《No Longer Alive》Chapter 0: The Book that changed ME
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I wonder what Dazai was thinking when he wrote No Longer Human. Why did he think he was no longer human? I have read this novel, very thoroughly and I like it more than I've liked any read. It is just that no matter how I try to look at it, I can't seem to determine what made him no longer human. If anything, he seems more human to me than any other human I know. Perhaps it's the generation gap, in which case I shall perhaps be looking to understand more about the world of back then instead of Dazai. Yet, all this time I have been looking at Dazai with all my attention. I've been staring into his eyes, into his soul and it mesmerizes me. It feels like I'm looking into a mirror. I can see why women fell for him so often. I would have, too.
As a child, I was surrounded by "elders", the adults that know everything, they are always right. I don't believe I was ever bothered by their knowledge and intrusions. When I think about my childhood, I can see a very entangled red thread, rough but strong, unwilling to break, unwilling to let go, and I'm somewhere in there, entangled too, in the countless knots. I was never a privileged kid, I wasn't molded to complain and never taught to be stubborn. I was an obedient kid.
Its almost laughable because I can't even imagine what that'd have been like. I can't remember the feeling of what it was like back then when I was human, even though I'm sure there once was such a time.
It is true, I'm not normal. Monster, vampire, crazy, alien, unreal, many many more...those are the things I'm used to being called. I don't think I could be any more ordinary or normal but I'm clearly wrong.
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I had always known that this wasn't a place where I belonged, this world, this "society"...what changed me?
I wasn't like this, I know. I don't know. Perhaps carrying my weight on my own two feet has been a bit too much for me. That's how weak and pathetic I am.
I could understand Yozo, I could feel him even though I can't seem to feel anything at all.
Over the years, I have lost most of the human I had in me. It was my fault.
I killed the man I loved.
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