughed about how awkward or ridiculous their first times had been, but they’d never talked about all that lay beneath their light, careful conversations.

I want him, Xi thought, helplessly. I want him to be real, want us to be real, but… we aren’t. And getting them to the point where they were real might be as easy as a short, light, conversation, or as difficult as when said conversation slowed to an awkward, mortifying stop.

It didn’t help that Xi had begun to get used to getting his sexual satisfaction from one very giving source. Before Jiong, his high-ish sex drive didn’t have anyone in particular to focus on, and satisfying himself had been easy, if somewhat dull. Wanks whenever he wanted them, and pub crawls or hookups with amenable friends when he wanted something more. Which, to be honest, had been less and less often once he’d somewhat recovered from those shitty two years with Cameron, not just because his willingness to trust anyone for such a narrow, but important thing had been low, but also because the trauma had made him tired.

Sex had been so fucking good with Cam, even when everything else was bad, and for a year or so afterwards, Xi had been too afraid to touch anyone else, to let anyone else make him feel that good again. Then, for a few fevered months, he’d slept around wildly, taking it wherever he could get it, angrily determined that he wouldn’t lose this particular pleasure to fear, to the fears created by a man who had no fucking right to dictate what Xi did or didn’t want done to his body.

He’d slowed down eventually. Slowed down enough that he only hit the clubs and pubs once every two or three months, and didn’t find that it much affected him to do so. And now, with Jiong’s coincidental emergence, his stupid jokes and his care, Xi was feeling it again, feeling that frightening, intoxicating pull to share more, to draw someone in as close as they could get.

He didn’t know what frightened him more, the fact that he could feel like this again, or the fact that naming this feeling, exposing it to Jiong, might just mean instant rejection.

Annoyed, irritable and disturbed, Xi knew he wasn’t in the best frame of mind to talk Bertram round, but he found himself unblocking his friend anyway. Anything for a distraction, he thought. Anything to just—forget—what I want, for a bit.

In the end, he settled on maximum simplicity for his first overture:

[XiErXi]: sorry, B. I like him

Somehow, it wasn’t at all a surprise that, instead of the usual sulky five or ten-minute delay before an equally sulky answer, Bertram chose to call him and rant. “B, like I said—”

“It’s because you like him!” Bertram snarled. “Why the fuck do you think I’m, why would you think I’d even be upset, if it wasn’t, if you weren’t clearly on the road to drowning in his fucking jiong bucket?”

“You’re right,” Xi murmured, well used to the incoherent bent Bertram’s angry rants could take when he was truly provoked. “I should have thought of that.”

“I’m not completely fucking unreasonable,” Bertram went on, his high tone and unsteady voice making him sound entirely the opposite of what he’d just said. “It’s not like I won’t be polite, whenever he chooses to fucking crawl up and out. It’s just that, I just wish you’d told me.”

“I know.”

“He’s a crafty fucker, alright, a crafty, scheming, clever little fuck, and you just, you can’t forget that, alright?” Bertram’s voice cracked a little. “You can’t forget it.”

“I won’t,” Xi said, forcing himself to sound calm. Bertram had gone from liking Cameron well enough to introduce the two of them to hating the other man deeply enough that his relationship with Xi had taken a serious hit. They’d made up, mostly, but sometimes, like now, the old strain showed. “I promise I won’t.”

“Hmph,” was Bertram’s only response to that. Followed by: “I hear he’s bringing some gamer friends?”

“Yeah,” Xi said calmly, as if Bertram hadn’t just said ‘gamer friends’ in much the same tone as one would say ‘lepers’ or ‘rats’. “Mostly not from Claire’s team, though. Old friends, I’m thinking.” Old friends like we’re old friends, he wanted to add, but didn’t quite dare to.

“Hmph,” Bertram said again. “Well.” From his slightly quieter tone, he’d managed to pick up the unspoken inference anyway. “I’ve an estimate due tomorrow, so I might be a bit late to final rehearsal.”

“The one for the industrial bakery?”

“No, that was last week, thank god. I’m well shot of that lot; tomorrow’s lot is um, it’s um, small-batch canning. Sauces and beans and whatnot, and somehow way more reasonable than the bakers.”

“Oh?”

There followed a short, somewhat ranty explanation about it all being a matter of expectations, and, more specifically, the humbler thoughts the canning company had about just how their web presence would look once Bertram and Ursula were done sprucing it up. “Cans aren’t sexy, and they know it,” Bertram said. “Which, as you know by now, is half the fucking battle. They’re much more rewarding to work with than some idiot convinced a livestream of the factory floor is absolutely necessary. I’d still be sweating over redesigns with that stupid bakery if we didn’t have a time limit spelled out in the contract.”

“Right, right.”

“Annnnd I’m boring you, so. See you later?”

Xi couldn’t help but laugh. “No, no I want to know everything. Can me, alright? Talk to me about sexy, sexy cans…”

Naturally, the conversation took a very silly turn after that, half notable facts (courtesy the humble can company), half Bertram’s entirely inaccurate rating of all the cans he’d seen this week, described in the dirtiest and most suggestive terms possible. When they finally ended the call, the knot of tension Xi had been nursing all week had loosened somewhat, and he set himself to the task of getting ready to head to the venue with a will.

As always, there was an inexhaustible list of things to be done. He panicked on the train for a bit, utterly convinced he’d left one of his cameras, only to run out onto the platform and find the thing squished into a corner of his backpack, underneath his tightly folded VR suit and extra change of clothes. After that, things unfolded a little more smoothly; the venue didn’t spontaneously discover they’d double-booked their room, the caterers confirmed that their party order was en route, and most of the friends and acquaintances that had said they’d be coming confirmed they would indeed be showing up.

The Forest admin covering this region tonight wasn’t someone Xi was familiar with, and didn’t seem to believe Xi’s warning that his channel might generate higher than usual traffic, even though Xi explained that J.E.M., yes, that J.E.M. would be featured on stream tonight. Probably they just thought he was one of the usual raft of streamers trying to hustle their way into a featured slot on their genre’s front page, but oh well; Xi filed an official traffic advisory and attached the chat transcript with said admin just in case, and called it good.

Then… it was the moment before the Moment, and Jiong hadn’t shown up yet, but Xi was finally just enough in the groove from the snappy final rehearsal and the sheer energy of the packed performance room that he didn’t care. Or at least didn’t care so much that he couldn’t smile, couldn’t squeal and cheer and exchange jokes with old friends and acquaintances he’d not seen in months.

Claire was upset with him, but then again, he’d expected that. Her greeting had been a tight, brief hug, a scowl and a grunt, and then Mayu had stepped in to tow her away, smiling, but also clearly just a little upset by proxy.

[mayuuu]: Did you seriously have to tell her now???

[mayuuu]: she was looking forward to this so much!!

[XiErXi]: you’d rather I waited till the jiong showed up and pawed on me in public, then?

[mayuuu]: …

[mayuuu]: …he’s not the type to do that, right?

[XiErXi]: he’s coming with some old friends or something, so I doubt it

[mayuuu]: …

[mayuuu]: old friends? From, from Hallows?? [worried]

It seemed like Mayu had caught wind of that old scandal, whether before Claire’s truce with the captain, or just a few hours ago, when said truce was unequivocally abandoned.

[XiErXi]: you’re seriously thinking too much

[XiErXi]: in any case, most everyone’s masking up, it’s not going to be a problem

[XiErXi]: even if he does get handsy, it’s not like my fans don’t know I’m dating rn

[mayuuu]: …

[XiErXi]: WHAT???

[mayuuu]: um…

[mayuuu]: are you sure he knows to mask?

[XiErXi]: yes! Definitely!!!

[mayuuu]: cos he just came in, and I’m 100% sure he’s not masked…

Panicking, Xi kept his smile up, turning this way and that as naturally as he could, ignoring Yuri’s raised, questioning eyebrows in a bid to try and pin down the position of all the cameras in the room. A glance in the direction of the door had indeed shown Jiong’s mildly smiling, 10000% unmasked countenance, and the equally unmasked countenances of what looked very much like his old pro gamer buddies, and Xi just. He just could not fucking handle this right now.

[XiErXi]: @MrJiong MASK THE FUCK UP OMG

[MrJiong]: ??

[XiErXi]: cameras are live, stream live, omg [crying]

[MrJiong]: !!

“Xi, what the fuck’s gone wrong?” Janey said, her voice whisper quiet, her words squeezed out through a bright smile. “Do we need a cut?”

“Speech right now?” Xi replied, also through a bright smile. “I will owe you a thousand fucking times, I’m so sorry—”

Janey’s smile widened into a familiar, evil grin, and she turned around and hoisted up onto the as yet empty stage, clapping loudly, her wicked smile and presence alone making the hubbub of the room quiet down somewhat. “Oi! Yeah, all of you, means all of you, I’m kicking this off, since it’s practically already time…”

By now, Jiong and his three (or was it four?) gamer friends had hastily donned their masks and activated them, just like nearly half the other people in the room, so Xi could finally breathe easy.

“…and yeah, you’re right, Rach, I’m stealing the show as always. It’s what J.E.M. does best, retired or not retired.”

“But seriously, you’re actually done?” That was Eric, his loud, slightly suspicious drawl provoking a few giggles. “No take-backs?”

Janey sighed, her face losing its former, devilish animation, her gaze solidly trained on Eric’s smirking face. “Eric?”

“Yeeeess?”

“Fuck off.”

Xi couldn’t help but join in the sudden surge of laughter that followed that exchange. God, some things hadn’t changed, Janey was still the best at bringing to life that half serious, half joking dismissal. It had been a popular, somewhat demeaning catchprase for a hot minute, so prevalent that Eric’s nickname in his old channel had been F.O.E., ‘fkofe’ for the truly old karaoke nerds. Eric, who thrived on any and all attention, simply waggled his eyebrows and raised both middle fingers back at Janey, even as the crowd around them hooted.

“All right, all right,” Ursula said, clambering onto the stage. “That’s more than enough of that.”

“There’ll never be enough fuck-off for him,” Yuri muttered, her voice deliberately loud enough to be heard as she too climbed up. “Toad.”

“I heard that!”

“Good hearing for a toad, then.”

“Fuck off yourself, you—you cow—”

“Slut.”

“Bitch!”

“Ooh, did I hit a sore spot?”

“Alright, alright,” Xi said hastily, as he headed up the small set of stairs that led onto the stage. “That’s more than enough colour.”

“He started it!”

“Me? How did I—”

“No, no, no, you can claw each other to death later, we’re starting now,” Xi said, raising his voice so as to drown out both Yuri and Eric’s complaints. “Bertram, stop fucking flirting and come up.”

“Oh, have a heart, Xi,” Bertram whined, even as he took smiling leave of Eric’s blushing sister. “We’re not all like you, we don’t have ready made, cute little boyfriends sitting off stage, just waiting to suck it up when we get back off…”

“Ha, ha, ha,” Xi said, striving to look amused and tolerant even while his gaze went straight to where Jiong—Mike—Jiong and company were sitting. He didn’t know whether to feel glad that Jiong was smiling as if he’d enjoyed the indirect call-out, or whether to feel stupid for being so, so pathetically worried for Jiong’s good opinion that he’d actually check. “Can we now get on with it?”

Janey, giggling—god knew if it was because of the stupid, swear-heavy byplay or if it was because she’d spotted Xi’s telltale distraction just then, Xi just wasn’t going to ask—sashayed to her usual spot in front, followed by Ursula and then, just a little reluctantly, by Xi. “I’m ready. Are you?”

The off-stage lights were already dimming, prompted by Yuri’s quick, smooth commands, and the excited cheers and whoops of the crowd was melding with the rising buzz of the music. Xi, caught between fear and excitement, wavered for only one short moment before giving in.

He smiled, directing it at the crowd, his gaze passing over Jiong, but not lingering. “I’m ready. Are you?”

Bengong: Chinese, literally ‘this palace’, a third person pronoun used by empresses, Imperial concubines, and princesses when speaking to those of lower rank↩