《In the shadows》The Mental Characteristics

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Their baby arrives, crying and flailing, and is placed gently into Satan’s arms. He looks down at his newborn, tears of joy streaming down his face as he is overcome with a love like no other.

That is the scene he expected to unfold for him. After what felt like an eternity, his son was finally placed onto his chest, a slimy, writhing alien-looking thing. And all he wanted was for someone to take Elio back. He watched, numb, as his husband cut his cord and as he checked him over. He felt relief that his cries meant he was OK. He felt glad the birth was over. He felt completely out of it. What he didn't feel was an overwhelming rush of love and joy upon meeting his newborn. Alpha’s friends came to visit, their happy coos filling the sterile room as they held his son and took photos, grinning and rejoicing in a way he hadn't. Some even shed tears. He could only watch, an outsider to their happiness, confined to his bed, in pain and exhausted. When his friends had their babies, they had posted smiling photos of them on Instagram and Facebook, just hours after birth. "So in love!", "My whole world!", "Heart exploding!" But he just didn't feel it.

“Am I the only new dad who isn’t in love with our new baby?”

“No,” Alpha answered shortly. “You need time to process what you’ve been through before you can give your love and attention to the baby.”

It took months for Satan to fall in love with his son and he worried if it would ever happen. He didn’t even consider the possibility that he may not fall in love with their new baby right away.

"A bond develops over time” Alpha smiled. “It is helped by a rush of love when the baby arrives, but that doesn't have to be present to create a positive, warm, loving connection which is what love is."

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For Satan, even weeks later, those warm feelings didn't arrive. He was confined to the sofa, in what seemed an endless cycle of feeding, dirty nappies and rocking to sleep. Exhausted but awake, he would scroll through Facebook and Instagram — and it didn't help. He felt more isolated than ever. Everyone else seemed to be enjoying fatherhood, proof evident in a never-ending stream of smiles, selfies, and sweet, spotless outfits. He felt like he was barely surviving each hour.

"I would advise you to take the pressure off yourself,” Alpha offered him a hug. “It is normal to feel sad.”

“I hate it,” Satan was not comfortable with physical contact, as if he has been through some kind of trauma.

One day six months in, unable to get his baby to nap yet again, meaning no break for him, and after another fitful night, he rang a friend in tears.

"I hate it," he blurted out. "I hate being a dad." It seemed an abhorrent thing to admit. As he sobbed, she told him that it gets better, that it gets easier, to hang in there. But the most reassuring thing she said was that she had felt exactly the same way.

"And if those negative feelings aren't going away, ask for help."

And that's eventually what he did. He found a great psychologist who diagnosed him with depression and stress disorder. With Alpha, they began to rebuild. Finally, he could feel the love. Tears stung his eyes and his heart felt like it was going to burst when he did fall in love with his son. One morning just after dawn, nine months after his son entered the world, he was stirring from the first sleep he’d had which involved more than four consecutive hours. He rolled over in bed and glanced into the cot. Their eyes met and he smiled, a huge grin that scrunched up his eyes, delighted simply by the sight of him. Tears stung his eyes and his heart felt like it was going to burst.

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"Hello, baby," he whispered and sat up. It took many months, but finally, he could look at his son and feel love.

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