March

University. It loomed before her like a kingdom; Gab had come to find her place. She wasn’t sure if she was arriving as the brave explorer or the bedraggled castaway. But there was possibility. She was here.

Classes began. Days were devoted to reading, learning and exploring ideas in areas Gab was most passionate about. She couldn’t imagine anything better, though she missed Jack and Tony. Sharing chores with the other three girls in the apartment was a breeze for Gab, compared with what she’d been used to at home. And sharing the cooking! Gab couldn’t believe her luck.

Unfortunately, she had developed nightmares. Gab would wake up shaking and drenched in sweat, thinking she’d heard Gina cry out—only realising after several moments that actually she was safe, far away, living in the city. The awful dreams left lingering imprints as her fears took shape in the strangest forms, revealing the terror that she’d hidden from herself.

After waking, Gab would lie there wondering, fearing what her mother was up to right at that moment; wondering whether Gina was safe or whether she was staring at her pills, fighting the desire to take them all at once. Then Gab felt wrought with guilt. She would resolve at 3am to go home and leave uni behind her; perhaps she would enrol in long-distance courses instead, like Mr. C. had suggested over a year ago. Then she’d think of Mr. C. and feel a spark of warmth just knowing he existed. She would hear him telling her that it was okay for her to be here, at uni, living her life. But the pain of longing and loss came with this too and confused her. Gab didn’t know what it was or why it was so strong, and she didn’t know how long she could bear it.

Things always looked different when the sun rose, and if the world of the night was a painful imposition on her health and her freedom, at least it receded into the distance and could be forgotten for a good twelve hours at a time … until the evening came round again, and Gab feared to meet herself and her hidden experiences in the world of her dreams.

***

Gina spent even longer meditating on her daughter’s distance from her than Gab spent in worrying about her mother. Gina would sit brooding for hours, angry at Gab for leaving her behind, for reaching out for life, for succeeding in her ambition to go to university. It made Gina feel all the more a failure, though the way she explained it to herself was to say that Gab had deserted her. Besides, she felt unconsciously incompetent after years of having Gab meet her needs, and it was simply inconvenient to have to do things herself. Gina hated doing the grocery shopping. She hated leaving the house. She hated having to cook meals and often simply went without, although Tony was kind enough to bring extra meals down at least once a week.

“Come on, Gina,” he said one evening, dropping off half a lasagne. “Be happy for the girl. She’s making her own way in the world!”

“Yes Tony, but what kind of a way?” retorted Gina acerbically, standing at the front door and taking the meal Tony that handed her.

“Well, precisely the way that’s right for her! She’s clever, you know. She’s studying something she loves!”

“I would have thought, Tony, that someone like you would understand the responsibilities of family.”

“Ohhh, I see.” Tony rolled his eyes and turned to leave. “Well, you just take care Gina. You don’t be putting the guilts on Gab for going, you hear? She’s got every right to go and live her life.”

He walked back up the hill to his farmhouse. Sometimes he felt tempted to poison the lasagne, but he slapped himself on the metaphorical wrist whenever that thought snuck in.