Episode #15 Death

The sound of heavy rain.

Heavy rain was hammering down. Without realizing that Estelle was wearing a nightgown, she carried the sword against her chest and went outside. The rain poured down, drenching her hair and her nightgown.

Unaware that she was barefoot, she began to walk on the ground. The soil soaked with rain covered her bare white feet, but she did not care.

/“Estelle.” (Flashback)/

Khalid's brightly smiling face came to her mind. She could see his light silver blue-colored hair like a cold lake and beautiful purple eyes.

If she had to choose one of the most beautiful people in Estelle's life, she would choose Khalid without hesitation.

One step, one step, she moved her feet forward with difficulty, as if Khalid was standing beyond that rain, drenched in the sorrow that engulfed her body.

/“Estelle, are you okay? I came to save you!” (Flashback)/

When she was isolated among the monsters, she remembered the image of Khalid, who eventually led an army that refused to support him.

He was bruised, and so was Estelle. But the first thing Khalid did was check whether she was injured, and when he confirmed that she was safe, he smiled brightly. For a moment, she had distrusted Khalid, ignoring the fact that she misunderstood thinking he had run away.

Oddly enough, each time her memories of him came back vividly, her hatred for him grew stronger, as if she was finally pulling out a sharp dagger hidden in a splendid sheath.

Estelle's hidden emotions inside Lucifella's shell began to exude, burning intensely.

As she approached the Duke's front gate, she slipped and fell in the rain-soaked mud. It was only natural since she didn’t walk on the stone path prepared for convenience.

But while it was natural for Lucifella, it was not for Estelle. Estelle never slipped and fell in the mud. Lucifella, who slipped with her sword, fell to the ground.

Even though she only fell, it severely impacted her body and she couldn’t get up easily. Her long, wet hair was blocking her view.

She tried to stand up with her sword as support, but she collapsed again. She spat out curses. She kept trying to get up but failed each time. Eventually, the sword that supported her slipped, and she fell again.

Fallen, she put her arms on the ground and raised her torso. Then her gaze reached her trembling arm. The pale skin and frail wrists. Her fragile body caught her eye.

She looked at her own body. Even though she had just been in the rain, her body began trembling. She was startled by her sudden realization and slowly shook her head.

'No, I am not like this. This, this! It isn't my body! This is not my body!'

She bit her lip and shook her head desperately.

'Alas, I hope this nightmare ends soon!'

She tilted her head back and looked up at the sky. The blackish gray clouds were still pouring rain.

With a steamy white sigh, she clenched her teeth. She then stepped on her feet to get up from the ground again as if trying to deny what she had just realized.

She got up slowly without being impatient, and found that she could get up surprisingly quickly this time.

She tried to draw her sword with trembling hands, but the sword could not be pulled out of its sheath. She tried to pull it out repeatedly, but only a small part of the blade became visible.

In addition, she found it difficult even to lift her sword. Although it was not for killing, it was a ceremonial sword that did not smelt from steel, so it was actually light.

Alas!

She had to admit it. She dropped her sword and covered her face with her hands. If she could properly restore her stamina and train her body, she thought she would be able to get back to normal.

Her distinctive and positive thinking made her complacent without her deep reflection. She didn't know what it meant to die, but now she knew.

Even though Estelle was a genius in swordsmanship, Lucifella, who she became, was not.

Muscle strength and agility trained since childhood, senses sharpened by survival instinct, and the ability to see a sword's trajectory. It was something Estelle had innately and something she had learned throughout her life.

Her swordsmanship was the product of Estelle, everything in her life, but not that of Lucifella, Lady amongst the Ladies.

Estelle, a genius in swordsmanship, had died.

Khalid killed her. She died and would never come back. Even though her spirit was alive and her eyes opened here, she was not the former Estelle.

Death was like that. How foolish it was to think that she could eventually recover her stamina and bring her swordsmanship back to life so she could live the same life as before.

She was accepting her own death, Estelle’s death, and only now did she realize her powerlessness over herself, not records or the existence of Khalid engraved in the history books. And she was outraged that he had taken her life away.

“Aaaaah!”

She screamed and wept tears of sorrow. Although shocked by her subordinate's betrayal, she did not accept her death.

But now, it was clear to see what she had lost.

She lost everything – her right to live as Estelle, the honor earned by devoting her life to her country, her comrades through established trust.

She couldn't even become a knight who lost her country. Because the knight Estelle was already dead.

Estelle's memories, not Lucifella's, remained so vividly in her head. Estelle's fierce life and her feelings of betrayal burn so clearly, yet she was no longer Estelle.

Who was she then? Was she Lucifella, or was she Estelle wearing Lucifella's mask?

For the first time, she questioned and cried. The rain continued to pour, a chill spreading all over Lucifella's body.

***

Upon hearing the report, Jed frowned. His aide, Bernard, saw his master's expression change and closed his mouth. This meant that the master was uncomfortable.

“Doing such unbelievable things,” Jed muttered, sitting and leaning on the back of his chair as he looked out his window.

It was raining outside. He was relaxed, but he tapped his desk with his index finger. The impatient ticking sound spread out into the quiet office.

“So, Duke Aydin’s daughter has gone crazy?”

“It’s not that she is crazy. She had a breakdown."

“I don’t know what the difference is,” he said, wringing his lips.

“At Duke Aydin’s household, he is trying to keep it quiet, but rumors tend to be faster.”

“Yeah, I heard that she was crying in the rain in her nightgown at dawn barefoot with a sword out in the garden. Even I would think that she has gone crazy.”

At this point, Bernard thought that he would bring up being skeptical of his engagement to Duke Aydin’s daughter. Being engaged to a madwoman would make him a huge laughing stock despite being the Duke of Heint.

“How the hell is Duke Aydin managing his servants? It seems that they didn’t know their sick master went out and now they aren’t even controlling their mouths. If it were me, I would not let it pass."

As Bernard had expected, he uttered annoyed remarks, but the content was surprising. Instead, it was a tone of rebuke to the servants who spread the rumor.

“Why the hell did that person do such a crazy thing again?”

That person?

Bernard realized that “the person” he was referring to was Lucifella Aydin. Bernard looked at Jed.

"Why?"

“Why, you heard that Her Lady had a breakdown, but are you okay?”

“Do I have to reply that?"

The Duke's reddish-brown eyes had an ominous light. Bernard realized he had made a mistake. However, what he became curious about was that Jed first rebuked the servants who spread the rumors and then complained about Duke Aydin’s daughter. The priority of complaints had changed.

“What is Her Ladyship doing?”

This was also a strange case. Now, instead of swearing at Her Ladyship, he was asking for her regards. Jed was now worried about Lucifella.

“She is suffering from a cold. She was always frail, so it's serious....”

“It must have been because she was in the rain."

Click, he clicked his tongue.

“How far did the rumors spread that she had a breakdown?”

“It shouldn’t have spread yet. It seems that the servants inadvertently talked at the store while buying groceries. It just happened to be our source of information.”

“Guard it.”

Bernard foolishly didn't answer, 'Yes?'. Jed's feelings for Lucifella were uncertain, but Bernard's grasp of his feelings had grown, and he nodded his head and went outside.

Jed sat at his desk and looked out the window blankly. It seemed that she was not sane from the beginning, but why did she want to run away again this time? Besides, she cried like that in the rain. What happened in the Imperial Palace?

As far as he knew, the Crown Prince had hardly come out of his own palace since he was humiliated by Lucifella. He heard the news that he was playing the devil, but that's all, he didn't meet Lucifella that day.

If so, was the meeting with the Emperor the reason? But according to Yiojif, Lucifella lost her way, and although she looked a little upset he said she was okay. He even said that she noticed that Yiojif was trained in swordsmanship, pointing it out with her distinctive tone.

So, what was the reason? Yiojif seemed to know something, but he didn't seem to want to say anything.

Did she really go crazy? He wanted to decline a crazy fiancée.

Then Jed realized that he was thinking deeply about Lucifella, but it wasn't that his interest in her wellbeing surprised him. Also what was wrong with paying attention when she was his fiancée? Such were his thoughts.

She was the one who brought up the divorce, but he hasn't divorced yet, so he can do whatever he wants. They used to know each other and shared the same secret, so was there any law against doing something like this?

After confidently rationalizing himself, Jed began to think more about Lucifella.

He'd met Lucifella a few times in the past, but they both had no interest in each other.

Jed had never been fascinated by Lucifella's beautiful looks as many men were, and she had never given him her gaze, it was always towards the Crown Prince.

As he recalled Lucifella’s gaze toward the Crown Prince, Jed felt like he had been hit in the head with a single blow.

She said she was okay, but maybe she wasn't? She may have been suffering by herself. The iron rule in this world was to hide emotions, so it made sense.

If she kicked the Crown Prince's dick, it meant that she had a pretty big grudge. If Lucifella's words were true, she had suffered the worst betrayal.

He suddenly remembered his men, who were talking about dying because of love.

Jed had never really felt what 'love' was, but he knew that love had the most potent power to turn someone into a madman.

There was no need for him to comfort her pathetic past, but he took it too lightly.

He knew that, too. How much her place in the social circle diminished after Lucifella jumped into the Imperial Palace Lake.

For the ladies, the social world was a battlefield. At such a place, they had already savagely defeated her.

Even the Crown Prince did not respond to her and forced her to attend the banquet after her accident. He thought it was for Temir to mock her, but when Jed thought again, he realized that he was a real bastard to Lucifella. She shouldn't have kicked just once; she should have kicked a little harder.

Jed still thought that the reason for Estelle's strange acts might be because the wounds of her broken heart remained. In the end, Jed concluded that Lucifella had not forgotten the Crown Prince.

Still, he wanted to believe Lucifella because, at that time, Lucifella's face didn't seem like that was the case. However, that was the only explanation. He felt rotten.

“Damn rain,” Jed muttered while gritting his teeth.

***

When she opened her eyes, her vision was blurry and she was out of breath. ‘It could be hard even to roll my eyes’, she thought. She looked around and saw her father next to her. Seeing the worry and sorrow on his face, she slowly blinked her eyes.

She had a fever. She had only had a fever before when she was very young, and she never had one growing up. As Estelle, her bed was where she had nothing to do with the exception of sleeping. But ever since she became Lucifella, she's been living almost exclusively in her bed.

She was damn weak. She lost herself who was strong. Illness doesn't come every other day either, so one needs to be careful all the time. Since she so foolishly was out in the rain, she had to pay the price. Now, not only was she unable to wield a sword, but she also needed to pay close attention to everything.

Every single movement of her finger and every act of exhaling her breath felt far away as if they were someone else's actions.

When Lucifella moved, Duke Aydin raised his head and looked at her. Looking into his eyes, somehow, her heart throbbed, and she felt guilty.

"Lucy."

Lucifella blinked her eyes at his call, mixed with his mournful weeping. Duke Aydin's face contorted.

“Was it hard? Was it that difficult?”

Duke Aydin was in tears. Seeing him sobbing and flushed red face, Lucifella sighed inside her.

“I won’t ask anything. I don't want anything from you. Can't you just live a healthy, happy life? Shouldn't that be the case?"

She was neither healthy nor happy. Was he aware that it was complicated for her to talk about it? She did it herself.

What was a happy life like this? Now that Estelle was dead, was it happiness for her to adapt to Lucifella and live happily ever after? Was this how she had to live? If so, where did Estelle's heart go?

Her heart ached, her hatred boiling, her sorrow overflowing. She felt chaotic with a life that was unjustly taken away and an infamous death left in history. She was getting sick of everything.

“Don’t worry, Daddy will do everything for you. If you are suffering, I will relieve you of that suffering.”

The Duke's words would only linger outside of her ears.

If this was another chance for her, she has been given a new life. Still, she couldn't get up. But she also didn't want to die with this despair.

As she experienced an actual "death," she realized how terrifying it was to end her life. Instead, she began to burn with the will to live.

She wanted to live. She didn't know if she was going to die this time. Maybe it was because she finally realized that she was Estelle, and she really was dying. Estelle didn't want to die again this time.

The deeper her despair, the more she wanted to live. Because when she died, she couldn’t even feel despair.

Every time she felt despaired, she fell asleep. In her sleep, she dreamed of Lucifella. When she finally admitted her death, the memories crept in.

She saw how lonely Lucifella was when she was young. On the day of her mother's death, Duke Aydin abandoned Lucifella in his grief. He cried, saying he would follow her mother. No one comforted her 'self.'

The Duke literally wanted to follow his wife. He took poison and attempted suicide. It was Lucifella who found her unconscious father.

The suicide was unsuccessful, and the Duke survived. After waking up, the Duke found Lucifella. He hugged her and wept. Duke never gave up on his life again. From then on he tried to always show Lucifella the best of his love as her father.

But she was Lucifella, and she knew that his devotion was only out of guilt. Already the Duke had abandoned her when her mother died. He would be someone who could abandon himself again at any crisis, leaving her all alone. The Duke probably did not know how much the love he tried to give made Lucifella more miserable. Lucifella did not have faith in her own father. That was what made Lucifella go awry.

Whenever she slept without any energy, the memories of Lucifella repeated. As if her mind was telling her to forget Estelle. Therefore, Lucifella tried to keep herself awake in any way possible for her health and to prevent Estelle's memory from being engulfed by Lucifella's memories.

But she continued to suffer. Why were these memories flooding in? Why did she keep having memories that don’t belong to Estelle?

Eventually, she began to get confused as her memories replayed.

‘Am I Estelle? Or am I Lucifella with Estelle's memory? Can I be called Estelle, who has Lucifella's body and Lucifella's memories?’

It was a question that she had never directly asked. She just thought, of course, that she was Estelle. Her body had changed, her environment had changed, but she had no one to recognize her existence as Estelle, so how could she think of herself as Estelle?

After three days, her fever had gone down to a point where it would not jeopardize her life.

Then the Duke began to enter the palace again. Lucifella felt downcast when the Duke was not with her every time she woke up, but she knew there was nothing she could do about it.

In her memory of Lucifella, the Duke was always busy with work. Loving his daughter and the importance of work were two separate acts for him.

After meekly following his instructions to take medicine and eat, she regained enough energy to get up and move around. However, her weak body was slow to recover. Her fever didn't seem to drop, and Lucifella remained dazed at all times.

She was in the worst mood that day. Lucifella's mood was soured because she had a dream that her social circle bullied her. Her maids comforted her, but to no avail.

Because she was a woman with this fragile body, she was in a position where she could not do anything but lie down, swallowing her frustrations in tears. The more she accepted her weak body, the more her despair grew.

“My Lady, he is here! You have to get ready.”

"Who?"

“Sir Duke of Heint.”

‘Why should I prepare?’ Lucifella thought blankly.