The climb up isn’t the hard part. It is the swing, catch, swing, almost fall, pull, swing, almost fall, pull, and catch that is.

I am outside the window of the Chief’s hut, looking inside where he sleeps. And snores. Loudly.

The Chief’s HUT HAS A SINGLE WINDOW! Rich bastard! I consider my options and come up with nothing. So I do what makes the most sense.

I break the window with a rock. The glass shatters, and the frame crumbles for some reason as everything hits the ground in a loud “catussssssssh” that would have woken an undead Liche but still isn’t louder than the Chief snoring.

“Woot!” I whisper as I climb in. I put both feet on the ground before I realize my mistake.

Rock has taken -4 damage from shards of broken glass.

I drop the rock and put both hands on my mouth as I muffle a scream.

FUCKING YEEZUS!!! My now bleeding foot screams as I try to dance away from the layers of broken glass I just landed feet first in.

Oh god, Oh god, oh YEEZUS, WHY!

I hop and hop without any hands to balance myself as I crash into the Chief’s desk, then the Chief’s rack of weapons, then the door to the cabin which buckles a little under my weight and causes other things to shift dangerously. I let out a wordless scream in panic and pain as my bare feet burn with shards of flimsy human glass.

I have to sit. I have to pull the glass out of my feet and do it without screaming into the heavens. Or before the Chief wakes up, which seems to be any moment from now, as I hear his snoring go from a constant blow horn to a series of stops and stutters.

I scramble in desperation, removing my satchel from my hip and dumping my favorite rocks on the floor as I shove the empty purse into my mouth. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

I pull. And I pull some more. Removing larger and larger chunks of glass from my soles and between my toes. I scream. I let out a muffled scream as hot tears run down my eyes. Oh, Yeezus. The big chunks are gone, the ones the size of my finger. Now the ones the size of my fingernails are left. I stab and scrape at them as blood covers the dirt and my fingers. I can feel myself getting light-headed from the pain. But I can’t stop. If I pass out here—

Chief gets up. He doesn’t see me, but he gets up. I scramble as he rolls out of bed, somehow not seeing me as he yawns. I realize that he’s wearing something to cover his eyes. I crawl as quickly as I can until I bump into something—

THE STAFF OF LEADERSHIP!

ON GOBLIN SUPREMACY! I grab it as it’s leaning on the wall and realize too late that it’s heavier than I thought it was.

Now here is the thing. The hut is small. The bed is on the far side of the hut, several feet from the desk but still a relatively cramped living space. It’s what the humans would call a bachelor pad, whatever that means; thus, a 5-foot staff falling inside of it wouldn’t go… unnoticed.

“Who the fuck is there!” the Chief bellows as he reaches for his mask.

The good Goblin in me wants to answer him, but the Goblin Goblin in me—

Before he gets off his face mask, I grab the staff and wack him hard upside his head. I watch in slow motion as my Chieftain hits the ground.

Chief has taken -11 damage from the Chief Staff of Leadership!

Oh fuck. Fuck. FUCK! I did that! I hit the Chief. The Goblin, my elder and leader, groans as he slowly gets up.

But I hit him again! Square on the back! And as the System chimes-

Chief has taken -7 damage from the Chief Staff of Leadership!

- I run. I RUN!

OH MY YEEZUS! I don’t even open the door. I just crash through it as everything buckles and shakes behind me. The world is a blur of motion as I go tumbling down the abyss of dirt and rocks with staff in hand! I scream. I scream like a baby goblin being chased up the Cave of Wonders. And the village lights up with activity as I come barreling down the hill. The Chief voice comes booming after me as I run past tents and huts, waking up to the commotion.

“YOU’RE GOING TO DIE WHEN I CATCH YOU!”

And then I hear the sound of a heap of mismatched parts and supports yawning just before something just gives, followed by a loud Kaboom! I look up, and the Chief’s hut has collapsed. I raise the Staff of Leadership and howl in triumph!

“GOBLIN SUPREMACY!”

And as a crowd emerges, I do the only thing left to do. Dance. Dance in a shaking, happy, jubilant jiggle as I waved the Staff of Leadership back and forth as I laugh and laugh.