《Dip$h!+s in Space》5: Rocket Launchers and Coctail Sauce
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The Captain put on his slippers and turned off his police box alarm with his alarm hammer. He stretched and made himself a breakfast shake, raw egg, can of condensed milk creamer and 6 ounces of rye whiskey. As he sipped, he made his way to the front porch. He gazed up at the banner of a sunrise and let the gentle breeze of the fan simulate the island experience. He yawned and approached his hot-tub and jumped, suddenly noticing Duffy sitting in the tub, topless and listening to headphones as she read one of his copied books.
"No, no no." he scolded.
"Morning Captain. I like your history lessons. Some of it seems unlikely but it makes a good read. You should be a fiction writer, I hear eccentric loners with too much free time write great comedies…you should do one about this ship and crew." she insisted. He was awake now, furiously so.
"Why are you in my hot-tub and why are you not covered?" he said diverting his eyes.
"I assumed it was for everyone, why else would you have a cooler on both sides and an 8 person seating arrangement?" asked duffy.
"Touché, now why are you topless?" he said calming down a little.
"Sign says "guests must wear trunks unless otherwise recommended". I'm wearing trunks…but you gotta look to confirm that don’t you?" she grinned.
"Out of the tub, put my book back, before the pages get wet and ruined. And no sodas on the edge. You could spill it into the tub and that’s how we get space-ants. I don’t wanna wake up with a 5 foot Vaath crawling around my cargo bay" he insisted.
"Didn’t you fall asleep yesterday and let a bottle of rum and citrus just float around for like…3 hours?" she asked.
"Yes I did. I let MY drink spill into MY Tub that I…ordered Uka to clean."
"And you wonder why you can't get laid. Piss off the skinny one and turn down the hot one over a little thing like imaginary space-ants. You know those bugs you think you see could be radioactive particles hitting your optic nerve. They find their way through damaged vents and huge missing roof panels covered in tape. You should look into that. I'll write you a book." she said
"It’s a metaphor, wait…I don’t have to explain myself, and I'm the captain."
"Commodore. You now technically operate a fleet. The shuttle is still legally my ship even if I take orders from you, which would make my ship my independent property, your ship, the flagship of a fleet of two and you would be giving orders to another Captain. You need a hat to be a Commodore, so I think by maritime law until you get a hat; we have to dual for disputes. You do swords or pistols? We could fill squirt-guns with tequila and the loser has to swab the deck." she grinned.
"What the, no…wait I got confused. Are you cleaning now?"
"Awe, you can't win em all, not everybody gets looks AND brains so you gotta work with what you got. Hop in the tub'o'fun and lets ride this beast." she said throttling the jets up.
"The only ride in this theme park is the Lawg-ride and you gotta be…" he held his hands about a foot apart." This wide or less to get a ticket." he insisted.
"Nice one." she said offering a fist bump.
"Thanks." he bumped. He sighed and sat down in the tub, fully dressed and opened the cooler to ice his beverage. "Not like anyone else ever listens either."
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"Probably cuz you're not very intimidating and you got no structure."
"Thanks, I try to keep things loosey goosey and as chill as possible. Just not in my nature to resist the natural flow." he said sipping his breakfast.
"I've tried to get to know everyone on this ship, but I don’t know much about you, Commodore." she said half serious.
"Let's just pretend for the general flow of things that I'm just a captain and your ship is the shuttle pod for the SS Tast-E-Chill. Officially we both know the truth, but I don’t want the responsibility of a fleet unless it comes with a pay raise." he said to appease and avoid the weirdness.
"Alrighty Captain. So what is your story?" she asked.
"Well, born on a star ship, raised by my grandfather, old Captain Yule William Lawg. He spent a little too much time near the distortion reactor; back in his day the leaked a lot of magnetic flux so by the time you reached 50 they were usually a bit loony. Three generations of loony Lawgs. But he knew how to go with the flow and everyone loved him. Didn’t speak much about my father, just that he and my grandfather didn’t see eye to eye. I think my father was a lot taller. Anyway when I was 13, he died and I was bumped from intake manifold scrubber to assistant kitchen cleanup. Vowed one day to have my own ship and by the time I was 15 I had saved enough money to buy a captains uniform and steal one. Spent a year on a detention planet and the hooligans there taught me a valuable lesson…I am way better then those turds both as an individual and visually. Also learned if you make waves you get…some metaphor for beaten up a lot. From there, Barely made it through academy, then took online truck driving school, freight hauler, discovered the earth debris field and I've been piecing together Earth's history and looking for a place to build the Earth Museum. There I can store all my treasures and make a living charging a small fee to bring a rich and vibrant history of my culture back from the grave. And with the extra money, become a collector of the finer things." he said looking up as if dreaming.
"Like what?" she asked.
"Exotic poon, for one. Also would like a functional piano, a running muscle car and about 2 miles of road to drive it on. Maybe a bakery, I do enjoy a good bread. Just retire on a little chunk of rock with my name on it and all the things I've collected that the museum doesn’t want."
"Like poon." she nodded.
"Exactly." he smiled.
"So I understand your motives, I get the furry guy's reasons but I don’t understand Uka." she said.
"What's to understand, she is part of the team and we work as a unit. No reason to question why." said Lawg.
"So it doesn’t bother you at all that she has literally no reason to be here?"
"I don’t understand. Where are you going with this?" muttered Lawg.
"You are a collector and adventurer saving relics, Marley believes in you and has a natural follower's instinct, he wants to be seen as something more then part of a brutal species of dumb warriors, and I feel at home in space and you are the only crew desperate enough to have me…but Uka doesn’t believe in your dream, she clearly hates all of us, you especially, she isn't particularly interested in Earth or its history. Hell she isnt even human and she was taken here by force…accidental as it may be. So why didn’t she just ditch at the first fuel station? Why is she here?" Duffy asked.
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"Huh, you know I never thought about it. At first she didn’t have a choice, and then when she was safe to leave she just didn’t. I assumed the Lawg charm just overcame her and she felt compelled to stay but now that I think about it…she doesn’t seem to like me that much." he pondered. "Oh well, she has her reasons." he said as the lights flickered and the ABC song sounded.
"Does anyone hear that besides me?" asked Duffy.
"As tempting as it is to say no and watch you question reality, that is the gravitation alarm." Lawg said jumping out and heading to the cockpit. Uka and Marley made their way to the front as a wet Lawg stumbled and slid face first, before scrambling to his feet near the Fusion cockpit. He buckled in and took the wheel. In the front view window was a large section of planet, like a huge pie-slice, or an ice-cream cone, with the ice-cream being a sandy earthen coating, complete with a thin atmosphere and a lake.
"What am I looking at?" asked Uka. Marley checked the scanners.
"From what I can tell it's a chunk of Earth, and a big one. About 20 miles across and with oxygen." he noted.
"Wouldn’t the oxygen disperse if a chunk was too small for planetary gravity? I mean…why is there atmosphere at all?" she asked.
"Probably moving too fast." said Lawg. "Momentum of a flat disk moving in an orbit might be enough to hold it down." he said. Everyone looked shocked that he had the capability to grasp any scientific law of anything. "What?" Makes sense. You can run with food on a flat plate if you angle it in the direction you're running! Why not oxygen and water and stuff?" Lawg explained.
"I can't believe I agree with you on something, just makes me concerned for my own mental health is all." said Uka
"Yea, as crazy as it sounds…we got a flat-earth disk. Looks like the edges got frozen, too far from the center. I bet we can land on it." said Marley.
"This ship isn't designed to land!" Lawg objected.
"Well, planets are supposed to be round too, so anything is possible…space is weird, weird shit happens in space." shrugged Marley "Plus if there are any women there, the reduced gravity would make them more buoyant than normal, they may have evolved larger boobs as an evolutionary result." He joked. The Captain got a gleam in his eye and he place a boot on the dashboard.
"FOR SCIENCE!!" he announced, pulling the throttle and banking in for a landing. Everyone grabbed a hold of something as the SS Tast-E-Chill made a steep decent
"How many fingers am I holding up?" asked Marley to a very dizzy Captain.
"I can't tell." he mumbled.
"He's blind, clearly I should take command of the ship." sighed Duffy. He swatted away the paw and staggered to his feet.
"I'm not blind you dinguses…Dingus, Dingi? I just can't tell from a blurry furry paw if his fingers are up or down." Lawg barked. "What is the plural for of Dungus?"
"I think its "Dinguses." said Duffy.
"I think the ladies would be Dingettes." said Marley
"Nevermind…" Lawg said rubbing his head. "What happened? Did we land?"
"Technically yes, some might say it was a crash, but there were no explosions and the ship is intact so I think it qualifies as landing." informed Marley.
"Why am I wobbly?" Lawg asked. Duffy pondered.
"Could be a number of things, blood-alcohol levels out of balance, gravity shifting, brain tumor, or a result of you hitting the windshield at about 40 miles an hour with your face. Luckily you have a very dense head." informed Duffy.
"I remember fastening a seatbelt." he said
"Right before boobs were mentioned and you decided to triumphantly stand up and land without reducing speed." muttered Uka.
"Oh yea, I remember that. That would have made a really neat landing if I hadn't got the landing gear stuck in this sand." he said peering out.
"We don’t have landing gear, this ship wasn’t designed to land." mentioned Uka.
"Then what went down when I pulled, nevermind, we landed safely and injuries were minor, no brain damage and we managed to put her down safely without any injuries or brain damage nice and safely with no landing gear or injuries and no brain damage." he said with an eye twitching, triumphantly taking his pose and strapping a holster to his belt.
"Okay…just gonna leave that alone…so when did you get a gun?" asked Marley.
"Well, I already had the holster and it completes the look, plus if we run into anything hostile it's good to have some intimidation on your side even if you don’t have a real gun." he said twirling something shiny.
"It’s an air drill isn't it?" asked Marley.
"Yes it is…and before you say anything I have two words to stop you…Leaf…Blower" he squinted.
"Okay, fair enough." he said shuffling away to the airlock to suit up.
"Can't believe he made us split up." groaned Marley.
"At least we got away from princess buzzkill. Any idea what her issue is?" asked Duffy.
"She has very little patience or tolerance for bullshit, and she is on the same ship as Lawg. So that's disastrously fun." he shrugged.
"So what have you guy's discovered yet? Any historical gems that ended up in a museum?" asked Duffy
"Mostly just food, trinkets nobody wants, several hot-tubs and that 7 foot tiki statue in the cargo bay." he yawned as the com lit up. "Go for Marley."
"There is a situation, both of you come quickly to these coordinates." said Lawg, signing out. They rushed to the blip on the scanner and were taken aback when they found him sitting on a rather lavish stone chair surrounded by beautiful humanoid women of various colors and less various cup sizes…mostly large.
"Oh come on, seriously?" barked Marley. His ears perked up and he had an idea. "Boy it would be terrible if I tripped over a hundred pound bar of Gold." he annunciated, walking a few paces with his eyes closed.
"Did you hit your head too?" asked Duffy. He opened his eyes and looked sad.
"Well the boob thing happened so I figured I'd give it a try. Guess it only works for Lawg. Come on, let's go see what unparalleled incarnation of superb luck Lawg manifested now. Too bad we can't bottle it and sell them…what would happen if we just squeezed him?" Marley asked.
"They guy lives off of soda and booze, you really wanna squeeze him and bottle what comes out?" she asked raising an eyebrow.
"Wish I had kept it to myself now." he said as they strolled into what appeared to be a festival. Not a man in sight except Lawg, and the women seemed to be as interested in him as he assumed all women were anyway.
"Marley, my little Clairvoyant. I will never doubt you again!" he said grabbing him and giving him a hug-noogie.
"Sir, I have a terrible feeling and we should leave." he said. Lawg squinted and looked annoyed.
"I doubt you significantly. You're just mad that they aren't 4 foot tall and fury, aren't you? I'm sure we can find you a hairy one somewhere." he insisted.
"You don’t find it suspicious that 20 females are just waiting here for you to show up…juuust rocking a beach party for the last 6 months on the odd chance a gullible man flies nearby?"
"I have really good luck." he nodded.
"Nobody has this kind of good luck. One stranded and grateful bimbo, sure…but 20?" did you even try the scanner for lifeform readings?" Marley asked.
"Didn’t bother, by the time I got it turned on I was surrounded by women. See?" he said holding the scanner out proudly.
"Did you notice the mathematical conundrum?" asked Marley.
"I didn’t take conundrum!! I couldn’t even finish algebra!" Lawg barked.
"Oh I believe that much. See this number here? How many number is that?"
It says 7, I'm not that stupid. That’s 4 of us and…three…women." he said slowly turning back to see at least a dozen women giggling and standing around, all just staring at them. "Okay…I admit that does alarm me a little. so…which ones are ghosts, I do not wanna waste time putting out the vibe for a dead girl."
"It's not ghosts, there is no such thing as ghosts." Marley objected.
"Maybe the rest are androids. I mean…I don’t have to sneak out the window with an android, I could just turn her off, the ship could use an android too, lotta cans sitting around that nobody takes out." Lawg mentioned re-checking his math.
"Stop thinking with your bits and just think; regular person thinking. Something is bad wrong here and you know it, your just too horny to care. Hey!" he said changing tone as two of them approached him, giggling and offering cold drinks.
"Sorry ladies, this bunny is married." said Lawg.
"Yea, sorry. Got a lady at home." he said skittishly dodging the hands trying to massage his shoulders.
"Awe, but we just want to greet you." said the blonde.
"And it is custom for guests to stay the night, drink, celebrate." another insisted.
"No, I'm fine…not thirsty or…what exactly are we celebrating?" he nervously said looking around.
"It is not every day we have guests, there is much celebration to be had, for it gets so lonely here in the dark." said the blonde.
"You got more torches, we can light some more for better lighting."
"NO" the blonde snipped in a strange tone. "I mean…the light hurts our eyes. We only lit torches for you." she said looking like a rather stepford-ish wife. Cold-dead lifeless eyes and a smile that was just way too damn friendly and hollow behind it.
"Marley." said Duffy, touching his shoulder. He jumped a few feet and smacked her hand with a look of irritation. "I need help back at the ship, cooling off the engines, you know how they overheat if we don’t manually vent them?" she hinted. He nodded and followed her. They kept quiet till out of earshot.
"Okay, so you are freaked out too, right?" he asked.
"Well, clearly this is a trap of some kind." Duffy muttered.
"No kidding, look at the scanner. The 4 of us and a whole 3 other bio-signs for a gaggle of women."
"That can't be right…" she said looking at it. "Why are about 17 of them invisible to scanners? And why are 3 of them registering, but not human."
"Robots?" he asked.
"I'm not getting any electric fields. My first thought was holograms."
"Can't be holograms, I thought of that already. They're all picking up drinks."
"Maybe they are advanced holograms that can pick up things." she suggested.
"That’s stupid…holograms are light, photons bouncing off surfaces to create an illusion, even with a whole room covered in holographic emitters you couldn’t pick things up, that makes no sense and it's just lazy science."
"Yea, good point. No matter how advanced the technology, a visual illusion can't possibly manipulate objects, physics 101, I don’t know why I even suggested it." she shrugged.
"Probably saw it on a show or something. The point is they are physical objects and for some reason only 3 of them register as living."
"Which ones?" she asked.
"Here, the ones…what the hell?" he said looking puzzled.
"Okay, that is strange." she said peering over his shoulder.
"Apparently the entire party doesn’t exist and the one life form is just…kinda…in the middle of the group." Marley said with his hare standing up.
"So the bimbos don’t exist and the thing that does, we can't see…were gonna die aren't we?" she asked.
"Oh yea, we're gonna die. This kinda trap never goes well for the bait. Awe man…I wore my favorite red shirt today." he said
"Why is that relevant?" Duffy asked.
"It's not, I just got a soda stain on it when we crashed, and if we die, nobody will pre-treat the stain. Hey, have you seen Uka?" he asked.
"Come to think of it…no." she said looking at him. They made their way to the party and looked around, trying to pinpoint her on the scanner.
"Hey, Captain." Marley said. "Uka was with you when you found this quite literal clan of cleavage…did she go back to the ship?"
"I don’t know, she just has a really odd way of getting lost."
"Or, it's possible you are just terrible at keeping track of her?" asked Marley
"I admit the possibility of both." he squinted, still being fanned and brought fruit as they groped and massaged his neck and shoulders.
"We really need to find her, she is missing a hell of a party." he said looking suspicious and strolling slowly up to the Captain. The blonde tried to comfort him again, interrupting his detective-work with a creepy smile.
"Maybe she went exploring, please relax and have some wine, some fruit, or perhaps a shampoo?" asked the blonde.
"That sounds nice, right after I find Uka, I'll take you up on that offer." he said swiping the air-drill and hiding it in his vest.
"I think I saw her at the temple, maybe you should try there." said the blonde.
"Good idea, anyone wanna show me the way?" a dozen hands silently pointed to the lone building about 200 yards away.
"That’s helpful and not remotely creepy." he muttered to himself, walking towards the temple.
As he approached, he noticed guards standing around in a cluster.
"Three bio-signs…a dozen sluts…sure, that makes sense, Uka, and both halves of a cluster of ghost androids. No way we live through this, nope." he muttered approaching the first guard. He noticed even the guards were in long dresses, the babes back at the party were nearly topless but all wearing long skirts to the floor. She shuffled through the sand, annoyed that his fur was collecting it like a magnet.
"You know, if you live on a sandy planet, full length flowing dresses seems like a bad choice to be dragging around." he pondered. "I bet they got gross feet."
"Halt. This is the temple of Femtar, men are not allowed inside." said the guard, also blonde, and wielding a sword.
"I am looking for my friend Uka." he said hearing the faint blip of another bio-sign approaching.
"Please come with me." she said coldly, almost sarcastic in her pleasantries. He turned the corner and she stopped, unsheathing her sword.
"Ha, death-ray beats cold steel any day!" he nervously said drawing the air-drill. She looked emotionless.
"Your weapon has great strength?" it asked.
"Like…stupid powerful. I'll vaporize you and your guards if we don’t get Uka back pronto!" She looked confused. "Pronto means like as soon as possible." he explained.
"You are allowed to go, but leave the others."
"Doesn’t work like that, ghost of hookers past!" he said clicking the drill to reverse and looking angry.
"We only want you to stay and be happy. Your friends are quite pleased. You and the plump one do not seem to be happy, you may leave." she said calmly as more guards approached.
"Shit…" he muttered, "Um…self destruct sequence activated." he said fiddling randomly with the speed settings. "If you don’t take me to Uka in 5 seconds, this entire planet chunk is screwed, just a thousand foot crater full of dead hooker-bots." he bluffed. It looked like it was thinking…for a good 3 seconds.
"As you wish. She is in the temple. Go retrieve your woman and leave us." it growled.
"Oh she is not my woman, not gonna even go there." he chuckled. He went up the steps and noticed a large chamber with Uka tied up to a chair. He hopped over and untied her.
"What took you so long?" she whispered angrily.
"Oh no, you're welcome, no need to thank me anymore, the reward is in the act itself and also the critiquing of my speedy rescue." he barked in a whispering tone.
"Where are the Captain and Duffy?" she asked
"Duffy headed to the ship, the Captain…where do you think he is?" he asked.
"Bimbo-pile?" she asked.
"Gold star for Uka, now let's go." he said getting his com and scrolling to Duffy. "I got Uka, what's your status?"
"Teleporter is online and I'm ready to lift off."
"We still need the Captain." he reminded, Uka glared at him.
"Do we really?" she asked with a smirk.
"Any idea where we are, or is he the only one who knows this sector?" he asked with a cheesy grin.
"Crap!!…let's go get the captain." she sighed.
A Bunny with a leaf-blower and an Uka with an air-drill materialized in another stone building, checking for bio signs.
"I got him; he is just around the corner. There's only two of them…we got this." he said looking motivated and rushing around the corner before Uka could stop him. He slid to a stop and became alarmed at the sound of a lot of footsteps moving quickly. "Oh right…2 is a lot." he pondered. Captain Lawg came barreling out of a corridor looking frantic as hell.
"They're all shrimp! Haul your hairy ass!" he screamed in a rather high pitched voice.
"What does that even mean?" asked Uka. She regretted asking as the sound of a very pissed off something echoed through the halls like a banshee from hell, followed by the clicking of a lot of feet. A wall of sand sprayed up as a dozen bimbos came sliding through the halls as if all riding the same moving sand-wave.
"They're all shrimp, activate the teleporter!" hollered Lawg. Suddenly the bimbos all rose up in the air and it was clear that each of them was connected at the waist to a central creature, a very large and very blue crustacean shuffling out of the sand. It let out a howl and shook its 20 arms, flinging wigs and clothing off to reveal a bunch of pincers and lifelike humanoid puppets.
"Oh… shrimp." huffed Marley. Tossing his leaf blower and running full speed. The captain fiddled with something as he sprinted up to him.
"You have a real gun?!?" asked Marley.
"Flair gun, only one flair. Bought it at the last gas station." he said pointing it backwards.
"It’s flair!! You're gonna shoot a 30 ton demon shrimp with a flair?" he hollered frantically as it poofed and a tiny red light hit the beast and did nothing but stick.
"Duffy!" he screamed into the com. "Hit the green button on the red panel!"
A moment later a streak of light rained down and a rather impressive explosion turned the Shrimp into shrapnel. Marley, Lawg, and Uka all hit the deck to avoid getting impaled by flying shrimpnel. As the dust cleared, Marley was the first to get up. He approached the blue splatter and grabbed his leaf blower.
"So the bimbos were just puppets…one for each arm of a giant blue shrimp. You gotta admit, it was some convincing craftsmanship." he said admiring the severed head and wondering a lot of questions.
"That doesn't make any sense!" barked Uka.
"Doesn’t have to…space is weird. Weird shit happens in space. Let's go before more shrimp show up, there were 3 life signs…remember?" said Marley.
"That’s like…24 shrimp!" said Lawg.
"No, it's 2. the shrimp was a whole cluster of bimbos, that’s why they stayed close together and never left the sandy…nevermind let's go." Marley waved. Suddenly there was a faint voice, a female voice hollering for help.
"Oh no…they must have captures someone else, she needs our help!" said Lawg, cocking the empty flair gun. Uka sighed and palmed her face.
"Damnit you lumber-head…it's just a shrimp trying to trick you again…we just fell for that. How dense can a Lawg be?!" she hollered.
"No, this is different…see? One life sign. A shrimp would be more of them."
"Wow…just…wow." Uka said calmly. "Teleport the boys to the ship and head my direction." she said to the com. Both of them vanished and she headed towards the ship, remembering it only teleports 2 at a time before reloading.
"Stupid, old-ass teleporter, takes like 6 minutes to charge up again. Get eaten by stupid shrimp-whores on a stupid cone-planet covered in sand." she said, slowing down and peering into another chamber. There were 2 beautiful women, long dresses and blonde hair, both in cages very close together.
"Help us!" they hollered.
"Captain Lawg may be that gullible, but you won't trick me with that act." she said running along. One turned to the other and sighed.
"Worth a try."
"They never do stop, do they?" asked the other.
"So…they all got away this time?" asked the first.
"Yep. There goes their ship." said the first one, pointing at the SS Tast-E-Chill as it streaked away. She shook her head, sitting down and scratching the shackle on her ankle.
"So…what are the odds someone else will rescue us." asked the second. Plopping her feet up on the cage.
"Basically none. We're gonna die on the shrimp-planet." said the first.
"Bummer." sighed the second.
Captain Lawg stood with his face and palms on the port-window, watching the planet-slice get smaller.
"What a shame." he sighed.
"Seriously? You remember how they were giant shrimp with people-puppets, right?" asked Marley, putting his trust leaf-blower in the locker.
"I mean…they were so real. That kind of technology and they use it for evil. What kind of heartless beast promises something like sweet-sweet hoes, just to trick and presumably eat people?" he said looking depressed.
"You're just mad cuz you thought you were getting laid and you just tanked again. I mean it could have gone worse…you could have scored, and then found out it was a giant shrimp. Or death…death was also a thing that could have happened." said Marley.
"Your right, little buddy…I can live to fly another day, the luck of the Chafee triumphs again." he smirked.
"I should probably mention how badly this adventure cost us." said Uka, slamming down a bill sheet on a clip-board. "One heat seeking rocket…only one we had, half our fuel breaking atmosphere in a ship not intended to ever land or take off. Thank God for low gravity. No cargo, no supplies, absolutely nothing gained at all. One concussion that shockingly might have made you even dumber, one missing air-drill, and the ship will need serious body filler and re-painted." she finished.
"What about the landing gear?" he asked.
"There is no landing gear." she repeated.
"We lost the landing gear again…damnit." he said with a clenched fist of frustration. "No hoes, no landing gear and no profit." he said looking troubled.
"Maybe take a day off and have your head scanned just a little." suggested Marley. "And next time you think your going to get laid…maybe just discreetly check for ankles." he said leading him to the couch. Duffy joined Uka in the cargo bay.
"Do you think he is actually getting dumber?" asked Uka.
"He did hit his head pretty hard." Duffy sighed.
"For some reason I almost thought it might actually help." she said staring into the nearly empty cargo bay.
"Well, at least we're near the debris field. This run could still yield something valuable. Maybe find a rocket launcher and a barrel of cocktail sauce…go back to the shrimp-planet." she smirked.
"Or another damn hot tub." Uka joked with half a smile.
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Just a Bystander
Everyone wants to believe they are the hero of their own story. But in a world where prophecies are real, what happens if you're not the Chosen One? A budding arcanist named Caden enrols in the Academy, entering the same cohort as one of the legendary Chosen Ones, and finds himself caught in a tangle of fate that threatens to unravel the entire Empire. Updates on the last week of each month. Join the Discord community here.Support me on Patreon here. Cover art by Fuyu Dust. "Just a Bystander" is a work of love and I intend to keep posting it for free on RoyalRoad for everyone to enjoy. If you would like to support me, I have a Patreon page for those who would like to make a financial contribution. However, I would like to stress that I am able to continue writing with or without financial support and that you should not feel compelled to put dollars into this. I am happy simply to receive your support as a reader, and would also love for you to join the Discord to hang out and chat with other readers.I've chosen not to offer early chapters because I'd like my readers to keep apace with each other, and there are time constraints that come with my situation.Thank you for reading my work. I hope you continue to enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. =)
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A great race faces extinction and tries to leave a legacy for the future. Young races building on the ruins of the old. What happens when one of the old ones wakes up and finds the universe changed? Will she try to find new meaning? Will she try to help the younger races or will she punish the grave-robbers for their sacrilege? Or will the eternal servant of her people try and finally find some happiness of her own?
8 388Mordheim: Servants of The Damned (A Warhammer Fantasy Fiction)
“The Great Library,” Stated the stranger with a pause. “You know of it?”“Of course I do. In the Merchant’s Quarter?”“Yes, in the Merchant’s Quarter. I have gathered that there is an… artefact of importance within its walls.” Slowly, the figure produced a rusted key from the furls of his robes and held it in a black-gloved hand. “This opens the door to its chambers. It is the grimoire of Gunnar von Krugenheim, and I believe that it would serve better in the world than locked away in a dusty room.” Behind the cursed walls of Mordheim, warbands and gangs of all stripes are embattled in constant wars for resources and power. The cursed city attracts throngs in the thousands, searching for treasures, artefacts, power, and sometimes all three. The Cult of the Hidden Brethren is no exception, and when an opportunity to extend their reach is discovered, the cultists are eager to take the opportunity. However, not all is set in stone, and soon the cultists discover that the lure of power alone may not be enough to give them the drive required to see their quest done... --- Mordheim: Servants of the Damned is a fanfiction set in the world of Warhammer Fantasy, which is not owned by me but by the company Games Workshop. I of course, lay claim to nothing in this story but the characters I have created, and the core events of the story itself. This is my first true foray into fantasy writing, let alone Warhammer Fantasy, therefore any feedback is welcome. (It should be noted as well, the cover art is merely an artwork I found online and is not mine, therefore I do not lay claim to that either.)
8 111The First Garden
In a distant world, one of magic, monsters and fantastical creatures, amidst the craggy mountains, dense forests and evergreen fields, is the world known as Elysium. An assortment of creatures inhabit the world, ranging from humans in their villages and settlements to vampires that have found comfort in the darkest of caves. Four human kingdoms stand in the four cardinal directions, each with their own personalities and cultures. Over time, Elysium has seen the rise and fall of empires, the birth and death of races, and it is no stranger to war or conflict. What is there to see in this large and unyielding world? What awaits for some is a journey of glory and riches, while all that awaits for some is death and despair. Amidst the storm of blood and swords, drowning in a sea of blood and despair, is a single man. A man whose fate is unclear, for he is neither bound by the strings of servitude or the threads of fate. Trapped between the doors of life and death, captivated by the world of men and monsters, prisoner to the scales of justice and evil. A man whose fate was never meant to be, but sometimes there is a thread whom even the fates cannot cut.
8 162RE: VILLAGE
NOT A GAY OR LESBIAN FANFIC.NOTE: WAS PUBLISHED BEFORE RE8 WAS RELEASED.The story of a poor farm boy who would be summoned to the mistresses of his village.
8 66||Winter Poetry Contest 2022||
OPEN( ✅)|Weekly Poetry Contest|Welcome!This is a poetry contest,2022For all those who wish to challange themselves to write a poem on any given topic, you have entered the right zone.We cherish and support poets, encouraging them to take all writing challenges. "We are snowflakes. We stand out with beauty and grace for a while and disappear, giving a smile."If you see that the contest has begun, no issues, you may still apply as a participant and join us in next week's challenge!- This gorgeous cover is made by @-DeeIsDead-Do check out their graphic shop and other works, they're amazing
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