《Listen Now: A Harry Potter & Remus Lupin Hurt/Comfort Mentor Fic》Chapter 12: Conditional
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For the next few days, Remus was continually impressed by Harry's initiative and work ethic. He began to question his original impressions of the boy. When Remus had had Harry as a student, his homework was always sloppy, he showed up to class at the last minute, and his notes were a disorganized mess. He was bright and had a natural inclination for Defense Against the Dark Arts, and he was engaged in class, so he always did quite well on assignments and exams, but it wasn't by virtue of hard work and determination. It was talent. Remus could see so much of James in Harry, it had almost hurt.
There was none of James in Harry now. There wasn't much of Lily, either. Truth be told, though, as far as Remus could tell, there wasn't much of Harry.
Remus had expected that Harry might show some signs of lingering trauma after enduring the Dursleys' abuse once again. Based on what he'd read in the parenting books, he'd half expected that Harry would be testing him by talking back, lashing out, or breaking rules.
There was none of that. Harry was up before the sun making breakfast, he studied quietly in his room for much of the day. He called Remus sir just often enough that Remus ended up correcting him, but when he did, he regretted saying anything—Harry apologized several times. Harry was also far too obedient for any self respecting Gryffindor. When Remus mentioned that Harry should spend more time socializing with the others at Grimmauld Place, Harry immediately started spending the better part of the day in the common area making polite conversation with whoever was there at the time.
On the third day of this, Remus took Sirius aside and asked whether Harry seemed to be acting strangely.
Sirius's eyebrows furrowed. "Only around you," he said.
Remus blinked a few times. "What does that mean?"
"He jokes and laughs with me, and he seems comfortable around Tonks. He's a little wary around Moody, might still be getting used to seeing him as himself rather than as Barty Crouch Jr., and he's a big intimidated by Kingsley, but . . . nothing like when you walk into a room."
"You think he's scared of me?"
"I don't know about that. But any time you walk into the room, he freezes up. Stops smiling, loses his nerve. Becomes the image of politeness." Sirius frowned. "What happened between you two? Been meaning to ask what you said to him."
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"I—I haven't the faintest idea." Remus shook his head. He might have come down a little hard on Harry when he'd caught him in the library with his hand stuck in a dark artifact, but he couldn't help that—it wouldn't have been safe to let that one go with out at least chiding the boy. He had been a bit sharp, but he highly doubted that was still bothering Harry days later. "Has he said anything about being upset with me?"
"Not a word."
"Ah . . . I suppose I should try to talk to him."
"Be careful." That was the only advice Sirius gave.
On the fourth day, Remus caught Harry before bed. "Harry, may I have a word with you?"
The blood drained from Harry's face. "Is everything alright, sir—I mean, Remus?"
"Well, that's what I'm trying to figure out, my boy. Are you . . ." He had wanted to ask whether Harry was upset with him, but he found he couldn't get such a direct question out. Instead, he asked, "Are you happy here?"
"Are you kidding me? It's so much better than the Dursleys."
"Good, good." Remus couldn't figure out where to go from there.
"Er . . . is everything alright with you?"
"Of course, I just . . ." Remus swallowed. He was usually the person who knew exactly what to say, but this had him at a loss. In the end, he took the coward's way out. "I wanted to ask if there was anything I could do to make you more comfortable."
"No, I'm fine." Harry spoke a bit too quickly.
"I see." Remus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Harry, if there's ever anything you want to talk about . . ."
"I'm really fine, Remus, you don't have to worry about me."
Remus sighed and dropped his hand. "Sleep well, my boy."
"You too," Harry said, and he disappeared into his room.
Remus paced out into the common area, lost in thought. There was definitely something going on with Harry, but Remus didn't know what it was or what to do about it. He considered bringing it up to Sirius again, but Sirius hadn't been particularly helpful the first time. Tonks was always sympathetic, but he didn't want to go to her with his issues—he was wary of strengthening his relationship with her in that way. Besides, what he really wanted was to speak to someone who was experienced with teenagers and could give him an insight into Harry's thoughts.
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That ruled out everyone who was currently living at Grimmauld Place, but it also meant he knew exactly with whom he needed to speak.
Remus immediately went into his own room, sat down at his desk, and drafted a letter to Minerva, requesting a meeting.
The next morning, shortly after breakfast—which Harry had made, again—Remus found himself sitting in Professor McGonagall's office. As Gryffindor's Head of House, she still had to remain at the castle to complete a few weeks' worth of administrative work before she could leave for the summer. "I appreciate you meeting with me on short notice," Remus said.
"Always happy to speak with an old friend," Minerva said. "How is Harry?"
"Well, that's what I wanted to speak with you about. I believe you may know the boy better than I do, and I was wondering if perhaps you might have some insight into some . . . behaviors I've witnessed."
She raised her eyebrows. "Reckless rule breaking, I assume?"
"If it were that, I wouldn't be asking. I'm perfectly aware of whose son he is."
"Fair." Minerva cracked a half a smile, more of a smirk. "Am I to assume the self endangerment is under control, then?"
"It's just the opposite of what I would have expected. He's up at the crack of dawn every morning, fixing breakfast and doing chores. He studies throughout the day, he calls me sir, he keeps his room perfectly clean, and he's the image of politeness."
Minerva's eyes narrowed. "That is very much unlike Harry. Did something happen?"
"There was a brief moment when I snapped at him, but I can't believe that that's still on his mind. He went through so much worse at his aunt and uncle's house, but I cannot help but feel that some part of his mind believes he is still there."
"Very possible," Minerva said. "You must give him time, Remus. You cannot expect him to settle in overnight."
"I know." He took a deep breath. "But he seems to be very specifically afraid of me. Even Sirius has seen it."
Minerva frowned. "Have you discussed expectations with the boy?"
"We had that talk on his first day. I gave him a few simple rules, and I asked what he needed from me. Based on our earlier conversations, I had believed he wanted for me to be his guardian, but I'm not so sure he wants that now."
"Did you tell him you want to adopt him?"
"Given my condition, I couldn't make any promises of the sort. I told Harry that we would continue the arrangement for as long as it worked well for both of us."
Minerva's face fell, and she hung her head. "You foolish boy."
Remus's mouth fell open. He had missed something—it was obvious to her, but he had no idea what it was.
"He thinks you're asking him to earn his keep, Remus. He believes he's on trial, and you gave him every reason to believe it."
For a moment, Remus's eyes widened with worry. But he quickly shook his head. "That cannot be why."
"And why not?"
"Because if he felt insecure, wouldn't he be testing me? Breaking rules, pushing boundaries?"
"Children test when they feel secure, Remus. Insecure children can be more unpredictable. But believe me, Remus, that boy wants you to be his guardian. He's trying to earn your love."
"Earn my . . ." Remus felt like his heart was tearing into pieces. "I've made him feel insecure."
"You've never given him a reason to feel otherwise."
"I—I didn't want to make him any promises I couldn't keep."
"You love the boy. More than you love yourself."
"Yes." No part of him felt any hesitation about that.
"You wish to protect him, and you're willing to make the sacrifices needed to do so."
"Of course."
"You're a well educated man. Responsible, competent, caring."
Remus lowered his head. "You are very kind."
"Harry respects you."
"I suppose."
"Then the answer is simple."
Remus looked up at her.
The intensity of her gaze seemed to bore holes in his face. "Make promises. And keep them."
A wave of new determination rose in his chest. "I know what to say. I must speak with him."
"Yes, you must." Her eyes lit up in a full smile. "Go."
He gave her a nod, offered a quick, "Thank you," and stepped into the fireplace.
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