Chapter 23 - Calisthenics

Long ago, it was thought that there was a metaphysical world that contained the “true forms” and ideals of everything in existence, as posited by a great philosopher whose name has been lost to the sands of time. However, another philosopher proceeded to metaphorically rip apart and urinate upon that philosopher’s idea in a public speech. He first asked an innocent-seeming question: is there an ideal cup? To this, the philosopher replied: yes. As it goes, he said, there must be an ideal emptiness, no? The first one responded affirmative. Then the philosopher pointed out that there must be an ideal world of an ideal world, and inside that an ideal world would also be there, ad infinitum. There would also logically be ideal creatures that eat each other and ideal machines of pure destruction that would destroy all the other astral objects and begin replicating uncontrollably until this astral world was destroyed. It is unclear what the argument devolved into due to fragmented records, but many historians today often agree that this was the first noted case of your mom insult and the birth of the ad hominem debate style that we know today. Incidentally, both philosophers were technically correct, though they would not live to see the discovery of parallel planes of existence that act as they have posited many years later.

A treatise on the history of modern philosophy, by an unknown author.

Up. Down. Down. Left. Up again - no wait, right. Down. Up. Right two times, and then burst forward.

These were the thoughts that echoed inside Victor’s head as he lithely hurtled through the shifting maze of bookshelves. The storage containers whizzed past his body as he hurtled through, oftentimes making false “spaces” that were blocked off and then crushed. Just as the other side of this obstacle course was in sight, Victor fell on his face, with Silk tumbling head over heel into the clear area up ahead.

The cause of this stumble was clear: Victor, as usual, had gotten cocky and had not noticed a mistake until too late. His shoe was now wedged between two moving platforms going up and down, with a third platform descending rapidly from roughly ten feet above. Panicking, Victor got out his knife and was about to cut his foot off before a muted clink was brought to his attention. To his surprise, the bookshelf had stopped moving entirely, with a thin Thief’s Blade blocking it’s descent. After being wrenched by silk, Victor flew outwards as the Thief’s Blade was snatched out with a harsh Screeech. Immediately, another massive tentacle flew out and slammed into the place that victor had just occupied before immediately retracting.

Giving his thanks silently, Victor put on his footwear once more and internally gave thanks to Silk for once again saving his proverbial bacon. However, his train of thought abruptly halted when he saw the massive beast in front of him.

It was obviously an abomination; that much was clear just from looking at it. With it’s mouth sewn shut and it’s eyes covered in skin that revealed a slight contouring of two sockets, it appeared like an old women’s head with thin, stringy hair going down it’s sides that looked as if it hadn’t cleaned it for centuries. Even worse, the body was somehow plump yet skinny, the ribcage making it appear round while showing that it’s sewn-shut mouth had not eaten.

Victor then was aware of a presence in his mind. It wasn’t like a voice, but rather the opposite of one. A silence in his mind that drove out all other thought, decipherable as words only through the hole of what would be the noise of his mind.

What do you want here, interlopers? It has been millennia since the Radiant king’s army has dared tread these halls.

Victor and Silk said nothing, simply being quiet.

I will kill you anyways. It’s not like my blessing of silence can reach here, anyways. Speak up now. I can barely see the thoughts of the sword-wielder, and the other one’s thoughts are flitting about so quickly that I can’t even understand what’s going on. Just tell me.

As if compelled to speak, words tumbled out of Victor’s mouth.

“Leave this town alone. I won’t be able to sleep at night if an island of innocents is slaughtered and yet another civilization’s wonders are lost to interdimensional horrors. I’m no hero, but if there’s one thing I value, it’s having a regular schedule. So just stop it. It’s not like you have anything to gain anyways.”

So you speak, scholar-soldier. But you are mistaken of one thing: I gain books. And knowledge. Everything those people knew in life will be mine and mine alone, and I need all I can get for the coming storm. With enough knowledge, I can find a way to isolate myself from your doomed world and it’s disease and save my realm. I refuse your parley, primitive. Go back to your reflective little king and that brainy servant of his and tell him to let me have what was offered to me by his kind.”

Victor took out his knives and tightened his fists, already recovering from exhaustion and his previous wounds.

“Two things need to be said here you mishappen old hag. First, I serve no one but myself and my friends. The Radiant King’s empire and it’s successor have been long gone. And second, I wasn’t asking if you wanted to. I was just giving you an easy way out. Silk, you know what to do. Let’s slice this thing up.”

Silk took out her thief’s blades and twirled them in her hands menacingly before giving a glare to the nameless abomination.

“Just so you know, I’m taking all your romance books after I kill you as payment for the trouble you have caused. Tell me where they are and I might let you live.”

Insolent fools! Why would I ever give away my collection! I may be civilized unlike the blight ready to devour your world, but do not mistake that for weakness. I’m taking you out myself. I didn’t make this realm and direct it’s minions for no reason, after all. Your corpses will make an excellent addition to my personal collection.

With that said, the being straightened itself with a series of sickening pops and snaps as the vertebrae in the thing’s back began to shift into a much taller and intimidating build and moved silently. Victor looked at his cleavers and shrugged.

“I don’t have any witty retorts, so I’m just going to say your ugly and smell like farts.”

With these obviously heroic words, the being reared it’s ugly head and moved surprisingly swiftly in it’s direction with malice in it’s eyes.