There are seven classes of mortals. Each has its uses.

The Lore of Above and Below, Verse 97

Five ainling slavers burst into the throne room and hissed triumphantly when they saw Snotgut. The ainling were tall, skinny humanoids with the heads of snakes. Their skin was scaly and green, and their feet and fingers ended in stubby claws. It was their heads, though, that attracted the most attention, with big slitted eyes, wide mouths, and long tongues that lashed out to taste the air. They were sleek, swift, horrible creatures, the favored race of the god Instinct, and killers by both class and nature. Chaos took a moment to enjoy the sight of them.

“Wait, did you say they were slaver takers?” Chaos asked.

The ainling were armed with small shields and long whips ending in hooks. They carried chains wrapped around their bodies. Their leader, who was a head taller than the others, pointed eagerly at Snotgut, but the rest of his gang hissed with concern as Chaos leaned forward on her throne, her bulky body glistening in the fire light. They muttered uneasily, unsure of what to do.

“Tahnago,” their leader said. “You are assss ugly as the rumoursss say.”

Chaos narrowed her eyes slightly. She wasn’t vain, by the standards of the pantheon, but nor was she particularly forgiving of such rudeness.

“What do you want, ainlings?” she demanded. “I’m busy.”

“There are goblinsss here,” their leader said. “We will take themsss.”

“There’s only one goblin here,” Chaos lied easily. “And he’s my servant. We could play a game for him, if you like? I’d suggest ch—”

“No games! There are more goblinsss here! We tracked them! Givesss them to usss!”

The ainling leader threw his head back and opened his jaws, exposing long fangs. The other snapped their whips in the air and screamed, a dissonance racket that hurt the ears and was meant to intimidate any who heard it, putting fear into their hearts. Chaos, however, quite liked it.

“You won’t win me over with music,” she said. “So if you don’t want to play a game, you may as well leave now. The goblins are mine. What do ainling even want with goblins?”

“The master pays well for slavesss,” their leader hissed. “Give them to usss and we sssshare the coin, or you will die.”

Chaos shook her head sadly. The ainling were lame, only one level of power more than the goblins they chased. Chaos was weak and broken, but even so she would have no trouble dealing with the intruders. To Chaos, the great player of games, this was a disappointment. Still, dealing with the ainling would be fun. The only question was how to do it. She could destroy them with a fireball, but that lacked artistry. Perhaps she could cause them to fall asleep for a hundred years, or hallucinate that they were mice, or—

“Stay back, mistress. I can take them,” Snotgut said confidently.

“What? No, don’t do that. I know goblins can’t count, but there are lots of them and only one of you. You’ll die for sure.”

“Wanna bet on it? Loser has to make the winner her champion.”

“Well…”

“Great!”

Snotgut moved between Chaos and her enemies, beckoning them to come closer. It was not a good tactic for a sneak. His class relied on stealth and surprise; how could he backstab anyone from the front? It was, however, a classic goblin move: see the problem, fight the problem. Done.

“Huh!” the ainling leader said, “the little goblin wantsss to fight! Come on, little goblin, do your—”

Snotgut drew a thin blade from his grubby robes and flicked it towards the nearest ainling, catching the creature in its eye. It slumped over, dead. The ainling stopped laughing and raised their bucklers and whips. Snotgut cackled loudly, drawing another blade. Before he could throw it, the ainling leader lashed out with its whip, catching Snotgut around the legs. It pulled hard, and the goblin fell backward. He tried to roll away, but the whip’s hooks caught in his legs and stopped him. The ainling leader pulled the little goblin towards him, hissing in satisfaction. The other ainlings began to whip the little goblin, too, ripping the skin off his arms and face. Chaos was about to intervene when Snotgut looked up at the fire elementals Chaos had placed on the walls.

“Hey, elementals! Burn bright and then fade!” Snotgut shouted.

The throne room became painfully bright and then fell into darkness. The ainlings hissed again – it was their default sound, after all – but this time it was in confusion as they found themselves suddenly blind in the darkness. Chaos, who needed no light to see, watched in amusement as Snotgut used the confusion to escape the whips, raced around an ainling, and executed the classic backstab that made sneaks so dangerous. The ainling fell, and Snotgut kept moving. Sneaks could never win a fair fight, so an intelligent sneak never fought fair. The ainling clumped together and their leader held his torch over his head, casting shadows through the cave. Snotgut crept through the cave, circling the ainling.

“Killsss the goblinsss!” the ainling leader hissed.

Snotgut attacked, stabbing an ainling in the leg then leaping away before it could respond.

“Good, goblin!” Chaos yelled out, impressed.

But Snotgut no longer held the element of surprise. Light was returning the cave, and the ainling had regained their sight. Their leader charged forward with uncanny speed, kicking out with scaled legs, catching the goblin in his chest, and throwing him through the air. Snotgut twisted as he flew, landing hard on his face and sliding into the stone cave wall opposite Chaos. He didn’t get up. Chaos frowned, disappointed. For a fleeing moment, she thought Snotgut might actually succeed. On the other hand, his death meant she’d won a bet, which was always satisfying.

“That was fun, while it lasted,” Chaos said. “Now remind me, which one of you losers called me ugly?”

The ainling leader turned back to Chaos, cracking his whip excitedly.

“The master may wantsss a tahnago,” it said, its long tongue flicking through the air. “Getsss it!"

But both Chaos and the ainling had underestimated Snotgut; he was only playing dead. He rolled to his feet, drawing another knife and approaching one of the ainling from behind. It was another classic sneak attack, striking unexpectedly and from behind, too. Snotgut used a neat backstab strike from before, and another ainling fell. The last two spun back to see Snotgut; it was two versus one, a situation no sneak wanted to find themselves in. Snotgut was bruised and bloodied, too, while the larger ainling were untouched. Yet it was the ainling who hesitated. Snotgut bowed low, mocking them.

“Getsss him!” the ainling leader said, shoving his companion forward.

The smaller ainling hesitated, so the leader whipped it across the back. It hissed but stepped towards Snotgut. The little goblin’s single hand was clenched around something. The ainling threw its whip aside and drew a short, curved knife. It lunged forward, but as it did, Snotgut opened his hand, throwing dirt into the ainling’s face, blinding it again. It crashed into him, and they both hit the ground. The ainling was heavier and had two arms to the goblins one, but ground fighting was dirty, and nobody fights dirtier than a goblin. The goblin struck out with knees and elbow, then buried its teeth in the ainling’s long neck. The ainling gurgled, slapped at the goblin with its hands, and finally went limp.

Seeing his last companion fall, and realising he was next, the ainling leader turned and ran.

“Hey! Wait! The goblin and I have a bet that needs settling!” Chaos yelled after it.

She waved a hand and the ainling was pulled backward towards her throne as if yanked by invisible ropes. It swore loudly, but there was nothing it could do. She trapped it in place with her spell as Snotgut approached. The little goblin was covered in blood and dirt. The ainling he had wrestled on the ground had bitten him several times, and the poison was having an effect. The little goblin clutched the side of his head where part of an ear had been ripped away.

“Seventeen down, mistress,” Snotgut said, swaying. “Or maybe two, even.”

“Four,” Chaos corrected him patiently. “But you’ve done well, goblin. Concede the bet and I will heal you.”

“And then can I be your champion?”

“No. One ainlign remains, so the bet is not won. Give up, goblin.”

“Nah. I can take him, mistress.”

Chaos considered this. The little goblin seemed determined to die.

“At least find a knife first,” she said.

Snotgut turned to the nearest fallen ainling, searching its body until he found a long knife. He held it loosely by his side as if he couldn’t lift its weight, then moved between the ainling and the throne room exit.

“Ainling, are you ready?” Chaos asked the ainling leader.

It struggled against her invisible ropes, unsure of what was happening.

“Whatsss?”

“Good enough. Fight!”

She released the ainling, who stepped forward in confusion. Finding itself free, it leaped at Snotgut. The little goblin slashed out with his knife, but the ainling leader hit him hard, burying its fangs in his neck. The goblin fell to one side, and the ainling kicked him in the side with a crack that was bound to break ribs. The goblin rolled over but did not move again. The ainling leader hissed in triumph, but its victory was short-lived. It took a step forward before it fell, too, Snotgut’s knife sunk to the hilt in its chest. It lay beside Snotgut, gasping. Chaos moved over to check the bodies. Both were about to leave the world Below, but which one would be first? That would determine who won the bet.

One of the ainling’s great fangs was cracked and was held together by crude metal rings. He wore bracelets made of barbed wire that cut into his skin, and long scars marked his neck. Only one pantheon treated his followers with such uniform malice.

“You worship that turd Cruelty, then,” Chaos said. “You should know better. Now, tell me of this master you serve. I don’t think I’m going to like him.”

The ainling groaned.

“Our master ssserves Cruelty, most powerful of the pantheon, god of firesss and—”

“God of fire? God of fire? I’m away for a few years, and he starts claiming my element? The nerve of that guy!”

“You will susssbmit to him or die!”

Chaos loomed over the ainling.

“I don’t submit,” she said. “When you meet Cruelty, tell him Chaos is annoyed!”

The ainling burst into flames, becoming ash which blew away, leaving nothing. It was an instant and overwhelming death and, as a particularly nice touch, an utterly painless one. Any true follower of Cruelty would hate that.

“Did you hear that, goblin? Cruelty is claiming my element now. Can you believe it? Goblin?”

But Snotgut lay in a pool of his own purple blood, unmoving.

“Damn,” Chaos said. “Does that mean I won the bet or not?”