A T-rex screamed and lowered its massive head, great ropes of saliva falling heavily between its feet. With an ungainly lean it dropped its heavy frame into a plodding meander, seemingly content to explore its immediate surroundings. Even from this distance I could feel the impacts as the Rex’s feet hit the hard earth. At least, I think that’s a T-Rex. I mean, it looks just like all the cliché Jurassic Park movie animatrons and it has the little hands and the big head so it has to be a T-rex, right? It doesn’t really make a difference that it’s RIGHT OUTSIDE MY GODDAMN BEDROOM.

...The bedroom that magically assembled itself around me while I free-fell from space only to be saved by a futon with the softness factor of a movie star’s chiseled abs.

“What the fuck?” My eloquence really shines through in stressful situations. Ok let’s regroup. My room is right there, I can still see my scratched, wooden desk and the Lord of the Rings posters on my wall from here but I’m in a place big enough to fit a… With a splintering crash I see my room’s wooden support structure break apart, the beams popping like firecrackers. Glancing over I see my minifridge rupture, shattered pieces of steel and plastic sprinkling over the remains of my futon, white clouds of drywall dust coiling in time to the sound of heaving lungs, the entire scene colorfully festooned with the ribbons of what used to be my posters. I hope Mr. T is just bored and not hungry because something tells me captain crunch and the milkshake I had in that fridge wouldn’t quite satisfy the overgrown destruction gecko.

“Move newbie!!”

Suddenly the ground took a life of its own and decided to chuck me into the pallid sky. Judging by the fact that that same traitorous ground was already rushing back to apologize I must not have flown far. I braced myself to tuck and roll just like I’ve seen done a hundred times in manga and legend of Zelda…

“Hey! Hey get up! We have to get out of here!”

“Did I make it? Am I a ninja now?” I crack my eyes open to see someone hunched over my prone form, urgently shaking my shoulder.

“Sure I don’t care just get up!” I stagger to my feet with the help of a small blonde boy dressed in what looks like…woven leaves? Scandalous but I won’t judge. My head is throbbing and I’m still a little hazy. It looks like my backpack broke most of the fall. The kid is trying to make me hurry by dragging my collar, a somewhat counterproductive effort considering his comparative lack of height.

“We have to go! Now! Run! Run now!”

“But wait, my stuff? And what about that uh… well that?” I ask gesturing to the T-Rex who now appeared to be breathing fire, and also possibly an earth bender.

“Grey will handle it now move!” He emphasized his words by giving up on pulling my collar and instead shoving on my butt. I move. I stumble through trees which are growing about where my neighbor’s house should be and try to blink the confusion from my head. My attempts were wildly unsuccessful, possibly because I only just recovered from making out with the ground but maybe a bit more because a mostly naked? – wait are those ears pointed? Is he (actually she I think) an elf? Sure let’s go with that- elf is leading me through woods away from a fire breathing lizard that traded its dragon wings for the ability to earthbend. Maybe it was the Avatar. Alright we shall now dub him T-Aang, the last airbender.

“Hey! Wake up! I asked if you’re hurt anywhere?” The elf was looking at me concernedly [is that a word?] with startlingly green eyes. Hell if she wasn’t a total stranger I might make some terrible joke about the only thing throbbing being my-… ah... heart. Yep - looking into those emerald pools or some cheesy bullshit. But I am not only a scholar but a GENTLEMAN so I’ll just say “Aubleubbubehhy?” Wait what the fuck. “Gufl guat oli vudt.”

“What? Oh you have confuse cast on you. I must be fine just because of my resist. Grey has his anklet so he’ll be alright too. Seriously why the hell is something like that running around Taron? This isn’t an event we would have gotten some notice surely. Hey make sure to note any defining features for a report.”

“Aidgfgbgjhl.”

“Sorry mate I don’t have any spells to cure you. Not sure I’d waste one on a newbie with that thing around anyway. It’ll wear off. Probably.” I didn’t miss the grimace so it looks like I might be playing the role of witless wonder a little longer than I might’ve hoped. Well it’s probably for the best. If I still had control over my tongue I might say something awkward like how her ass is clearly a defining feature. Yeah wouldn’t want her to feed me to T-Aang right after saving me.

“What the fuck were you thinking!?” A tall man wearing a battered breastplate and gauntlets over leather and chain armor yelled while jogging quickly toward us. He held a broken sword in one hand while using the other to switch off between gesturing wildly and stemming the blood from a nasty cut above one thick eyebrow.“Did you think the twenty foot death monster was just going to what WALK AWAY if you stayed in your weird little house? Didn’t you see that thing flatten it in about two seconds? How stupid are you??”

Jesus. It looks like ass isn’t being monopolized by walking scandal over here, though this guy adds a whole ‘nother level of hole to the mix. “Foc shu.”

“Grey! You’re ok!”

Ah. So elfy is happy he’s here. She has terrible taste in men.

“Sorry. I’m just a little excited right now. I mean, did you see that monster? I think the teeth were just for show. Maybe not death incarnate but I do NOT want to run into it again. I’m pretty sure I only got away because it had hurt its mouth somehow, like it had eaten razor blades or something so didn’t feel like fighting.”

Holy shit. Captain Crunch I owe you my life.

“But yeah I saw it throwing out some AoE debuffs so you might have been hit by a few. Are you both alright?”

“I am but the new kid got hit with a confuse at least. He’s only been able to talk in garbled nonsense since I grabbed him.”

Excuse you I could be Russian. You wouldn’t even know.

“Oh here let me help you out with that.” The new guy, Grey I think, unclipped a bracelet from off his ankle and slid it onto my arm. It flashed briefly before the air around me seemed to snap with a quiet pop.

“Sweet thanks dude.” I flash a convincing smile. It looks like elfy is monopolizing the ass department after all.

“Oh also, Kel? I think you might want to slip it on for a second too.”

“Eh? Why? I feel fine.”

“Just trust me here.” Grey retrieved his bracelet from me and tossed it to Kel. With another quiet pop both the air and Kel snapped out of existence. In her place was a little boy, probably twelve, in a deep green blouse with brown hunting slacks. The ass department is a cold and desolate workplace... I feel dirty.

“Ahaha looks like you were hit with charm, though I don’t know why it was casting something so harmless.”

Oh no trust me, it was a very malicious curse. “Ah looks like new guy is disappointed. Don’t worry man; I was disappointed she was female too.”

“I mean of course I’m disappointed did you…” I turn to see Grey shaking his head sadly. I quickly look down. Yep she’s female. Well nothing wrong with that follow your heart or penis or whatever I mean it’s not like SHE’S TWELVE. “Kel is it?” I ask the elf, “If you ever see him walking towards a school, notify the police.”

“What? There aren’t any cops here, at least not that I’ve seen?” So she’s been looking for them.

The latent pedophile sighed then set off at a brisk pace. “Anyway we should probably head back to town; the guard will want to know that that monster is in the area. They’ll probably dispatch an extermination team.” They should send two; T-Aang isn’t the only child-eater after all. With a loud sigh Kel and I stood up and grabbed our bags - hers a large rucksack ordeal, and mine my mostly empty backpack – and followed suit.